Happy Birthday!

Today is Mikey's birthday, I thought he was 23, but turns out he's 24. It's funny, we live kind of close to most of Jason's family, but we don't see them as often as we should considering the distance.

Today was a long day, Hunter was whiney to say the least. I don't have a huge amount of energy left. So I'll leave it at that.

Sunday Morning

I sent Hunter with my Mom to church (she's teaching Sunday School) so he can go to childcare and we can get ready for "big church." Another day with the family in veiled anxiety. No real source but trying to read and respond to everyone's emotions. I made a snarky remark to my Dad this morning when Grandmother asked if he slept well and he replied that he did- then he failed to reciprocate with some inquiry into her night's sleep- which I pointed out. I don't think Dad appreciated that. I wouldn't have either, but it seems I'm on the super defense for Grandmother- even though I'm complaining and frustrated about her. Whatever. I make no sense.

So right now I'm thinking very seriously about showering, and sort of dreading going to church. It's the last Sunday for the pastor that has been at my home church for a long time, and in ministry for over 60 years. He is a good man, but there are a handful of reasons why he frustrates the bejeesus out of me. (just felt like including that fun word, bejeesus) SO at this "last Sunday" when tears and platitudes will abound, I will be standing in some corner with my snarky attitude trying to bite my lip. I won't embarrass anyone, I'll just fester a little.

You know, I was never good at sucking up. I don't know quite what bothers me most about it- but false praise has always gotten me itchy. I wasn't the teacher's pet unless it was a really good teacher. I guess I feel it takes away from true and genuine praise that is due to true and genuine people. The part that is most annoying is that those who are true and genuine don't seek praise, therefore often don't get it, and the jerks that thrive on platitudes get it through fake smiles all day long. But- I will say- that's not always true. Good people get praise, jerks can tell if it's fake and some people really like the jerks (which is the pinnacle of annoying). Oh lord- I am so raving bitterness today. I need to go get ready for church- and try to be good and genuine. and not bitter. : )

ok bye.

Long Haul

I'm in the bath tub, drinking rum and coke and working offline because my computer can't reach the unsecured wireless we've been tapping into on this side of the house. I feel sort of like this is my little hiatus. I'm getting a little grumpy and it was time for me to step away. I'm deciding that I should probably stay here for a little bit longer because Grandmother's things won't arrive until wed/thurs which means her apt won't be ready until at least fri/sat- and we're supposed to go home on Saturday. I feel like I would be leaving Mom and Dad in a chaotic moment if I left then. So I'll probably stay. This is a good idea. But I'm feeling homesick already- not that I know what I'm going to do with myself when I get home... I'm feeling sort of like I'm trying to please everyone- and instead of feeling like I'm pleasing no one or not succeeding, I'm feeling like it's really not affecting anyone but me. It would only affect them if I stopped, and sometimes that's all I want to do. Like this little hiatus to the bath tub. I'm feeling guilty by sitting here doing just this. tight gut guilty. But I might start getting bitchy if I don't take the break.

I'm not even sure exactly what is so difficult about all this or what is causing me to continue to feel on edge, but it is- and even the bath tub and rum isn't making it go away. Yeah, that's about all I have to say.

y'all stay up all night

My Memaush would say this before going to bed once she announced she was going to bed- but we could stay up all night. : ) It's kind of fitting for now. We are now in the routine of putting Hunter to bed, doing some activity, putting Grandmother to bed and then feeling somehow that we're staying up all night- catching up with husbands and friends and each other on what we accomplished that day.

We watched pride and prejudice with kiera neightly- it was very good (Of course I've never read the book, so don't yell if it didn't do it justice). I felt the chemistry between elizabeth and the Mr Darcy character was pretty good- and I love me some good chemistry on screen. It doesn't help that my husband is not with me in Florida- so there's no one to cuddle with.

SO I'm still tired but I have an appointment with the audiologist (another one) tomorrow to bring Grandmother to get fitted for a new hearing aid. I'm super excited- in a geeky way. I'm going to make an appointment with the ENT and find her a gerontologist. I may as well do some of the footwork while I'm standing around here. I guess I want to set her up well, and start Mom and Dad on the right foot. I still don't know what it's going to look like when I get home and my job is done. I'm keeping busy in the meantime and basically waiting to be home with Jason for the processing to continue.

