Oh my Lord

I haven't blogged in 6 days, was just about to sit down (well, I am sitting down) to write a blog finally (well, I am doing it) when Hunter decided to start crying- after I put him to bed- for no reason- at ALL. I am in Nashville because I'm obsessive about seeing my family when I get a chance and the last time I saw my niece Lucy was May and the next time I would see her is December. So I'm here because my nannying gig was given a wed-sunday hiatus.

And Hunter is crying. He didn't take a nap today (scratch that- he slept a measly 30 minutes in the car on the way back from the library and ice cream stop). So USUALLY that means night time is a done deal easy peasy. Unless of course I am by myself in parenting and 10 hours from home and tired. Then of course Hunter will decide to cry. For freaking real.

I am ignoring.

So. What's been keeping me from blogging? A couple days where the babies (Lily and Hunter) didn't coordinate their schedules for me, so naturally they didn't sleep for two seconds at the same time. I was at the in-laws for the weekend, and there isn't a whole lot of time to say "hey- I'm going to go blog while you guys bond." Then I was driving back and forth to a few things...like an impromptu Nashville visit... Then there is the tiredness that comes will all of the mentioned things that causes it to be less motivating to go blog.

OK- he's still crying. I'm going to check it out. Arg. There's my blog. That's what I've been up to. Managing crying babies.

The child that never sleeps

This is the child
this is the child
this is the child that never sleeps

Seriously. This child is a very good baby- but has a knack for not allowing herself to sleep. Example (keep in mind she is 2.5 months old- and can roll over already btw)... she has been here since 11am, she has slept a total of 30 minutes. It is now 3pm. I guess you can add 20 minutes if you count the sleepy state she drank her bottle in. I usually don't count that- she does. Right now she is in a vibrating swing that seems to be losing its magic and she is really trying hard not to sleep. I think he just might sleep- but wow. Even if you include the sleepy drinking time- that is 40 minutes in the span of 4 hours. For those of you not familiar with infants- this is a little strange. For those of you who had a baby like mine- it borders on alien. She's doing what I like to call the 7 mile stare right now... there is hope that she'll sleep!

heavy eyes...

Stare...

well I'll move on and let you know when I have success. So I had breakfast this morning with the "lead" pastor (he prefers that to senior- which is fine, but it's semantics to me)... it was nice. He's a bit ADHD but in the friendly I still actually remember your name way. It's so different for me to feel comfortable talking to my pastor much less making fun of him.

She's crying... fussing really- because this is the child that never sleeps. She's pissed because she's so damn tired. GO TO SLEEP.

Staring again...

Heavy eyes...

Back to the lead pastor... so I talked to him too much about the whole struggle of my calling/jobs/meaning that seems to circle me like a gnat on a hot summer day. It just won't leave me alone. I can't forget about it and for some reason I feel compelled to tell every listening soul about it at one point or another. Obnoxious.

droopy eyes...

So the lead pastor tells me the obvious stuff- get what you need to be ordained/become a chaplain/ whatever. This isn't particularly helpful because if it were that easy- I'd be on it. But instead I am a woman- who went to grad school too young- got married - had a baby- got invested in her husband's church and is completely invested in this methodist community that I want nothing to do with as far as careers go (meaning- I don't want to be ordained in the methodist church- I don't fit). And I have no current denomination or money or time. So that makes things a bit difficult. Not impossible- but difficult.

Asleep. Fi-na-lly.

So I tried to explain to a motivated white male in his 50s what it was like to be a scared responsbility-laden woman in her 20s (for at least this last year until I enter the more responsible 30s). He didn't completely get it- but they never do- but he did change his MO. This makes me sound a littlel immature- I don't mean to say that this man does not have family responsibilities or has no fear of risk-taking. I do mean to say that the tracks are generally much more clear for the men in this world (forget about ministry) and they don't have to physically give up their bodies for nearly 2 years to accomplish having a baby. Oh and they don't have to regain their body after those 2 years and think about doing it all over again (don't get me wrong- pregnant is one of the best I've ever felt- but it takes its toll).

OK- back to the conversation- he basically said (this is condensing a bit): create your own job in the church. He was thinking more hodpodge I believe (start a yoga cass, start a respite care program)... but it got me thinking. And now I have a google document (don't you just love gmail?) that is basically my lead pastor inspired, coffee high driven proposal for myself as an outreach coordinator for the church. I've worked myself up to full time now. I actually have staffing needs.

