I've written about depression before. I've written about the descent into the black hole that is numbness and blah. But now I want to write about the lead blanket. This is what I might call slight remission. It's the feeling when you can do life, but with a good amount of extra effort.
One day you might do all the laundry and make all the beds and even work productively for a good amount of time and make a social plan. You feel good about that because it took every thing you had to do it. Then you realize that normal people do this every day and call it normal. They aren't self-congratulating or eating peppermint patties to reward themselves. They don't feel proud because that is silly.
I literally just stopped this blog and stared at things for 45 minutes. For no reason. Something inside me is telling my brain to sllllooooowww doooowwwwnnnn ssssttttoooppppppp. And then it's fuzz for a bit. I notice that I started something and go back to it, feeling weird about being so easily distracted from it, but also feeling guilty that I haven't finished it or anything else. Right now I am forcing myself to write each and every single letter and something inside me is asking me to please stop writing. Please stop focusing. Please stop doing anything and stare back at the trees or screen or cars or dogs or candy or anything else. Stop writing words. I had to fight really hard to write three sentences. You read it in five seconds, I reread it and didn't understand why it was so damn hard to write. But it was. Below is what happens when I sort of gave in to the lead blanket and wrote through the experience...
It's like having a toddler at the control station. But not a lively, happy toddler. A toddler who is having a bored temper tantrum in his sleep. Green leaves. White basketball court, silver car. What are you writing about again? Oh yeah, the fact that your pseudo depression makes you lazy and it's hard for you to focus and you can't do anything without the most effort. No one will believe you or care. Why do you care to communicate it? The sun is so warm. I wonder if I will get a sunburn. Part of me hopes I will. Remember that woman who died of skin cancer? That's the weirdest thing to remember right now. Siren. Bugs. blue car.
Siren continues.
Mother getting her kids in the car.
Dirty grill. My dog is barking. Birds chirping.
Depression is that lead blanket that makes your feet so painfully difficult to get out of your bed and onto the floor. Depression on the good days means that you made the effort to make meals. Congratulations. The only one who feels a little bit good about this is you (and now you don't anymore).
Do I need medicine? Can we afford it? I don't want the side effects. I feel fine most of the time. If I can just sit in the sun enough. The vitamins will fix me. The sun smells like my childhood. I spent a lot of time swinging under the sun as a child. No wonder I've always wanted to be able to fly. I wish I wasn't afraid of heights, a new fear to go with adulthood. Not that humans can fly anyway- the way I want to - with wings.
Children are exhausting because they move so fast, without the lead blankets. They don't understand why it is so hard for you to keep up.
Fix me sun. Fix me. Paralyzed. Slow. Low blood pressure and slow heart beat. Health? Or death?
The sun is so nice and warm. Finally.
I'm tired of writing this. Those who understand understand. Those who don't just don't. I will always be lazy. I will always have to work harder just to be normal. What I wouldn't give to feel light again.
Should I post this? Or will people start asking me too many questions or making too many suggestions or caring too much and adding so much more weight to the lead blanket?
Why do I sound so dramatic? Get over yourself.
The sun is so wonderfully warm.
Thursday, February 23, 2017
Tuesday, February 7, 2017
Dear Friend
Dear Friend,
We have known each other since we were kids, competing for best attendance in our 4th grade Sunday School classroom. I think we tied. I still have my t-shirt I won as an award, it nicely quotes one of the bible's most beautiful words to offer about love: patient, kind, keeps no record of wrong, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things. That is the foundation of our bond- the kind of friendship that has kept us connected despite our different backgrounds, different beliefs, different lives now. I know your heart is gold and that you seek goodness and grace and love in all you do. That's why you asked me these questions. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
You asked me two questions from the bottom of your heart in sincerity. These were:
1) What rights do women not have in this country that they should and that men already have?
2) What rights has Trump been directly involved in removing from women as president?
Your questions come from witnessing one of the most amazing number of people (mostly women) who marched in protest, in statement, in solidarity on one day, literally around the world. You speak specifically of Donald Trump and America, and while Donald Trump and the political climate in the United States was an effective catalyst for this march, it is only a small part of this larger movement. I think that was made evident by the marches that occurred on (I'm almost certain because some women even marched on Antarctica) every continent of the planet. You may not have seen the pictures from around the world because you probably aren't on the same social networks, but this event was so so so big. I sat at my computer looking at the millions of faces and cried and cried. I felt hope.
I am going to answer your questions the best I can, but I want to be sure to point out that this is not a final, comprehensive answer. This is a dialogue that has been happening in public or behind curtains for a very long time. The specifics change but the foundational inequality have persisted in most cultures. I also want you to know I am speaking from my own experience. I do not speak for everyone. I can only tell you my experiences, and then point to the experiences of my friends and loved ones. I also want you to know that while the march may have begun in the US and had a distinctly anti-Trump feeling (and full-disclosure: I do NOT trust Trump), that the march and the voices were so much bigger than just our country.
But you specifically asked about me, here in the US, and so I will address that. And I'm going to address it like Jesus, by asking you questions and telling you stories.
Have you ever been told that you couldn't do something because you were a man? Not shouldn't, but specifically CANNOT. I have. My story: I was called to ministry and I had people tell me that I can NOT do that. Or that I should marry a minister because that was what I was being called to (because surely God would never ask ME to be a minister). By irony of ironies, I would marry a minister, but that was not what God was talking about that night in my Freshman dorm room when I heard "be a minister." I even had a family member tell me they didn't think women should be pastors. Later, and with so much love and grace (and a surprise to me) that family member apologized. I was in shock, and honestly had been told I can't do something so much that I didn't even realize what a healing thing it would be to hear someone retract their statement.
