deaf superpower: Missing Out

The other side of being hyper-observant is missing out. I know that *something* is going on, but unless I get the scoop, I miss out on the details.

This is an odd take, but I stand by it: I missed a lot as a kid (still do as an adult), and a lot of it was worth missing.

Whispers? Rumors? Gossip? Missed most of that shit. 

I was never in the know, never up to speed on the lingo, trend, story, whatever was traveling along hushed whispers and mumbled stories at the lunch table. And I was better for it. 

Ignorance was bliss. I didn’t know if someone was laughing at me or the dork next to me. Thank God. We were all dorks, anyway.

I didn’t have access to the *DRAMAAAA* and therefore didn’t get drowned in the drama. My childhood was fairly drama-free.

Even as a teenager, the edge was shaved off by my lack of access to the underground of shenanigans. My parents, undoubtedly, did not mind.

A few years ago my high school graduating class celebrated our 20 year anniversary. I couldn't make the reunion, but enjoyed seeing the current and "throwback" pictures that everyone posted in our Facebook group. 

But it was kinda hard to look at sometimes. So many pictures were of parties and gatherings that I most definitely was *not* invited to. I saw groups of folks that were friends, hanging out at someone's house. But I wasn't there. 

Some were from my senior year when I was indeed, not there. (I had moved with my family- but then I came back to graduate- it was weird but it worked.) But many were from the years that I was most certainly around.

I'll be honest, I felt sad about this, like, why wasn't I invited?! But I think part of the answer is that I wasn't clued in. I didn't connect to the undercurrent of whatever was happening, so I missed the organic process of knowing where the hang out was. 

Also I was a churchy girl, so they probably assumed I wasn't interested. At the time, this was mostly true. It was a good thing I didn't go to those parties. I would've hated every minute and been super awkward about it.

I went through my wild stage in seminary, which was a much better age and group to be wild with. (Seriously, the BEST parties.)

Here's the thing, I didn't know I missed the parties until about 20 years later. I would have been devastated at the time to know how much I was missing out. 

What a delightful gift, to only learn I was left out when I am emotionally capable of processing the fact. The parties I was not invited to were hosted by people I wasn't that close to, it was not any real betrayal or conspiracy. 

All I really missed out on was the drama.

Why didn't I even know about the parties? Parties are whispered about. For me: whispers are indiscernible, even with hearing aids. 

If you have ever whispered anything to me in my entire life and I “understood," I was absolutely faking it. I didn’t hear and have learned not to care. Most whispers are not that important.

Quick tutorial on etiquette for deaf and hard-of-hearing folks. If we missed it and say “what?” and you say “nevermind,” or “it wasn’t that important,” we immediately hate dislike you. It’s so dismissive. 

By saying "nevermind" you’re deciding whether we are worthy to have access to what you said. Even if it IS stupid, you said it, so we deserve to decide for ourselves how dumb it is. 

If you continually whisper and mumble important things, we stop hanging out with you. It’s just way too much work. I thought about making this paragraph less bitchy but decided against it.

You know what else I missed out on? 

Most of the dialogue in movies and TV shows. Without captioning, it's truly a guess at 75% of what people are saying. I am *not* your go-to for pop-culture trivia. 

My lack of access to closed captioning meant that misogyny and racism in television and movies was muted. Not a miss. 

SO many sexualized jokes and innuendos that I missed not only because of my naivety, but because I literally didn’t hear it. 

Same with racist comments or homophobic comments, I missed so much of that. I’m not saying I missed racism, homophobia, and sexism altogether, I’m just saying I didn’t get as much as my hearing friends.

I missed some good stuff, I’m sure, but so much of the noise out there is pure noise, and I’m OK with missing a mountain of it. 

Here's a good story of missing out: my great-grandfather, August, grew up in Berlin, Germany and had a sledding accident when he was a child. He broke his leg so severely that he was bed-ridden for months. During that time he read books to keep himself occupied. 

August became a journalist. His broken leg healed slowly, it was a good inch or two shorter than the other. This mild handicap disqualified him from serving in either world war. His journalism career, however, allowed him to get out of Germany (although he did get stuck in Amsterdam under Nazi rule), and eventually to the US with a job at a newspaper. 

I say those were good misses. All because of a short leg.

Growing up, I also spent lots of time reading. My cleverness with words and editing is probably at least partly a result of my deafness. If I wasn’t deaf, would I want to spend hours in silence with a book that was my easiest access to stories? Not sure, but it makes me wonder.

Sometimes missing out on stuff is a good thing. I'm grateful for my deaf superpower of missing out. I don't catch all the drama. I don't shoulder all the needless worrying of details that don't really concern me.

I'm also used to not getting the whole story. FOMO does not have a hold on me because I've been MO all my life. No fear of it here. That's freedom for me.

Did you miss anything that may have contributed to who you are today? It’s fun to wonder.