Here's the deal. I'm excited and feeling ridiculous at the same time. Do I really think I can accomplish all of this (or at least coordinate others to accomplish things)? I mean seriously- my list is a revolution. It's kind of like I assume that having created this job for myself suddenly gives me motivation and sure success. Success in things that people in the church have tried- maybe not hard- but tried. I'm banking on volunteers in my revolutionary list... and I had the hardest time recruiting volunteers when I was on staff before. I'm assuming to know more than I do, to have more energy than I do- and to meet with unconditional success. And meanwhile I'm going to start a spanish-speaking service that will be so wildly successful that we have a spanish-speaking pastor appointed here and buy the used car lot below us on rt. 50 to start a sister church. This is what I'm talking about- these are the galaxies I am shooting for- and while I know it is possible- I have an almost impossible time believing it is possible with me. And yes I know- all things are possible with God- blah blah blah- no disrespecting- what I mean is- God uses us- and sure- God is awesome at it and great things have been accomplished. I'm just not sure my drain-pipe plan for a self-made career to do all the things I think the church should do is necessarily going to be completely ordained or supported by God. And even if it is supported by God (which at least on the level of the vision I have- I hope so)- then I still find it impossible to believe I am the one to carry it out.

So there ya have it. I have a hugemongous fear of failure. Self-sabotaging fear. And that's that.

Still sleeping. Thank God. At least I can do this.

Harry Potter

How do I love thee. I just got done watching the latest movie (I borrowed it from a friend a while ago and was delighted to see that I had not returned it). Now I kind of want to watch another one. The only justification that I have is that I quite possibly might do laundry. I was supposed to during the last one but dinner and the plot got in the way. I really really really love Harry Potter. I mean- I'm not one to be obsessive- but this book series is like an awakening for literature. Seriously. I stand by this comment.

So- today I had Lily again and she was pretty good- she still needs a lot of help sleeping, but hey- that's what vibrating swings are for. I need to make sure I have battery back-up. : ) We went outside and organized my sun room a little bit. Nothing like some fresh air, plants and a broom to improve the mood. The day before yesterday I was kind of in a funk- actually- maybe it was yesterday- either way- it continued until today when my Husband and Harry helped snap me out of it. I'm not saying I won't slip back- but let's just say that a little Harry goes a long way. That and an encouraging phone call from my husband.

I'm trying to be good and pick up and organize more- but my steam is kind of out. I did our room. And it looks good. But that's basically it. I need to pick up a little bit before the cleaning people get here tomorrow (that's right- remember- my sanity?) but other than that I'm done.

Two thoughts: 1) I'm going to have to kiss my sanity goodbye (the cleaning people) because although many of you out there probably made the assumption that my husband and I as a pastor and nanny are rolling in the dough- strangely we aren't. And now that my Grandmother isn't nearby and I'm not getting paid to take care of her- I'm going to have to cut back.... a lot. Granted- we are not frivolous people. We do not have cable. I don't make it a habit to get my nails done or hair cut unless I'm at my parent's house or looking like rag doll. I cut Jason's hair. We own our cars- so no payments there. We don't pay rent because we live in the church-owned parsonage. Our main luxuries are eating out occasionally and movies or date night with the nice expense of babysitters. In a moment of insanity (or sanity depending on how you look at it) I told Jason that we would have to never go out to eat or the movies, and stop eating meat every meal. How I came up with the meat part I'm not sure. But yea- in comes sensible Jason calming me down and encouraging me. Here's the kicker- I can probably give up most of our "luxuries" - but I am super duper bummed about the cleaning. This to me is my therapy bill. I did not inherit the same clean-gene that my older sister got, nor the energy level that my little sister got. And I married a.... well.... moderate slob. He's not bad- but he's no neat freak either.

So yea. I'm going to go watch some more Harry Potter. Drown all my worries in Potter. Who's with me?

I just realized I was supposed to have a second thought. Um. The economy sucks and Northern Virginia is freakin expensive. Ok- that's 3 total thoughts for you there.