Women do not have the right to a role model in every prestigious career.
Have you ever wondered if you were being paid less than your coworkers because you were female? I naively thought that I was excluded from this statistic (and it is a researched and clear statistic). I was hired as a hospice chaplain by women administrators, so of course my salary would be on par with my male counterparts. The other chaplain was a male, but he had been there for nearly ten years, so I didn't expect to be paid as much as he was, and I do not know his salary, but I hope he was paid more. I did, however, run into a sheet of paper that my predecessor had accidentally left in the files. He was hired in August, fired less than three months later, and I was hired to replace him for the same exact job and hours. The piece of paper that I found had his salary listed on it. His salary was $7,000 a year more than mine. We had been hired literally three months apart. I never said a word. I was just glad for a job. I stayed in that job and received rave reviews during my evaluations until I left the job because of a geographical move. $7,000 less out the gate, if I had remained in that job, that difference would have been compounded in my deficit over the years, as percentage raises would never close the gap.
Women do not have the right to equal pay in the United States.
Have you ever been in a situation where you thought you could be raped? I don't think that this is completely a male/female divide as there are definitely men and boys who have endured sexual assault. However, I doubt that you spent many walks with your cell-phone in your hand, ready to dial 911, just in case. I have. Every night-time walk from an event to my dorm on college campus, I had my phone in hand or a friend on the phone. If I saw a man walking near me, the anxiety quadrupled and I would even pretend to talk to someone on the phone as an extra barrier if I couldn't find someone. I'm not making this up, most women do this and have a scenario played out in their head of how they will get out of a bad situation. The difference, speaking specifically of the American experience, is that women are at risk for rape and sexual assault at exponentially higher rates. The reason why that is a fact is not important to this discussion. It's an interesting enough fact that your gender alone decides whether or not you will be at significant risk. The current statistic is that 1 in 5 women on college campuses are raped. That's horrendous. It's not acceptable. I don't know about you, but I can name several people off the top of my head that I know who have been raped or sexually assaulted. Two of my dearest friends were raped by family members. I feel like I am "lucky" that I have never been raped. LUCKY?! Do your guy friends share those statistics?
Women do not have the right or freedom from fear of sexual assault.
On that same topic. How many of your male friends have abusive wives? Again, it is not completely unheard of, but the statistics are still significantly stacked for women to be in abusive relationships. Not only that, but women are significantly more likely to be killed by their partner and/or spouse. I personally know a family who was affected by such a tragedy. I have another friend whose husband shot at her and was never jailed or penalized. He stalked her by straddling the line of the law just well enough that he could never be arrested. I also know women who suffer under mentally abusive husbands. Many don't even realize just how bad it is because they were taught to be congenial and accommodating. I have seen that accommodation completely shift a person's life into a nightmare. Also- while on the topic of uneven relationships, were you ever told to submit to your spouse? That your spouse should make all of the decisions? Have you ever been told that your role in life is to help your spouse? Not with the idea that you work together, but with the idea that your spouse's needs, wishes, and wants must come first in order for your family to function properly. The church we grew up in taught me that. I didn't listen, thank God.
Women do not have the right to be free from fear of domestic abuse or submission.
Has your physical appearance been the primary topic of conversation for anyone on a daily basis? As a child, a girl growing up cannot go one single day without a comment on her appearance. Hell, I even find myself compelled to tell little girls they look pretty, it's so ingrained in me. Even if it is a compliment, the focus is on how we made ourselves pleasant to look at. I'm not saying that compliments are bad, I'm saying that a lifetime of being told how my appearance affects someone does some damage to how I feel when I look in the mirror.
Women do not have the right to have their appearances be a non-issue.
Have you ever had the risk of having a baby suddenly take residence inside your body? This is fair. The task and risk and price of reproduction are shouldered primarily and predominantly by women. Men can actually choose to exit left and there would not be a single physical consequence, and very often not a financial or moral consequence either. I can't even list all of the ways women bear the burden, but I will list the ones that I struggled with, even with full consent and spousal support. When a woman gets pregnant: people feel compelled to touch them and comment on their bodies with no respect to whether or not they know the person. This is not welcomed by every woman. Healthcare for pregnancy is not guaranteed, especially if the ACA is repealed and replaced without the conditions that made women's health better protected. That starts to answer your second question, but Congress didn't need Trump to get started on that. I had/have access to birth control, which enabled me to have safe pregnancies and control the number of children that I had so that I was financially, mentally, and physically able to handle the load. I have a supportive husband who was willing to have a vasectomy so that I didn't have to remain on birth control until menopause. This has enabled me to get off of a hormonal medicine that affected my ability to fight off depression, made me gain weight, and lowered my sex drive. My life without the negative effects of birth control (or possibilities of negative effects) and without the worry of getting pregnant is a freedom that I wish on all my women counterparts all over the world who want it. When I had my first son, I took all the paid leave, sick leave, and some unpaid leave so that I didn't have to go back to work until three months after the birth. I had a successful vaginal birth with no major complications. My baby was healthy and my emotional health was average. Three months was barely enough time to recover and be ready. I worked for a church at the time, and my supervisor was put-off by my time off. My process of producing and nurturing a newborn human was inconvenient to a person who was not bleeding, leaking milk, sleeping in 1.5 hour stints, and not in control of the surge of hormones that rushed through my body as the natural part of prenatal and postpartum human pregnancy. My body was not in its regular state for nearly two years, from conception to weaning. I would not give that experience away, but I sure as hell don't think women get the support and care they need for their balance of the work they (voluntarily or not) play in the human reproductive cycle.
