When you *know* that today is a day that depression has a wee bit more of a choke hold on you- what do you do? People say "be gentle with yourself" and I'm not exactly sure what that means. Does it mean I can lie in bed all day? Then depression wins but I've been gentle. Can I watch Hocus Pocus and ignore the things that need to be done?
The truth about depression is that it does what I've decided to call "D to the pressing." You know how the things you need to do each day have a certain sense of urgency to them? Maybe not even urgency but just a level of importance that means you tackle them first and get it done. Depression is D (down) to the pressing. The things that should be pressing - should be normal catalysts for action (like- get out of bed, shower, eat, pay that bill, get your car's oil change, etc)- they are just somehow tied to an anchor somewhere in the middle of the ocean. SO now, instead of hopping out of bed, showering, eating and going to get your car's oil changed and paying the bill while you wait: you have to swim through an ocean current and added weird gravity to get out of bed. Everything takes forever. Everything is hard. Your brain knows all these things are "easy" and also "pressing" but somehow your brain also knows "meh" and "in a minute." What could be completed by noon is begun at noon, with no hope of finishing. And carries every promise of defeat.
What do you do with that? Do you be gentle by acknowledging that every task today is going to be a marathon but go ahead and do the marathon with an injury anyway? Do you be gentle by giving yourself the day off? Take a knee and the next day you hope you can do the things. The issue is, you never know when you'll wake up injured or when you'll wake up healed, or to really mess you up: IF you will ever wake up healed. Also- we don't live in a vacuum or on an island or any of those metaphors that remind us that while yes, we have a village, that village needs us too. Some of those village people are kids that expect to be fed dinner and have clean clothes. The gall.
So just like the American Dream says: hard work pays off. So should I work hard through it, even though I know I'll go an inch and feel like an ass?
I really don't know the answer.
Today everything is D to the pressing. I did call about that bill, though. And I showered and ate and fed the dogs. Doesn't seem like a monumental achievement but it took a lot to get here. Maybe I'll go watch Hocus Pocus as my reward. For doing the bare essentials.
Tuesday, October 8, 2019
Monday, October 7, 2019
House, Family, Body
I have become hyper-aware of what women talk about when we are in groups- whether men are present or not. I have been to a few gatherings lately and most of the time the conversations revolve around these three things: house, family, body.
Notice I didn't write "home" because there is a difference between a house and a home. I absolutely love a happily decorated home, and I love when people make a house a home. My soul begins to cringe when the house topic comes up in a "Keeping up with the Jones'" kind of way. I have tried my absolute hardest not to utter the ever-recurring phrase "Excuse the house/mess!" with some fill-in-the-blank excuse. NO.
I had a whole paragraph just now where I talked about my house and how I was FINE with how it wasn't clean, and then I slapped myself and said "STOP IT!" My soul cringes, not because we need to have a discussion about the realness of the expectations/guilt/shame that women deal with when it comes to whether their house is clean or designed or updated. (Which is not a bad discussion to have, but not my current point.) My soul cringes because unless your PASSION is building/decorating/whatever, your house is NOT the most exciting thing about you. Can you please, please tell me a story about something else? I've heard everyone's house stories and they are startling in their similarities. They aren't that interesting. YOU are more interesting.
At one of the gatherings, a mom talked about something she was passionate about. She apologized for it.
At another function, one of the women, whom I had never met, told me about her diet. And how she couldn't possibly have a cookie. (She actually ended up having one, which I delighted in.) She definitely had things that were more interesting about her, but I only know a tiny bit about that and a detailed version of what food she eats and what amount gravity tells her her body is worth.
There is this really uncomfortable dance that we do when we talk about food this way. We talk about how much weight we need to lose and then are confronted with someone who has a view that is different. "You don't need to lose that much weight!" This statement elicits the cringe-worthy self bashing of bodies. It's a war that no one wins. "I am the fattest!" "I am actually not as skinny as you think I am!" "I have body parts that are gross that you can't see!" The idea is that we're complimenting the other person, but we do it by degrading ourselves. NO ONE WINS THIS WAR. I always feel awkward because you can't enter this conversation without adding to the ridiculousness of it. SO it's awkward. Can't we talk about something else?!