The H was L

So- I had lukewarm heat yesterday. It was fine- I got some stuff done, but two things got in the way of full on ON: 1) Baby- of course, 2) The AC was broken upstairs, which means the heat was actually steadily rising- but not in my ablity to get stuff done, but rather I experienced the slow-down effect that happens when it is muggy hot in your house. I moved in slow motion... which is probably why all schools waste a gazillion dollars a year on the most frigid setting in air conditioning... cold also has the same effect on me- so they lost me either way.

Right now I'm watching Lily in the monitor as she is DEtermined NOT to sleep. She isn't crying (yet) but she's jerking her body around- flailing her feet and knocking her head against the mattress- just in case she may be fooled into going to sleep. These are the times when I wish rational conversation worked on infants: "Sweetheart- you're 2.5 months old- you're supposed to sleep a lot- now would be one of those optimal times to try it out." Or maybe peer pressure: "Lily, dear- every other 2.5 month old is sleeping right now." But no- she has to do it her way- which is very like her mother (it's true, Amanda!). So yea- here I am to coax her into doing the right thing, and writing a blog until she has decided once and for all whether she will listen or not.

Meanwhile the air conditioner was indeed fixed this morning- so the AC is back on upstairs (yea), giving me no excuse to be slow. I was supposed to do dinner with a friend at 5 this afternoon, but she called sick and is taking a rain-check. So now I have the evening (at least until Liz comes over) and no excuses. GOT to get stuff done.

Seriously, she's still squirming. persistent little bugger.

So- the reason I am so determined to get things done is because A) I'm all by myself and it is SO much easier to get things accomplished this way and B) Jason is always Mr. Accomplishment when I leave (of course he gets weekends- but still)... so I feel like I have to live up to these weird expectations that no real person except myself has put on me.

So I think she's asleep. I'm calling it at 11:45. She better sleep longer than 20 minutes. We're in sleep training mood. Well- I am.

So I had a lovely dinner with a friend of mine last night- and it reminded me how simple friendships are really kind of nice and should be nurtured. That seems weird to say- but I grew up in the military so my theory on friendship was/is a little skewed. Basically friends are there in each place and are nice to hang out with and enjoy. When (not if, when) you move- there's a significant chance that you'll lose touch with most of your friends- so it's not really wise to be heavily invested in them. The investment time needs to go towards your family. This is what I was taught- through experience and my parent's repetition that we'll always have our family (sometimes this was seen as a threat). So- I was bad at investing in friendships. I still am. I enjoy hanging out with people- but as an introvert, military brat whose best friends are her husband and two sisters- it's kind of like I have my quota for friends satisfied. BUT- then again- I have those handful of friends that somehow I decided was worth keeping in touch with- and they have been treasures. I have maybe 2-3 friends from college and 2-3 friends from seminary that I am still invested in. And they really are wonderful- and I forget that too easily. So- friendships are worth the time. I won't say that I'm going to go try to invest in 700 new friendships- but it's a perspective I need to hang on to.

My older sister wrote a post on her new blog about attachment (she's a therapist) about this whole concept of the human need to be delighted in. As basic as the need for air and water. I never really thought about it that way before. At the end of her post, she posed the question to her readers: when was the last time you asked to be delighted in, felt delighted in? I think this goes beyond the obvious sexual answer (although that is not a bad answer)- but it made me think about how sometimes we take our family's delight in us for granted. Or maybe we are so used to it that we don't recognize it anymore. Perhaps this is something that friendships can kindle in you- a renewed sense of being delighted it- a different perspective. All your jokes are new to a new friend. : )

So there ya go- enjoy your friendships - appreciate the delight- and... I'm going to go fix lunch while the baby's sleeping. : )

The H is O

Today is the day I shall clean with fury. Lily is coming over and I will entertain her by dancing around and organizing in each room. Hopefully this will work. If not- the H is Off. But- I will have tried. I'm really thinking it will work though- so I'm trying to gear myself up- put on a little "eye of the tiger" and get ready to rumble. Yea.

So I talked to Jason this morning and a funny thing happened last night- Hunter climbed out of his pack and play and took a few steps down the stairs before Jason woke up to see our little almost 2 yr old staring at him from the top of the stairs at 2:30 in the morning. (remember- they are at Jason's parent's house) Not what he expected. So basically the rest of the night was spent with Jason finally convincing him to go back to sleep in the bed with him. I'm a little nervous that our crib/pack n play days are nearing their end. If I remember correctly, my parents had to put a lock on the outside of my door to keep me from leaving my bedroom at night. I was that persistent... A little worried that we've been enjoying the calm of regular schedule too much and forgot that there is a next challenge. My intuition says that as long as Hunter is going to sleep in the crib at home- we need to enforce that everywhere (so- Jason letting him sleep in the bed needs to be a one-hit-wonder)... and eventually we need to transfer Hunter to a bed- but seriously- he's not even 2 yet! How long are you allowed to leave them in the crib? Craziness.

