Blank

So if my blog had empty pages for each day- I would have some serious blanks over the last week. I think these blanks resemble my blank face these days. Not blank... I just don't feel like I have much new to write about (in terms of life happenings) and I'm nt sure I'm ready to delve into the stuff I do have to write about (in terms of soul happenings)- so I come up blank. Maybe this is a unique form of writer's block... Not that I have nothing to say- but I'm avoiding it.

Jason and I had a nice talk last night- the kind that isnt emotionally upsetting- but emotionally revealing... the kind that isn't centered on church stuff- but open to some hopeful thoughts on it.... the kind that was just a nice genuine conversation.

Some things that came out of it: I'm frustrated to be put on hold for working toward my new sense of calling (chaplaincy) and from the bowels of my own self-doubt and distrust- I fear that the fire will be gone from this moment when/if I get a chance to pursue it. I'm apathetic about writing. Have always wanted to write/get published at some point- and even though people tell me I'm a good writer- I don't believe them. I know I'm not a bad writer. I see many pieces of crap published (and selling!) everyday. But I also see the good stuff- and I'm so not there. Of course my stupid mind says it's all or nothing. I either write the next great american novel (if that exists anymore) or I sit around and putz away on my blog and not worry about it.

The place where dwell dreams, callings, confidence, ability and timing is a cosmic mess. Who is there to iron it out for us? Who is there to help us navigate the chaos and pull strings when we need to? I hope God- I expect God- I need God. But I can't see the mess- I just know it's there and I'm floating in what feels like the wrong corner of it.