So I decided to iron some things that desperately needed it. To give you an idea of how often I iron- let's just say I'm not even sure if the iron was on most of the time and the only way I knew how to turn it off was to unplug it, and maybe that's a safety feature.
I thought it could be zen. But it didn't even get the wrinkles well enough (again, most likely a user issue)... so annoying.
Hunter is now awake from his nap. He slept 1hr 15 minutes. This was cool 2 months ago but lately he's been spoiling me with 2 hr naps. SO I'm bummed. Especially after my poor ironing experience.
Funny thing that I forgot to mention a few days ago. When my Grandmother and I went to get our nails done - the lady asked me if I wanted my eyebrows waxed. I said no thank you. 20 minutes later a different employee asks if I want my eyebrows waxed. Again, no thank you- but now I'm sufficiently self-conscious about my bushy eyebrows... and I didn't even think they were that bad! However- upon closer reflection- both employees had very little actual eyebrow and made up for it with a pencil. So I think maybe it's just a fetish with them and I'm happy to still own my full dark brows.
ok- need to get the child.
My parents and sister arrive tonight and we get to work tomorrow on Grandmother's apt. Wow.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Patience
Is not something I have a huge amount of. I consider myself an average patience person in the grand scale of things. I don't honk my horn unless it really is necessary, I can handle waiting in line. I don't flick people off who cut me off in traffic..(I might give them a dirty look)... point is- I'm not horribly impatient. but then again maybe I am.
I am sick of waiting. I was talking to my sister about searching for that calling and feeing a little lost in the transition of Grandmother's move. She wisely told me she knew that there was something out there and that I would find it and I had gifts to offer the world. But, she used a word I don't like so much: wait. I shouldn't rush into the next suitor just because I'm looking, but I should wait and see where I am lead. Well that's all fine and good but I feel like I have been waiting forever. I guess I still have some part of me that does believe that there is ONE BIG THING that you I can do if I find it and do it. I say that I believe more in a cycle of callings. This would look more like a revolving door of purpose - but not just spinning to spin- you work your gifts in one place and then you transition out of that and work your magic somewhere else. In it God is calling and guiding you along. Here's what I have issues with on that theory (although I still stand by it)- it feels like I just cycle and never fulfill- at least not for any length of time. In my perspective- this cycle of calling could contain as few as 3-7 callings in one lifetime or as many as 2 dozen. I feel like I'm going for the record of a gajillion. I don't feel like I'm soaring in any one thing. I want to do some big things- and that doesn't have to mean it's big in the world's standards- but big in my standards - fully satisfied- passionate and eager to follow- such that it is hard to let go and move on to another call. The way I journey this cycle it's like I can't wait to hop on to the next train. Except for this time- I really would take care of Grandmother as long as it takes- except I really am being called away. I can't be the one that does it. I have a child- want another child- my husband's job could move us away- this is not what Grandmother needs.
So I'm "waiting and seeing" about a lot of things- calling, how Grandmother does in the new place, how quickly I can get pregnant, how much it changes my life, how we can manage on a smaller income, our basement wall, how long it takes my family to live closer together.....
I'm a little done with waiting. I want something. and i want it now.
I am sick of waiting. I was talking to my sister about searching for that calling and feeing a little lost in the transition of Grandmother's move. She wisely told me she knew that there was something out there and that I would find it and I had gifts to offer the world. But, she used a word I don't like so much: wait. I shouldn't rush into the next suitor just because I'm looking, but I should wait and see where I am lead. Well that's all fine and good but I feel like I have been waiting forever. I guess I still have some part of me that does believe that there is ONE BIG THING that you I can do if I find it and do it. I say that I believe more in a cycle of callings. This would look more like a revolving door of purpose - but not just spinning to spin- you work your gifts in one place and then you transition out of that and work your magic somewhere else. In it God is calling and guiding you along. Here's what I have issues with on that theory (although I still stand by it)- it feels like I just cycle and never fulfill- at least not for any length of time. In my perspective- this cycle of calling could contain as few as 3-7 callings in one lifetime or as many as 2 dozen. I feel like I'm going for the record of a gajillion. I don't feel like I'm soaring in any one thing. I want to do some big things- and that doesn't have to mean it's big in the world's standards- but big in my standards - fully satisfied- passionate and eager to follow- such that it is hard to let go and move on to another call. The way I journey this cycle it's like I can't wait to hop on to the next train. Except for this time- I really would take care of Grandmother as long as it takes- except I really am being called away. I can't be the one that does it. I have a child- want another child- my husband's job could move us away- this is not what Grandmother needs.