Another random thing about pride and prejudice. It seems in the "old days" saying what was on your mind was basically a lowly and despicable thing- especially if you were a woman, real faux pas. The chemistry between Darcy and Elizabeth was the willingness of both to say what they meant - sort of- so it worked for them, the demise (then it worked out) of Jane's relationship was because neither actually said what they meant, and the mean old aunt character was a true bitch primarily because her status allowed her to say what she meant. At first I thought all of this politeness and propriety was so annoyingly evasive and preventing any real plot movement. Then I realized that in a very similar way- just with a different set of rules- we deal with human interaction and people not saying what they really mean or saying just that without any tact. I will say I think I will always prefer direct over covert simply because I can know exactly how to feel and respond. SO that's my response to the weirdness of the old days when women didn't always get to marry for love- which I actually have a theory on that. Divorce is so high now because men and women expect to have love like in the love stories - but don't realize it was a rarity when most the stories were written - and true love often takes work after the story happens- if you were so lucky to have that sweeping moment. Which I believe every one should be so lucky.

oh lord- i make no sense.

I'm going to bed - y'all stay up all night.

Here We Go!

Something I forgot to mention yesterday, Jessa, Grandmother, Hunter and I flew on a plane from DC to Florida. This was quite an accomplishment, but my favorite part (besides having the entire row to ourselves) was when the plane lifted off- I turned and said to Hunter "Here we go!" then I turned to look at Jessa across the aisle only to witness her turning to Grandmother and saying in the exact same sing-song way, "here we go!" It's no question we are sisters. And work as a team we must- she has been awesome fixing dinner, cleaning dishes, entertaining Hunter or Grandmother- etc. Whatever duty calls, Jessa is on it.

This morning Grandmother woke up at 530am when I unfortunately found myself awake and having to go to the bathroom (I think I was nervous about being responsible for Hunter and Grandmother or something)- and Grandmother was confused and scared- not sure what was going on. I had a raging headache and basically told everyone to go to bed- surely it would be better in a couple hours. And it was. Surprisingly. Grandmother woke up, got ready and came out smiling and ready to start the day. Whew.

Jessa had a doctor's appt and I had a headache- so my super duper Grandmother at nearly 88- got down on the floor and played with my nearly 2 year old son and entertained him while I dozed off on the couch. Miracles.

One last thing to share about Grandmother moments: last night Hunter wanted "Gigi" to read him Goodnight Moon. Precious. She read through it- pointing out pictures in the book, adding her own flair and Hunter was participating the whole time. It was kind of amazing- and exactly how life with the elderly should be- everyone in the same place, hanging out and participating in life together.

SO- my stomach is still in knots and my sleep is still interrupted and my soul is still restless. I'm not relaxed yet- not by a long shot. I'm getting there though- I will get there. I don't think I've ever had this much trouble sleeping though- it is very unlike me. Kind of not helpful. Oh well. Things are good and slowly my body will unwind itself from this increasingly taut spinning wheel.

What would be good news?

This is the question that was posed by our new pastor during the prayer time of our worship service last night. He asked it in a way that turned into a sort of "prayers of the people" time. It was a great thought provoking question, and so wzs Jason's sermon... Here is what I had in mind, although I didn't brave the crowd and speak it out loud: Good news would be that my Grandmother feels safe and not alone in her new home. We have yet to find out whether this good news is possible, but I am hopeful and fearful all at the same time.

We have been packing/pitching/sorting/ etc this weekend- which is why I haven't written. I am beyond exhausted. We just arrived a few hours ago here to Florida. We're here at my parents house until they arrive, until the things arrive, until the apartment is ready. Then Grandmother moves into her new home.

Grandmother dosed off a little bit ago (she's dosing again) and the old demon of confusion reared its ugly head again- it's fascinating how recognizable it is. The same puzzled look, the same blank feel- as if someone ran into my Grandmother's brain and hit delete on the last 6 months- in one swift move. I sat down and explained to Grandmother what was happening, where she was and where she was going. Understanding started to creep back- but the confusion monster left another scar. It made me remember, realize that we are not even close to being done with this transition. The work has only begun.

So keep praying. Pray for me. Pray for my parents. Pray most of all for my Grandmother- that she gets good news: she is safe and not alone, she is home and not confused. I'll try to get back on track with the blog now.

Fearless Leader

So- day 1 of family packing up Grandmother- kind of awesome. Everyone is in a good mood- I played "leader" and everyone did what I said (to an extent)! I am so exhausted so I will say 2 things: I love my husband, I love my family.

Jessa texted me this: "You were a great fearless leader today! I love you."

It's all I needed. : )