How to not be an Asshole to your kids

If you're an asshole, they'll be assholes. 

So I came up with this list of how not to be an asshole to your kid. 

Partly to remind myself, partly to feel good about my parenting, and partly to be helpful. You can decide the percentages.

Chores!

1) Be honest.  

Chores suck, don't expect them to love them. You don't, why would they? Commiserate with them and then share the load. 

2) Delegate. 

DO give them chores for the love of God. They will be assholes if they don't learn the essentials of how to be a human and take care of shit and be in community.   

But scale it down from Cinderella to... I don't have a fictional character to point to- but the one Disney should use to show a normal person helping out.

          3) Communicate. 

If your kid is overwhelmed, listen to them and work with them on how to make it manageable. Don't be all overwhelmed yourself and expect them to just handle it like you're (not) handling it. Delegate, communicate, and treat your whole house like a group of humans who are all capable but not servants. Mmkay? Remember - you also have to not be a servant. 

There's actually a lot here in the chores section that I could talk about- but imma move on.

Electronics!

1) Be realistic.

It is actually annoying to work on something for 55 minutes and be two minutes away from the "save and quit" and someone is screaming at you. 

Why are video games made like this? To piss us all off. 

But it's not your fault (unless you design video games- and then I ASK YOU WHY). It's also not your kid's fault. Give like five minute warnings? I don't know. Figure it out. 

Even if you think video games are weird and lame and your parents didn't let you play except for Dr. Mario and Tetris and Super Mario Brothers on your gameboy (just an example)- have some grace and come up with a system that doesn't involve screaming. You know how they say "just a sec!" You do it too. So... work it out. 

This is my least helpful section- I know.

2) Give yourself a break.

Obviously the time of quarantine was a time to throw all the rules out the window as far as screen time. 

If it wasn't for you: dear God honey- go watch ALL of the Lord of the Rings movies (extended version), and the Hobbit movies, and then also the Harry Potter movies. You earned that screen time.

For the rest of us: it's maybe still OK to have less rules. My family watches SO many movies together. Is it lazy? Maybe. Is it fun? Yes. Are the children and adults happy? We are. So I'm not going to be an asshole to myself OR my kids if we want to watch a movie. Call it theatre if you need to feel better about it. 

My main point: the screen time you're stressing about is probably not as bad as you think. 

Emotions!

1) Allow space for it. 

Just because it makes you uncomfortable, doesn't mean they're bad. It's OK if it makes you feel uncomfortable, but don't throw that on your kid. Go be uncomfy in the bath, or outside, something. 

Emotions are part of the essence of being human, so if you try to lock that shit down, you're locking your human down. Don't do that. 

Kid is freaking out over losing their ice sword in the video game? Absolutely that is the lamest thing- BUT- if they can't figure out how to be sad/mad/frustrated and then move on from the ice pick loss- then you got problems in your future. 

2) Don't judge. 

Don't judge the emotion or the reason, just give space for the kid to process the important thing in their life- even if it's not your important thing. 

My sisters are therapists and said that emotions have like a 90 second cycle. If you accept the emotions and don't try to make it something else, they resolve like an ocean wave. Or maybe they don't. But have you ever tried to manipulate an ocean wave? Just ride it and hug and breathe. 

If your kid learns to have emotions without locking it down or escalating it - then their emotions will function the way they are supposed to: as a temporary and therapeutic response to the situation at hand. They might not do "emotion right" all the time, that's OK- that's literally what childhood is about- learning. They learn through experience, not micromanagement. 

Help your kid not be a zombie robot or hot mess. If you are a zombie robot or hot mess, try being less of an asshole to yourself. It takes time and practice. You can start at 40, and it'll take time. But there's hope! 

If you let kids feel free to process a hard thing emotionally now - they won't have to do all the hard work like you're having to at 40. How nice is that?! Stop the cycle and don't be an asshole.

Body!

1) STOP TALKING MEAN

To yourself. Yup. I know you don't say nasty things to your kids. If you do- stop that rightthisminute. You might be doing it not on purpose, like: "Ooh, I wouldn't eat that, you've put on some weight! You cute chunk!" Doooonnnn'ttt saaaayyyyy thhhaaaaat. 

If your kid grows up hearing you say "I'm fat, I hate my thighs, My face is weird, I can't take good pictures" they are going to absolutely believe all of that and more about themselves. 

Why? Because you look perfect to them until you tell them you aren't. Once they realize that their own beautiful parents are ugly, they will automatically assume they are. That's all super bullshit. 

Don't be an asshole to yourself, and you will automatically not be an asshole to your kid. 

Take pictures. When you look dumb in a picture- laugh- because you are a fucking human and no one is paying you to take a picture in the moonlight. 

You are documenting the fun time you're having. If your face is funny- you have captured the fun time you are having while making a funny face. Why are you taking it so seriously? (I mean- I'm no idiot, I grew up in the US as a girl- I get it.) But for real, fake it if you don't believe it yet. Talk about yourself like you are a goddamn movie star!

2) Body, Not appearance

Think about it this way, if all of a sudden you could hear turkeys talking and half of what they talked about was the size and color of their feathers, weird thing on their throat, whatever, you would be like: DUDES- NO ONE CARES. That's us. We're the idiots. 

Now, can you take those feathers and make art with it? Absofuckinglutely. I want to see Turkey artists now... 

You ARE art! But you are not a commercial or a product. You get me? JOY with art.

So when you talk to your kiddos about their body: talk about function (and art if they like that). Your nose is to smell. Your ass is to cushion your sitting and expel the literal shit your body doesn't need. (Maybe use different words). 

Try to make your language and conversation around bodies be about the actual body, and not always the appearance. It's such a default for us. Lips: LUSCIOUS. No- speaking, eating, kissing, delish. See the difference? It's so much more fun to see the body as this masterful organism that does SO many cool things (we self-heal- that's amazing). 

3) Normal Real Words 

Do use normal words, please for the love of all that is holy. There are VERY real safety reasons why your kid needs to know the real words for things, but also it's just annoying when a kid says his "boo boo" and his means his penis. Like- I was looking for a scratch but now I'm confused. 

ALSO- and this is especially for girls, please teach them what is actually in their body - I still look at a chart of my lady organs and get lost. I know there are books that help with this. Check those books out of the library. 

Talk about bodies with real words, real functions, and real joy. 

Think about the Wild Kratt brothers and how geeked out they get about the immortal jellyfish - do that with your own body. (Go look up those guys- they're delightfully cheesy.)

I'm sure there's more to this, but I ran out of steam. 

If you haven't figured it out yet, a lot of not being an asshole to your kids is really not being an asshole to yourself. If your kid asks you if the microwave would work when the power went out, refrain from making them feel like an idiot. (It was hard, but I did it.)

We all have said and done stupid things, your home should be the SAFEST place to be an idiot. Make it safe for yourself too.