Grandmother- denial stage

My Grandmother died on December 7th, 2011 at 7:15am. My Mom called me at 7:19am to tell me.

As I sit to write this (writing as an act of grief), I am pretty sure that I still haven't quite grasped the concept that my Grandmother is gone. Life goes on so quickly, you hardly have time to even think the words "gone" and "died." All you get is "dinner" and "funeral" and "sorry" and "Christmas shopping." The last few days I have been lethargic, not having the will or the energy to do much of anything productive. I don't think it is another grieved depression like I experienced with Memaush, but instead I think my soul doesn't know how else to slow down other than to turn off. It doesn't work of course. Turning off means the thoughts turn to "oh crap, I didn't make dinner." I'm jealous of my sister, my parents are with her for the weekend to celebrate her daughter's 1st birthday. They will be sharing stories, offering hugs, being together in a moment of grief and celebration. I feel isolated up here, with no one who shares my memories. The phone is a gift, but no substitute for the dinner table.

Grandmother was my last living grandparent- maybe that is part of the reason why I am so slow on the uptake here- it's the end of a significant part of my life and who I am. Her death was neither a surprise nor an expectation. She got sick, and any time an 89 year old gets sick- there really is no telling which way it will go. She slowly breathed her last while holding the hand of my mother- the daughter she never had (she always said this about my Mom as her daughter-in-law).

It was time. She was ready. I still need space to let it fill my mind, my memories, my heart, my soul. I still need the space to find the period rather than the leaving it at a ...

I'll write more when I'm ready.