I am so unoriginal. A week after my Grandmother's death and I feel: numb. I am struggling to find the space to grieve... something inside of me is blocking the channels- and I mean brick wall block. I have sort of been dazed these last several days. I finally got some actual tasks accomplished a couple days ago- which wore me out until today I am doing laundry again. I have yet to have made dinner. I think that's my signal to myself- when I have all the ingredients and a willing helper- but still don't make dinner. I suck at grieving. Just cry, dammit! It's the numbness that is allowing myself to hover over myself in this weird "look how stupid you are" way.
I am currently enjoying a hot chocolate with bailey's in it at oh say- 3pm. It's 5 o'clock....somewhere? The sky is the perfect depressing color of grey. It's almost laughable how predictable all of this is. Mom called today to let me know that I will be receiving Grandmother's ashes in the mail towards the end of this week, maybe early next week. Really?! It's macabre! My Grandmother will be delivered to me in the mail. In a box. And I have no emotion. I think part of my soul is SO afraid of getting all gross and depressed that it is trying to protect me from the grief. Stupid soul- if I don't feel it- it will come out some other way! Release! Drop it! Let go!
Part of my extended denial stage is the result of a strange sort of isolation and limbo-land. I am no less than 12 hours driving from any one member of my family. Sure- at least we're on the same coast, yadda yadda. Guess what? It sucks for me, so it sucks. We're in limbo because Grandmother will be buried in Arlington cemetery - the national one. Did you know that there is a wait list for burial? It will be no less than a month, maybe up to 2-3 months wait. We don't even know that for sure because the cemetery sent my Dad an *EMAIL* saying: um- we have no freakin idea when your turn will be... but we'll contact you...eventually. So- no service in sight. No plans to instruct my soul on proper grieving time. My family wishes to do the whole thing at once since traveling twice is not easy or cheap and people want to be at both the memorial service and burial. I get it- but come March, if I don't do something now- it's going to be an emotional whiplash.
So I've decided to have my own memorial service. I need to knock the wall over somehow. When Grandmother comes in the mail- I'll talk to her and come up with a plan. Then I'll play some songs, say a prayer, write a note- I don't know- SOMETHING. Because numbness is not how we humans were made to be. I'm fighting it. I'm sure sometime next week I'll be a blubbery mess and be so angry at myself for wanting it. But it sure beats this crap. I'm done with grey skies and pizza. I want homemade vegan meals, sunshine or a thunderstorm- hell- give me a fat snowstorm. (bring it) I want crying and no mascara wearing days. I want to heal. And I don't want to wait until Arlington National Cemetery calls to start my journey. So shove it- understaffed important cemetery.
So there. Maybe I'm angry now. No. Not really. Still numb- but I feel it rising.
Oh, Sarah. What a crappy deal. Bad enough, the waiting for months...but for it to be an indeterminate amount of time? Ouch.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely have your own personal memorial when the ashes arrive. Your soul will thank you for it. Then, sometime in the future, your whole family can remember together at her service. Maybe by then it can be more of a celebration of life than a funeral?
Praying for your peace,
Becki
Sarah,
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry about your Grandmother. She was such a sweet lady. I wish you were closer to the rest of your family! We love you,
Stuart & Suzanne
When I lost my very dear grandmother, I did not cry at the funeral. I did not cry when I held my family members. I cried alone in the bedroom several days later. I don't know if it was because my muscles had to untense first or because I had finally found it unfair that I couldn't call her, but my message to you is that you may not have control over when that happens, and that powerlessness is awful. You can cry at a sad movie, you can seek comfort in dozens of ways, but limbo has a funny way of not resolving when you want it to. If it helps, know that things change all the time and it's okay to wait on that change.
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