Tired Mama

Today someone said happy Mother's Day (it was at Grandmother's place)- and it really rang genuine for me. He was a maintenance guy holding the elevator open for me and Hunter, (who was independently walking into the elevator as I pushed a vacant stroller in) and made sure Grandmother got in behind me. I think he loves his mama, and maybe his wife is a mama- because he seemed to get it. And he didn't mind that Hunter practically walked between his legs to get in the elevator.

Today made me a tired but happy woman. Jason and I have been going to counseling- more on the dealing with my depression front, and to make sure we stopped the cycle of me being awful and Jason feeling awful and then me feeling awful- before it became really bad. So I'd like to think we took a good marriage and refreshed it. That was made clear on days like today. Jason has been working on his paper that was due for class (he's working on his Doctor of Ministry), and stayed up til 345am doing it. I woke up with Hunter this morning at 7pm, knowing the kind of night Jason had- and I lasted for about 1 hour- then I just started feeling really bad- like nauseous and headache bad. I'm not pregnant- my body just finished proving to me that I am not pregnant. So, I woke Jason up and asked if he could watch Hunter just for a little bit so I could lay down and hopefully get this yuckiness to pass. He let me sleep 2 hours. My heart is overwhelmed right now with the kind of generosity that required of him- he had no sleep and still wasn't done with the paper. And- he was concerned for ME! I willed myself to feel better- took some advil, took a shower and headed off to Grandmother's house for lunch. I knew that Jason needed us to get out of the house so he could get his work done. This is success. We were on the same side of survival today. 6 months ago today would have looked drastically different.

Hooray for being on the same team! Hooray for amazing marriages! Have I mentioned I love my husband? Oh and Hunter was a good boy today. So good I let him have a cookie and a half at lunch- plus he said "peeaase." I don't care who you are - that's cute and he deserves a cookie.

Priorities

I just spent the majority of Hunter's wonderfully long nap talking to my sister on the phone. I was supposed to use that time to do laundry and blog. Right now I'm stealing minutes as Hunter happily chats himself awake to make my daily post. My post is to say that I have my priorities straight. Talking to Kelly was what I really wanted to do. So there. : )

Zoo

The National Zoo in DC is fabulous. Driving to and from it- not so fabulous. I have not been there or back the same way ever. Each time I go I end up going a different way, and even in the same day on the way back- a uniquely new way. We went today (2 new ways)- John, Nancy, Becca, Jason, Hunter and I. The best part- I love the pandas and sloth bears. The pandas were particularly cute today- not because they were acting cute, but because Hunter said "PANDA" every time he saw a panda- and that includes pictures. If you have been to the Panda exhibit- you know that Hunter was nearly out of breath when we left- there are panda pictures everywhere! It was funny. Also- our good friend Amanda he calls Panda (or badah)- so I thought she would have enjoyed his practice of her name. : ) The sloth bears I love because they exude laziness- just their physical stature alone tells me they are tired. It's hilarious. They slouch when they sit, and laying down on their belly or side is absolutely silly- they lay on a hill, belly up and paws sprawled. Love it.

Now we are all back home and doing our best sloth bear impression as we manage to keep our napped (in the car) children entertained while we rest as well as we can. Fun is a lot of work.

I wore a skirt which seems fancy for animals - but this is the most comfortable skirt I own. It is not tight at all (which is more than I can say for the majority of my clothing right now- no- not pregnant- just fat)- and it is this gauzy cotton fabric that just breezes in the air. There is plenty of... um... circulation- and it was a hot day in need of circulation. I love it.

I am now slowly sliding down my chair . . . i think I'm going to go sit in the recliner.

Oh- random thing on my mind today... I have a meeting tonight (sort of) where I am going to be thanked for my leadership and given a parting gift. I have stepped away from this position of leadership in the church and I feel really awkward accepting this gift and thanks. I stepped out for many reasons- one of which was I just needed a break- but I felt God was calling me out of the ministry- and maybe God didn't use the word failure- but I did. I just felt like a crappy leader and I know for a fact that I didn't do all I should have. So I don't feel genuine about receiving thanks for what I feel was poor leadership. Does that make sense? I understand that I was helpful and formed positive relationships within the group- but what I'm dreading is the moment when they say how wonderful I was and how they appreciate all my hard work. If I believed two words of that- it would be a lot easier. And maybe they won't say all that- but this is a pretty gregarious and grateful group. I imagine they will. I even feel bad about whining about it- because it isn't their fault or problem- I just feel like a failure, and hearing thanks for a job crappily done only makes me feel guilty for accepting it.

ps- i know this is mental. as harry potter and his friends put it.

