Pregnancy Hormones

So the news is officially out- and it seems so are my hormones. The cry-baby ones. Sometimes I hate being pregnant (by the way if you are learning for the first time I am pregnant from this- I hope I tried to call you and tell you!). I don't mean I hate the baby- right now it's nice and tiny and hasn't been kicking me or anything- its legs aren't long enough. No- I hate the emotions and realities that come crashing in when you are expecting a new family member.

The emotions honestly have not been wreaking havok on my system, but classic "me"- they've been lurking underneath, waiting for the INoportune time to show up. Aka- my boss' office. Yes- I cried in front of my boss today- not because he yelled at me, not because he was particularly mean or angry- no- my hormones jumped out and cried. We were discussing the previously mentioned "job bullshit" (finally) and I burst into tears. Stupid face-scrunching tears. Now- I am the hypocrite who tells everyone to let their tears out- feel the feeling, but I like to cry alone and preferably in the shower. Not in my boss' office.

So the emotions and realities: apparently when you have a baby in your stomach, all the things that you didn't let yourself think about before or cry about before- want to be thought over and cried over. Let me give you some examples: 1) Not being close to family, 2) Not having a fabulous garden (I can't make this crap up) 3) Not being close to family, and 4) Not being close to family. My friends happen to be in the same general non-local area as my family- so let's throw them in for 5.

My boss basically ultimately decided as a compromise that he would rather I not take comp time for out of state vacations. Which of course in my irrational head I considered as a direct punishment for not living near my family, because if they all lived 2 hours away, I wouldn't have to leave the state except once a year for beach therapy. And I might have said that out loud. I really don't seem to be good with "fearing" authority. I gratefully got the rest of the staff out of this ridiculous comp time mess, never really got a solid answer on whether or not anyone had a problem with me (he said no one had an issue with how I do my job and that I do a good job- but my insecurities and hormones are suspicious).

So that's how I came to cry in the office. He thought it was about him, and a little bit of it was and I didn't mind making him squirm (although the plan was not originally through tears)- but really it was about where I am in life and where I want to be. I have lived my whole life a military brat: "bloom where you're planted." I've done a decent job at doing that, not being homesick for a minute of my life- not even Freshman year of college (especially not that year). I've never associated a physical place to my home, and so have been happily homeless for years. Now the one thing that my parents did screw up on was when they told me that home is where your family is. Well- after I was done escaping from family in college and so on, I wanted to go back home- but then I had new family (Jason)- so home became Virginia. And it's been blessing upon blessing- my Grandmother lives here, we have a wonderful (too huge) home, we have a fun (big hairy) dog, and we aren't very far from my new family (in-laws). So what's not to love? I even found a dream job or two.

But dammit- home is where the family is- and as long as the rest of my family (and my first family that was the only stable thing in my life growing up) is a million miles away- I'm still feeling homeless. And when I have a baby in my stomach- that makes me uneasy. I've never been able to say it before, but Jason was right: I need to be near my family. Once you admit that, there's no going back to fantasy "bloom where you're planted" land. So now everything I think of and do seems to point me home. And it's making me crazy.

Pregnancy hormones suck.