So I'm "waiting and seeing" about a lot of things- calling, how Grandmother does in the new place, how quickly I can get pregnant, how much it changes my life, how we can manage on a smaller income, our basement wall, how long it takes my family to live closer together.....
I'm a little done with waiting. I want something. and i want it now.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Hunter is napping, people are cleaning, I am... waiting
Yes. I am writing my blog while waiting for an epiphany. Last night I had some ideas and went to search on some sites for some things for some time. Now I'm some kind of tired.
Let's just put it out there- I'm not a high energy gal. So naturally, I tend to underestimate myself and/or not go for the stars if you will. So last night I decided to shoot at least for a high flying kite. I put some bait out there, and we'll see what happens. In the meantime- just having made up a plan is helpful. It doesn't necessarily have to work or require a lot of execution- but it's keeping me sane. I also am acting less grr towards Jason. I'll let you know how it goes.
I will admit that right now there are people cleaning my house. People I am paying to clean while I sit on my ass and write a blog. This still stings my soul a little bit to admit. But I will make my defense: it is my therapy. It's cheaper and saves a lot of trauma. So there. I'm acting like a spoiled brat who pays for someone to clean when she is looking for supplementary jobs so that she can keep up this standard of living. I mean seriously- who am I? But there you go- I gave my defense.
And poor Bruno is outside in the 100 degree heat (he does have the shed he can lie in) because I don't want him attacking the cleaning ladies. Not that he would. But Bruno's presence is not conducive to cleanliness. Ever.
And so Jessa told me a friend of hers was reading my blog because he's bored at work (ahem- hey there) and I'm strangely honored but also a little concerned about what I'm putting out there for the world to see. Not that I mind people reading about this- but more along the lines of- do people really connect with this and/or care? In this case- a recent college grad- male. Probably doesn't so much relate to PMS. (thank your lucky stars buddy) However- it did make me think about the fact that I did want this to be a two-part challenge. The 1st part being to work through my grief and daily ups and downs after a crazy fall, the 2nd part- to work on the craft/art/method- (how do you say that without sounding so pretentious?) of writing.
So I think part 1 has been a roaring success- I certainly have processed out loud lots of nicely hard things, and joyous things. Part 2 I am totally denying. Am I just too afraid to put myself out there? Am I afraid of sounding too "writer" ish? You know the type- those blogs that wax eloquent every day or at least often enough. It's a little obnoxious. Like, really, no one can pull that much polished profundity out their ass daily. (I will say, that last sentence just tickled my heart. : ))
SOOOO- I guess I need to step it up. Any requests? How shall I exercise my "writing" muscles? I'm not great at fiction but I can play with it. I can delve into theology and see how many people I offend. I can have a 5 second "deep thoughts" corner in which I put polished profundity. (Is profundity a word? I think so.) I can practice grammar in sentences. hmmm. Anyone? Suggestions? Ideas?
Let's just put it out there- I'm not a high energy gal. So naturally, I tend to underestimate myself and/or not go for the stars if you will. So last night I decided to shoot at least for a high flying kite. I put some bait out there, and we'll see what happens. In the meantime- just having made up a plan is helpful. It doesn't necessarily have to work or require a lot of execution- but it's keeping me sane. I also am acting less grr towards Jason. I'll let you know how it goes.
I will admit that right now there are people cleaning my house. People I am paying to clean while I sit on my ass and write a blog. This still stings my soul a little bit to admit. But I will make my defense: it is my therapy. It's cheaper and saves a lot of trauma. So there. I'm acting like a spoiled brat who pays for someone to clean when she is looking for supplementary jobs so that she can keep up this standard of living. I mean seriously- who am I? But there you go- I gave my defense.
