I preached on Mother's Day at my husband's church- I thought I'd share the scripture and my sermon.
John 15:9-17
As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you; abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love. I have said these things to you so that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be complete. "This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. No one has greater love than this, to lay down one's life for one's friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. I do not call you servants any longer, because the servant does not know what the master is doing; but I have called you friends, because I have made known to you everything that I have heard from my Father. You did not choose me but I chose you. And I appointed you to go and bear fruit, fruit that will last, so that the Father will give you whatever you ask him in my name. I am giving you these commands so that you may love one another.
Psalm 98
O sing to the LORD a new song, for he has done marvelous things. His right hand and his holy arm have gotten him victory. The LORD has made known his victory; he has revealed his vindication in the sight of the nations. He has remembered his steadfast love and faithfulness to the house of Israel. All the ends of the earth have seen the victory of our God. Make a joyful noise to the LORD, all the earth; break forth into joyous song and sing praises. Sing praises to the LORD with the lyre, with the lyre and the sound of melody. With trumpets and the sound of the horn make a joyful noise before the King, the LORD. Let the sea roar, and all that fills it; the world and those who live in it.
Let the floods clap their hands; let the hills sing together for joy at the presence of the LORD, for he is coming to judge the earth. He will judge the world with righteousness, and the peoples with equity.
Graceful Last Words
This is likely the last time I will preach here at this church as Jason and I prepare to move in June to a new church community. I have thought many times about what I would like to say to this community, a way of expressing my deepest gratitude for the community of love that this church has been for us. I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to express it all. I have been in this season of transitions, grieving, celebrating, closing and planning. It was only appropriate when I looked at the scriptures for this Sunday that they would contain the joyous Psalm of praise and some of Jesus’ parting words to his disciples. I find myself standing here in front of this community of faith- wanting to say something profound and new... but these scripture passages tell me that the good news, the message, the gospel to be proclaimed is the same. Jesus’ command is: Love one another as I have loved you.
I was talking to a friend from seminary about this scripture and we sort of laughed about how this simple, central piece of what God is asking of humanity is so hard. We really struggle to love one another, don’t we? We struggle even to love ourselves. We compete, judge, isolate, condemn, fight, frustrate and just outright ignore one another.
Many controversial topics have hit the news nerve in this politically tense season. If you want to feel horrific about humanity- just read the comments section of any online news article. ANY. Guaranteed there is someone attacking someone else. The inability for people to walk even a few steps in another’s shoes is heartbreaking. It makes me wonder sometimes if the earth will crack open and swallow all of us with the hate and bile that gets so casually thrown around. But guess what- we all do this. I do this. I judge. I talk about being open and honest and fair and all this junk but when I see some Mom walk in the preschool with her work-out clothes and perky personality- I jump right down her throat. In my mind of course. I think- she must be on drugs to be so happy in the morning and now she gets to go work out?! Alone?! She probably has no IDEA how lucky she is! Good Lord I judge. And I know better. We all do. But we do it! WHY?
I judged the Mom because I judge myself. She is something that I am not. She is something that challenges what I am and what I wish I could be. Her very existence makes me question my own goodness, because I can’t seem to be as perky in the morning. Never was a morning person. So instead of accepting her sunny morning disposition and accepting my more subtle and coffee-driven morning personality- I judge her. So I can feel better about my own downfalls. It’s ridiculous! I refuse to offer myself grace and as a result I am quick to snatch grace from someone else. Why do you judge people? Maybe you are like I seem to be- riddled with insecurities and stingy with grace for yourself first and others as a result. Maybe you judge people because you do things well and can’t imagine why other people struggle to keep it together? If you can do it- why can’t they? You don’t *need* grace, so why should anyone else need it? Maybe you judge people because you were taught that they were less than you? You are God’s chosen one, but they certainly are not. Maybe you’re even grumpier in the morning than I am! I don’t know why we do what we do- the fact is that we all do it.
We judge one another - and yet we can’t live without each other.