Specifically: women do not have access to paid maternity leave in America. This is a third-world characteristic and atrocious. All American women do not have affordable access to birth control, pre-natal, and postpartum care. If you (out of your control) have a complicated pregnancy and are under-insured, you are financially fucked. Sorry for the profanity.
Let's move to a question that is slightly less intense. When you were growing up, did you have a shortage of male role models who were strong, in control, and respected? As a girl, most media portrayals of women were couched in terms of appearance, attractiveness or accessory to a male in a love/adventure/hero/fairy tale story. Strong women who were not attractive were displayed negatively: bitchy, or at best as "butch." Have you ever heard of the Bechdel test? Here it is, in order to "pass" the test, a movie or show has to have (1) at least two women in it, (2) who talk to each other (3) about something besides a man. Seems really silly easy, right? Start applying this test to tv shows and movies that you have watched and enjoyed. It's a little crazy how many don't pass. So the top 10 grossing movies when we were growing up- let's just narrow it to the 90s:
Titanic (1997) - one main woman, focused on the man- fails the test.
Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999) - two women, they never interact.
Jurassic Park - only one woman
Forrest Gump (1994) - two women, but they never interact
The Lion King (1994) (tie) two women (one a child), but they never interact
Independence Day (1996) - barely passes. One conversation occurs between two women.
The Sixth Sense (1999) - two female characters, never interact.
Home Alone (1990) - debated, but not passed. Only conversation between two females is a woman and child about a head count of kids on the van, otherwise- no interaction between two women.
So only one of the top ten grossing movies of the 1990s passed the most ridiculously easy test, and by an approximately 30 second conversation. This is astounding to me. I think it should be to you as well. (I did this test for the 80s and 2000s- nearly identical results- the best pass was for an animated film about fish). The consequence of this under-protrayal of women in conversation about something other than men is more than I can write about here, but this is just the start of the conversation. Obviously the Bechdel test is not a test of the quality of the film, but it certainly says something about the quality of female roles in film-making.
Have you ever had to pay more money to exist? Reflecting back to the healthcare and family leave issues I mentioned before, there are also weird things like personal care items being more expensive and or taxed more for female items than male. It's been called the "pink tax" - and you can see it in stores where a few pink razors cost about the same as 5 blue ones (I'm not really simplifying- this is a thing). I stopped buying gendered products a while ago because it's fiscally irresponsible. It's a small thing- but one more small thing to put on the pile.
I started writing this nearly two weeks ago and it's sadly old news now. Old news because women aren't the only ones losing their rights or afraid for their future in this country.
But finally- what rights did Trump take away? The right to feel like the United States was on our side, or safe. Because when a man says this:
That my friend, was the most frightening thing for me. I have time and again wondered how I had so much faith and hope in the American people. How was I so naive? That is why the women marched. The blinders of optimism fell off. They realized- it is THAT bad. It's THAT bad that we can live in a place where that statement is dismissible for someone running for the Presidency. That's when I realized that I had rose-colored glasses on when it came to women's rights. I was leaning too hard on natural evolution and progress. I forgot that power does not get relinquished willingly, and Trump showed me that the power was NOT equal or fair.
My friends who were sexually assaulted- they have had to start therapy again, or more frequently, or they've had trouble getting out of bed. The safety they had started to feel was ripped to shreds. They were re-traumatized. I fight for them, for my nieces, for the women who thought this was OK and would rather me not fight for them.
I thank you for asking, I wish I could write more, but I have to stop somewhere and I have to keep going forward.
I ask you to keep asking. Keep wondering. Just because you don't understand or experience something, does not mean it does not exist. I know you know that. I was confronted with my own privilege the other day when some folks encouraged people to wear a hijab in solidarity with their muslim friends. I was afraid to do it. That right there and then told me something.
In God's love, with all the grace and hope I can muster:
your female friend,
Sarah
We have known each other since we were kids, competing for best attendance in our 4th grade Sunday School classroom. I think we tied. I still have my t-shirt I won as an award, it nicely quotes one of the bible's most beautiful words to offer about love: patient, kind, keeps no record of wrong, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things. That is the foundation of our bond- the kind of friendship that has kept us connected despite our different backgrounds, different beliefs, different lives now. I know your heart is gold and that you seek goodness and grace and love in all you do. That's why you asked me these questions. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
You asked me two questions from the bottom of your heart in sincerity. These were:
1) What rights do women not have in this country that they should and that men already have?
2) What rights has Trump been directly involved in removing from women as president?
Your questions come from witnessing one of the most amazing number of people (mostly women) who marched in protest, in statement, in solidarity on one day, literally around the world. You speak specifically of Donald Trump and America, and while Donald Trump and the political climate in the United States was an effective catalyst for this march, it is only a small part of this larger movement. I think that was made evident by the marches that occurred on (I'm almost certain because some women even marched on Antarctica) every continent of the planet. You may not have seen the pictures from around the world because you probably aren't on the same social networks, but this event was so so so big. I sat at my computer looking at the millions of faces and cried and cried. I felt hope.
I am going to answer your questions the best I can, but I want to be sure to point out that this is not a final, comprehensive answer. This is a dialogue that has been happening in public or behind curtains for a very long time. The specifics change but the foundational inequality have persisted in most cultures. I also want you to know I am speaking from my own experience. I do not speak for everyone. I can only tell you my experiences, and then point to the experiences of my friends and loved ones. I also want you to know that while the march may have begun in the US and had a distinctly anti-Trump feeling (and full-disclosure: I do NOT trust Trump), that the march and the voices were so much bigger than just our country.