And poor Bruno is outside in the 100 degree heat (he does have the shed he can lie in) because I don't want him attacking the cleaning ladies. Not that he would. But Bruno's presence is not conducive to cleanliness. Ever.
And so Jessa told me a friend of hers was reading my blog because he's bored at work (ahem- hey there) and I'm strangely honored but also a little concerned about what I'm putting out there for the world to see. Not that I mind people reading about this- but more along the lines of- do people really connect with this and/or care? In this case- a recent college grad- male. Probably doesn't so much relate to PMS. (thank your lucky stars buddy) However- it did make me think about the fact that I did want this to be a two-part challenge. The 1st part being to work through my grief and daily ups and downs after a crazy fall, the 2nd part- to work on the craft/art/method- (how do you say that without sounding so pretentious?) of writing.
So I think part 1 has been a roaring success- I certainly have processed out loud lots of nicely hard things, and joyous things. Part 2 I am totally denying. Am I just too afraid to put myself out there? Am I afraid of sounding too "writer" ish? You know the type- those blogs that wax eloquent every day or at least often enough. It's a little obnoxious. Like, really, no one can pull that much polished profundity out their ass daily. (I will say, that last sentence just tickled my heart. : ))
SOOOO- I guess I need to step it up. Any requests? How shall I exercise my "writing" muscles? I'm not great at fiction but I can play with it. I can delve into theology and see how many people I offend. I can have a 5 second "deep thoughts" corner in which I put polished profundity. (Is profundity a word? I think so.) I can practice grammar in sentences. hmmm. Anyone? Suggestions? Ideas?
Monday, July 5, 2010
Grandmother is funny
SO- another Grandmother story. Let's do it in dialogue form...
Me: Ok Grandmother, we've gone through all your books now- that's awesome! I say we just glance through your drawers here and clean them out a little bit. Let's start here- you have about.... (I'm steadily gathering tube after tube of lipstick) a couple dozen tubes of lipstick (I run to the bathroom)- wait- here's a dozen more! You probably don't wear all these colors- do you?
G: Oh goodness, no, I don't need that many!
Me: Ok, let's just see what we have here (I sit on the bed with her)
G: You know, we were supposed to go get our nails done.
(side note- we briefly mentioned this in the morning- which is funny and cool that she remembered)
Me: Oh- yea we did talk about that.
G: Yes, let's go right now!
Me: Um, ok- let's go then!
And we went. And she didn't have to pick out which lipstick to pitch. She's a funny lady.
Me: Ok Grandmother, we've gone through all your books now- that's awesome! I say we just glance through your drawers here and clean them out a little bit. Let's start here- you have about.... (I'm steadily gathering tube after tube of lipstick) a couple dozen tubes of lipstick (I run to the bathroom)- wait- here's a dozen more! You probably don't wear all these colors- do you?
G: Oh goodness, no, I don't need that many!
Me: Ok, let's just see what we have here (I sit on the bed with her)
G: You know, we were supposed to go get our nails done.
(side note- we briefly mentioned this in the morning- which is funny and cool that she remembered)
Me: Oh- yea we did talk about that.
G: Yes, let's go right now!
Me: Um, ok- let's go then!
And we went. And she didn't have to pick out which lipstick to pitch. She's a funny lady.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Fireworks
I'm not watching them, but I can hear them- and I guess that's a little pathetic, but I'm grumpy and not in an awe-inspiring fireworks kind of mood. Too pretty for me right now. I know this mood of grumpiness has become a recurring theme over the last few days- and quite frankly I'm as annoyed with it as you are. But here it is, and I'm working on it. For the most part I do well- but there's something about the end of the day when everything you've been thinking about or avoiding finds a place to rest in the front of your eyes. I guess I'm just a little worried or concerned with too many things. Maybe I shouldn't say too many things- but rather more than my feeble brain and soul can sift through. Hence the grumpy evenings. I didn't get all my thinking done- so it sits and taunts me into introspection, which only makes matters worse.