As humans, we are particularly crafted with the capacity and craving for connection. We need to connect. Soul to soul. If you have no one to share with about your day - chances are you are hurting. It is astounding how many people are deeply lonely. Loneliness is not created by an absence of people or solved with a presence of friends. Loneliness is the result of a life that lacks connection. I think all of us experience loneliness at some point for different reasons. All of us know the experience of feeling odd, outcast and alone. We crave a kindred spirit. This deep desire to relate with one another is powerfully human and divinely charged. It is what I believe produces the best and worst sides of humanity. In our effort to find connection, we band together over common beliefs, common goals, common values. This can be a beautiful thing. During times of chaos and disaster- people who never spoke to each other or had anything in common are bonded by the goal of survival and the will to overcome. On the other side of the coin is when we become so infatuated with what binds us that we reject and ridicule those who disagree or flat out don’t understand. We reject the un-enlightened. We reject the political view that opposes ours. We reject the parents that discipline differently. We do worse than this- we move beyond rejecting the ideas to attacking the person for their opposing stance. We forget that the substance of real and authentic connection -what we’re going for- is a love that does not depend on an idea or policy or viewpoint. We forget that we don’t need our principles as much as we need each other. We lose sight of the very thing we are craving: to love one another as God loves us. We create a community of self-rightness and sacrifice a chance at a community of grace.
How can we begin to be a community of grace? Both of the scripture readings we read today assume a community of faith. A grouping of loved ones. The Psalmist is writing with a nation of God’s chosen children in mind. The gospel text is a man’s documentation of Christ’s parting words to his dearest friends. God has purposely created a universe that functions on the hinges of relationship. We live in God’s galaxy of connectedness. Every living thing has need for another, none can survive alone. My 3 year old son Hunter came home from preschool with a tree to be planted. I asked him what it was for and he said repeatedly: it’s a TINY tree. We have to PLANT it! He had honed in on the need for us to put this little plant in the ground and water it and watch it grow. But we know that these little plants grow to become larger than ourselves, providing the very air we breathe. We are all connected. I was thinking about the creation story and wondered if the big sin of Adam and Eve was not the act of eating the fruit of the forbidden tree, but rather the pointed fingers to the only mate they had, and worse yet, hiding from God. Our greatest sin is not believing the wrong things or doing the wrong things, but hiding from one another and God. We create a community of grace by dropping the title of judge and standing before one another and God as we are.
In the psalm text you hear the voice of a poet calling on the community to praise God- use your voices, your instruments, even the earth will join in the song. For “God will judge the world with righteousness, and the peoples with equity.” Praise be to God! The message I found in this scripture passages is that God has taken the Judge role from our tightly clenched hands and filled the courts with grace. Overflowing, to the brim, ridiculous grace. God has made love the central theme. Forgiveness the byproducts. Grace the norm. And we can join this grace party anytime or we can live a life of pestilence and feel rotten about ourselves and everyone around us. I really really want to go to the grace party. God has told us time and again, you do not need to hide from me, I love you. And if we do not need to hide from God- than we should not hide from each other, especially not from behind a pointed finger.
This is good news for a community like us. For a grouping of people who judge. We have the freedom to let that judgment go, to accept God’s unconditional agape love for all of us. In the scripture from the gospel of John, every time love is mentioned- it is agape love. Agape love is the real deal. This is no warm feeling in your heart. It is rock solid- not just being kind- but loving every nook and cranny of our being- whole-heartedly- without reservation and with pleasure! Can we accept that God really, REALLY does love us that much? Can we embrace that and then move forward- trying to live out the command to love others in the same way?
I keep hearing this refrain in my head: “grace, grace, God’s grace. Grace that is greater than all my sin.” This is what we lack. We don’t believe that God’s grace really covers our struggle to get out of bed in the morning. We think God is annoyed with us. Does God really love that fat roll? Doesn’t God know that we could have a better attitude? Isn’t God ashamed of us when we make mistakes? We don’t believe that God’s love is really greater than all our sin. We look for the punishment, cower under our own judgment and attack others and hope that no one sees us for who we really are. Because then the love will leave. The grace will deflate. We believe that grace and love are fragile feelings and will run away from the thorns of our realities. I’m here to say that I believe, though I struggle to practice... that grace is not fragile or weak. Love - agape - unconditional- lay down your life- love- is not *struggling* to like us- it delights to envelope us. Every day. We struggle to believe it. We struggle to embrace it. But it is there. God is there. God is not a small person dispensing portions of love to the deserving. God *is* love. And God- love- is everywhere, all encompassing, always present, never leaving, unconditional and available.