But you specifically asked about me, here in the US, and so I will address that. And I'm going to address it like Jesus, by asking you questions and telling you stories.
Have you ever been told that you couldn't do something because you were a man? Not shouldn't, but specifically CANNOT. I have. My story: I was called to ministry and I had people tell me that I can NOT do that. Or that I should marry a minister because that was what I was being called to (because surely God would never ask ME to be a minister). By irony of ironies, I would marry a minister, but that was not what God was talking about that night in my Freshman dorm room when I heard "be a minister." I even had a family member tell me they didn't think women should be pastors. Later, and with so much love and grace (and a surprise to me) that family member apologized. I was in shock, and honestly had been told I can't do something so much that I didn't even realize what a healing thing it would be to hear someone retract their statement.
Women do not have the right to a role model in every prestigious career.
Have you ever wondered if you were being paid less than your coworkers because you were female? I naively thought that I was excluded from this statistic (and it is a researched and clear statistic). I was hired as a hospice chaplain by women administrators, so of course my salary would be on par with my male counterparts. The other chaplain was a male, but he had been there for nearly ten years, so I didn't expect to be paid as much as he was, and I do not know his salary, but I hope he was paid more. I did, however, run into a sheet of paper that my predecessor had accidentally left in the files. He was hired in August, fired less than three months later, and I was hired to replace him for the same exact job and hours. The piece of paper that I found had his salary listed on it. His salary was $7,000 a year more than mine. We had been hired literally three months apart. I never said a word. I was just glad for a job. I stayed in that job and received rave reviews during my evaluations until I left the job because of a geographical move. $7,000 less out the gate, if I had remained in that job, that difference would have been compounded in my deficit over the years, as percentage raises would never close the gap.
Women do not have the right to equal pay in the United States.
Have you ever been in a situation where you thought you could be raped? I don't think that this is completely a male/female divide as there are definitely men and boys who have endured sexual assault. However, I doubt that you spent many walks with your cell-phone in your hand, ready to dial 911, just in case. I have. Every night-time walk from an event to my dorm on college campus, I had my phone in hand or a friend on the phone. If I saw a man walking near me, the anxiety quadrupled and I would even pretend to talk to someone on the phone as an extra barrier if I couldn't find someone. I'm not making this up, most women do this and have a scenario played out in their head of how they will get out of a bad situation. The difference, speaking specifically of the American experience, is that women are at risk for rape and sexual assault at exponentially higher rates. The reason why that is a fact is not important to this discussion. It's an interesting enough fact that your gender alone decides whether or not you will be at significant risk. The current statistic is that 1 in 5 women on college campuses are raped. That's horrendous. It's not acceptable. I don't know about you, but I can name several people off the top of my head that I know who have been raped or sexually assaulted. Two of my dearest friends were raped by family members. I feel like I am "lucky" that I have never been raped. LUCKY?! Do your guy friends share those statistics?
Women do not have the right or freedom from fear of sexual assault.
On that same topic. How many of your male friends have abusive wives? Again, it is not completely unheard of, but the statistics are still significantly stacked for women to be in abusive relationships. Not only that, but women are significantly more likely to be killed by their partner and/or spouse. I personally know a family who was affected by such a tragedy. I have another friend whose husband shot at her and was never jailed or penalized. He stalked her by straddling the line of the law just well enough that he could never be arrested. I also know women who suffer under mentally abusive husbands. Many don't even realize just how bad it is because they were taught to be congenial and accommodating. I have seen that accommodation completely shift a person's life into a nightmare. Also- while on the topic of uneven relationships, were you ever told to submit to your spouse? That your spouse should make all of the decisions? Have you ever been told that your role in life is to help your spouse? Not with the idea that you work together, but with the idea that your spouse's needs, wishes, and wants must come first in order for your family to function properly. The church we grew up in taught me that. I didn't listen, thank God.
Women do not have the right to be free from fear of domestic abuse or submission.
Has your physical appearance been the primary topic of conversation for anyone on a daily basis? As a child, a girl growing up cannot go one single day without a comment on her appearance. Hell, I even find myself compelled to tell little girls they look pretty, it's so ingrained in me. Even if it is a compliment, the focus is on how we made ourselves pleasant to look at. I'm not saying that compliments are bad, I'm saying that a lifetime of being told how my appearance affects someone does some damage to how I feel when I look in the mirror.
Women do not have the right to have their appearances be a non-issue.
Have you ever had the risk of having a baby suddenly take residence inside your body? This is fair. The task and risk and price of reproduction are shouldered primarily and predominantly by women. Men can actually choose to exit left and there would not be a single physical consequence, and very often not a financial or moral consequence either. I can't even list all of the ways women bear the burden, but I will list the ones that I struggled with, even with full consent and spousal support. When a woman gets pregnant: people feel compelled to touch them and comment on their bodies with no respect to whether or not they know the person. This is not welcomed by every woman. Healthcare for pregnancy is not guaranteed, especially if the ACA is repealed and replaced without the conditions that made women's health better protected. That starts to answer your second question, but Congress didn't need Trump to get started on that. I had/have access to birth control, which enabled me to have safe pregnancies and control the number of children that I had so that I was financially, mentally, and physically able to handle the load. I have a supportive husband who was willing to have a vasectomy so that I didn't have to remain on birth control until menopause. This has enabled me to get off of a hormonal medicine that affected my ability to fight off depression, made me gain weight, and lowered my sex drive. My life without the negative effects of birth control (or possibilities of negative effects) and without the worry of getting pregnant is a freedom that I wish on all my women counterparts all over the world who want it. When I had my first son, I took all the paid leave, sick leave, and some unpaid leave so that I didn't have to go back to work until three months after the birth. I had a successful vaginal birth with no major complications. My baby was healthy and my emotional health was average. Three months was barely enough time to recover and be ready. I worked for a church at the time, and my supervisor was put-off by my time off. My process of producing and nurturing a newborn human was inconvenient to a person who was not bleeding, leaking milk, sleeping in 1.5 hour stints, and not in control of the surge of hormones that rushed through my body as the natural part of prenatal and postpartum human pregnancy. My body was not in its regular state for nearly two years, from conception to weaning. I would not give that experience away, but I sure as hell don't think women get the support and care they need for their balance of the work they (voluntarily or not) play in the human reproductive cycle.
