Hormones?

This is the only explanation I have for what has been going on with me emotionally over the last few months (or decades)... I feel like a ping-pong ball: back and forth, up and down. Give it a rest! I feel significantly better about life today and yesterday than I did, say the last time I posted. Nothing other than a nice day at home with the hubby and a good cry Sunday to get me all sorted out.

I am wondering if this is the main difference between this pregnancy and the last one (other than the fact that I still haven't ballooned up and Hunter definitely got me fat quick)... maybe it's the hormones. My last pregnancy I felt fairly stable. This one- stability is an illusion. Who knows.

Sunday was All Saints day at our church - a time to recognize the saints who have gone before us, particularly those who have died in the last year. It struck me that Memaush died almost exactly a year ago. It'll be a year on November 21st. I have the paradoxical feeling of nearness and distance to that time and those emotions. When we were encouraged to think of our "saints" during the service- it was too painful for me to bring Memaush in full color. I could only stand a brief glimpse, hardly was able to write her name on the index card. She was such a presence in my life. During communion- I got to do one of my favorite things- help serve- and it about broke my heart. This church has grieved over the years- but particularly this year, we lost some foundational people. I could hardly bring myself to look at the faces and eyes of those grieving, some who I knew had a fresh grief, some who were grieving deaths that happened years ago and still feel just as unfair and untimely today. I got through the entire congregation before nearly losing it on the last one... then I fumbled my way to the altar with my little index card with the name Memaush scribbled on it. Jason and Tim offered me communion (seems I ran away before they could get it to me). I tasted juice, bread and tears. I conveniently needed to go to the bathroom and let myself choke in a few sobs before I collected myself to go back out. I had no idea my grief was still so whole.

The strange part was that later, I felt a little lighter. Jason and I got to go on an impromptu dessert date when a college kid was in town and staying with us. Afterwards we let our friend's dogs out and watched the tail end of a movie as the dogs meandered around outside. The end of the movie came with credits and a fun song- and Jason jumped up and started dancing. I laughed. A real laugh. It was fresh and new.

I'm teaching a class on the beatitudes, and I do believe I'll get more out of it than anyone else. I couldn't help but remember the promise from Jesus: blessed are you who mourn, for you shall laugh.

So with my hormones unpredictable, my grief still raw, my purpose questionable, I've decided maybe it's time to start being practical about it. I do better when I have a plan- even if it falls through- it guides me for a short time. I have a meal plan for the next week and a half and a grocery list. I even have a working chore list. Already some of it has been altered- but I have felt better having something. SO for my attitude? Maybe I need some infusion of truth, infusion of good. So, I'm going to try to at least bring one verse or quote to mind every day. I'm accepting all good things from others- give me your favorite verse. Give me your favorite short story. Give me your favorite quote. Remind me of the light. Warm my heart.