Early Mornings

Jason is nice. Hunter woke up at 530 this morning for no reason and spent the morning whining- most likely because he was up early and cranky. These are the days you wish you could reason with a child, "if you sleep in, you will be happier." Jason let me sleep until 8am because he knew I basically wouldn't be able to get up and deal with a cranky Hunter. Nice man. Hunter is currently in the crib enjoying some alone time. He is not asleep- but he seems perfectly content hanging out there. Who am I to disturb him? I'm drinking a cup of coffee- trying to wake up enough to handle more than 3 different noise sources. In the morning- even one person talking to me can be a little more than I can do.

One of the things I learned in the whole depression journey is that you really have to take care of yourself- which is actually sometimes more annoying and frustrating than it is helpful and empowering. Example- I'm a better person with a good amount of sleep and good food in my body. With any trial of depression- you are not only just a little grumpy when these elemental needs aren't met- you are downright horrific. So- it's a little obnoxious when something like sleep is out of your complete control or at least you try to do something fun (date night) and your child wakes up at 530am. Good food- well that's just a struggle because I have to do two things that don't come naturally or enjoyable: plan and shop. I have gotten better at all these things- but here's the rub- today I'm a little grumpy- because we have friends in town and I've been staying up late to have fun and eating a little less healthy. It's a little inconvenient.

and now Hunter has moved from content talking to intermittent whining talking today he has Mother's Day out- soooo... I'm passing the buck today. Poor kid. My hope is that he'll start feeling a little better and sleeping better. : )

Selfish Ambitions

My dear brother in law wrote the comment on the post yesterday about me posting pictures and such- of course, understandably, since his daughter is missing from the archives. I really do want to post all sorts of new pictures and things on my blog. The problem is- it's not easy for me to do. Our computer is a little slow and so am I. I have selfish ambitions. I care more about posting to fulfill my goal of writing every day for a year, rather than pictures. So- just to clarify- this isn't going to be one of those blogs where you catch every recent photo of my family or milestones in Hunter's life- unless of course that is what strikes me to write about that day. I shouldn't feel this way- but when I got my first comment- I was excited- like- yea- someone is going to support me in my writing endeavor- my healing journey- my ............ yea- someone wants pictures. Of course- and for good reason (sorry Jeff- I do love you).

Don't worry- you will get pictures and cute stories- like the fact that Hunter can say like a hundred million words now- and still when he says Mama- it's the sweetest sound. And when we go to family vacation after Jessa's graduation from Auburn University- we will very likely take pictures of our ridiculously adorable children (Hunter and our beautiful redheaded niece, Lucy)- and I will see if Jason can post them up here. I'll try. : )

But- don't expect this to be a normal Mom blog. 'Cause I have selfish ambitions here. : )

people overload

I love people, I really do. I also love quiet moments and being by myself. I went to church this morning- which as a pastor's wife is close to hosting a party every time you go. I went to Sunday School, socialized during the half hour between Sunday school and church, then went to church. I dropped off and picked up Hunter at child care. The average church goer may speak to two or three people in the halls, the childcare giver and the handful of people in their class and maybe a couple of people and the pastor on their way out of "big church." I was kissed at least twice (not by my husband, and not that I minded- I love the old people who kiss me), I was told of a dream that involved me and my future baby girl (no- I'm not pregnant), I was hugged by numerous people, I asked about someone who is dying, and I made a business connection for a friend. That was a slow Sunday. Usually I'm pretty good with it all- but I think between the baby shower Saturday and church today- I'm overloaded on people. I even got annoyed at lunch today with the waiter- mostly because he was just another person talking to me.

The good thing is that some people in my life don't count as people- and I mean that in a good way. They are the kind of people that when I want to be alone- if they are in the room- I'm still able to have my peaceful moments. (of course there are those emergecy situations when even I am a person that needs to go away- so naps or quiet zoning out work for those days.) Jason is one of those delightful non-people people (my husband), y friends John and Nancy from seminary are alos not people. They are in town this week- which is super fun. Ok - now I need to go spend some time with my non-people people.

Success!

Baby shower- complete. Other than the girl who had to get drugged up before she came so she could face the lilies (she is allergic)- it went without a hitch! : ) I am exhausted. I love people and love being hospitable, but being an introvert - 3 hours of people makes me worn out.

We have leftover Chick Fil A, there isn't much better than that. It truly was a pleasure using them to cater the shower. They give you plates, cups, ice, sauces, etc. Seriously a good deal!

I am too tired for deep today- so here is my entry. Food, fun and lilies was a success- it was good to treat a dear friend to a nice party. : )