OK- Lily will be here soon so I need to go grab some yogurt and granola so I can be energized for the day! woot woot!

The H is O.

All By MYself, really love being...All BY MYSeeelf

Ok- so here I am. In my house. With no baby. I kind of love it. My hubby and son went to his parent's house for the week while I stay at home and continue my nanny gig during the day and takin care of BUSINESS during the night. By that I mean organizing the shit out of everything I see. Or throwing stuff away. That kind of business. I'm also privy to quite the social plans for the week. I can't go and be by myself for real people!

Here is the honest truth. I have not been by myself in .. at least two years. Seriously. Jason and I have gone away a couple of times for the weekend, Hunter and I have gone away a few times for a week or two. But this is my debut as the bachelorette in her pad- with no one. I don't know how to celebrate best: loud music, bathtime with no definite end, sleep in a little, watch Harry Potter, hang out with friends, go see a movie whenever I want... so fun. The problem is that this "week" is really 5 days with a job in it. I'm going to meet up at Jason's parents' this weekend, so really it's not that long of a freedom march. But I will take it and run with it. or walk, very slowly.

I feel bad about how good this feels. But- what are you going to do really- lie about it? No. I feel awesome. So awesome, that I wish it was longer. I wish I didn't have yoga tonight so I could enjoy my long night even more... ooh- maybe I'll skip yoga- I can do whatever I want! HA!

So my post needs to be more than this, yes, I need to wax eloquent about something.

like solitude.
like silence.
like rest.
like baths.
like not cooking dinner.
like not coaxing food.
like ...

hmmm. I'm in a purging mood. I see thingss I want to get rid of. Jason is a closet hoarder. He'll hoard as long as it fits in a closet. (hilarious- I know it- I am HIlarious) So- maybe this is my chance, take a truck load to goodwill so that when he gets back we live a simple life with half the shit and everything has a place and a half. Maybe not that much- but I do think I should take advantage of this mood- go fix myself a salad with waluts, turkey, goat cheese, feta cheese (can you have too much cheese?) and dried peppers and rock this house! Or throw away junk we don' need.

By the way- I saw something the other day that I think is a slap in the face: volunteer jobs listed under real job listings- like you scroll along the jobs advertised and you see a job that's unpaid. Really? Does anyone look for volunteers in the help wanted ads? I guess it's a way to sneak it in- but wow- these people need money. My current thought on that matter.

Grandmother's Birthday

Today my Grandmother is 88 yrs old! I called to wish her happy birthday and that was just about all she could hear- but she did hear that. Wow- 88. I'm impressed with her. All that transition seems to be going well. Grandmother seems to be happy, she's spending lots of time with my parents and she getting adjusted to her new place. I talked to a couple of her friends and they mentioned that she seemed a little confused- but mainly because she had no concept of distance and was eager for Norah and Audry to come see her new apartment. This did not worry me because she hasn't understood distance for a while. She was never that surprised when family came to visit- in fact I think she always wondered why they didn't pop in more often. So- if that's the most of our worries- then I am happy. Happy Birthday, Grandmother!

So- in other news... the ants are dead. Courtesy of Jason and by way of Jeremy's ant spray. Dead, dead, dead. I am supremely excited about that.

OK...and we're going to dinner tonight at a couple's house. This couple is from church snd their daughter is our go-to for babysitting, except she goes to college in the fall and gets a camp job in the summer. But when Grandmother was in the hospital and rehab- Kelly was with Hunter all day every day and she still loves him. We love her. So I'm excited about dinner just because it's a night out with people I like. You know the feeling. : ) I even spritzed a little perfume.

And... what else. I just saw an ant. An ant had the balls to show up. I just killed it with an entire paper towel. Seems like overkill, but he's dead.

So- another note and I will close... I wrote out a note for the babysitter and realized that all of us mothers do this. We write a note and then we tell the babysitter everything that we put on the note. It's kinda ridiculous- but it's unavoidable. OK- bye!