Third Generation Revolutionary

I started writing this blog a week ago- so the details are a little behind and it's a little jumbled....

I am back from a ridiculously silly feat of traveling with two children, by myself, to Nashville and Birmingham and back again. Not surprisingly, I became ridiculously silly sick on the final day of travel and needed my loving husband to drive the 2 hours to Harrisonburg (where I crashed at my brother and sister-in- law's) to get our children. Because I couldn't sit up straight. I may tell that story another time, but for now- know that I have been burdened with hours of travel time to think. I should say privileged, because I LOVE thinking time. But it is making me a little crazy in the head. I haven't had this much time to think in years. Years. I get into trouble when I think. It's what makes me me....but it's the me that doesn't fit in with the rest of the world.

SO I blog. This blog actually comes from a culmination of my alone-thought-time and a conversation I had with my husband the other night (who is, by the way, getting over being ridiculously silly sick. Of course.). I was feeling overwhelmed with the whole we're moving, we're parenting, we're sick, there are strange folks in and out of my house to remodel the parsonage bathrooms (because now is an awesome time for that). Jason and I were talking a little about what we wanted to get done. I was talking about my travels and witnessing the different ways my friends function in their marriages and as women in the world. No one is alike. Not even a little. Then we started talking about the social expectations and realities of women and men and their roles- in and out of the family context, but mostly in the context of a family with children. Let me define society as the voices of the mass. The comments people, the news people, the advertising slogans, the facebook posts, the Mom's group, the church coffee hour conversations, etc.

I hit on a thought that I want to share. I believe that women have an abnormal amount of varied expectations placed upon them. We not only have expectations on what we should *do* (as men do), but we have an added element of expectations on how we should *feel* about it. I don't see this emotional expectation on men, if nothing, we expect men to be fairly stoic. So men with extra emotion are really abnormalities in the eyes of society. This overwhelming and varied societal expectation is a result of the double-edged sword that is women making progress in this world. Don't misread me, I think women should indeed progress and I am scared of the backlash against women's rights and basic needs in current political maneuvers. However, looking at the big picture, I think women are dealing the results of chaotic transition. We are not yet released from the past and yet we are encouraged, even pushed and shoved, to grab hold of the opportunities that have been "won" for us through revolution. We have inherited the expectations of the 50s housewife, with the added bonus of the "new and improved" business Barbie. Plus men still can't have babies.

Women are expected to have it all AND love it. We have progressed, fought for our rights and have our feet firmly planted in the new century. So we can have careers! But we should also have children! If you're not married and over 30- you are a freak of nature (why, we're not sure, but you should at least be miserable to be in your state- as you probably are if you listen to society). If you're a lesbian- maybe at least they'll leave you alone? Probably not- I can't even imagine the messed up societal expectations that you tackle. Women with children: those careers better be worth it- and we better love the ever-loving bejeebus out of our jobs. And make a ton of cash. Even when equal pay and rights legislation are being knocked down. Because if we don't make money and love our job- then we should stay home with the kids, or get a better job so we can afford an awesome nanny (and be judged by all those who can't or stay at home with their kids). Here's the honest truth- I believe this. I don't- but I do. I didn't have a job that paid enough or was out of this world fantastic every loving day. With children, you don't have the luxury of having crappy jobs to fund your search for your calling. As a woman, the responsibility of childcare is, by society standards, on you. In a logical world, it really did make sense for me to stay home. I'm not denying that decision and its authenticity- I still stand by it. But man, were my expectations for the job high. When people ask me what I do, I say sheepishly- I stay home with the kids. Not because I believe that to be a sheepish thing- but because the mantra "You can do anything!" is ringing behind my ears with a panorama of my undergraduate and graduate diplomas- mocking me in their seeming futility. I feel guilty for not using them. Guilty for wanting to use them. Mixed Expectations. You better use that education. Don't you appreciate that your husband's career allows you to stay at home?

We are also expected to love every minute of parenting. Get high off the cuteness of our children. Whether you are spending 6 hours or 24 hours with them. If you are a good mother- you post things on facebook like: "how could my kids be any cuter?" And if you think I'm judging- don't worry- I have posted such things, and I do tend to think my kids are the most adorable hunks of babies on the planet. But I don't think this all the time. And if I posted about selling my child on the black market, I will instantly get responses like: "oh no, never, I will buy him- I LOVE him!" Most moms get it- kids aren't always sugar and sunshine. But we have a hard time admitting that it can be hard on us. So- women- have a career- love it, but not as much as you love your kids- in fact- it would be good if you lamented how you wish you could stay home with your kids. Have kids- love every minute of raising them, bask in the 3 am moon glow. Especially if you work- you better cherish every second you see that child since you leave them daily.