If you have a hard time with religion... If you have a hard time with all the controversial topics swarming the news feed... If you judge others and save the worse judgment for yourself... If you just want to know how to get through today... I want to focus it down to just this: Jesus said: love one another as I have loved you. Just let that be the word that sits in your heart each day. Love one another as Christ has loved you. Join the grace party- God’s unconditional love means that we are ALL invited to the party. Join the party and find a way to connect with one another in grace. God’s grace. Grace that is greater than everything. Grace that allows us to connect, not to hide. Grace that leads us to love and frees us to feel loved. Amen.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Third Generation Revolutionary
I started writing this blog a week ago- so the details are a little behind and it's a little jumbled....
I am back from a ridiculously silly feat of traveling with two children, by myself, to Nashville and Birmingham and back again. Not surprisingly, I became ridiculously silly sick on the final day of travel and needed my loving husband to drive the 2 hours to Harrisonburg (where I crashed at my brother and sister-in- law's) to get our children. Because I couldn't sit up straight. I may tell that story another time, but for now- know that I have been burdened with hours of travel time to think. I should say privileged, because I LOVE thinking time. But it is making me a little crazy in the head. I haven't had this much time to think in years. Years. I get into trouble when I think. It's what makes me me....but it's the me that doesn't fit in with the rest of the world.
SO I blog. This blog actually comes from a culmination of my alone-thought-time and a conversation I had with my husband the other night (who is, by the way, getting over being ridiculously silly sick. Of course.). I was feeling overwhelmed with the whole we're moving, we're parenting, we're sick, there are strange folks in and out of my house to remodel the parsonage bathrooms (because now is an awesome time for that). Jason and I were talking a little about what we wanted to get done. I was talking about my travels and witnessing the different ways my friends function in their marriages and as women in the world. No one is alike. Not even a little. Then we started talking about the social expectations and realities of women and men and their roles- in and out of the family context, but mostly in the context of a family with children. Let me define society as the voices of the mass. The comments people, the news people, the advertising slogans, the facebook posts, the Mom's group, the church coffee hour conversations, etc.
I hit on a thought that I want to share. I believe that women have an abnormal amount of varied expectations placed upon them. We not only have expectations on what we should *do* (as men do), but we have an added element of expectations on how we should *feel* about it. I don't see this emotional expectation on men, if nothing, we expect men to be fairly stoic. So men with extra emotion are really abnormalities in the eyes of society. This overwhelming and varied societal expectation is a result of the double-edged sword that is women making progress in this world. Don't misread me, I think women should indeed progress and I am scared of the backlash against women's rights and basic needs in current political maneuvers. However, looking at the big picture, I think women are dealing the results of chaotic transition. We are not yet released from the past and yet we are encouraged, even pushed and shoved, to grab hold of the opportunities that have been "won" for us through revolution. We have inherited the expectations of the 50s housewife, with the added bonus of the "new and improved" business Barbie. Plus men still can't have babies.
Women are expected to have it all AND love it. We have progressed, fought for our rights and have our feet firmly planted in the new century. So we can have careers! But we should also have children! If you're not married and over 30- you are a freak of nature (why, we're not sure, but you should at least be miserable to be in your state- as you probably are if you listen to society). If you're a lesbian- maybe at least they'll leave you alone? Probably not- I can't even imagine the messed up societal expectations that you tackle. Women with children: those careers better be worth it- and we better love the ever-loving bejeebus out of our jobs. And make a ton of cash. Even when equal pay and rights legislation are being knocked down. Because if we don't make money and love our job- then we should stay home with the kids, or get a better job so we can afford an awesome nanny (and be judged by all those who can't or stay at home with their kids). Here's the honest truth- I believe this. I don't- but I do. I didn't have a job that paid enough or was out of this world fantastic every loving day. With children, you don't have the luxury of having crappy jobs to fund your search for your calling. As a woman, the responsibility of childcare is, by society standards, on you. In a logical world, it really did make sense for me to stay home. I'm not denying that decision and its authenticity- I still stand by it. But man, were my expectations for the job high. When people ask me what I do, I say sheepishly- I stay home with the kids. Not because I believe that to be a sheepish thing- but because the mantra "You can do anything!" is ringing behind my ears with a panorama of my undergraduate and graduate diplomas- mocking me in their seeming futility. I feel guilty for not using them. Guilty for wanting to use them. Mixed Expectations. You better use that education. Don't you appreciate that your husband's career allows you to stay at home?
