I have been thinking about my boys and how I am so glad I have boys (see my previous posts where I am aghast at short and tight outfits for girls). I recognize that having boys does not exclude me from teaching them about women's issues. The problem is: how? How do I raise a boy to respect women, but keep him from getting the snot beat out of him in 3rd grade for being a feminist? I don't think that being a feminist is a bad thing- I just know that especially with young children, subtlety goes much further than anything that may be construed as flat-out brainwashing. So the answer to raising a female-positive-thinking boy is not to verbally explain in great and emphatic detail about how women should be treated and what the world has done wrong. I also can't depend only on the grace and respect that my husband shows towards me every day (which is definitely an example that will hold a lot of sway, don't get me wrong). It has to be deeper, more elementary and involved. More basic and profound. It has to feel like an everyday duh.
I asked out loud to Jason how we could teach our boys to respect females. He said this perfect (I think) answer: make sure they have girls as friends.
This is it. How do we learn to respect others? How do we learn to embrace differences? By engaging in relationship with the others, with the different ones. Of course! I don't need to lecture my boys on women's rights - let their friends do it for me! I don't need to tell my boys that girls don't have to play with kitchens- let the preschool girl get on the floor with my son and rev up those car engines just as loudly as he does. I don't have to explain that girls have dreams that might not fit stereotype, let the girl tell my son she wants to be an astronaut. At age 3, Hunter can learn basics on how to respect women- amazing!
Imagine as the kids grow older. Having a girl as a friend should feel normal and continue to be encouraged. When a girl is going through a tough time, my son can see it from a friends' perspective. Developing and maintaining friendships with a diverse group of kids is probably the best life preparation tool for a child! The next step is figuring out how to encourage that- but I have a feeling it is a little more organic and requires only that I also broaden my spectrum.
This is good. It relieves some of the pressure and I feel like I can relax a little. I'm sure the time will come when I have to have some conversations with my boys about what is appropriate and what is right, but in the meantime- I'm going to trust YOUR strong, independent and wonderful girls to do the groundwork. Meanwhile I will continue to work on my person, engaging myself in the things that fulfill me. I will work on my marriage, working on it in ways that show my boys that relationships are meaningful, uplifting, worth the work and full of joy and mutual respect. I will work on my speech, speaking affirmations for differences and girls and boys.
What do you think?
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