We can't help but talk about our family. But most of the time we talk about the socially acceptable things (I do). Like: my son is so messy and eats so much, oy, pre-teens!! Or: my kid loves his/her sports sport thing. Or: things are different now from when I grew up! Also: I wish I wasn't such a terrible parent (cue laughter at your own darkest fear). This might be my biggest pitfall when it comes to socializing. I use my kids as shields to hide talking about me or real things. My kids are real things, but how much they eat and how well they aim in the toilet is not the most interesting thing about them either. Even when we talk about the things we struggle with, we talk about them like they are all some cosmic joke. "I have NO idea why I can't clean my house! I am so overwhelmed with society's expectations of me- HAHAHAHA. I guess we're just *that* family (nervously hoping everyone is also *that* family or at least mine is funny enough to serve a function). My kid hates sports- oh well! (Is that OK?) I don't feed my kid vegetables because it's a pain in the ass and I'm tired of the effort! (That doesn't feel OK but I'm going to crack a joke about it so that somehow I seem TOTALLY fine with it.)" And on and on and on.
What is interesting about you and me? How do we talk about those things? I understand the role of small talk (even though I hate it), but I think we just keep repeating it rather than moving forward/deeper. I also don't know how to share the interesting stories about ourselves without also maybe crossing some boundaries of vulnerability. We maybe shouldn't start with the body in the suitcase (I'm re-wording 'skeleton in the closet' and this re-word makes me really uncomfortable- which I think gets to the actual thing we mean when we say 'skeleton in the closet'). Let's start with things we enjoy and are passionate about.
I like to write, paint, sew, lie under the rays of the sun, take long walks on the beach (seriously, I do), and travel/explore. I went on a few life-changing trips over the last ten years that has brought me to a point where most of what I do is pointed towards creating the chance to travel with family, friends, and by myself. I like being by myself or in small groups of people. Large groups make me uncomfortable. Singing and dancing in large groups make me very uncomfortable. Unless I'm drunk, which I try not to be. Or unless it was that one time I was barely tipsy and danced like a fool at my sister's 40th birthday bash. I still don't understand why I felt so free to dance in front of all her friends. Maybe because my sisters were dancing with me?
Those are some of the interesting things about me. At least I think they are. Yet, when I start talking about those things I'm afraid people get bored, or they think I'm being cliche about the long walks on the beach. I think maybe I'm talking too much about this important stuff and I'm trying to get attention or affirmation or --- connection. That's what I want but it's super scary. So I go back to cracking jokes about boy farts and giving the 2 second version of my life-changing trips because I'm pretty sure your attention span can't handle much more than that.
What is interesting about you? Why don't you talk about it more? Why do you need to apologize about getting excited about something? Why do you need to joke about the things that scare you or make you feel shame? I mean - we kind of all know the reasons why, but could we try not talking about the house, your cleaned-up family, and your body? Unless you're talking about the time you cleared out the living room and had a dance party with your family. I want to hear about that.
Notice I didn't write "home" because there is a difference between a house and a home. I absolutely love a happily decorated home, and I love when people make a house a home. My soul begins to cringe when the house topic comes up in a "Keeping up with the Jones'" kind of way. I have tried my absolute hardest not to utter the ever-recurring phrase "Excuse the house/mess!" with some fill-in-the-blank excuse. NO.
I had a whole paragraph just now where I talked about my house and how I was FINE with how it wasn't clean, and then I slapped myself and said "STOP IT!" My soul cringes, not because we need to have a discussion about the realness of the expectations/guilt/shame that women deal with when it comes to whether their house is clean or designed or updated. (Which is not a bad discussion to have, but not my current point.) My soul cringes because unless your PASSION is building/decorating/whatever, your house is NOT the most exciting thing about you. Can you please, please tell me a story about something else? I've heard everyone's house stories and they are startling in their similarities. They aren't that interesting. YOU are more interesting.
