Sleeping babies

Hunter is sleeping, and now that I'm back on Lily duty- I've got her snoozing away in the swing too. She was a little nutso today- not wanting her bottle and expressing that to the best of her tiny giganitic lungs' ability.

Hoping for a calmer afternoon.

Right now I'm resting on the bed with no pants on because I'm hot(weather- pick a season! I pick fall). And I just consumed a bag of buttered popcorn. Because I didn't have the fruit and yogurt smoothie option. Naturally. I have a coupon for a free McDonald's smoothie- might get one of those after Lily gets picked up.

I swear I've only gained 3-4 lbs. Maybe more now that I've eaten that bag of popcorn.

Jason cleaned the kitchen last night. I put new sheets on our bed and made the bed this morning. Baby steps toward a clean, livable house. Today was mother's day out again for Hunter- yea for us. I made the bad Mom mistake and packed him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich- for a peanut-free facility. Oops. I will say no one ever gave me the damn welcome packet- so how was I supposed to know? I have it now. The offender.

Tomorrow is a day off and I am looking forward to doing something fun with Jason and Hunter... or just cleaning the house- whatever. I think the weather is supposed to be cooler tomorrow. Looking forward to that!

Something I thought of today while on the pot. (yes) I thought- wasn't it funny the first pregnancy when I was nervous that if I tried to poop too hard, I would poop the baby out? Then I thought, seriously- this came right to my head: You can't poop a baby out when you're pregnant, but when the baby is coming out, you'll probably poop! For 10 seconds I thought it was a worthy catch phrase for my up and coming pregnancy book that I'm not writing. Then I realized it was just really weird.

I feel like I should lie down while the babies are sleeping. I'm not that tired- but I could rest and stop having to stretch my back because I'm propped up by two flimsy pillows.

I'm going to do that.

I'm pregnant

We're going to make this quick because Hunter just woke up from his nap.

I'm pregnant.
I'm tired.
My husband's awesome.
My husband's busy.
I'm more vegetarian with the occasional tuna and chicken now per Dr's suggestion.
I'm tired.
If you want to know what you can do for a woman in her first trimester- pay for someone to clean her house, if you can't afford that- get some friends together and surprise her with it. Not that I'm making any blatent requests- just saying if I had that many friends or that much money- I'd totally sponsor a clean house. Good to know for when I'm rich and famous. Or just rich.
I'm pregnant.
I'm loving the facebook blow up when I announce I'm pregnant. Facebook is the perfect way for an introvert to get some attention without the limelight. : )
um- my house is disgusting.

But I look cute. Other than this not-so-cute pudge I'm rocking. I haven't gained much weight but apparently people can "tell" I'm pregnant.

Never tell a pregnant woman that you were wondering if she was pregnant. It implies all sorts of bad things.

I never glowed- but it's sweet of people to say so.

OK- going to pee and get Hunter.

And I'm pregnant. : )

Church

Yes- such an original title. I went to church today- of course that's not exciting details coming from the pastor's wife who "goes" to church nearly every day. But I'm cheating on my church. I am attending other local churches during the 11 o clock hour to try and find a UCC (united church of christ, remember?) church that strikes my fancy. You know, so I can join and get ordained and be a chaplain- 12 years down the road.

I went to a church this morning that was a little bit of a drive, but a little more established than the one I went to last week. I was late getting off (more about that later) so I drove up to the church about 10-15 after 11. This wouldn't have been so bad if I knew where I was going. The church had no parking lot. I repeat- zero off street parking. Would have been nice to know. So I drove another 2 minutes looking for legal parking options. Mind you- I also am not entirely convinced of where the entrance is- so I take a guess, take a breath and hope I'm not running face first into the baptistry or something. Lucky me- I enter through the back of the church during the "passing of the peace" which is a friendly time for late-comers to find a seat- oh and for people to greet one another in peace. I find my friend who was meeting me there- all the way up in the 3rd row- which is totally where I would have sat if I wasn't 20 minutes late. We all sit, stand, sing, read, and have a nice time. The general atmosphere is nice- the congregation is not surprisingly very vanilla (maybe 4 people of ethnicity other than white in the group of 200). The reason why I say not surprisingly is because of the neighborhood that this little church is nestled in: niiice. I mean uppity nice. Nice uppity- no lion sculptures at the entrance to the mansion- but nice. So yea- when driving to the church, I'm passing the lexus' and the obama stickers and feeling pretty much like I've pegged the place- and I kinda did.

