Am I a Bad Mother?

Just a little tid-bit I have to share before I take a much needed nap (that's another tid-bit).

Yesterday was a typical Sunday, where in the morning Jason leaves early to go to church and I put my hearing aid in to listen for Hunter while sleeping in a bit longer (I hope). Hunter started doing his typical "talking" wake up a little before 8:30. This is the way he wakes up every morning- and I let him talk for a little bit before I pick him up: 1) because I think it teaches him patience that I don't rush in as soon as he makes a peep, 2) there is a slight, offchance possibility that he'll go back to sleep- and I don't want to interrupt that! 3) I think he needs time to wake up before I stick my big face in his view- I've needed to picked him up right away before- and he always seems a little disoriented if he doesn't have proper "talking" time. So- I give him some talking time.

Somehow I fell back asleep during talking time for about 5 minutes and I woke up to silence. No talking baby on the other side. Here are my thoughts in chronological order:

"did he fall back to sleep?"
"is he alive? did he suffocate on his stuffed animal?"
"I can't believe I fell back to sleep, am I a bad mother?"
"If he is asleep, I could go back to sleep, that would be nice."
"I should really check to make sure he's alive."

so I got up, brushed my teeth (habit) and went into his room to find the door already open and the crib empty. My brain is empty, but in the back of my head I know that Jeremy has him. I go to the kitchen, and there is Hunter in his Bumbo- perfectly content to watch Jeremy make breakfast.

Jeremy is the brother-in-law of one of my best friends from college. He's staying with us for a few months as he transitions from the west cost to his new job here (his wife and dogs will follow once they get a house and all is in place). Jeremy is the perfect roommate- he likes kids (aka - the scene in the kitchen), he likes dogs and can handle our St. Bernard, Bruno (bonus- his wife is a vet), and he totally plays nerdy card and strategy games with us! Ok, back to the kitchen scene...

I see Hunter in the Bumbo smiling and Jeremy doing his thing and here are my thoughts in chronological order:

"I should have felt fear but it evaporated before I had the chance- am I a bad mother?"
"I totally didn't notice that Hunter was picked up from his crib- am I a bad mother?"
"He seems really happy, that's so nice, I kinda wish I had slept longer... am I a bad mother?"
"Dang it, I can't even go back to sleep now, because then I'll really look like a bad mother."

I smiled, thanked Jeremy and tried to reassure him that he actually didn't scare me as badly as he thought he did- in fact - I was a little embarrassed at how not afraid I was. I'll pretend my motherly instinct knew all was well.

And a thought that occurs even now...

"I wonder if I can arrange it so that Jeremy picks him up first thing and I just set my alarm for when Hunter should eat.... wait- dang it- I am a bad mother."

The verdict is in- I need some sleep. I'm going to go take a nap.