We are also expected to love every minute of parenting. Get high off the cuteness of our children. Whether you are spending 6 hours or 24 hours with them. If you are a good mother- you post things on facebook like: "how could my kids be any cuter?" And if you think I'm judging- don't worry- I have posted such things, and I do tend to think my kids are the most adorable hunks of babies on the planet. But I don't think this all the time. And if I posted about selling my child on the black market, I will instantly get responses like: "oh no, never, I will buy him- I LOVE him!" Most moms get it- kids aren't always sugar and sunshine. But we have a hard time admitting that it can be hard on us. So- women- have a career- love it, but not as much as you love your kids- in fact- it would be good if you lamented how you wish you could stay home with your kids. Have kids- love every minute of raising them, bask in the 3 am moon glow. Especially if you work- you better cherish every second you see that child since you leave them daily.
But use that degree. It's really very confusing to be what I like to call a "Third Generation Revolutionary." We are daughters of the revolution- our Grandparents conformed to the gender roles and division of labor along gender lines- but our Grandmothers were not stupid. A lot of them worked before kids and maybe after. They treated their jobs at home with respect and gained respect for them- they knew how to do stuff: garden, sew, cook, childhood psychology. A lot of them instilled some of the independence in our mother's hearts that caused the revolution of gender. Our parents struggled, mostly playing the gender roles along divided lines but then many of our mothers embraced careers after children. I know multiple women in my parents' generation who went back to school, started careers and are now the primary workers in the family, with the man retired. This generation has a tinge of bitterness. I've heard it, seen it. They raised the kids and now they are at the bottom of the totem pole in their newfound calling. They finally are doing a job they love but they are tired. They see men like my husband who are active in their kids' lives and pick up a broom to help. They wonder if they should've asked for more help. They tell us- my generation- I would never take back the time I had with my kids- but man I wish I had started looking for my calling a little earlier. So my generation thinks we can have it all. We can't. But we think we can. Mixed Expectations.
Women are expected to marry. I grew up with Disney movies- loved them. One of my favorite movies was Beauty and the Beast, it came out in 1991- I was 10- prime princess time. I SO related to Belle. She was book smart, not impressed by the machismo of the local Gaston with his inflated head. She wanted to run in the field and read books all day. She wanted adventure. She wanted MORE than this... provencial life. You can feel the fire in the passion of freedom and independence. The hope for more. The OK that you are the weird book girl. But here's where Beauty and the Beast confuses the shit out of girls like me. She's drop-dead gorgeous. And everyone is sort of obsessed with her. Of course she's got options- she's kind of the unwitting queen of the town. She doesn't like her village's options- but her village is allowing her beauty to overcome her bookiness. The story goes that she searches for her father who has been captured by an ornery beast-cursed-prince. She sees the good in the beast and eventually falls in love with him and her love changes him and he becomes a better person and then she kisses him. He turns into a hunk of a prince and she gets to live her adventure happily ever after with a prince who has baggage and lives walking distance from her village. But damn, she has a fantastic library provided for her. I love this story- and it really is a classic story. But wow. How confusing to my 10 year old self. My great adventure would be to find the right man, in beast form, change him by my stunning beauty and love, and magically get a prince. I did happen to find the best man on the planet- but I got super duper duper lucky. I married WAY better than the beast- and I didn't have to change him- we sharpen each other. My 10 year old self got robbed thinking that the beast could be my adventure. Be a smart girl, but change a man to be suitable for you... Mixed Expectations.