Specifically: women do not have access to paid maternity leave in America. This is a third-world characteristic and atrocious. All American women do not have affordable access to birth control, pre-natal, and postpartum care. If you (out of your control) have a complicated pregnancy and are under-insured, you are financially fucked. Sorry for the profanity.
Let's move to a question that is slightly less intense. When you were growing up, did you have a shortage of male role models who were strong, in control, and respected? As a girl, most media portrayals of women were couched in terms of appearance, attractiveness or accessory to a male in a love/adventure/hero/fairy tale story. Strong women who were not attractive were displayed negatively: bitchy, or at best as "butch." Have you ever heard of the Bechdel test? Here it is, in order to "pass" the test, a movie or show has to have (1) at least two women in it, (2) who talk to each other (3) about something besides a man. Seems really silly easy, right? Start applying this test to tv shows and movies that you have watched and enjoyed. It's a little crazy how many don't pass. So the top 10 grossing movies when we were growing up- let's just narrow it to the 90s:
Titanic (1997) - one main woman, focused on the man- fails the test.
Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999) - two women, they never interact.
Jurassic Park - only one woman
Forrest Gump (1994) - two women, but they never interact
The Lion King (1994) (tie) two women (one a child), but they never interact
Independence Day (1996) - barely passes. One conversation occurs between two women.
The Sixth Sense (1999) - two female characters, never interact.
Home Alone (1990) - debated, but not passed. Only conversation between two females is a woman and child about a head count of kids on the van, otherwise- no interaction between two women.
So only one of the top ten grossing movies of the 1990s passed the most ridiculously easy test, and by an approximately 30 second conversation. This is astounding to me. I think it should be to you as well. (I did this test for the 80s and 2000s- nearly identical results- the best pass was for an animated film about fish). The consequence of this under-protrayal of women in conversation about something other than men is more than I can write about here, but this is just the start of the conversation. Obviously the Bechdel test is not a test of the quality of the film, but it certainly says something about the quality of female roles in film-making.
Have you ever had to pay more money to exist? Reflecting back to the healthcare and family leave issues I mentioned before, there are also weird things like personal care items being more expensive and or taxed more for female items than male. It's been called the "pink tax" - and you can see it in stores where a few pink razors cost about the same as 5 blue ones (I'm not really simplifying- this is a thing). I stopped buying gendered products a while ago because it's fiscally irresponsible. It's a small thing- but one more small thing to put on the pile.
I started writing this nearly two weeks ago and it's sadly old news now. Old news because women aren't the only ones losing their rights or afraid for their future in this country.
But finally- what rights did Trump take away? The right to feel like the United States was on our side, or safe. Because when a man says this:
I did try and fuck her. She was married. I moved on her like a bitch, but I couldn't get there. And she was married. Then all of a sudden I see her, she's now got the big phony tits and everything. She's totally changed her look. I've gotta use some Tic Tacs, just in case I start kissing her. You know I'm automatically attracted to beautiful - I just start kissing them. It's like a magnet. Just kiss. I don't even wait. And when you're a star they let you do it. You can do anything... Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything.it should be a game changer. It should be an automatic disqualifier. It should be over the line of acceptability. It should not be acceptable or justifiable. It should be a FULL STOP. But it wasn't. People decided that it was OK. It was something we could handle and accept if we could just have the other things we want.
That my friend, was the most frightening thing for me. I have time and again wondered how I had so much faith and hope in the American people. How was I so naive? That is why the women marched. The blinders of optimism fell off. They realized- it is THAT bad. It's THAT bad that we can live in a place where that statement is dismissible for someone running for the Presidency. That's when I realized that I had rose-colored glasses on when it came to women's rights. I was leaning too hard on natural evolution and progress. I forgot that power does not get relinquished willingly, and Trump showed me that the power was NOT equal or fair.
My friends who were sexually assaulted- they have had to start therapy again, or more frequently, or they've had trouble getting out of bed. The safety they had started to feel was ripped to shreds. They were re-traumatized. I fight for them, for my nieces, for the women who thought this was OK and would rather me not fight for them.
I thank you for asking, I wish I could write more, but I have to stop somewhere and I have to keep going forward.
I ask you to keep asking. Keep wondering. Just because you don't understand or experience something, does not mean it does not exist. I know you know that. I was confronted with my own privilege the other day when some folks encouraged people to wear a hijab in solidarity with their muslim friends. I was afraid to do it. That right there and then told me something.
In God's love, with all the grace and hope I can muster:
your female friend,
Sarah
Wednesday, February 1, 2017
Ground Zero: Be Nice!
I don't care who you are, where you came from, what you believe, how you feel about anything, or what your IQ or class or color or anything is. Here's the common denominator: we're human. Period. If your life matters- then so does every other human. Period. Let's start there. Let's not leave it.