On the other side of my grumpy mood- I have now a total of 20 large trash bags full of Grandmother's items to donate. Add to that 8-10 boxes (can't remember) in various sizes full of various things- all in the truck. Good job us! Jason was the maid today while I was the donator/inventory girl. Jason joined my camp when he got tired of cleaning and I cleaned a few things when I got tired of inventory-ing. So we got stuff done. Miles to go before we sleep- or at least rest I should say. 2 very different things.
I cried when I packed my Grandfather's (Opa) swim trunks into the donation bag- he was an avid swimmer. It sort of brought him back for a minute as a live memory. I cried when I heard my other Grandfather's (Papaush) voice on a random tape cassette that we found in the midst of operas and books on tape. It has been so long since I've heard his voice that I had almost forgotten it. I still so greatly mourn the loss of each of my Grandparents- Memaush being the most recent and difficult to do. When Grandmother says things like "I feel like I'm attending my own funeral" as I pack up her things and as I go through her stuff and check her pockets and throw them in the bag to be donated- I can't help but agree with her... I do feel like somehow this move makes me feel like she died or is dying. I don't know why- but I also feel responsible for it. I feel like I'm forcing this pre-funeral on her.
I texted my Dad about my grand donations compilation feat today and he responded: great, what charity? I know he cares. i KNOW he cares. But to me- (and my grumpy mood) that text could just as well have said: I don't give a shit. This is what my brain is doing to me. I can't win. I want to feel good about getting so much accomplished with Grandmother- but I feel bad about that because it means I'm working extra hard at moving her away.
And also- Hunter really really loves his Dada. So much that it is making me feel like I could leave for 6 months and he really wouldn't notice. I'm talking- constant choosing Jason over me- crying when Jason leaves, not upset when I leave. Real live favoritism here. And it makes me feel like a bad mother. I mean - the one thing I had going for me- scratched.
So I don't really believe everything I have written here about myself- but there are moments when I let it get too true- and maybe the best way to deal with it is to write it down so it's outside and I can look at it and say- that's stupid, Sarah- you're a good Mom, a good daughter, and a good granddaughter- and you do have callings in your life and you will find the next one- and all will be well...all shall be well, and all manner of things will be well.
On the other side of my grumpy mood- I have now a total of 20 large trash bags full of Grandmother's items to donate. Add to that 8-10 boxes (can't remember) in various sizes full of various things- all in the truck. Good job us! Jason was the maid today while I was the donator/inventory girl. Jason joined my camp when he got tired of cleaning and I cleaned a few things when I got tired of inventory-ing. So we got stuff done. Miles to go before we sleep- or at least rest I should say. 2 very different things.
I cried when I packed my Grandfather's (Opa) swim trunks into the donation bag- he was an avid swimmer. It sort of brought him back for a minute as a live memory. I cried when I heard my other Grandfather's (Papaush) voice on a random tape cassette that we found in the midst of operas and books on tape. It has been so long since I've heard his voice that I had almost forgotten it. I still so greatly mourn the loss of each of my Grandparents- Memaush being the most recent and difficult to do. When Grandmother says things like "I feel like I'm attending my own funeral" as I pack up her things and as I go through her stuff and check her pockets and throw them in the bag to be donated- I can't help but agree with her... I do feel like somehow this move makes me feel like she died or is dying. I don't know why- but I also feel responsible for it. I feel like I'm forcing this pre-funeral on her.
I texted my Dad about my grand donations compilation feat today and he responded: great, what charity? I know he cares. i KNOW he cares. But to me- (and my grumpy mood) that text could just as well have said: I don't give a shit. This is what my brain is doing to me. I can't win. I want to feel good about getting so much accomplished with Grandmother- but I feel bad about that because it means I'm working extra hard at moving her away.
And also- Hunter really really loves his Dada. So much that it is making me feel like I could leave for 6 months and he really wouldn't notice. I'm talking- constant choosing Jason over me- crying when Jason leaves, not upset when I leave. Real live favoritism here. And it makes me feel like a bad mother. I mean - the one thing I had going for me- scratched.
