This is a quote from the movie "Mrs. Doubtfire" when Robin Williams' character calls his ex-wife in different voices to answer her ad in the paper for a nanny. One call he makes and just says "I am JOB" over and over again. It is really funny.
This is the phrase that has been in my head a while for some reason- but it has more to do with NOT being the job. I recently resigned from my church job (last Monday) and my two weeks is up this Thursday. It is really really weird to me. I am no longer job. I was telling my sisters this- I no longer have a job, which used to be part of my identity, and now I don't- and I don't know if I even understand what it means. I have been given the opportunity to stay at home with Hunter and be a companion for my Grandmother who lives locally. It is a win-win situation for everyone, and I am thrilled to do it- but for some reason even writing this out here in the blog is making me anxious.
I don't believe it to be true. I don't know what I will say now when people ask me what I do. I know it is the good and best and right thing for me and my family at this point, but I can't help but think in my head.... I am job? With a definite question mark. So many things are going through my mind. Because I seem to be befuddled and anxious just thinking about it- let me tell you about it list-style:
-i am so excited about Hunter having a regular schedule and not messing with being at a work place at certain times.
-thank god i dont have to count my hours anymore
-i was working on some projects at work, will i be able to drop them now?
-i can volunteer and do good things
-i can't volunteer too muchu or else i'm just doing my job for free
-my grandmother's life is going to improve significantly!
-what if my grandmother's life doesn't improve significantly?
-Hunter will still be off schedule a little bit when we go to Grandmothers
-maybe not- he'll get used to it and nap there as well as he does here
-i am now fully responsible for the well-being of two human beings
-that is scary
-i felt responsible before anyway- now i can do it well
-will i have to have an impeccable house now?
-i can cook healthy meals- i hope
-i have way too many expectations on myself about what this "new life" will look like
-will i disappoint people? myself?
-i went to grad school and now i'm going to be a caregiver.... Im fine with that but feel like there is a little feminist in the back of my brain that says somehow i failed
-but i dont want to have a high-powered career
-but then why did i go to grad school?
-I really loved grad school.
-what do i say when people ask me what i do?
-Im a stay at home mom (SAHM), but more than that- but not that there is a "lesser" to being home.
-oh my gosh- am i really a SAHM?
- i dont want to become one of "them" (you know- the Moms that have no idea that there are other people besides their kids in the world)
i just.... whew. have a lot on my mind. this is such a huge blessing, and yet it is really messing with me. i can't put my finger on it. I want to do so much with this new freedom, but just like any freedom- there will be boundaries and brick walls and obstacles, and it hurts to run into them, and it can hurt if you run for miles without putting up a boundary.
My analogy/story: When we moved to south florida my senior year of high school, the family dog- Ginger- was totally confused. We had a back yard but no fence. All of us knew where the yard ended, but she didn't because the fence always told her. So one day she got out and ran until she found a fence. it was about 4 houses down and I had to run after her in my swimsuit as she totally ignored me. We installed an electric fence soon after and she never bothered with the border after a couple of tries. She was content in her new space and knew where the yard ended. I feel like Ginger- only I don't have my fence yet. I have to refigure my whole yard- my life- figure out where the fences are, where I can't go and where I can. I have to redefine my boundaries, redefine my freedoms, redefine my expectations, redefine my role, all while having two people (and a husband) with their own ideas and expectations. I have to figure out my identity in these new terms and satisfy myself as well as all these other folks. THAT is going to be a lot of work. And it feels like no one really gets that- I'm sure they do. I asked Jason if he had any new expectations or thoughts- he was just really excited about the possibility of me cooking dinner consistently. (I've claimed that chore but not followed through). I know it will be more complex than this.
I'm anxious.
I'm joyful.
I am job?
Many thoughts here in my head, too. A sampling:
ReplyDelete1. Feminism is about being free to choose. Watch *Mona Lisa Smile* again if you need to relearn this lesson.
2. Your house does not need to be impeccable. In fact, unless you have a hyperallergenic preemie donna baby like mine, a little dust is healthier than an impeccable house (not that my house is impeccable anyway).
3. I love *Mrs. Doubtfire,* and I love this scene.
4. Once you get into your new groove, everyone's life will improve significantly because you will be doing what you need/want/are called to do. And it helps other people. And the people you love and who love you want you to be happy. And that makes them happy. And when you are doing a job (at the church) that you don't want to be doing, you are taking someone else's ministry away from them.
5. Grad school made you who you are. And you made some awesome friends. And out of the SnowHillBert will spring the Snow-Hill family (when our kids are 30). And you did get your Mrs. degree. ;)
6. Once you get into your new groove, you will remain curious about the world around you and won't forget that everyone but Hunter and Grandmother exist.
7. I love the Ginger story.
8. Notice how I keep saying "once you get into your new groove"? Give it time.
9. It sounds to me like you feel like you need some permission (but I may just be projecting all over you). Sounds like you have that permission from everyone else. How 'bout yourself?
10. Gee, do I sound like I'm trying to convince myself to do the same thing? Hmmmm..
11. Not to add to the expectations - but I was thinking yesterday - "this is Sarah's book. Life with Grandmother and Hunter. The beginning and the end. The alpha and the omega." - even if it's "just" in your blog - I'm totally excited about reading your reflections on this new adventure!
12. Clearly, I should have just called you instead of commenting on your blog.
p.s. We need a new pic of the kids together on here. Becca doesn't always cry these days.
ReplyDeletep.p.s. I can't wait to hug Bruno's huge neck.
Love what Nancy said. Agree wholeheartedly.
ReplyDeleteAs someone who gave herself permission to be a "SAHM" a long time ago (a title I received through no fault of my own :) I am constantly convincing someone that I DO WORK (usually my grandmother). Just not for a company. And although I spend a good majority of my time being "all about the children" I try and maintain some "me"-ness when I can (sewing and cooking for others). When Moseley looks down at his car seat and spells B-R-I-T-A-X, UPSIDE DOWN, and can count to 20, I realize that my work has significance too.
This will be an amazing opportunity for Hunter to get to know his great-grandmother. And for you to spend time with both of them. Believe me, other people who are less fortunate would trade places with you in an instant! Oh, and what a perfect out to open up your former job to someone else. "Sorry peeps, I have to take care of my grandma!" No bridges burned, etc.
Love you Sarah!