I would bet that women on average feel more responsibility for the appearance of the home, from decor to cleanliness. It certainly isn't a far shot for me to assume that based on almost every conversation (harmless or not) that I have had about decorating or cleanliness- always a female in the center of the story-line. Even when someone is trying to make me feel better.... "Oh yes, pastor so-and-so's wife was great, she had kids so she didn't even fool with keeping a spotless house, but she had a trick where she put a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room so that any time someone from the church would stop in, they thought she was in the middle of cleaning!" This is a true story- or at least it is true that this story was told to me. The intent was of course kind and I appreciated it, but there is alive and well a pervasive assumption that the house is the woman's responsibility. Men may now "help," but how many cleaning supply commercials have you seen with a man as the central cleaning person? We are also supposed to love decorating (which some of us do) and be efficient and methodical about our cleaning (which I am certainly not).
I feel this burden. Jason is no slack man- he does A LOT around the house. And here's the kicker- because we are progressive and sharing kind of people- we BOTH feel the burden of the home. In this case it kind of makes sense why the typical 50s roles worked to an extent. Man works and brings home bacon. Woman cleans and raises children. Men bond over work issues. Women bond over home issues. In a kind marriage, man and woman have things to talk about and share and care about the other person's problems. But they are just that - the other person's problem. Woman doesn't have to fuss with the big presentation worries. Man doesn't have to worry about which discipline method to use. Both bow to the other in their realm of influence. The problem with this situation is that not every woman wants to worry about the house and discipline issues for their entire existence. And the labor of being a housewife/mom is on average more burdensome than the labor of a working man. Not every man wants the pressure of primary breadwinner on their shoulders.
I do think that is the expectation society has for men. Have a good job. Period. It's why so many men fall apart when they lose their job or retire. They lose their ability to fulfill their obligation to society and family. What the hell else are they good for? You get brownie points for being a good Dad and helping out at home- but you have one job. Men are defined by their vocation and often even by their salary.
So women are expected to have, do, and be it all- and LOVE it. Women are to be bleeding nurses. Men are expected to work and provide, period. Men are to be functional robots who have evolved to have empathy. The lines have been favorably blurred through progress, but now there is a state of confusion. We are living in the transition of "not there yet." Some long for the comfort and security of the old rules. Some want to strip all expectations and are afraid to do anything traditional- even marriage and children are threats. Then there are the rest of us third generation revolutionaries who are stuck in the middle. Trying to please all corners of our brain- the history of expectations taught to us. We do this in a grace-void world.
It is hard. I want to fast forward through this transition in history- but I don't think we'll ever be done growing. I know that the only thing that can help us all: men and women- in these times of confusion- is to grab a handful of grace. Hoard it. Stash it in corners. Give it away as party favors. It is sorely needed.
I am back from a ridiculously silly feat of traveling with two children, by myself, to Nashville and Birmingham and back again. Not surprisingly, I became ridiculously silly sick on the final day of travel and needed my loving husband to drive the 2 hours to Harrisonburg (where I crashed at my brother and sister-in- law's) to get our children. Because I couldn't sit up straight. I may tell that story another time, but for now- know that I have been burdened with hours of travel time to think. I should say privileged, because I LOVE thinking time. But it is making me a little crazy in the head. I haven't had this much time to think in years. Years. I get into trouble when I think. It's what makes me me....but it's the me that doesn't fit in with the rest of the world.
SO I blog. This blog actually comes from a culmination of my alone-thought-time and a conversation I had with my husband the other night (who is, by the way, getting over being ridiculously silly sick. Of course.). I was feeling overwhelmed with the whole we're moving, we're parenting, we're sick, there are strange folks in and out of my house to remodel the parsonage bathrooms (because now is an awesome time for that). Jason and I were talking a little about what we wanted to get done. I was talking about my travels and witnessing the different ways my friends function in their marriages and as women in the world. No one is alike. Not even a little. Then we started talking about the social expectations and realities of women and men and their roles- in and out of the family context, but mostly in the context of a family with children. Let me define society as the voices of the mass. The comments people, the news people, the advertising slogans, the facebook posts, the Mom's group, the church coffee hour conversations, etc.
