This is one of those little things that has been dangling on my radar ever since I had my first son. The phrase "boys will be boys" is often quipped when a boy is being obnoxiously rough or plain stupid. I think we can do better. Boys can do better and we as parents, peers, weird aunts and uncles, can do better.
However, I struggle with the boundary between playfulness and roughness. I want my sons to be playful. I want my sons to be gentle. I want my sons to be able to stand up for what's right, and I don't expect them to be immune to the temptation to elbow someone in the face for being a jerk...(in fact, I may have to stifle a smile when they do it). Right now I have a sweet three year old who is a big boy- and by big I mean he is in the 90-98 percentile for height and weight. He's no shrimp among peers. My almost 9 month old looks to be shaping up about the same. The other day my oldest was wrestling another child to the ground. He was not doing it with a mean spirit- but the kid was definitely pinned to the ground. I intervened and told him to be gentle. Someone at a different time told of a similar thing happening between my son and their daughter and was happy about it- saying how their daughter was no frail thing and they were having fun. OK. But. I don't want my son pinning people down regardless of how frail or tough they are. I want gentleness to be the default. My three year old is smart and perceptive, but he cannot always discern when someone is open for a body tackle or not. I sense that he is being encouraged, and therefore his physical self is getting a little more brave. This happened when he was in a mothers-day-out program 1.5 years ago. The teachers were not concerned (most likely recognizing he was playing) but I witnessed that he was getting rougher with each unchecked physical foray. So I asked them not to let him do it, and he quickly went back to a more gentle default.
Where is the line? I wonder (seriously) if I'm being over-protective or attentive to the issue. I honestly don't know where the line is. I will be that Mom that struggles when her boys wrestle with bruises emerging. Yet- is there a need for all of us to roll around and get a little bruised up? I was a pretty physical child, I don't remember wrestling with my sister on a regular basis- but I did have outlets and even friends to rough-house with. (It was probably pretty tame, but I'm sure I thought I was a bad-ass arm wrestling for the win) In seminary, we even had leg wrestling matches (I lost at those). Do we as humans *need* to rough-house? How do I begin teaching boys about "appropriate" physicality when culturally they will be encouraged at every push and shove? Or maybe they'll be demonized because they are boys and big? I imagine there is some balance. I err on the side of gentleness, because there are plenty of temptations and expectations to the other extreme. Maybe I'm being a little Aristotelian (did I get the philosopher right?) by hoping for the "golden mean" and therefore leaning a little to one side in a situation that tends to lean a little to the other side.
Or am I just confusing the hell out of my boys? BE GENTLE! GIRLS ARE STRONG! STAND UP FOR WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN! BUT DEAR GOD- BE GENTLE!
Anyone out there have any thoughts on rough-housing?
Believe it or not, we struggle with this, too. My very girly girl can land a "punch buggy" on your arm that will leave a bruise. They are much rougher at her mom's house (I gather, by the fact that they play games like 'punch buggy') and Chris and I struggle with keeping Ella's roughness in check.
ReplyDeleteI ask the same question but from a different angle: How do I help her grow into a strong woman, with less of the "girly" bent that she so clearly exhibits now, and not get bruised in the meantime.
I honestly think she just gets carried away. We all know the rush that comes with a little rough-housing. We do it, too. With our spouses and even with our children. But I cannot for the life of me figure out how to curtail it to a level where no one gets injured.
I don't mind her crawling all over us, tickling wars, or even the 'punch buggy' type games if she can do it without throwing the full force of her body behind it.
But she can't.
So for now, we've 'outlawed' it. She is old enough, at least, that we've been able to say, "Until you can wrestle without hurting me, we're not wrestling." And we do make a big deal out of it when she hurts us. "OWWWW, ELLLA!!!!! That hurt!" It makes her feel bad, which I'm not necessarily all about, but it also helps her see that her actions have consequences.
I think Katy's playground theory is right on with this issue. Katy says part of the reason kids are so violent now (gang fights, school violence, weapons, etc.) is not because of video games but because our playgrounds are too safe.
Do you remember getting hit in the chin with a teeter totter? Or knocking your friend off the top of the slide tower? We learned that hurting one another had consequences. If you got hit in the chin with the teeter totter, you had to go get stitches and couldn't play with us for a few days. No fun. What we're trying to do with her is a similar approach of "if you're going to hurt me, we won't play."
But then again, it doesn't seem to work. So I don't know if I'm helpful or not. ;)