Early Mornings

Jason is nice. Hunter woke up at 530 this morning for no reason and spent the morning whining- most likely because he was up early and cranky. These are the days you wish you could reason with a child, "if you sleep in, you will be happier." Jason let me sleep until 8am because he knew I basically wouldn't be able to get up and deal with a cranky Hunter. Nice man. Hunter is currently in the crib enjoying some alone time. He is not asleep- but he seems perfectly content hanging out there. Who am I to disturb him? I'm drinking a cup of coffee- trying to wake up enough to handle more than 3 different noise sources. In the morning- even one person talking to me can be a little more than I can do.

One of the things I learned in the whole depression journey is that you really have to take care of yourself- which is actually sometimes more annoying and frustrating than it is helpful and empowering. Example- I'm a better person with a good amount of sleep and good food in my body. With any trial of depression- you are not only just a little grumpy when these elemental needs aren't met- you are downright horrific. So- it's a little obnoxious when something like sleep is out of your complete control or at least you try to do something fun (date night) and your child wakes up at 530am. Good food- well that's just a struggle because I have to do two things that don't come naturally or enjoyable: plan and shop. I have gotten better at all these things- but here's the rub- today I'm a little grumpy- because we have friends in town and I've been staying up late to have fun and eating a little less healthy. It's a little inconvenient.

and now Hunter has moved from content talking to intermittent whining talking today he has Mother's Day out- soooo... I'm passing the buck today. Poor kid. My hope is that he'll start feeling a little better and sleeping better. : )

Selfish Ambitions

My dear brother in law wrote the comment on the post yesterday about me posting pictures and such- of course, understandably, since his daughter is missing from the archives. I really do want to post all sorts of new pictures and things on my blog. The problem is- it's not easy for me to do. Our computer is a little slow and so am I. I have selfish ambitions. I care more about posting to fulfill my goal of writing every day for a year, rather than pictures. So- just to clarify- this isn't going to be one of those blogs where you catch every recent photo of my family or milestones in Hunter's life- unless of course that is what strikes me to write about that day. I shouldn't feel this way- but when I got my first comment- I was excited- like- yea- someone is going to support me in my writing endeavor- my healing journey- my ............ yea- someone wants pictures. Of course- and for good reason (sorry Jeff- I do love you).

Don't worry- you will get pictures and cute stories- like the fact that Hunter can say like a hundred million words now- and still when he says Mama- it's the sweetest sound. And when we go to family vacation after Jessa's graduation from Auburn University- we will very likely take pictures of our ridiculously adorable children (Hunter and our beautiful redheaded niece, Lucy)- and I will see if Jason can post them up here. I'll try. : )

But- don't expect this to be a normal Mom blog. 'Cause I have selfish ambitions here. : )

people overload

I love people, I really do. I also love quiet moments and being by myself. I went to church this morning- which as a pastor's wife is close to hosting a party every time you go. I went to Sunday School, socialized during the half hour between Sunday school and church, then went to church. I dropped off and picked up Hunter at child care. The average church goer may speak to two or three people in the halls, the childcare giver and the handful of people in their class and maybe a couple of people and the pastor on their way out of "big church." I was kissed at least twice (not by my husband, and not that I minded- I love the old people who kiss me), I was told of a dream that involved me and my future baby girl (no- I'm not pregnant), I was hugged by numerous people, I asked about someone who is dying, and I made a business connection for a friend. That was a slow Sunday. Usually I'm pretty good with it all- but I think between the baby shower Saturday and church today- I'm overloaded on people. I even got annoyed at lunch today with the waiter- mostly because he was just another person talking to me.

The good thing is that some people in my life don't count as people- and I mean that in a good way. They are the kind of people that when I want to be alone- if they are in the room- I'm still able to have my peaceful moments. (of course there are those emergecy situations when even I am a person that needs to go away- so naps or quiet zoning out work for those days.) Jason is one of those delightful non-people people (my husband), y friends John and Nancy from seminary are alos not people. They are in town this week- which is super fun. Ok - now I need to go spend some time with my non-people people.

Success!

Baby shower- complete. Other than the girl who had to get drugged up before she came so she could face the lilies (she is allergic)- it went without a hitch! : ) I am exhausted. I love people and love being hospitable, but being an introvert - 3 hours of people makes me worn out.

We have leftover Chick Fil A, there isn't much better than that. It truly was a pleasure using them to cater the shower. They give you plates, cups, ice, sauces, etc. Seriously a good deal!

I am too tired for deep today- so here is my entry. Food, fun and lilies was a success- it was good to treat a dear friend to a nice party. : )

Day late, dollar short

Nothing like making a promise and forgetting on the opening day. Oh well. As Memaush would say- ces la vie! I'm embarking on my promise to make a blog entry every day- starting- I guess today, the day after Memaush's birthday.

This week has been crazy and the next and the next, and maybe the next will also be crazy. Crazy is a relative term- but I will say it's a lot of good crazy, so I don't have too much space to whine. I'm hosting a baby shower tomorrow. I'm hoping to God it will be fun or at least not torture. Baby showers lend themselves to being overly cheesy or too.... I don't know- baby-ish. I'm not the ideal "Mom" type- I don't like to say "aw how cute" 632 times. It's a baby- of course they are cute- just like puppies and bunnies... do we have to examine every item of clothing and every sentimental saying engraved on some random silver thing?

Ok- let me back up- this is fun for the woman who is having the baby (unless the silver thing is hideous)-and ultimately- it's all about them so the rest of us should suck it up. But regardless- wouldn't it be nice to have a baby shower that even a single woman with no desire to have children can enjoy? I like to fight for the underdog. The rest of us baby lovers have plenty to be entertained by.

I would love to go deeper tonight, but for now I need to keep cleaning... or sorting.... or writing and let my husband clean. I wonder some days if he'll wake up and realize he is way too good for me. Until then- I'll enjoy my catch!

talk to you tomorrow. whoever you are.

Sermon Writing

I am writing my sermon for May 9th (yes, Mothers Day) and trying to get it done before my fabulous friends John and Nancy and itty bitty Becca come to town. I'm preaching about joy. You know- down in your heart to stay. I've been reflecting on how as I've emerged from a period of depression (more on that later) that the ability to express your joys is as important a need as the ability to express your sorrows. In churches, we like to hang out in the lukewarm section... when really that just makes God want to vomit. I kind of get that verse a little bit now. I thought about how David danced naked with joy about bringing the arch of the covenant to his people (before Indiana Jones encountered it of course). I mean- David- a king- shakin his stuff because he was so happy! Maybe he was drunk, maybe he was crazy- but I have to think God was so relieved to be getting some sort of response! I love Eddie Izzard's take on this when he makes fun of the Anglican religious tradition of song- he mocked their drone-voices singing a life-less chorus of "oh God our help in ages past...." and juxtaposed that history of privilege and droning to that of the African spirituals that are sung with more gusto and life about the enslavement and torture of generations of ancestors... I don't want to be vomit-worthy. I don't want to live numbly without expression of joy or sorrow. I want to feel. I want to dance naked- and have God stomping the beat.

updates coming

i know- empty promises, but as a promise to myself (my sanity)- I am going to prioritize writing light in dark corners... we'll start with my life and move on to some other cobwebbed spaces. coming soon- I'm about to embark on a little journey- I think- starting on Memaush's birthday- April 29th, I'm going to try to write daily...anything- short or long... kind of like the movie Julie and Julia- except i don't cook fattening food. : ) Let's see if I can do it!