At one of the gatherings, a mom talked about something she was passionate about. She apologized for it.
At another function, one of the women, whom I had never met, told me about her diet. And how she couldn't possibly have a cookie. (She actually ended up having one, which I delighted in.) She definitely had things that were more interesting about her, but I only know a tiny bit about that and a detailed version of what food she eats and what amount gravity tells her her body is worth.
There is this really uncomfortable dance that we do when we talk about food this way. We talk about how much weight we need to lose and then are confronted with someone who has a view that is different. "You don't need to lose that much weight!" This statement elicits the cringe-worthy self bashing of bodies. It's a war that no one wins. "I am the fattest!" "I am actually not as skinny as you think I am!" "I have body parts that are gross that you can't see!" The idea is that we're complimenting the other person, but we do it by degrading ourselves. NO ONE WINS THIS WAR. I always feel awkward because you can't enter this conversation without adding to the ridiculousness of it. SO it's awkward. Can't we talk about something else?!
We can't help but talk about our family. But most of the time we talk about the socially acceptable things (I do). Like: my son is so messy and eats so much, oy, pre-teens!! Or: my kid loves his/her sports sport thing. Or: things are different now from when I grew up! Also: I wish I wasn't such a terrible parent (cue laughter at your own darkest fear). This might be my biggest pitfall when it comes to socializing. I use my kids as shields to hide talking about me or real things. My kids are real things, but how much they eat and how well they aim in the toilet is not the most interesting thing about them either. Even when we talk about the things we struggle with, we talk about them like they are all some cosmic joke. "I have NO idea why I can't clean my house! I am so overwhelmed with society's expectations of me- HAHAHAHA. I guess we're just *that* family (nervously hoping everyone is also *that* family or at least mine is funny enough to serve a function). My kid hates sports- oh well! (Is that OK?) I don't feed my kid vegetables because it's a pain in the ass and I'm tired of the effort! (That doesn't feel OK but I'm going to crack a joke about it so that somehow I seem TOTALLY fine with it.)" And on and on and on.
What is interesting about you and me? How do we talk about those things? I understand the role of small talk (even though I hate it), but I think we just keep repeating it rather than moving forward/deeper. I also don't know how to share the interesting stories about ourselves without also maybe crossing some boundaries of vulnerability. We maybe shouldn't start with the body in the suitcase (I'm re-wording 'skeleton in the closet' and this re-word makes me really uncomfortable- which I think gets to the actual thing we mean when we say 'skeleton in the closet'). Let's start with things we enjoy and are passionate about.
I like to write, paint, sew, lie under the rays of the sun, take long walks on the beach (seriously, I do), and travel/explore. I went on a few life-changing trips over the last ten years that has brought me to a point where most of what I do is pointed towards creating the chance to travel with family, friends, and by myself. I like being by myself or in small groups of people. Large groups make me uncomfortable. Singing and dancing in large groups make me very uncomfortable. Unless I'm drunk, which I try not to be. Or unless it was that one time I was barely tipsy and danced like a fool at my sister's 40th birthday bash. I still don't understand why I felt so free to dance in front of all her friends. Maybe because my sisters were dancing with me?
Those are some of the interesting things about me. At least I think they are. Yet, when I start talking about those things I'm afraid people get bored, or they think I'm being cliche about the long walks on the beach. I think maybe I'm talking too much about this important stuff and I'm trying to get attention or affirmation or --- connection. That's what I want but it's super scary. So I go back to cracking jokes about boy farts and giving the 2 second version of my life-changing trips because I'm pretty sure your attention span can't handle much more than that.
What is interesting about you? Why don't you talk about it more? Why do you need to apologize about getting excited about something? Why do you need to joke about the things that scare you or make you feel shame? I mean - we kind of all know the reasons why, but could we try not talking about the house, your cleaned-up family, and your body? Unless you're talking about the time you cleared out the living room and had a dance party with your family. I want to hear about that.
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