I have thought many times of things to write in this black hole of a cyberspace corner. I have had emotions ranging from pure joy to total frustration- luckily not all the way down to the pits. I have read articles that made me think deep and intellectual thoughts. I have had mommy moments that begged to be recorded. But- life is normal, and write I did not. Right now I have one of those rare moments where the kids are sleeping, the husband isn't home and I fear breaking the silence- so I have nothing else to do but stalk facebook and finally, write.
I have so much to be grateful for. My attitude for once is improved. I feel genuinely grown... if that makes sense. This last year of growth from climbing out of depression, birthing a second child, completing a chaplain internship and dealing with some difficult situations- it has actually made me stronger. It is not always the case that I feel growth from hardship. Many folks out there are the type that can chant "no pain, no gain!" and other cliches like that.... I'm not one of those. Pain is very real and very heartbreaking to me. I usually deal with pain by denial, bittered acceptance, and flippancy. When I engage the pain I run the risk of depression and brokenness. In this past year I've done all this, but most importantly I ultimately and finally grabbed hold and lifted myself up and sat above the pain- exhausted, but triumphant and with a new view. This is a victory for me. It gives me a new way to deal with life's struggles and encourages me to trudge through when I get knocked by it again. I'm also learning to lean- most specifically on my husband- for help in the struggle... for a voice of reason and hope and encouragement that I can trust more than my own. I am deeply grateful for the person my husband is and the integrity he has. I genuinely think that he is the best person in the world. Seriously. It makes me wonder about people who do not have a confidant. I don't mean a spouse- although there is certainly a wealth to be had in that- but I mean the simple and yet profound gift of having another human being that you can be vulnerable with and lean on.
We had a joke in seminary that was more of a "truth" that we spouted to cover every question: "It's all about relationship." I still believe it today- and if I give myself time to think about it- I realize how incredibly sad and poor we as humans are now. How many healthy (or at least functionally working on healthy) relationships do we have? I often see married couples and how they interact (or don't) and wonder how a person can survive will no connection. I have perhaps a handful of people in my life that I would say I have a genuine relationship with. I consider that to be wealthy- but I'm greedy and I want more.
At the core of all that is evil and all that is good- I believe it might trace back to our need for relationship. When we are disconnected- things go awry, when we are connected- there is deep joy (and pain). Been thinking about that lately.
Other things I've been thinking about: how little I think. Ha. I bought a smart phone recently (the latest iphone) and I am in information overload! I was somewhat isolated and clueless as a stay-at-home mom with a husband in a local church and as a resident in a fairly wealthy area of town (yea for church-owned housing!). Now I can read an article that my exceedingly well-informed and intelligent friend shared on facebook. Yes- it's a joke that I'm getting my news from facebook, but the articles are authentic and from good and multiple sources. I've somehow landed on some mailing lists that have increased the news input into my tiny little smart-phone. I could be a technology antagonist and ban the influx, but I am hungry for it. I read an article a little while ago that actually challenged me to think in a different way. I cannot over-emphasize how rare and refreshing that was. To find articles that are well-written and well-sourced being placed neatly in my lap by smarter friends is a blessing that I choose to accept and appreciate. It is a little depressing to see the corruption in the world- but it is necessary for me to see it. How else can I throw punches at it?
All this is happening while I canter through my normal life: making my 4 month old laugh, potty training my almost 3 year old just in time for preschool, volunteering in the crib room, grocery shopping, making vegan meals, working out schedules and chores and discipline and then having space for connection.... because that is what it is all about.
