Things I said...

...to my 7 month old today:

"You look like a monster."

"biting is not ok now that you have teeth."

"Sleeping is for winners."

"Crawling is a great thing."

"Crawling during nap time is not a good idea."

"Naptime makes everyone happy."

"Open your mouth and eat your mixed vegetables."

"Don't vomit."

"Thank God you finally are taking a nap!"

And so off I go to take a shower... finally.

The Deaf Card

This is a phrase that my older sister and I coined when it comes to getting what we want via our deafness (hearing impairedment, really)- aka- playing the "deaf card." We rarely play the deaf card, but there are instances once in a rare while when the trump card comes out.

Examples of when we might find it appropriate to use the deaf card:
When we had college professors that didn't speak English. Deaf people are the only ones who seem to get their way when it comes to language barriers (not fair, I know)- so we pulled the deaf card and got the only math teacher from southern Georgia (the state, not the country).
When our teachers mistakenly only gave an oral cue for a homework assignment or to be quiet, etc etc. We really didn't hear it! The deaf card.
When our husbands tell us they've told us before. The deaf card.

To keep the deaf card valuable, it usually is based on fact of deafness (we don't pull it falsely) and is kept only for special occasions (we may incur a false penalty and just deal with it so as not to overuse the deaf card). It has been a while since I've pulled the deaf card. Today I had to play it in a way that made me oddly aware of the whole deaf part.

My husband mentioned in passing that he would be leaving after a meeting on Monday night to head to his conference that is Tuesday-Thursday. This is news to me. I thought he was leaving Tuesday morning and so wasn't concerned because my mother is coming Tuesday morning. This brought on some real frustration and, hidden deep down inside, fear for me. We had a little fight about the timing of it all when he checked and realized that he was in fact leaving Tuesday morning and all was well. I had already pulled the deaf card at this point.

Here was the argument: Jason was frustrated that I was freaking out about the whole thing at all because he has been attempting to get me to try our baby monitors on vibrate (the reason we got that model) so that I could be home alone at night with Hunter. Hunter sleeps through the night at this point, so the only real kicker would be what time he decides to get up in the morning. The monitor won't hold a charge for a whole night, so essentially I would have to set my alarm for a certain time in the morning and do the monitor thing and hope to get back to sleep. Those are the things I said to Jason. Plus I told him that I wouldn't be able to sleep well the whole night, knowing I might be missing something and obsession over whether he was asleep or awake. I could sleep with my hearing aids in, I guess, but they would whistle and I would have a restless sleep still.

Here is what I didn't say to Jason (I will, don't worry you therapists- I just took a while to realize where I am): I am scared out of my mind of having someone dependent on me when I don't know if they can be. That is why I have avoided the whole baby monitor practice thing, that is why I always seem to have someone with me when Jason is out of town. I'm avoiding my fear. I don't want to deal with it at all, and was hoping not to have to until Hunter was sleeping in and could get up and wake me up if he needed to (which is in two years??). And because I haven't communicated this to Jason, his annoyance with me is misinterpreted (by me) as a lack of compassion. I know he can't understand my fear, and sometimes I worry that he resents my dependance. THIS is the revelation of my deaf card pull today- and it was not pretty. I felt momentarily like I was somehow less capable or able to be a mother simply because I can't hear at night. This I know to be false, and as I've said countless times, deaf people have kids- so it's possible- but I never faced the fear or the reality of figuring out how to do it myself.

So I suppose I have to go tell this to Jason, get more comfortable with the monitor thing or keep my hearing aids in, etc. I have to face my fear. I have to figure it out. I can't play the deaf card this time- it played me!

I am job.

This is a quote from the movie "Mrs. Doubtfire" when Robin Williams' character calls his ex-wife in different voices to answer her ad in the paper for a nanny. One call he makes and just says "I am JOB" over and over again. It is really funny.

