Lenten Failures

As I start this entry- I'm pretty sure I hear Hunter trying to poop over the monitor. So we'll see how this goes. He should be sleeping- not pooping. Although he could probably use to poop. Moving along.

This Lent I have done nothing to spiritually prepare myself for Easter and all its conundrums. I have not given one thing up- I have not taken one thing on- I have not even really seriously considered doing any of the above. This is what I will call spiritual apathy- perhaps the deadliest sin in the book. Deadly really only to my soul and yet apathy reigns.

I thought briefly that perhaps trying to be more positive this Lent would be beneficial to my soul and to God (as I probably spit on my blessings more than count them). Have I done this? Of course not- because my habits are way more towards the negative side and it takes a lot of work to break a habit. I am like a manic-depressant in my spiritual walk- I get highs and lows. Lately with the Spring threatening to never arrive, a teaser vacation with family in Florida, a sinus-sick husband and a house that is a wreck- I'm frankly at a low. See- if I go back through that sentence, sunshine Sarah can find all the things I could be thankful for- but apathy Sarah silences her.

I think Hunter may need my assistance. Poor guy. At least I don't have to learn to poop.

3 hours later... (and no poop)

So I'm apathetic this Lent. Nothing to bring to Easter. I will be one of those people that comes to Easter from across the street instead of from a journey. It will be too easy to rejoice and sing Hallelujah because I'll barely have noticed I hadn't said it for a while. Here's the kicker- somewhere inside I feel justified. I feel like the weather, my transitions in life- all the things apathetic and negative Sarah focuses on- are enough Lenten journey for me. I know this isn't true because being frustrated and down with rainy days does not equal spiritual transformation. I'm not saying one has to be happy to be spiritual- nor must one be miserable- but at least in whatever season- intentional. I am not being intentional about anything. It drives me crazy.

I was home (as in parent's home) last week. My mother's house is beautifully decorated, impeccably clean and wonderfully welcoming. I would say that she has more time, money and resources to make this happen - but my sister's house is the same and she lacks most of those things. I'm lacking ambition. Or is it drive? No- more like action. I have all the things that are predecessors to great action like ambition and motivation and desire, etc. The one thing I lack as I sit here on my bed with the rain slowly falling outside is honest to goodness kick me in the butt action.

Here's the sad part- I had action. After I had Hunter, and even before- I was motivated and actually moved into action. Things were getting done- I wasn't my usual apathetic self and I actually had a somewhat clean house, clothes, and even was getting the meal-time thing down. Now I'm drowning in unfiled papers, dust, dog-hair and frozen meats that I keep forgetting to put out for dinner. What happened?!

I have some thoughts: 1) the adrenaline ran out and I became me again (I hope this is not the case- I liked the other girl) 2) Winter happened. (I believe this) 3) Work happened (affirm this theory) 4) I got the flu- I say this because I did and it knocked me out for 3 weeks- and perhaps that broke all my new good habits and got me feeling lazy- and of course things piled up and got overwhelming when I couldn't keep up with it. I don't know what the culprit is.

But here's what I'm hoping for- in my Lenten failures I still have room to hope- that spring will come soon- that I will get another adrenaline rush enough to get it all back on track, that work will un-happen, and that the "me" I face come Easter will be that energetic and non-apathetic woman I met a few months ago before all this Lenten failure happened. Maybe I can blame Lent! My soul needs Easter. My body needs the sun. My mind needs to decide and move.

I really have nothing to blame as nothing is all I've been doing. May Easter bring something.