The Deaf Card

This is a phrase that my older sister and I coined when it comes to getting what we want via our deafness (hearing impairedment, really)- aka- playing the "deaf card." We rarely play the deaf card, but there are instances once in a rare while when the trump card comes out.

Examples of when we might find it appropriate to use the deaf card:
When we had college professors that didn't speak English. Deaf people are the only ones who seem to get their way when it comes to language barriers (not fair, I know)- so we pulled the deaf card and got the only math teacher from southern Georgia (the state, not the country).
When our teachers mistakenly only gave an oral cue for a homework assignment or to be quiet, etc etc. We really didn't hear it! The deaf card.
When our husbands tell us they've told us before. The deaf card.

To keep the deaf card valuable, it usually is based on fact of deafness (we don't pull it falsely) and is kept only for special occasions (we may incur a false penalty and just deal with it so as not to overuse the deaf card). It has been a while since I've pulled the deaf card. Today I had to play it in a way that made me oddly aware of the whole deaf part.

My husband mentioned in passing that he would be leaving after a meeting on Monday night to head to his conference that is Tuesday-Thursday. This is news to me. I thought he was leaving Tuesday morning and so wasn't concerned because my mother is coming Tuesday morning. This brought on some real frustration and, hidden deep down inside, fear for me. We had a little fight about the timing of it all when he checked and realized that he was in fact leaving Tuesday morning and all was well. I had already pulled the deaf card at this point.

Here was the argument: Jason was frustrated that I was freaking out about the whole thing at all because he has been attempting to get me to try our baby monitors on vibrate (the reason we got that model) so that I could be home alone at night with Hunter. Hunter sleeps through the night at this point, so the only real kicker would be what time he decides to get up in the morning. The monitor won't hold a charge for a whole night, so essentially I would have to set my alarm for a certain time in the morning and do the monitor thing and hope to get back to sleep. Those are the things I said to Jason. Plus I told him that I wouldn't be able to sleep well the whole night, knowing I might be missing something and obsession over whether he was asleep or awake. I could sleep with my hearing aids in, I guess, but they would whistle and I would have a restless sleep still.

Here is what I didn't say to Jason (I will, don't worry you therapists- I just took a while to realize where I am): I am scared out of my mind of having someone dependent on me when I don't know if they can be. That is why I have avoided the whole baby monitor practice thing, that is why I always seem to have someone with me when Jason is out of town. I'm avoiding my fear. I don't want to deal with it at all, and was hoping not to have to until Hunter was sleeping in and could get up and wake me up if he needed to (which is in two years??). And because I haven't communicated this to Jason, his annoyance with me is misinterpreted (by me) as a lack of compassion. I know he can't understand my fear, and sometimes I worry that he resents my dependance. THIS is the revelation of my deaf card pull today- and it was not pretty. I felt momentarily like I was somehow less capable or able to be a mother simply because I can't hear at night. This I know to be false, and as I've said countless times, deaf people have kids- so it's possible- but I never faced the fear or the reality of figuring out how to do it myself.

So I suppose I have to go tell this to Jason, get more comfortable with the monitor thing or keep my hearing aids in, etc. I have to face my fear. I have to figure it out. I can't play the deaf card this time- it played me!