The Moms fighting

Ok- this has been on my radar lately- and after seeing a few blatant examples of it- I decided I wanted to write about it.

Moms fighting. What I am addressing is this weird little war between stay-at-home Moms, working Moms, and everyone in between. There is this competition over who has it the hardest. Who is the most neglected? Who is the least recognized? Who is the biggest martyr?

Can't we just all get along?

In all seriousness- I can see why there is a little fight here. SAHMs (stay-at-home Moms) envy the daily adult interaction and feeling of having something tangible to report when writing in the "productive and worthy" column. They hate the perception that they do nothing but bathe and exercise all day. They try to describe what it feels like to "work" all day and get nothing done and have nothing (certainly not money) to show for it.

Then you have the working mother. She can't understand why she's not the clear winner- in her mind, she does it all: mom and work. She has pressures at work, pressures at home and no time to herself. She feels that SAHMs are oblivious to the luxury that allows them to stay at home and not have to work. She envies the Mom's that drop off their kids at preschool in their cute work-out clothes that flatters their every curve and muscle.

Here's what I think: we are wasting a lot of energy competing when we should be listening and helping each other out! Being a woman is hard. Being a Mom is hard. Being a mom who happens to be a woman who used to think she could do it all and now is trying to figure out how to make her definition of "all" work- is really, really hard. As a woman who has been in varying shades of this spectrum- I feel like I can offer some perspective. And that is that we really have NO idea what other mothers do on a day-to-day basis or why or how or even how easily.

Take a few examples from my circle of friends... My good friend who is a SAHM and often wears work-out clothes because they are comfortable, not because she has a large chunk of time to work-out. She has a child that has seen the doctor in 2 years and had more procedures and blood work done than some people do in 100 years of living. This child is actually doing pretty well considering she was born weighing less than 1 lb. My friend Nancy takes her to therapy, doctors, fun things, not fun things, etc. Nancy also tries to exist as her own person by selling usborne books and interviewing for jobs that may or may not be a possibility depending on her daughter's needs. She actually might NOT get a job because then they'll be too "rich" for the state insurance that covers the rest of what little their primary insurance covers. In this situation- working would actually be the luxury if they had more money or miraculous insurance. My friend and her husband both have masters degrees and are highly intelligent people. They both felt called into ministry- and we all know how lucrative that can be (wink). My point? On the outside- Nancy looks like a Mom with a particularly small child who goes in and out of Target for fun. What she really is, is a Mom who has more stamina and willpower than a greek goddess and she fights tooth and nail for every good thing her daughter needs- all while trying to navigate the complexity that is her own life and calling and wants. Oh- and when she shops at target- she's got coupons and that's the cheapest therapy she can find.

Ok- now my other friend. She is a working mother who has a well-paying job and is respected professionally. Her husband also has a good job, and everyone is nice and financially stable. She has a 4 month old. My friend has been sick for the last two weeks- and even a few times before that- and she has taken this long to recover because she has literally run herself into the ground. She is trying to meet (her own and others) expectations of what it means to be an excellent professional worker, an excellent mother, and an excellent wife. She has been somehow trained to think that perfection is not only a goal- but the only outcome available to her. She has someone clean her house and someone watches her baby- but she's no pansy. She is up in the wee hours of the night, at work on the weekends to "set an example" and in the meantime trying to make a hundred friends by planning social events so that she can feel like she's getting some personal time. Meanwhile, her father-in-law just died. She looks like a woman who has it all: the cute kid, the nice hubby and the stable income. What she is, is a woman who is never resting, hardly giving herself a moment to stop being sick and plagued with a great sense of guilt and failure for every pleasure or seeming short-cut she allows herelf.

These are just two people I know. I have been a part-time worker Mom, a caregiver of my grandmother and child Mom, a nanny to another baby with my own child and in my first trimester, and soon a part-time worker Mom again. I looked for full-time work- it's hard to find. I realized that I wouldn't get maternity benefits, and I probably wouldn't get paid enough to balance childcare costs. So I'm stay at home. We're tight. And I don't have work out clothes because I'm pregnant and just fattening. But we have family support, we have a loving church, and we have faith that "all will be well, and all shall be well and all will be well." (thank you Julian of Norwich)

Hopefully I've made my point. We are all complicated, delicate, strong, multi-layered and multi-issued people. For Moms out there to get into the martyr wars and the one-up stories and the crazy competition just makes me sad. First of all- yes- some people have it better than others. But seriously- who are we to judge? Do we really know? And once we take the time to find out how someone is really struggling (or not)- are we not going to then be compelled to sorrow with them (or have joy with them!)? Could we pool our blessings? Work out the kinks in struggle with strong, massaging support... Can we stop being so ridiculous and start providing what is needed: community, love, help, resources, kindness. I know this seems a little deep for the Mom wars- but I have just seen it so much- it's really a weird touchy subject for a lot of Moms! I get it. But let's let go.

That's it for now. May God bless all Mothers, single, married, working, searching employment- even the well-built ones who have a spotless house. Bless us all so that we may be a blessing.