Losing Faith

Isaiah 46:4 4 Even to your old age and gray hairsI am he, I am he who will sustain you.I have made you and I will carry you;I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

It's hard to write light in dark corners- especially hard for me it seems. It feels like darkness is more powerful than light. Lately I have been witness to what I will describe as the wretchedness of us. By "us" I mean humanity- by wretchedness I think I mean simply selfishness. So many words of others come to my mind- and unfortunately so many words of defeat are swirling around like truth in my head. I feel like I am losing my faith in people to be good. I wanted to be like Anne Frank- face the devil and still come up hopeful. It seems even the little things make me sad about people. I go between compassion for their obvious grief and shroud of darkness to anger over their complete disregard for anyone other than themselves. I found myself saying - "I mean, really? Seriously? You've got to be kidding me."

I cant name all the hurts I've seen- but an example is my Memaush (grandmother). She was in an assisted living facility until last week. She is supposed to be checked on every two hours- and she has difficulty moving. Her mind is sharp and her heart is full. Last week she was neglected- to put it simply. The staff did not help her to bed or check on her at all throughout the night, even after she pulled her "help" cord repeatedly. She had to use the restroom and managed to get herself there but fell on her way back. She lay on the bathroom floor over 5 hours. The staff foud her the next morning bleeding with a huge knot in her head- she had a broken wrist, and lacerations all over her legs. She is now in a nursing/rehab place. Even now writing about this angers me to the point that my fingers are jittery. That's why this verse that my sister, Kelly blogged about gave me some comfort. The problem is that we have been entrusted with the spirit of God, we have been trusted to be the body of Christ- and I have a new understanding of blasphemy...it's not just saying some random curse word in conjunction with God's name- it is claiming to be human and good and neglecting another. What is scary is that we are all guilty of this in one way or the other... but I'd like to think I'm at least thinking about it- I'm at least trying. I'm at least open to suggestions. There are some people (and even some times) when we get so soaked in dark corners- that all we see is ourselves and our own convenience. When I think of the tiniest effort it would have been for the staff at this assisted living place that would have prevented my Memaush's immense pain, my family's immense strain and tension, I can't help but think they are clueless about other people. I just get so discouraged sometimes- the people I am fighting for- the God I am serving- they all seem to let me down. It feels like grief. It looks like enlightenment or intro to cynicism 101. I just want to have joy and do good. I want to believe this scripture, but my theology is so incarnational (God is with us, acts through us) that I really need humanity to kick it up a notch.... then of course- there is always the mirror I need to look in. Where am I unaware of my extreme selfishness? Where am I neglecting? How do I find that balance of doing things for others and yet sustaining any sense of myself.

hunter is awake from his nap- i have to stop my thinking here. I guess to sum it all up- I'm disappointed in people, which makes me a little disappointed in God's ability to work through andwith people. disenchanted- if that's a word.