The post new and expectant parents should* (not) read

We are crazy to want children. Insane. Illogical. Ridiculous. I kind of mean this. Yet, we encourage people who want to have children, we congratulate those who get pregnant or adopt, we foster the insanity. Let me explain myself. If we think of parenting purely from a logical perspective- it's a really rotten gig. Especially for women.

As a woman- if you have a child biologically- your body goes through 7 shades of crazy to get pregnant (if you're lucky). Then it goes through about a billion stretches of ... stretches (and more crazy)- to carry the baby. Don't even get me started on the absolute hilarity that is the human body giving birth to a child (forget multiples!). After this birth- you are instantaneously on the clock. Resting is a joke. (read this article on how America is especially bad at helping new moms out: http://www.breastfeeding.com/helpme/cultures.html) Sure, if you're lucky you have help. But basically your body is wrecked AND is in high demand. Everything that was normal is now not. All tightness is loose. And where you may have been loose (calm, collected, peaceful pregnant if you were so blessed)- considered yourself wound tight now. You have the exciting privilege of having the most demanding job with- no, not 1 instruction booklet- but 56 gazillion booklets. Also, every person who has any contact with you and your child has an opinion about what you should do with yourself and your child- down to your boob liquid and placenta. And because your kid is a cute baby- like walking with a puppy- people feel compelled to TALK to you and GIVE you their opinion. EVERYONE wants a piece of you. People in the store will ask you, loudly, if your baby is sleeping. When your baby is no longer sleeping and starts crying, they will look at you and say "OH, he/she must be hungry!" And in 5 seconds a complete stranger has completely altered your day's schedule and demanded you feed your baby. Remember that your hormones will be in a place where you will now assume that you are a horrible mother and are starving your baby. Or you will bitch-slap the stranger who screwed up your day. Either way, it makes you crazy.

Oh, and your husband still wants you to be intimate. That's something else entirely.

Also, once you have had even just ONE child- you have signed an invisible contract that reads: "I hereby sign away any guarantee of a full night's sleep." This is true. Sleeping through the night is a myth. Yes, children do sleep through the night. But it is NEVER a guarantee. EVER. I'm told teenagers sleep well but cause emotional stress... so I'm going to assume that the word "never" is appropriate.

So. It's settled. Having children is a really stupid thing to do. You ruin your body, you sign away sleep, and you up your budget by ... a lot. Logically, the only reason is to have someone who will take care of you when you are older (which is certainly not a guarantee), and to pass on your gene pool- if you care about things like that. Why, for the love of God, do we have children?

(Now- caveat for those without children- just because you don't have children does not mean that you are exempt from the craziness that involves being in relationship with other people- for today, I focus on parenting.)

Well, that's kind of it. For the love of God. Maybe it's *by* the love of God? Let's shift for a minute. We are God's children. God is *SOCRAZY* to have children, being all perfect and stuff. A theme that repeats throughout the bible is that God desires relationship with us. That phrase is so cliche and repeated, etc. It has lost its flavor. Let's think about it with fresh eyes. God has NOTHING to gain from us (no aging years, no genetic pool, no threat of extinction) in terms of logic. Really- we have very little to gain from having children in terms of logic as well. But we have children. We give up our very bodies and sleep! To connect. To love. Biology sort of tricks us into being pretty selfless. God has chosen to have us- knowing the craziness, knowing the odds. God wants to connect, to love. I'm having a hard time finding words with fingers that fully wrap around this idea. We *all* really are the chosen ones.

If we take this idea that being a parent, or even more simply, being in relationship with another person is solely for the sake of connecting with another and loving another- then it needs to affect how we function in those relationships.

I recently started reading some information on parenting through the lens of attachment theory, and it is rocking my world. And by rocking my world I mean, it is freakin hard! Attachment theory is a psychological theory that humans at the basic level need to connect with other humans... to attach. At the base of this theory- it makes sense to me. Theologically it makes a lot of sense to me. You can take this theory and stretch it in many ways, and some may stretch it too far (my baby can't leave my sight, ever!), but I believe a clinical grounding in attachment theory looks very close to how I believe God has made us to relate to one another and to God. This theory flows over into how we parent. I admit, reading some of the articles (found on this website: transformativeparenting.com) made me feel like I have been doing it all wrong and I've been a bad mom. In one way- it does, but in the way that matters, it doesn't. We try- we try hard. We get it right sometimes and we get it wrong, and sometimes we just need to make it through the day. (which is why I will not judge you unless you hurt your kid- because we are just trying to figure this shit out!) I am now hopefully in a place where I can do more than get through the day. By parenting through this new lens of attachment, I am much more intentional and educated in how I parent. But it is *hard*.