Right now I need you to understand two things: 1) You are human. 2) You are capable of being awful.
(In all the "you's" I include myself.)
When you see some horrible person who did horrible things get arrested and you write in the comment section: "I hope they burn in hell!" or "they deserve to be tortured!" Then you're wrong, bad, and not helping. I'm not sorry. I mean it. I'm tired of it. If you want some horrible person to be ripped into shreds- then you are just as capable as they are to do horrible things and therefore you can't separate yourself from them as better. Done, full stop. So stop. You don't get to feel superior, you don't get to put yourself higher.
If you see someone suffering and decide that your comfort is more important, you are wrong, bad, and not helping. You do not get to use an ethics calculator to configure something where someone is less important than you are. What you have in your hand is not an ethics calculator but a selfish justification machine that is focused on you.
We all draw a line around ourselves and our family and say: first these guys. I get it. I do it, we all do it, that's how it is to be human. However, all of the major religions and moral mandates on earth right now basically ask humans to evolve and expand that line, or at the very least don't hurt people outside the line. Jesus told some dude to leave the burying of his father to someone else and follow him. Because they're all our fathers. Jesus also kept calling everyone sons and daughters of God and brothers and sisters. That is one confusing family tree. Jesus is my prophet that helps me as I evolve, who is yours? Pick one. Even if it is a rainbow unicorn, as long as you've got the golden rule in there somewhere- I really don't care. It's a start and we'll work out the logistics later.
Here's the thing: boundaries matter. I'm not letting Creepy Joe sleep on the floor in my kids room. I get it. I'm also not asking Creepy Joe to sleep outside in the freezing rain. If go back to our common denominator: we're human - then my first and last priority is that Creepy Joe gets the same basic human rights as my kids. Creepy Joe should be able to survive. We can honestly just stop at that basic level for me to argue my point. I do not know why this is difficult.
If you want to beat people, burn them, torture them, leave them to their own demise, etc etc- then YOU ARE CAPABLE OF EVIL. SO let's stop feeling so damned special about ourselves, shall we?
It is not complicated, if you see a human who is hurting and say "Meh" then you are not always a nice person and fully arrived. ALL OF US HAVE DONE THIS. I have seen a homeless dude and let myself not worry about it. I have seen crying babies on the TV and changed the channel. It's overwhelming all the hurt and awful that is out there and knocking folks down left and right. It's overwhelming all the ways a person can make crappy choices and find themselves in a really bad place. It's overwhelming how sometimes you can just be born in the wrong fucking place and that means that poof- your life is misery.
What am I trying to say? That the ONLY thing we should be trying to do is be better. BE BETTER. Start somewhere! Don't call for someone to be tortured. Don't ask someone to shove it up their ass. BE A NICE HUMAN. When you see someone being a mean human- say NO. When you can actually do something to help- HELP. When you need a boundary, make sure that boundary doesn't kill someone or keep someone from being as human as you are. When you see someone else helping other people, at least get out of the way if you aren't going to join in. If you need time before you can see a human as a human- actually work on it by TALKING to them.
Just BE NICE PEOPLE!
Do you know what will change the world and make it a shiny happy place if we don't annihilate ourselves? Relationships. Broadening the circle. Seriously. I could sit outside and poop facts on my lawn all day and it won't make a single difference. Facts are ammunition, but the weapon is people. I can talk words all day until I am blue in the face but it won't make a difference. Words are magic, but the wizard is people. People are pains in the asses and fun and terrifying and the only way that we will have a CIVILization is to... wait for it... be civil with each other. We cannot coexist if we ignore that others exist. It's that simple.
So let's get off our high or low horses and go meet people. No excuses. I'm an introvert and I hate crowds and I hate cooking. But I have invited people over for dinner because it matters. (If I've invited you to dinner, I don't hate cooking THAT much and a family isn't a crowd to me.)
It's important for you to find a safe place to learn and grow and be with people like you so that you have a space to be able to let all those muscles relax. It is also EQUALLY important that you go places where you don't feel safe or comfortable and people are not like you so that you can learn how to relax when it isn't easy.
I cannot emphasize this enough: the solution is RELATIONSHIPS! Because here is what I suspect will happen: when you talk and mingle and eat and sit next to people who are not like you, you will discover at least ONE thing: that person is a human. That discovery in your soul will shift you. You may not like it at first, but dammit you will maybe actually start to change your mind about something. I have experienced this first hand. And you know what? I thank GOD every day that I sat next down to that gay pagan guy. I thank GOD every day that I sat down next to that straight-laced Christian girl. I thank GOD every day I sat down next to that ex-convict. I thank GOD every day that I sat down next to that homeless guy. The list goes on.
In my time as a hospice chaplain I was given this insane invitation to walk into people's homes and sit with them while they were dying. DYING. I have NO idea why people would let a stranger into such a sacred and intimate time.... except that I have a hunch about it. People want to connect. They want to know that their time on earth meant something. They want to share themselves (good, bad, and ugly). They want to be seen as HUMAN. And since I was very adept at hanging out with dying people without treating them like they were some sort of scary thing, they wanted me around. I SAW them. And oh my goodness, they allowed me in. So I saw all sorts of humans. I saw abused wives, manipulative mothers, womanizing men, simple people, educated people, filth and pristine-ness. I saw people from different races, cultures, economic class, religions, and political beliefs. Guess what: they were all HUMAN. And they all deserved the most peaceful death we could foster. They all deserved to have someone sit with them. They all deserved to be SEEN. That was my greatest privilege. To SEE people. The paperwork and corporate meetings and everything else was a means to an end. The best part of my day was when I got to go and be in an uncomfortable situation and find out that it wasn't all that scary after all.
