For a long time I assumed that my life was easy, and that I did not struggle, or more accurately, *should* not struggle. I thought that my awareness of the ease of my life was a positive thing, something that allowed me to keep in mind how not hard it should be to be me. My perspective was WOKE as they say, and as I thought. As usual, I was mostly full of shit.
My life is constant learning. Some people get to feel proud of their wisdom for a good period of time. I have tried to feel wise, but I usual end up getting humbled by something pretty quick. Thanks a lot, introspection. Even this blog- I'll come up with something later that will make it all silliness- I'm sure of it. But life is a process and apparently I'm meant for the slow-rise.
My latest lesson in life has been that I do, in fact, struggle. I'm not talking about the proud struggle of triumphing over huge odds- but more along the lines of "I struggle to do things that most people accomplish with ease." I neglected to recognize this, or perhaps to think it was allowable, because I knew logically that my life was actually not all that hard. But, that logical explanation for some reason does not make me more functional or capable or a higher achiever. Even with lots of privilege and love and support, I still struggle. This was very difficult for me to accept. Ha- "was"- it IS difficult for me to accept.
My goal right now is to face two things: I struggle, and that absolutely needs to be OK. For the record- it isn't yet. There are some days that I struggle a lot. I thought that because of how "easy" my life is and how capable and brilliant I am, that the struggle was either not really a struggle (I must be lacking perspective), or at the very least, it is not really OK for me to struggle under these circumstances.
By no intention of any of my peers or mentors, I sort of gleaned from life that if you are struggling, it means you're doing it wrong. Or maybe you shouldn't be doing it to begin with. Surely you can relate to this mentality? I mean, we certainly see a video or article circulate at least a million times a day to reinforce this idea. Are you struggling? Then you: haven't found your calling, aren't fully present, don't have enough vitamin whatever, spend too little time in the dirt/sun/ocean, do too much, do too little, etc. etc. etc. We have so many options for why we are needlessly struggling. To struggle means that we're doing it wrong. Even the "no pain no gain" folks see struggle as a mere means to an end. We as a human race (especially in our American framework) believe struggle should not be a constant. If we are strong, we defeat the struggle either in mind, body, or soul. Struggle is not a way of life.
Ah, but I finally realized that it is. I mean, it might ebb and flow. But my whole adult life I have been struggling, and I have been struggling to fix myself, stop the struggle, make things easier, give myself worthy goals, whatever it takes to make my struggles have purpose, and an end (both literally and metaphorically). I was watching those stupid videos and thinking "maybe if I just stood in the ocean for 15 minutes a day, all the hard things would become easy to tackle." There's the tiny distinction here that I want to make clear: I wasn't under the impression that I should have no "problems" or that bad things shouldn't happen, my frustration was that those obstacles were so effective in slowing me down. The very struggle itself was making me insane.
It's a little bit comical though, to have this mindset that I should be able to easily clear every hurdle like some Olympian gliding over every barrier effortlessly. Yet, somehow I have it embedded in my mind that if I trip, maybe this kind of race isn't for me, or maybe I'm totally worthless. Or maybe I'm not trying hard enough, or haven't found the THING that will help me soar.
In a particularly rough patch of depression, I got so angry with myself, so frustrated. I asked myself "Why is it so damn hard to just be normal?!" Why is it such a struggle just to function? Then it hit me, and not in an epiphany way to make the struggle go away, but rather I just realized that I don't know why, but I did know that it is a struggle. I'm trying to accept it at face-value. Being a functional human being is hard for me. And it probably will always be hard for me. Not in ways that are obvious or always super painful (and sometimes they will be), but I do, in fact, have to work hard every day at being human. And I will, almost every day, struggle with it. Some days I will flat out fail. There are dreams that I have that I won't achieve. There are things that I'd like to do, ways I want to be, that won't happen. Because I'm struggling. Because I'm not an Olympian when it comes to some of these hurdles.
Somehow I can easily accept that I cannot and will not ever hear like a normal person. I make adjustments, learned tricks and adaptations that help. I have hearing aids. I tell people when I can't hear or accept that I won't hear something. This can be a little annoying at times, but I have NEVER thought to myself that somehow I wasn't trying hard enough to hear. That's ridiculous! And yet, when it comes to my mental health- I keep expecting that I will somehow not have to work at it at all. That one day when I figure it all out- I'll just glide on a joy cloud forever and ever amen. I don't need to adjust or adapt or work at it. I expect that I shouldn't need to, and I tell myself I'm not doing enough- or that it is my fault that I struggle.
Admitting that I struggle, and that I will always struggle, weirdly gave me a little bit of a break. I have to remind myself of this feeling because that "shouldn't be struggling" is embedded in my brain. If I accept my mental struggle like I accept my hearing struggle, I no longer have to try not to struggle. This is what I have to work with. It is not bad, it is not by some fault, it is just the parts that make up me. I have people who love me, I have meaningful relationships. I have dreams and hopes and desires. So- I might struggle, but it's so I can keep being human and keep loving and keep experiencing life. If I stop getting so mad at myself, maybe I can enjoy the good stuff a little more.
So I'm going to keep struggling. If I retrain my mind, I can picture the struggle as me working very hard. And on the days I fail, to either try to remember, or have someone who loves me remind me that I won't fail every day. Accepting my struggle gives me permission to be proud of how functional I am, proud of how hard I work, and how that work pays off many days. I'm maybe not all the way to proud yet, but I'm thinking that maybe my expectations on myself were a little too high. There are things I can do within the framework of who I am. Being honest about my struggle does not diminish my dreams, it just means if I reach them I get to be really pompous about it. Ha!
Actually, that's not true. In a weirdly God-infused moment, I realized that because it can be such a struggle to do life, that if anything amazing does happen- it's going to have to be with a shit-ton of help from God (which comes in all shapes and sizes, but particularly in the shape of community). If God can use me, then that would be so wonderful AND I'll need assistance. Like Moses who depended on his brother Aaron to make his speeches, who complained all the time about the people he was leading, and who ultimately didn't even get to go to the promised land because he doubted... he still did incredible things. He still let God try to make things happen within the struggling person he was. And he got to see God. That's alright.
I'm not going to expect myself to change the world anymore. I can barely do regular life. If God wants me to change the world, then here I am- here are my limits, and here is my struggle. See what you can do, and I will try my hardest to keep humbling myself, I will lean on every crutch (person) I can, and I bet miracles could happen. But even if they don't, I can still find joy in my family and friends and I still get to see God. And that's alright.