I hit on a thought that I want to share. I believe that women have an abnormal amount of varied expectations placed upon them. We not only have expectations on what we should *do* (as men do), but we have an added element of expectations on how we should *feel* about it. I don't see this emotional expectation on men, if nothing, we expect men to be fairly stoic. So men with extra emotion are really abnormalities in the eyes of society. This overwhelming and varied societal expectation is a result of the double-edged sword that is women making progress in this world. Don't misread me, I think women should indeed progress and I am scared of the backlash against women's rights and basic needs in current political maneuvers. However, looking at the big picture, I think women are dealing the results of chaotic transition. We are not yet released from the past and yet we are encouraged, even pushed and shoved, to grab hold of the opportunities that have been "won" for us through revolution. We have inherited the expectations of the 50s housewife, with the added bonus of the "new and improved" business Barbie. Plus men still can't have babies.
Women are expected to have it all AND love it. We have progressed, fought for our rights and have our feet firmly planted in the new century. So we can have careers! But we should also have children! If you're not married and over 30- you are a freak of nature (why, we're not sure, but you should at least be miserable to be in your state- as you probably are if you listen to society). If you're a lesbian- maybe at least they'll leave you alone? Probably not- I can't even imagine the messed up societal expectations that you tackle. Women with children: those careers better be worth it- and we better love the ever-loving bejeebus out of our jobs. And make a ton of cash. Even when equal pay and rights legislation are being knocked down. Because if we don't make money and love our job- then we should stay home with the kids, or get a better job so we can afford an awesome nanny (and be judged by all those who can't or stay at home with their kids). Here's the honest truth- I believe this. I don't- but I do. I didn't have a job that paid enough or was out of this world fantastic every loving day. With children, you don't have the luxury of having crappy jobs to fund your search for your calling. As a woman, the responsibility of childcare is, by society standards, on you. In a logical world, it really did make sense for me to stay home. I'm not denying that decision and its authenticity- I still stand by it. But man, were my expectations for the job high. When people ask me what I do, I say sheepishly- I stay home with the kids. Not because I believe that to be a sheepish thing- but because the mantra "You can do anything!" is ringing behind my ears with a panorama of my undergraduate and graduate diplomas- mocking me in their seeming futility. I feel guilty for not using them. Guilty for wanting to use them. Mixed Expectations. You better use that education. Don't you appreciate that your husband's career allows you to stay at home?
We are also expected to love every minute of parenting. Get high off the cuteness of our children. Whether you are spending 6 hours or 24 hours with them. If you are a good mother- you post things on facebook like: "how could my kids be any cuter?" And if you think I'm judging- don't worry- I have posted such things, and I do tend to think my kids are the most adorable hunks of babies on the planet. But I don't think this all the time. And if I posted about selling my child on the black market, I will instantly get responses like: "oh no, never, I will buy him- I LOVE him!" Most moms get it- kids aren't always sugar and sunshine. But we have a hard time admitting that it can be hard on us. So- women- have a career- love it, but not as much as you love your kids- in fact- it would be good if you lamented how you wish you could stay home with your kids. Have kids- love every minute of raising them, bask in the 3 am moon glow. Especially if you work- you better cherish every second you see that child since you leave them daily.
But use that degree. It's really very confusing to be what I like to call a "Third Generation Revolutionary." We are daughters of the revolution- our Grandparents conformed to the gender roles and division of labor along gender lines- but our Grandmothers were not stupid. A lot of them worked before kids and maybe after. They treated their jobs at home with respect and gained respect for them- they knew how to do stuff: garden, sew, cook, childhood psychology. A lot of them instilled some of the independence in our mother's hearts that caused the revolution of gender. Our parents struggled, mostly playing the gender roles along divided lines but then many of our mothers embraced careers after children. I know multiple women in my parents' generation who went back to school, started careers and are now the primary workers in the family, with the man retired. This generation has a tinge of bitterness. I've heard it, seen it. They raised the kids and now they are at the bottom of the totem pole in their newfound calling. They finally are doing a job they love but they are tired. They see men like my husband who are active in their kids' lives and pick up a broom to help. They wonder if they should've asked for more help. They tell us- my generation- I would never take back the time I had with my kids- but man I wish I had started looking for my calling a little earlier. So my generation thinks we can have it all. We can't. But we think we can. Mixed Expectations.