So I don't really believe everything I have written here about myself- but there are moments when I let it get too true- and maybe the best way to deal with it is to write it down so it's outside and I can look at it and say- that's stupid, Sarah- you're a good Mom, a good daughter, and a good granddaughter- and you do have callings in your life and you will find the next one- and all will be well...all shall be well, and all manner of things will be well.
Friday, July 2, 2010
It's a Girl!
My sister's baby is a girl!!! Yea! So now we can look forward to a little girl joining our family around Thanksgiving and Kelly, Jessa and I will appreciate the relationship that little baby girl will have with her sister Lucy. So fun.
My sister (in-law) that is also pregnant- Kelly- is a pooper and not going to find out what the sex of the baby is so that it can be a surprise. Kelly and JR really like that element of surprise... That's all fine and good- but what about what I want? : )
Then there is me. S A R A H. She's clueless- doesn't know what the hell she's up to. She's struggling with purpose and all that cliche stuff that feels especially cliche coming from a woman and mother. I mean seriously- can't we women figure this OUT? Apparently not.
Here's the stream of conscience thought this afternoon before dinner when I decided I couldn't possibly summon up the energy or more aptly- the desire to make dinner. Jason whipped us up a nice little tossed salad with some feta and turkey. Ok- back to thought process- this is all wrapped up in the slow-ass processing of Grandmother's move- which I need to write a little about a couple of things she said today that were hilarious or depressing. So I thought about how my grandmothers both worked- oddly, they were both preschool teachers. Grandmother literally built the program at her church from the ground up. SO- yea. They make me feel like a slacker. Then there's the whole calling fulfillment thing- I feel like I need to be doing something worthwhile. I also feel like I need to be bringing in more "bacon" and then there's the whole resentment that it has to be so hard- I can't just job search and find something that fits nicely and then morph into other things. Jason says (in a nicer way) that I want to have my cake and eat it too.... which makes no sense as a saying because why wouldn't you eat your cake? ANyway- but I kind of resent that- because the sacrifices that I am less inclined to make are not about me as much as they are about my family. I don't want to work all the time because I want to be present at home. I don't want to have a stressful job because it's not worth it to me. I don't want to have to worry endlessly about vacation time (within reason- I know) because I want to see my family and be able to be there when it matters.
SO. Apparently I'm asking too much and I'll never get what I want- which is fine, because as we mentioned before I don't know what I want.
Crap- Hunter is crying. Jason made too much noise doing the dishes.
Random hilarious interaction wih Grandmother today at lunch:
G: My doctor would fuss at me when I was pregnant to gain weight! He said he had to fuss at women to keep their weight down, but I needed to gain! I'm sure the doctor didn't have to fuss at you either way.
Me: Not really- the doctor was pretty happy with my weight gain- I didn't seem to gain too much.
G: You were just right- that's good. Hunter was a big boy when he was born, wasn't he?
Me: 9lbs, 6 ozs!
G: Oh my, that is big!
Me: yea, when I weighed myself after coming home from the hospital, I had lost 17 lbs!
G: Oh my goodness! 17 pounds! Did you gain any of it back?
(this is when I realized Grandmother was probably assuming I had gained 10 pounds for the pregnancy)
Me: no, actually- I kept it off and lost some more, I'm about 5 pounds under my pre-pregnancy weight, but things still don't fit right.
G: I think you're fine just the way you are, you don't need to gain or lose any weight.
Me: Thank you Grandmother.
(At which point I realized that this compliment was coming from a woman who weighed 85 lbs.)
This is the depressing conversation:
The setting: I'm throwing away her dozens of unread, dusty magazines.
G: I feel like I'm attending my own funeral!
(This is perhaps the 7th time she's said this)
Me: Grandmother- we're just tossing old magazines! You're making feel bad!
What Me wanted to say: We're just trashing your crap that you should have tossed a while ago- you're making me feel like shit - for the 7th time!
that's all I got tonight.
