Worry

I do not suffer from anxiety. In fact, I might suffer from too little of it: apathy.  The way I handle anxiety or worry is by not caring about it anymore. This can be really helpful- or totally not a good idea. I have a LOT of things that I don't care about right now, which really means that I am deeply worried about a lot of things that I had to pretend don't exist to stay sane.

The other day I did a brief inventory of "expensive things we'll need to replace soon." That inventory got thick real fast, and the replace-by-date jumped right in front of my face like those stupid Halloween zombie actors. It scared the shit out of me. I dealt with it two ways: by texting my sisters that I was having a mid-life crisis and by declaring that everything is meaningless.

Neither were very effective. I will still need to buy: hearing aids, a car (maybe), new computers, and a new cell phone in the ridiculously near future. And keep paying taxes and being generous and shit.

The optimistic person would count their blessings. Remember that they won't starve. Come up with a systemic plan to possibly relax the chokehold. Hold a bake sale or yard sale. Things like that.

I'm not an optimist. I'm a realist. I know that everything will break in a three-month period, and that taxes will also be due then. So I'm 100% sure that I will have to go into debt or figure out how to function without a car (very seriously considering that already), or how to function without both hearing aids, or sell a kidney on the black market. Maybe my husband and I will share a computer and a car and a phone.

Once my brain is overwhelmed by the worry it starts shutting down. It says: woah Nelly! This is just to darned much! We're gonna just go watch a movie, eat some Cheezits, and then have an early bedtime sweet cheeks. When you wake up in the morning, you won't remember a thing. And she'll be right. Sweet little brain of mine. She tries.

But worry induced amnesia isn't a good thing, right? I mean - I'm definitely asking for me. It has been rather helpful, and the truth is that I have yet to starve or go into debt- which is basically the definition of stability and privilege. Don't get me wrong, I save money and am cheap as they come. I'm not just amnesia spending money with no regard. But I'm also not facing things.

Wait, maybe my worry method is fine. I stop worrying, everything works out, and if it doesn't- it wasn't for lack of planning. Maybe worry-amnesia is GOOD!

Not every psychosis is bad.