Women are expected to marry. I grew up with Disney movies- loved them. One of my favorite movies was Beauty and the Beast, it came out in 1991- I was 10- prime princess time. I SO related to Belle. She was book smart, not impressed by the machismo of the local Gaston with his inflated head. She wanted to run in the field and read books all day. She wanted adventure. She wanted MORE than this... provencial life. You can feel the fire in the passion of freedom and independence. The hope for more. The OK that you are the weird book girl. But here's where Beauty and the Beast confuses the shit out of girls like me. She's drop-dead gorgeous. And everyone is sort of obsessed with her. Of course she's got options- she's kind of the unwitting queen of the town. She doesn't like her village's options- but her village is allowing her beauty to overcome her bookiness. The story goes that she searches for her father who has been captured by an ornery beast-cursed-prince. She sees the good in the beast and eventually falls in love with him and her love changes him and he becomes a better person and then she kisses him. He turns into a hunk of a prince and she gets to live her adventure happily ever after with a prince who has baggage and lives walking distance from her village. But damn, she has a fantastic library provided for her. I love this story- and it really is a classic story. But wow. How confusing to my 10 year old self. My great adventure would be to find the right man, in beast form, change him by my stunning beauty and love, and magically get a prince. I did happen to find the best man on the planet- but I got super duper duper lucky. I married WAY better than the beast- and I didn't have to change him- we sharpen each other. My 10 year old self got robbed thinking that the beast could be my adventure. Be a smart girl, but change a man to be suitable for you... Mixed Expectations.
I would bet that women on average feel more responsibility for the appearance of the home, from decor to cleanliness. It certainly isn't a far shot for me to assume that based on almost every conversation (harmless or not) that I have had about decorating or cleanliness- always a female in the center of the story-line. Even when someone is trying to make me feel better.... "Oh yes, pastor so-and-so's wife was great, she had kids so she didn't even fool with keeping a spotless house, but she had a trick where she put a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room so that any time someone from the church would stop in, they thought she was in the middle of cleaning!" This is a true story- or at least it is true that this story was told to me. The intent was of course kind and I appreciated it, but there is alive and well a pervasive assumption that the house is the woman's responsibility. Men may now "help," but how many cleaning supply commercials have you seen with a man as the central cleaning person? We are also supposed to love decorating (which some of us do) and be efficient and methodical about our cleaning (which I am certainly not).
I feel this burden. Jason is no slack man- he does A LOT around the house. And here's the kicker- because we are progressive and sharing kind of people- we BOTH feel the burden of the home. In this case it kind of makes sense why the typical 50s roles worked to an extent. Man works and brings home bacon. Woman cleans and raises children. Men bond over work issues. Women bond over home issues. In a kind marriage, man and woman have things to talk about and share and care about the other person's problems. But they are just that - the other person's problem. Woman doesn't have to fuss with the big presentation worries. Man doesn't have to worry about which discipline method to use. Both bow to the other in their realm of influence. The problem with this situation is that not every woman wants to worry about the house and discipline issues for their entire existence. And the labor of being a housewife/mom is on average more burdensome than the labor of a working man. Not every man wants the pressure of primary breadwinner on their shoulders.
I do think that is the expectation society has for men. Have a good job. Period. It's why so many men fall apart when they lose their job or retire. They lose their ability to fulfill their obligation to society and family. What the hell else are they good for? You get brownie points for being a good Dad and helping out at home- but you have one job. Men are defined by their vocation and often even by their salary.
So women are expected to have, do, and be it all- and LOVE it. Women are to be bleeding nurses. Men are expected to work and provide, period. Men are to be functional robots who have evolved to have empathy. The lines have been favorably blurred through progress, but now there is a state of confusion. We are living in the transition of "not there yet." Some long for the comfort and security of the old rules. Some want to strip all expectations and are afraid to do anything traditional- even marriage and children are threats. Then there are the rest of us third generation revolutionaries who are stuck in the middle. Trying to please all corners of our brain- the history of expectations taught to us. We do this in a grace-void world.
It is hard. I want to fast forward through this transition in history- but I don't think we'll ever be done growing. I know that the only thing that can help us all: men and women- in these times of confusion- is to grab a handful of grace. Hoard it. Stash it in corners. Give it away as party favors. It is sorely needed.
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