Essentially this theory tells me that my 3 year old is only developmentally capable of some things, and hugely in need of my connection. Granted, I knew my 3 year old wasn't going to miraculously heed every word I said and internalize it after one hearing. However, now I know that when my 3 year old hits my 9 month old, it isn't because he's an evil little creature who wants nothing more than a pound of flesh. But rather he is genuinely frustrated and his 3 year old brain translates that into hitting the object of frustration. As a mother, I can help him not be frustrated and learn more productive ways to act out his frustration. I can also stop making assumptions about him being a gremlin, and instead provide what he needs (connection and learning). I have stopped doing time out (unless of course *I* need one). Time out creates separation when the issue is that the kid is feeling separated or frustrated and in need of our help. It kind of doesn't make sense. We start to train our kids not to need to be connected. Yikes! With Hunter I saw this because he started not really caring about time out- the separation as punishment was no longer effective. This on a deeper scale is troublesome. (for those of you who do time out like the rest of the world- I really don't judge you- I'm still hammering out this concept) I have also stopped acting in a way that assumes that my 3 year old is trying to make me crazy, and rather stopped my reactions and started asking: what does HE need, why would he be doing this? I have become more pro-active as a parent. I'm providing the love and attention he *needs* before he starts acting out in its absence. I'm letting go of some of my wants during the day, because - um- I'm his Mom and I need to put him first. This new method is hard because time-outs and punishments are such a dominate part of how we do things in the world. Crime and Punishment is so easy and cut and dry. However- it isn't all that cut and dry and it might not be the right method for a three year old who is developmentally very different from a 23 year old. Figuring out what I need to be doing better to provide a learning and connecting environment for my sons is infinitely harder than saying "you're wrong- go do something you don't like." What am I teaching my children through time out? I hadn't thought of this before.

I'm still ironing out the details, and I still have much to learn on how to provide loving guidance while also maintaining discipline and boundaries. Most of all- I am struggling to figure out how to do it when I'm tired and want to check out. It is remarkably hard to be "on" when your child got out of bed for an hour and a half the night before because he decided he didn't like his bed. (which of course is not what is really going on in his 3 year old mind, but I have no magic decipher tool...) So I think you just have grace and try hard.

Want to know what I'm doing differently? I randomly give Hunter hugs and kisses when there is no reason to. Did I do that before? I thought so, but apparently not. What's the return? I get random hugs and kisses from Hunter- and not aggressive in-your-face like before, but gentle and genuine ones. I'm telling Hunter in detail what he is doing well. I'm giving Hunter time from his "offense" to connect with me so that we can be in a place where we can actually talk about what he did wrong. The return? He is actually *getting it*! He is genuinely sorry. He is telling ME what he did wrong, rather than me repeating to him what he did wrong. Again, I am still learning because the days I am not "on"- he isn't either... which is frustrating. Like the connection doesn't hold through a 5 minute phone call. I am giving him (small) choices - which I have always done, but even more so now. He is invested in more of what we do. I am playing all the little games that he wants to play and getting over my boredom of Candy Land. Because it's about him. I am thinking about parenting more intentionally. He needs exercise. He needs nutrition. He needs play. He needs to have space for creativity. I am saying all this with Hunter in mind, but as my 9 month old grows, he's getting this attention as well. He has different needs- but I'm hoping I'll be more on top of it. As both of them need me for different things and simultaneously, I'm trying to figure out what that will look like. I think there is both a learning curve and an adjustment period into this new way of parenting.

So. I was crazy. I chose to have kids. Now I have to follow up on that choice by doing my job as a parent. What do my kids need? A Mom that will connect with them. Why did I really have kids? To connect with them. So maybe I should just do it. This is when my theology of parenting comes alive. I am learning and growing as I let this sink into my every day parenting life. In the meantime I now need more than ever to feed myself in ways so that I have energy to do this parenting thing right. I need date nights. I need sleep. I need healthy food. I'm hoping I'll figure out how to do the dishes and pay attention to my kids. In the meantime, I'll default to my kids and figure it out as I go along.

When we have kids and don't connect with them- we're defeating the very purpose of having them.

Parenting is HARD. Especially if you want to be a good parent. But, we as humans want to connect. We crave it. God has made us in God's image. We need each other and God, just like God needs us. I'm trying to live that out. Thoughtful parenting is one way I'm trying to do it. Is parenting this way exhausting? Hell yes. But so is any other way.

By the way - this is how my mother did it. Damn if she's always right.

PS- in case you missed the WORK IN PROGRESS hints... I'm still stumbling and leaping along. Any thoughts? What are your experiments in parenting? What have you been learning?