I'm Sorry Elizabeth

I voted for Biden in the primaries. I said my apologies to Elizabeth as I did it, and I meant it. I was sorry, but not for what I did, at least not completely. I was sorry that the world isn't fair.

People have been so upset that a well-qualified woman will not win the democratic nomination. I am upset. I am also not surprised. Should anyone be? But I am also part of the reason it happened. The reason: I've learned a very humbling, hard lesson. That is that the world really isn't fair, and I cannot always have what I want, and that sometimes (many times) I have to put others before me even if it looks like I'm submitting to the status quo. Sometimes progress isn't always for me right now, but it's the long game that counts. Others who have more to lose than I do showed me Biden was their best shot. So I fell in line.

Before Super Tuesday, there were articles swarming everywhere, all saying basically the same thing: "She can win if you vote for her!" But the problem was, she had already lost. Not in the numbers game necessarily, but if people are writing articles trying to convince me not to count someone out, the truth is that the unfair world has already done so. My submitting to this truth was, in my opinion, a smart move in potentially unseating the current president. Our current president is not in office because of fairness, intellect, capabilities, debate prowess, or anything else other than pure corruption and racist hatred.

It makes me laugh when people say Biden can't win because he'll lose a debate or not be able to speak intelligibly. Um. Do you see who is in office now? Wisdom and eloquence was not his path to the position. Intelligence has only been a small part of the political process, a fact that has not changed since the beginning of politics. Intelligence helps, for sure, but it's not the only tool.

I saw that candidates were backing out and endorsing Biden, I saw that the governor of Virginia endorsed Biden, I heard from a well-connected political person that they were supporting Biden. It was clear that the party was bolstering Biden. My experience as an educated woman who likes plans made me love Warren, but my experience is not everyone's.

What really hurt was when I texted my Dad, a lifetime Republican, and basically your typical old white dude (sorry Dad). My Dad is not a fan of Trump, he is a member of the old guard Republicans, with Reagan and George Sr. as models. I asked him: in this election, would you vote for Biden and/or Warren against Trump? Then I asked in parentheses, because I already knew the answer, if he would vote for Sanders. His answer: "Sanders: definitely no. Warren: probably no. Biden: it's a toss up."

Then I kept hearing from black women that Biden was their pick. Here is a quote from one woman who explained why Biden had proved himself for her:

Let me explain something to you about Joe Biden and why some of the shit that he’s done in his past doesn’t matter. This old rich white man played second fiddle to a black man. Not just any black man, but a younger black man, a smart black man. Not just for a day. Not 1, not 2 but eight years. He took his cues from this black man who had more power than him and was virtually unknown when he took the presidency, and Joe Biden had been around forever. He was willing and proud to be his wing man. Not once did he try to undermine him, this black man. Instead Joe walked in lockstep with him, he respected him, he loved and trusted him. He was led by him and he learned from him. And Joe did not have a problem with it. You tell me what 40+ year “establishment” white politician has ever done that. Joe Biden is cut from a different cloth. And black folks understand that and for good reason. He has shown it. This is what showing up and being an ally looks like. When black people say they know Joe, this is how we know.- Laurie Goff

So there it was: the old white dude and black women had spoken. Biden was the best shot. I listened to the women who had everything to lose, and took heart that the old white dude could potentially be convinced to vote blue.

At 38 years old I hated asking my Dad who was more palatable to him so I could have that nugget of information going forth. I wasn't asking for instruction though. I wanted to know- who has a shot? When we have the luxury of choice, we can write in our candidate and feel proud to vote our conscience. When we have the luxury of choice, we get to choose from a list of highly qualified candidates and hope, even expect that the best person wins.

That's not where we are today. The luxury of choice is gone. The choice is cake or death. I choose Not Death. In 2016, our collective liberal and moderate conscience decided that we had luxuries. My Dad, not liking his choice (knowing Trump would be a disaster), wrote in his choice to keep his conscience clear, assuming he didn't need to "hold his nose," that the work would be done for him. Others picked their favorite progressive candidate because luxury. Still others held their noses to vote for Trump because of one issue they really wanted to have power over, even though they knew that he would be a disaster otherwise. But for them, they didn't have much to lose either, so luxury again. And here we are. Luxury got us here. I can't lean on my luxury anymore. Not even if I'm a woman. Especially not if I'm a white woman.

There are much bigger things happening behind the scenes than most of us (including me) know. So when I, a regular citizen, can see that there is purposeful movement to bolster Biden, I take notice. I can probably survive another Trump term, many cannot. So for those who cannot (and then for me), I will fall in line. It sucks not to vote for who I loved, it hurts, it feels like submitting, but in this moment, I don't want to lean on my luxury and pick the underdog. I want to kick Trump out.

Everyone has been saying that the Democratic Party needs to band together, fall in line, unify. Then when it happens, everyone gets mad. Obviously, we hoped to fall in line behind whomever was our favorite choice. I know. I did. I wanted to vote for another woman in the 2020 elections and have Trump's ass kicked by a school teacher. But it wasn't to be.

Biden is not a bad choice. He wasn't my first choice, but when it comes to my future, my children's future, and the future of the country: I choose democracy over Trump. Every damn day. And Biden was where the cards were falling.

I really am sorry, Elizabeth.