But use that degree. It's really very confusing to be what I like to call a "Third Generation Revolutionary." We are daughters of the revolution- our Grandparents conformed to the gender roles and division of labor along gender lines- but our Grandmothers were not stupid. A lot of them worked before kids and maybe after. They treated their jobs at home with respect and gained respect for them- they knew how to do stuff: garden, sew, cook, childhood psychology. A lot of them instilled some of the independence in our mother's hearts that caused the revolution of gender. Our parents struggled, mostly playing the gender roles along divided lines but then many of our mothers embraced careers after children. I know multiple women in my parents' generation who went back to school, started careers and are now the primary workers in the family, with the man retired. This generation has a tinge of bitterness. I've heard it, seen it. They raised the kids and now they are at the bottom of the totem pole in their newfound calling. They finally are doing a job they love but they are tired. They see men like my husband who are active in their kids' lives and pick up a broom to help. They wonder if they should've asked for more help. They tell us- my generation- I would never take back the time I had with my kids- but man I wish I had started looking for my calling a little earlier. So my generation thinks we can have it all. We can't. But we think we can. Mixed Expectations.

Women are expected to marry. I grew up with Disney movies- loved them. One of my favorite movies was Beauty and the Beast, it came out in 1991- I was 10- prime princess time. I SO related to Belle. She was book smart, not impressed by the machismo of the local Gaston with his inflated head. She wanted to run in the field and read books all day. She wanted adventure. She wanted MORE than this... provencial life. You can feel the fire in the passion of freedom and independence. The hope for more. The OK that you are the weird book girl. But here's where Beauty and the Beast confuses the shit out of girls like me. She's drop-dead gorgeous. And everyone is sort of obsessed with her. Of course she's got options- she's kind of the unwitting queen of the town. She doesn't like her village's options- but her village is allowing her beauty to overcome her bookiness. The story goes that she searches for her father who has been captured by an ornery beast-cursed-prince. She sees the good in the beast and eventually falls in love with him and her love changes him and he becomes a better person and then she kisses him. He turns into a hunk of a prince and she gets to live her adventure happily ever after with a prince who has baggage and lives walking distance from her village. But damn, she has a fantastic library provided for her. I love this story- and it really is a classic story. But wow. How confusing to my 10 year old self. My great adventure would be to find the right man, in beast form, change him by my stunning beauty and love, and magically get a prince. I did happen to find the best man on the planet- but I got super duper duper lucky. I married WAY better than the beast- and I didn't have to change him- we sharpen each other. My 10 year old self got robbed thinking that the beast could be my adventure. Be a smart girl, but change a man to be suitable for you... Mixed Expectations.

I would bet that women on average feel more responsibility for the appearance of the home, from decor to cleanliness. It certainly isn't a far shot for me to assume that based on almost every conversation (harmless or not) that I have had about decorating or cleanliness- always a female in the center of the story-line. Even when someone is trying to make me feel better.... "Oh yes, pastor so-and-so's wife was great, she had kids so she didn't even fool with keeping a spotless house, but she had a trick where she put a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room so that any time someone from the church would stop in, they thought she was in the middle of cleaning!" This is a true story- or at least it is true that this story was told to me. The intent was of course kind and I appreciated it, but there is alive and well a pervasive assumption that the house is the woman's responsibility. Men may now "help," but how many cleaning supply commercials have you seen with a man as the central cleaning person? We are also supposed to love decorating (which some of us do) and be efficient and methodical about our cleaning (which I am certainly not).

I feel this burden. Jason is no slack man- he does A LOT around the house. And here's the kicker- because we are progressive and sharing kind of people- we BOTH feel the burden of the home. In this case it kind of makes sense why the typical 50s roles worked to an extent. Man works and brings home bacon. Woman cleans and raises children. Men bond over work issues. Women bond over home issues. In a kind marriage, man and woman have things to talk about and share and care about the other person's problems. But they are just that - the other person's problem. Woman doesn't have to fuss with the big presentation worries. Man doesn't have to worry about which discipline method to use. Both bow to the other in their realm of influence. The problem with this situation is that not every woman wants to worry about the house and discipline issues for their entire existence. And the labor of being a housewife/mom is on average more burdensome than the labor of a working man. Not every man wants the pressure of primary breadwinner on their shoulders.

I do think that is the expectation society has for men. Have a good job. Period. It's why so many men fall apart when they lose their job or retire. They lose their ability to fulfill their obligation to society and family. What the hell else are they good for? You get brownie points for being a good Dad and helping out at home- but you have one job. Men are defined by their vocation and often even by their salary.

So women are expected to have, do, and be it all- and LOVE it. Women are to be bleeding nurses. Men are expected to work and provide, period. Men are to be functional robots who have evolved to have empathy. The lines have been favorably blurred through progress, but now there is a state of confusion. We are living in the transition of "not there yet." Some long for the comfort and security of the old rules. Some want to strip all expectations and are afraid to do anything traditional- even marriage and children are threats. Then there are the rest of us third generation revolutionaries who are stuck in the middle. Trying to please all corners of our brain- the history of expectations taught to us. We do this in a grace-void world.

It is hard. I want to fast forward through this transition in history- but I don't think we'll ever be done growing. I know that the only thing that can help us all: men and women- in these times of confusion- is to grab a handful of grace. Hoard it. Stash it in corners. Give it away as party favors. It is sorely needed.