I'm still alive... if anyone noticed

Yea. So I jumped really far off the blog wagon. No apologies- life happened and I had to deal with it rather than the blog. Good good things. Time is now measured and sifted. The positive things that are happening: good pregnancy, healthy eating (still doing the vegan thing), CPE in session (chaplain internship) and 5 years of marriage under my belt. All very good things. The unsteadying things: time is no longer mine, sleep is inconsistent, money is tight, and I get to feeling a little overwhelmed at times.

why am I writing now? Sort of forcing myself to put on paper (screen) what is bothering me/blessing me. Gain a little perspective in the writing... show the occasional blog visitor that I did not disappear.

I am struggling to prioritize my emotions, my needs, my wants, my time, my energy, my things to do list and my motivations right now. Sleep and dull glassy eyes tend to take over.

I am attempting to do 20-30 hours a week of pastoral care to satisfy my CPE hours required. The tricky part is that I have an indeterminate amount of time before and after the baby is born - yea- I'm having a baby in the middle of my CPE unit. Because I'm crazy. The unit was shortened by a month three days prior to the unit beginning- which squished my carefully plotted schedule to a pen scratched mess on my calendar. I'm in the "every second counts" mentality while also trying to take care of myself and be present as a minister to those I am with in ministry...as the clock is ticking. I also am faced with "learning" by reading, writing, logging time and experiences- all of these things take time- extra time.

I feel a sense of responsibility to multiple parties. I feel responsible for my family's financial health- not only because I'm the one who checks the bank statements and makes sure the bills get paid, but also because I'm the one who makes it a point to check and care. My husband is no over-spender or impulse buyer (well- sometimes I might say he is- but on a level far lower than the general overspending population)... but I often wonder if he really understands just how much money we don't have. He keeps wanting to have a budget or talk about it or whatever- but we keep not having the time or space for such discussions. So in the meantime- I tell him what I know, and he has access to all the same information. I am just the only one keeping tabs on it. I both take on the responsibility willingly and get it placed on me by non-action. It's no one's fault, just a system that we haven't gotten quite straight yet.

So the finances are the foundation for unsteadiness. When you can't spring for take-out or babysitters or massages in times of stress- it makes stress that much more annoyingly present. Or harder to avoid/reduce. Making dinner is a big deal. I can't just order pizza every night. That's the other responsibility. I make meal plans, I do the groceries and I make the meals. Jason offers to help- but when the rubber hits the road, with his night meetings and the extra prep it takes to make a vegan meal- Jason just can't help as much as he desires to. He also doesn't have the ever present reality of our finances facing him head on- so when the road gets tough- he calls for take out. I fall into this trap a handful of times because I'm pregnant, tired, and hungry. This ultimately makes me feel guilty about falling into it, not making the dinner, and worried about finances.

grr.

Then there is this whole mess about a baby. That's a huge responsibility that I haven't even come to terms with! There is something I've learned about baby #2 (and I'm guessing it continues if you have more)..... nobody really gives a shit. I'm serious! They are happy you're having a baby. They support you with kind cards (if you're lucky) and maybe a weekend babysitter to get the room ready. But there's no baby shower- because supposedly you have everything you need (luckily we have most of what we need bc baby #2 happens to be a boy). There's no restaurant gift card or check or gift card to Target. Don't misunderstand- we were SPOILED with the arrival of Hunter- and we still have a few odd dollars on some of those gift cards to spend. The fact I'm pointing out is the absolute contrast. And if there was ever a time we could use a gift card or a check- it's now when we need to pay for 2 kids instead of one! So yea- I'm feeling the financial strain of preparing for the second child, and even more so- the time constraint. The nursery is "done" but needs a good solid spring cleaning (oh and moving out of all of Hunter's things and moving in of cleaned and found baby items long stored in the attic).... and we need to prepare Hunter's room (and buy stuff for it)... and then have him sleep in it without a problem. That is not going to be easy. We are transitioning a 2.5 year old to a new room, to make room for a new PERSON in his life, only to see if maybe he wouldn't mind sleeping in a big boy bed and maybe even potty training in the process. The poor kid. In the meantime- I'm pregnant. This means I don't move fast, I can't sleep that amazingly and I can't skip meals or ignore my body when it's tired. And I'm a mother. Which means I have a 2.5 year old who still very much needs me and daddy- and depends on us- and does not understand the terms "busy" or "stressed." He barely can wrap his head around the fact that he can't sit straight on my lap.

Let's talk about the baby book- not started. The wedding album- pictures not printed. The old letters found in Grandmother's office- not copied and organized. Let's talk about the laundry room- junk to be pitched and/or sold. The taxes- not filed. The house- hazardously dirty. It's one thing to say to someone- oh let these things go- in the end what matters is XYZ, not the clean house and a home cooked meal. That's all fine and good- but someday somebody needs to clean the damn house and make dinner- in fact- if you aren't rich- this should happen fairly regularly. I'm not talking spotless- that waved goodbye to me a loong time ago. I'm talking livable. SO yea- it has to be done.

Let's talk about my career. I'm in the middle of discerning what I want to do with the rest of my life. I finally feel like I'm getting a handle on it- but it seems like the worse timing ever. I'm happier since I've started the path towards chaplaincy- but the doubt and fear keep trickling in. Do I really want to work full time in a residency when I have a 4 month old? This is the glaring question for me right now- and there are a hundred voices answering it. My feminist says- damn right I do- it's the best opportunity in a location that would help me grow and be in the field I want to be in. The mother in me (my own mothering voice and an echo of my mother's voice) says- how can I bear to miss all this time with my infant child? Do I really want to pump breastmilk at work every 3 hours? How will I have the energy to put towards a career and a new child (much less 2 kids)- who will never be able to promise me a full night's rest? The minister in me that keeps being put on hold says- when will I do it if not now? Can I trust myself to continue on the path towards God's call? What does God want me to do? When does God want me to do? The fearful part of me asks- will I fall into depression with no purpose or fall into chaos with no rest? How will I manage the different roles and needs and wants? Will I fail?

Then there is just me- wanting a garden. Wanting a family vacation. Wanting a purpose and call. Wanting time with my baby and time away. Wanting it all and wondering if it was or will ever be possible to find balance. This is a struggle I believe many women face and try to answer in different ways- do any of us "succeed?"