I have been terrible at updating this blog. Right now I have about 15 minutes before Hunter will be ready to eat again- so I will post a short thing- letting the world know about my new life and hopefully my new comittment to write about it.
I need to learn how to do all the fancy things like posting pictures, etc. But for now you get words.
Hunter Isaac Snow was born on September 16th at 9:22am. I really don't believe the statement I just made. Being pregnant and wrapping your head around that phenomenon is a completely tame idea compared with the profound and hard to grasp reality of a human child living in your care. I even question that his name is Hunter. It seems ridiculous that I had the power (together with Jason) to name a human. I call him Hunter and every now and then my voice has an element of hesitation- like I am asking him if I am mistaken. He is utterly and completely dependent upon me- more so than on anyone else- and yet I feel strangely dependent on him. If he was not around- my days would not be organized around his needs, his smiles, his pooping and burping abilities. I live each day in part to maintain the survival of another human being. That is daunting and inspiring at the same time.
Motherhood is something people either treat as sainthood to be aspired to or completely mundane and to be avoided. My vote is that it lies somewhere in the middle. Motherhood, at least for me in this early stage, is very primal. People talk in rosy terms and it doesn't seem to quite grasp the depth of dependence for survival that is required of mothers. People apologize for my lack of sleep and are amazed at how well I've handled it. I wonder to myself- is there really any other option? You have to get up. That neccessity makes it something that doesn't cause me to feel rosy or mundane. Like a mother bird travelling the skies for food for her little ones- she probably doesn't feel proud of herself for feeding her chicks, nor does she find her job useless and mudane. Primal. It's the best word I can use. So everything I do for Hunter at this point is a very real job- the most important job with satisfaction measured in growth and the signs of contentment from a baby. It is odd that a baby who cannot speak and barely responds can offer such positive affirmation in this job. But one of the most affirming things I have encountered is a good, solid burp from Hunter.
Don't get me wrong in the job analogy- there are rosy elements. I love it when Hunter is done eating and his face is covered with the remnants of the last few sips he took when his tummy was full but his mouth was on automatic. It is a miracle in itself that somehow I am able to provide nourishment enough to feed and grow a child for months. It is similar to how I felt about the pregnancy. I did literally nothing - and yet something perfect was growing and forming inside me. Now I still do nothing- I try to eat well and drink lots of water, but these are things I try to do anyway. Now I have a more pointed purpose- but yet all in all- I do nothing and these miracles occur in and around me. It is nature, biology, things functioning as they should... yet it is personal and miraculous, something that doesn't seem like steril science.
I love it when Hunter smiles, these smiles I take as genuine smiles- I don't care what people say about gas or poop- he's smiling. I love it when Hunter is sleeping so contentedly- it is the epitome of innocence. I even love when Hunter projectile poops or pees- he has no idea the chaos it could cause or why it might be hilarious- he is just doing his business at the particular time we have his diaper off. I love it when Hunter sneezes- it's the perfect little sneeze and he often has a little grin on his face afterward that looks like satisfaction.
So, since I started this entry, I've fed Hunter, watched him coo for a guest and put him down for a nap. He seems to be enjoying today. We had some issues with our heater (one really- namely it wasn't working) and someone from the church came by and did some magic and now it works! Poor Hunter had to be cold last night, and he was a little more restless through the night. So here's hoping that tonight he will sleep better since it will be warmer.
Ok- so that's my post for now- I'll write more later between feedings, between naps, between poops. I'll try to be honest and yet I will keep the light on.