This is the phrase that has been in my head a while for some reason- but it has more to do with NOT being the job. I recently resigned from my church job (last Monday) and my two weeks is up this Thursday. It is really really weird to me. I am no longer job. I was telling my sisters this- I no longer have a job, which used to be part of my identity, and now I don't- and I don't know if I even understand what it means. I have been given the opportunity to stay at home with Hunter and be a companion for my Grandmother who lives locally. It is a win-win situation for everyone, and I am thrilled to do it- but for some reason even writing this out here in the blog is making me anxious.

I don't believe it to be true. I don't know what I will say now when people ask me what I do. I know it is the good and best and right thing for me and my family at this point, but I can't help but think in my head.... I am job? With a definite question mark. So many things are going through my mind. Because I seem to be befuddled and anxious just thinking about it- let me tell you about it list-style:

-i am so excited about Hunter having a regular schedule and not messing with being at a work place at certain times.
-thank god i dont have to count my hours anymore
-i was working on some projects at work, will i be able to drop them now?
-i can volunteer and do good things
-i can't volunteer too muchu or else i'm just doing my job for free
-my grandmother's life is going to improve significantly!
-what if my grandmother's life doesn't improve significantly?
-Hunter will still be off schedule a little bit when we go to Grandmothers
-maybe not- he'll get used to it and nap there as well as he does here
-i am now fully responsible for the well-being of two human beings
-that is scary
-i felt responsible before anyway- now i can do it well
-will i have to have an impeccable house now?
-i can cook healthy meals- i hope
-i have way too many expectations on myself about what this "new life" will look like
-will i disappoint people? myself?
-i went to grad school and now i'm going to be a caregiver.... Im fine with that but feel like there is a little feminist in the back of my brain that says somehow i failed
-but i dont want to have a high-powered career
-but then why did i go to grad school?
-I really loved grad school.
-what do i say when people ask me what i do?
-Im a stay at home mom (SAHM), but more than that- but not that there is a "lesser" to being home.
-oh my gosh- am i really a SAHM?
- i dont want to become one of "them" (you know- the Moms that have no idea that there are other people besides their kids in the world)

i just.... whew. have a lot on my mind. this is such a huge blessing, and yet it is really messing with me. i can't put my finger on it. I want to do so much with this new freedom, but just like any freedom- there will be boundaries and brick walls and obstacles, and it hurts to run into them, and it can hurt if you run for miles without putting up a boundary.

My analogy/story: When we moved to south florida my senior year of high school, the family dog- Ginger- was totally confused. We had a back yard but no fence. All of us knew where the yard ended, but she didn't because the fence always told her. So one day she got out and ran until she found a fence. it was about 4 houses down and I had to run after her in my swimsuit as she totally ignored me. We installed an electric fence soon after and she never bothered with the border after a couple of tries. She was content in her new space and knew where the yard ended. I feel like Ginger- only I don't have my fence yet. I have to refigure my whole yard- my life- figure out where the fences are, where I can't go and where I can. I have to redefine my boundaries, redefine my freedoms, redefine my expectations, redefine my role, all while having two people (and a husband) with their own ideas and expectations. I have to figure out my identity in these new terms and satisfy myself as well as all these other folks. THAT is going to be a lot of work. And it feels like no one really gets that- I'm sure they do. I asked Jason if he had any new expectations or thoughts- he was just really excited about the possibility of me cooking dinner consistently. (I've claimed that chore but not followed through). I know it will be more complex than this.

I'm anxious.

I'm joyful.

I am job?

Tub emergency

The baby bath tub is leaking into the guest bedroom. The guest bedroom is in use. The guest bedroom is the ONLY room in the entire house with carpeting. The baby bath tub is in the bathroom that hasn't yet had a total plumbing replacement done (unlike all the others). The plumbers don't like to work on weekends so they charge emergency fees (think double or triple). The baby bath tub could end up in the guest bedroom by the time the un-emergent plumber gets here on Monday or Tuesday- if available of course.

Why didn't I become a plumber? They must be millionaires.