My sister (in-law) that is also pregnant- Kelly- is a pooper and not going to find out what the sex of the baby is so that it can be a surprise. Kelly and JR really like that element of surprise... That's all fine and good- but what about what I want? : )
Then there is me. S A R A H. She's clueless- doesn't know what the hell she's up to. She's struggling with purpose and all that cliche stuff that feels especially cliche coming from a woman and mother. I mean seriously- can't we women figure this OUT? Apparently not.
Here's the stream of conscience thought this afternoon before dinner when I decided I couldn't possibly summon up the energy or more aptly- the desire to make dinner. Jason whipped us up a nice little tossed salad with some feta and turkey. Ok- back to thought process- this is all wrapped up in the slow-ass processing of Grandmother's move- which I need to write a little about a couple of things she said today that were hilarious or depressing. So I thought about how my grandmothers both worked- oddly, they were both preschool teachers. Grandmother literally built the program at her church from the ground up. SO- yea. They make me feel like a slacker. Then there's the whole calling fulfillment thing- I feel like I need to be doing something worthwhile. I also feel like I need to be bringing in more "bacon" and then there's the whole resentment that it has to be so hard- I can't just job search and find something that fits nicely and then morph into other things. Jason says (in a nicer way) that I want to have my cake and eat it too.... which makes no sense as a saying because why wouldn't you eat your cake? ANyway- but I kind of resent that- because the sacrifices that I am less inclined to make are not about me as much as they are about my family. I don't want to work all the time because I want to be present at home. I don't want to have a stressful job because it's not worth it to me. I don't want to have to worry endlessly about vacation time (within reason- I know) because I want to see my family and be able to be there when it matters.
SO. Apparently I'm asking too much and I'll never get what I want- which is fine, because as we mentioned before I don't know what I want.
Crap- Hunter is crying. Jason made too much noise doing the dishes.
Random hilarious interaction wih Grandmother today at lunch:
G: My doctor would fuss at me when I was pregnant to gain weight! He said he had to fuss at women to keep their weight down, but I needed to gain! I'm sure the doctor didn't have to fuss at you either way.
Me: Not really- the doctor was pretty happy with my weight gain- I didn't seem to gain too much.
G: You were just right- that's good. Hunter was a big boy when he was born, wasn't he?
Me: 9lbs, 6 ozs!
G: Oh my, that is big!
Me: yea, when I weighed myself after coming home from the hospital, I had lost 17 lbs!
G: Oh my goodness! 17 pounds! Did you gain any of it back?
(this is when I realized Grandmother was probably assuming I had gained 10 pounds for the pregnancy)
Me: no, actually- I kept it off and lost some more, I'm about 5 pounds under my pre-pregnancy weight, but things still don't fit right.
G: I think you're fine just the way you are, you don't need to gain or lose any weight.
Me: Thank you Grandmother.
(At which point I realized that this compliment was coming from a woman who weighed 85 lbs.)
This is the depressing conversation:
The setting: I'm throwing away her dozens of unread, dusty magazines.
G: I feel like I'm attending my own funeral!
(This is perhaps the 7th time she's said this)
Me: Grandmother- we're just tossing old magazines! You're making feel bad!
What Me wanted to say: We're just trashing your crap that you should have tossed a while ago- you're making me feel like shit - for the 7th time!
that's all I got tonight.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Um.
SO- I ate too much dark chocolate, too many goldfish, and my sewing machine konked out on me. So, naturally I watched "League of Their Own" because this used to be my playground, and there's no crying in baseball.
Tomorrow my sister finds out whether she is having a boy or a girl. I'm super pumped! I think it's a boy, mainly because my Mom does and she's kind of always right. I'll let you know!
I'm going to bed now. This counts as my Wednesday post even though it's after midnight. So there.
and i'm done.
Tomorrow my sister finds out whether she is having a boy or a girl. I'm super pumped! I think it's a boy, mainly because my Mom does and she's kind of always right. I'll let you know!
I'm going to bed now. This counts as my Wednesday post even though it's after midnight. So there.
and i'm done.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)