One patient I had was a supporter of our current president. He was a crazy old man from Britain who had amazing stories and strange habits. He told me about his childhood, which was completely enclosed in the framework of war and survival. As a 13 year old, he had a job looking out into the ocean for menacing bubbles that might be signs of a German U-boat. He'd point out the bubbles and then the military would send a storm of fire towards the U-boat or the unfortunate sea creature that made the bubbles. Is this story true? I have no idea, but he told it to me- so in his memory- it was real. You know what else happened? When this man was transitioning (a hospice lingo for that time before someone is actively dying)- he spoke to me about a certain composer and how no one made music like that. I found it on my phone, turned it up and we listened to a forty-five minute concert. This man's face was light! Radiance around him as the joy of hearing this music filled him. His hands moved around him as he encouraged the music on and felt the emotion of sound. His eyes were closed but streaming with tears. Pure joy. You know what? That man was not like me in so so many ways, but I held his hand as he cried tears of joy while we enjoyed the same music. I listened to his stories and understood why he would fear an enemy, as his whole life had been framed by fear of the enemy. (And remember that enemy was not so far from wiping out his country, and certainly tried.) Did I disagree with him? Of course! Was he human? Yes. Could I be in the same room with him? I couldn't wait, and I cried when he died.
Relationships. DO something about them. Make it a point to talk to someone not like you at least once a week. Go ride a bus or something. Go to a church and talk to a crochety old lady. Go to the homeless shelter and believe every word someone tells you, even if you think it is all lies- so that person can feel heard. Go to a hospital and ask to visit someone who has no family. Go to a school and read to a kid. Step outside of your bubble and make relationships. Go greet people at the local Mosque before their prayer service on Friday night. Go to a synagogue and enjoy a service. Go do yoga with some buddhists. If you can't get out- then start reading books by people not like you. Watch movies about people not like you. Find a pen pal - writing letters is super fun.
DO SOMETHING TO BE NICE.
Here's the thing: some people will be mean and rude and annoying or annoyed in response. Some people will be kind and amazing and wonderful. You will be surprised at how it will shake out. But the response is not why you're doing it. It is YOU we are working on. YOU need the evolution. If someone isn't super excited that YOU decided they were humans worth talking to today, that is OK. YOU needed to know they were humans worth talking to.
This is not the last thing you will need to do if we want world peace. But by golly it should be the first and consistent thing you do. Don't stoop below it. Don't justify being a jerk. Don't tell lies about people because you hate them. Don't ignore someone- say hello and at least talk about the weather- everyone can get behind a good weather report.
In summary: 1) We are all Human. 2) Be Nice.
This is ground zero of "how to have civilization."
Start there. Build relationships and see what happens.
Right now I need you to understand two things: 1) You are human. 2) You are capable of being awful.
(In all the "you's" I include myself.)
When you see some horrible person who did horrible things get arrested and you write in the comment section: "I hope they burn in hell!" or "they deserve to be tortured!" Then you're wrong, bad, and not helping. I'm not sorry. I mean it. I'm tired of it. If you want some horrible person to be ripped into shreds- then you are just as capable as they are to do horrible things and therefore you can't separate yourself from them as better. Done, full stop. So stop. You don't get to feel superior, you don't get to put yourself higher.
If you see someone suffering and decide that your comfort is more important, you are wrong, bad, and not helping. You do not get to use an ethics calculator to configure something where someone is less important than you are. What you have in your hand is not an ethics calculator but a selfish justification machine that is focused on you.
We all draw a line around ourselves and our family and say: first these guys. I get it. I do it, we all do it, that's how it is to be human. However, all of the major religions and moral mandates on earth right now basically ask humans to evolve and expand that line, or at the very least don't hurt people outside the line. Jesus told some dude to leave the burying of his father to someone else and follow him. Because they're all our fathers. Jesus also kept calling everyone sons and daughters of God and brothers and sisters. That is one confusing family tree. Jesus is my prophet that helps me as I evolve, who is yours? Pick one. Even if it is a rainbow unicorn, as long as you've got the golden rule in there somewhere- I really don't care. It's a start and we'll work out the logistics later.
Here's the thing: boundaries matter. I'm not letting Creepy Joe sleep on the floor in my kids room. I get it. I'm also not asking Creepy Joe to sleep outside in the freezing rain. If go back to our common denominator: we're human - then my first and last priority is that Creepy Joe gets the same basic human rights as my kids. Creepy Joe should be able to survive. We can honestly just stop at that basic level for me to argue my point. I do not know why this is difficult.
If you want to beat people, burn them, torture them, leave them to their own demise, etc etc- then YOU ARE CAPABLE OF EVIL. SO let's stop feeling so damned special about ourselves, shall we?
It is not complicated, if you see a human who is hurting and say "Meh" then you are not always a nice person and fully arrived. ALL OF US HAVE DONE THIS. I have seen a homeless dude and let myself not worry about it. I have seen crying babies on the TV and changed the channel. It's overwhelming all the hurt and awful that is out there and knocking folks down left and right. It's overwhelming all the ways a person can make crappy choices and find themselves in a really bad place. It's overwhelming how sometimes you can just be born in the wrong fucking place and that means that poof- your life is misery.
What am I trying to say? That the ONLY thing we should be trying to do is be better. BE BETTER. Start somewhere! Don't call for someone to be tortured. Don't ask someone to shove it up their ass. BE A NICE HUMAN. When you see someone being a mean human- say NO. When you can actually do something to help- HELP. When you need a boundary, make sure that boundary doesn't kill someone or keep someone from being as human as you are. When you see someone else helping other people, at least get out of the way if you aren't going to join in. If you need time before you can see a human as a human- actually work on it by TALKING to them.
