Women and such

I wrote this entire blog last night in my head before going to bed. That is how much this topic has bothered me. Beware- I am in a grumpy mood today- so where the edges might have been buttered or rounded- expect razors.

I am sad, disgusted, annoyed, mostly angry with my entire gender these days. It's hard enough to be a woman- but to have oher women completely shit on all the hard work that it has taken to get us to this place, well it's infuriating.

Lately I have been inundated with the little ways that women still have SO far to go before we have reached true equality with our male counterparts. Forget all the racial, class and disability issues that get piled on top of that. Woman have earned a good chunk of power and respect. These past few weeks I have noticed all the ways many of us are throwing it away.

Let's open a metaphorical newspaper: go to the back insert section with all the Halloween advertisements. What do you find? Yes- you see it too. There are the baby costumes- so sweet and cute with pumpkins and puppies. Move into the children's section and things start to change a little- the boys are pirates and superheros and the girls are fairies and princesses, nothing too wrong with that- but some of the princess outfits might be a little short or a little wonky on cleavage. Get to the teenager section and the wonky is completed with the girls in short skirts and tiny tops disguised as witches and princesses. Go ahead and finish the job by skipping to the adult section and you have your pick: a woman whore dressed like.... well fill in the blank: maid, witch, farmer, whatever. What are the boys wearing? Still superheros, goblins and pirates- so fully dressed they may as well be mummies. The women must all live in tropical places to be able to go out in so few clothes. Seriously?

Flip back a few pages in the politics pages. Think about the images that some prominent women in politics are putting out there- the doe-faced "I'm not sure but aren't I hot?" platform. Women like Hillary Clinton aren't being voted into office because they are scary, appear to be bitchy and not sexy. I'm sure there are other reasons- but really- Hillary scares me a little- and I'm a woman democrat!

Don't read too much into this- because I have enough evidence other places. Go to facebook- click on your friend's photo album of her fun time at the boat party. There you will find about 5 guys, 4 of whom are lanky and not overly attractive- 1 who is actually pretty attractive- but almost too well put together. His parents own the boat and he has invited 25 of his closest female friends. It is the tropics- so they have done their best to find the tiniest bikinis they can- sparkles and cleavage and butt cheeks are a must-have. So much so that the boy who is taking the pictures enjoys the candor with which these 20 odd young females show off their sparkles, cleavage and butt cheeks. Seriously? What the hell are you girls doing?

I'm no prude- I love to feel sexy, sex is fun and a good and beautiful thing. The sad part about all this is that (I was under this disillusion before)- we women are lead to believe that sexy = our bodies. We have to do everything imaginable to sculpt and display our bodiess so that others may see our sexy. We're taught to downplay our minds and our will so that nothing will get in the way of "them" seeing our body = sexy. Thank God I'm out from under that spell.

Here's the thing. I want to blame men and judge them- but women- it's our fault!! Why are you posing like that? Why are you buying that outfit? Why are you acting demure when you have the will of an ass? Why are you playing dumb when you've got multiple degrees? Why are you buying into this shit? We have power- use it! The best power we have is the ability to not give it away!

Then I turn the finger on myself. I feel like a failure for being a stay at home Mom. I look at my two framed diplomas and feel ashamed that nothing has come of them. I resent people who have careers they love and get paid well to do them. I resent stay at home moms who are content and able to do that well. I believe that anything we do is a choice- that we can work, we can stay home, we can do part time, we can travel with the circus- whatever. The issue is- I feel like I keep not getting to choose. I feel like for every sacrifice I make, an option gets taken away. For every selfish choice I make, an opportunity disappears. I feel like a failure. I'm sulking during my son's nap when I should be doing something about it. Stop listening to the bullshit of today's culture and start listening to my heart.

Here's the problem- my heart is conflicted. My God has given me a call and no road map. My brain has left me in confusion. My soul is searching.

And all I know how to do is eat fudge and sulk.