A brief post script to yesterday's post... I had a comment on my blog from yesterday (which I published) that said: "Why don't you just give yourself a break? I think all grieving sucks. If your kids and dog are fed, then sit in the dark in your want." (I'm guessing she meant to write "if you want") This deserves a little response.
I write the struggle because even though I am frustrated, self-deprecating, self-defeated, and dulled... I *know* that this is where I am and that the only way out is through- so I have to go ahead and fight through it. This is not a cliche- it's true and it is hard. One of the things I have learned through the rough spots is that the struggle is necessary. If I don't fight and struggle, I lose. So- what I expressed in the blog was my way of fighting through it- voicing it gave me power and the depression ridiculousness. I know I need to grieve, I know I need grace. But my grace comes by the fist and yell here. If I stop moving and sit in the dark- I lose. The kids and dog being fed is not enough. Life does not give me space to be depressed- so when I experience it- it hurts and inconveniences. When I experience it, my kids do not have some innate ability to stop being 3 years old and 8 months old. They whine, spike fevers, want to play and cut in new teeth. This is the hardest part. But it is also the struggle that keeps me going- keeps me moving through to the other side. I cannot sit in the dark. I also don't really want to sit in the dark. I want to live my life. SO I struggle. I grow. It hurts. And like I fool- I do it in public at the smallest hope that even in my darkness- I give light to someone going through a similar thing. It feels embarrassing, but I refuse to hide it and go sit in the dark. I won't give in. This is not about grieving- this is about the darker shadow of depression that tries to piggyback on my grief. I'm shining a big fat spotlight on this thing- and I'm going to make it through.
The struggle is necessary. I don't want to sit in the dark.
I think you are right, that the struggle is necessary. Unfortunately life does not pause as storms pass through, it seemingly serves only to bring up the winds a little stronger. I was recently comforted, yes, comforted by this passage in Matthew:
ReplyDelete“Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.”
-Matthew 7:24-27
We often focus on the obvious analogy: That Christ is our rock and we build our lives upon Him. Absolutely true and I believe that. What we often overlook is the beginning. Even though the first man was wise and DID build his house on the rock...the storm still came! He still had to hunker down, gather his family and listen to the rain and wind beat against the house, he still had to watch as the water rose higher and higher.
It's a reminder of the truth of the gospel! You don't get Christ and then everything is magically ok. It's that you get Christ and no matter what happens He is enough.
If we hold to the truth that God IS good and He does love us and that there is NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, then the struggles of this life are ultimately for our good and His glory.
Easier said outside of the struggle, but i've been in the middle of it. Hope without suffering....isn't hope!
Praying for you, my friend!