Just BE NICE PEOPLE!
Do you know what will change the world and make it a shiny happy place if we don't annihilate ourselves? Relationships. Broadening the circle. Seriously. I could sit outside and poop facts on my lawn all day and it won't make a single difference. Facts are ammunition, but the weapon is people. I can talk words all day until I am blue in the face but it won't make a difference. Words are magic, but the wizard is people. People are pains in the asses and fun and terrifying and the only way that we will have a CIVILization is to... wait for it... be civil with each other. We cannot coexist if we ignore that others exist. It's that simple.
So let's get off our high or low horses and go meet people. No excuses. I'm an introvert and I hate crowds and I hate cooking. But I have invited people over for dinner because it matters. (If I've invited you to dinner, I don't hate cooking THAT much and a family isn't a crowd to me.)
It's important for you to find a safe place to learn and grow and be with people like you so that you have a space to be able to let all those muscles relax. It is also EQUALLY important that you go places where you don't feel safe or comfortable and people are not like you so that you can learn how to relax when it isn't easy.
I cannot emphasize this enough: the solution is RELATIONSHIPS! Because here is what I suspect will happen: when you talk and mingle and eat and sit next to people who are not like you, you will discover at least ONE thing: that person is a human. That discovery in your soul will shift you. You may not like it at first, but dammit you will maybe actually start to change your mind about something. I have experienced this first hand. And you know what? I thank GOD every day that I sat next down to that gay pagan guy. I thank GOD every day that I sat down next to that straight-laced Christian girl. I thank GOD every day I sat down next to that ex-convict. I thank GOD every day that I sat down next to that homeless guy. The list goes on.
In my time as a hospice chaplain I was given this insane invitation to walk into people's homes and sit with them while they were dying. DYING. I have NO idea why people would let a stranger into such a sacred and intimate time.... except that I have a hunch about it. People want to connect. They want to know that their time on earth meant something. They want to share themselves (good, bad, and ugly). They want to be seen as HUMAN. And since I was very adept at hanging out with dying people without treating them like they were some sort of scary thing, they wanted me around. I SAW them. And oh my goodness, they allowed me in. So I saw all sorts of humans. I saw abused wives, manipulative mothers, womanizing men, simple people, educated people, filth and pristine-ness. I saw people from different races, cultures, economic class, religions, and political beliefs. Guess what: they were all HUMAN. And they all deserved the most peaceful death we could foster. They all deserved to have someone sit with them. They all deserved to be SEEN. That was my greatest privilege. To SEE people. The paperwork and corporate meetings and everything else was a means to an end. The best part of my day was when I got to go and be in an uncomfortable situation and find out that it wasn't all that scary after all.
One patient I had was a supporter of our current president. He was a crazy old man from Britain who had amazing stories and strange habits. He told me about his childhood, which was completely enclosed in the framework of war and survival. As a 13 year old, he had a job looking out into the ocean for menacing bubbles that might be signs of a German U-boat. He'd point out the bubbles and then the military would send a storm of fire towards the U-boat or the unfortunate sea creature that made the bubbles. Is this story true? I have no idea, but he told it to me- so in his memory- it was real. You know what else happened? When this man was transitioning (a hospice lingo for that time before someone is actively dying)- he spoke to me about a certain composer and how no one made music like that. I found it on my phone, turned it up and we listened to a forty-five minute concert. This man's face was light! Radiance around him as the joy of hearing this music filled him. His hands moved around him as he encouraged the music on and felt the emotion of sound. His eyes were closed but streaming with tears. Pure joy. You know what? That man was not like me in so so many ways, but I held his hand as he cried tears of joy while we enjoyed the same music. I listened to his stories and understood why he would fear an enemy, as his whole life had been framed by fear of the enemy. (And remember that enemy was not so far from wiping out his country, and certainly tried.) Did I disagree with him? Of course! Was he human? Yes. Could I be in the same room with him? I couldn't wait, and I cried when he died.
Relationships. DO something about them. Make it a point to talk to someone not like you at least once a week. Go ride a bus or something. Go to a church and talk to a crochety old lady. Go to the homeless shelter and believe every word someone tells you, even if you think it is all lies- so that person can feel heard. Go to a hospital and ask to visit someone who has no family. Go to a school and read to a kid. Step outside of your bubble and make relationships. Go greet people at the local Mosque before their prayer service on Friday night. Go to a synagogue and enjoy a service. Go do yoga with some buddhists. If you can't get out- then start reading books by people not like you. Watch movies about people not like you. Find a pen pal - writing letters is super fun.
DO SOMETHING TO BE NICE.
Here's the thing: some people will be mean and rude and annoying or annoyed in response. Some people will be kind and amazing and wonderful. You will be surprised at how it will shake out. But the response is not why you're doing it. It is YOU we are working on. YOU need the evolution. If someone isn't super excited that YOU decided they were humans worth talking to today, that is OK. YOU needed to know they were humans worth talking to.
This is not the last thing you will need to do if we want world peace. But by golly it should be the first and consistent thing you do. Don't stoop below it. Don't justify being a jerk. Don't tell lies about people because you hate them. Don't ignore someone- say hello and at least talk about the weather- everyone can get behind a good weather report.
In summary: 1) We are all Human. 2) Be Nice.
This is ground zero of "how to have civilization."
Start there. Build relationships and see what happens.
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