The sermon was... interesting. Let me back up. The entire service and the entire experience was interesting. It was one of those few times in my church experiences that I could say I agreed with nearly everything spoken and written. And I felt really weird. If you don't get it- neither did I. How could I be in a place with sound theology and well-crafted words and not feel like I was home? Well- I think I kinda missed the crazies. Wait- let me rephrase- I missed the poles. I missed the liberals sitting next to the conservatives. I missed the obamas sitting next to the palins, I missed the rich sitting next to the poor. This rarely happens in one church setting- but sometimes if that church is open and authentic enough- there is space for a far wider range than one might expect.

This is what was weird about this church- it was a bunch of white people with great ideals and theologies who believed in social justice. And it felt a little stale. Maybe I'm passing judgment too quickly- I probably am- but even the sermon felt this way. I'll explain. The title of the sermon was "Is Liberation Theology Christian?" Wow- let me tell you- it was stock full of historical and theological information- much of which I learned in my seminary classes- none of which I ever expected to hear, at least in this format, from the pulpit. I couldn't remember whether I was in church or class, at seminary chapel or a local congregation. It was weird. The content of the sermon itself was well articulated, good stuff, and way over the heads of a lot of people. The preacher made a lot of assumptions with her presentation: everyone here is highly intelligent, everyone here is interested in theological concepts, everyone here is liberal, everyone here is social justice oriented. It was weird- I felt like it was too much. She lost my friend- not because she isn't smart- but because she didn't connect with her.

I came home to talk with Jason about this weird experience- not knowing exactly why I didn't connect with this church that had everything "right." We both agreed that the pulpit provides many teaching moments- but the point of the sermon is to present scripture in a way that comes alive for the congregation- to include visitors!

So yea- next week I go back to the tiny, yet authentic church and weigh my options. The following week I will give rich church another chance- the Senior Pastor didn't preach this week- so I'd like to see how her flavor goes.

In my opinion (I won't fake it and call it humble) church is not about agreeing, unified theology, or even unified action. It's about a community of believers who are working together to be the church, in diverse, unified, and complicated ways.

Church is also the place where it is super fun to spread the news that we are pregnant! Jason announced today that we are expecting our 2nd baby child April 19th! :) (don't you love how I snuck that in). I am feeling pretty decent- the tiredness is definitely there and I feel fat already. Nothing like a church community where news travels fast and joy spreads! More on this tomorrow!

PS- getting love from church members is why I was late to the other church. :)

breaking down

So no one broke down- but my resolve is breaking a little bit. I am so overwhelmed by the house at this point that I don't know where to start. I'm nearing the point that drives Jason crazy, when I start talking in ultimatum terms of extreme conditions. I say things like: "we have too much shit." "You need to get rid of half your stuff." "We need to donate half of everything we own." "The house is disgusting." "Why do you have so much of your work shit lying around?"

These are apparently not helpful comments. I tend to get a little crazy and military brat on him. I call this the military brat syndrome, where if you haven't moved in the last 3.5 years- you suddenly feel the urge to purge your stuff- and if you let it go too far- you can start purging friends too. Luckily for Jason, the military brat syndrom includes a fierce loyalty to family- so he and Hunter are safe from the purge.

Hunter took a short nap today because he's got a cold- poor thing. I got a nap too- thankfully. Jason has a wedding tonight, so I'm writing this blog as Hunter dreams up ways to be crazy. Fun times. On that note- and with Hunter crawling on me. I'm going to sign off for today.

done and done

There's nothing like getting those pesky items at the bottom of your to do list done. I saved myself $16.90 today and cancelled any chances of being overcharged in the future by two companies. Nice. I paid a speeding ticket online (bastard speed trap), I deposited a check (thank you church for paying me to do childcare), and I recently viewed the latest Harry Potter trailer (near tears of happiness over that one).

Today Hunter took a 1.5 hr nap, yesterday he took a nearly 3 hr nap. And I got way more done today- go figure.

I'm wiped now and Jason is off to do a wedding rehearsal in DC. This week has been insane for him (and likewise for me) and I'm really looking forward to a poptentially calmer week next week. At this point all I want to do is sleep in one day- and nothing- nada. He's getting up to do mulch delivery with the United Methodist men tomorrow, Sunday is church and then we're back to the grind again. The good news is that I might get to sleep in on Wednesday.

I sent off for my transcript from Auburn yesterday (all part of the substitute teaching process)- hopefully they will do a quick turn around. They are ancient in their dealings with this stuff- I had to print out and mail the form- and they will mail me the transcript. Seriously- what happened to electronic processing? The good news is that it's free- which was nice of them to do. I guess they want all Auburn grads to get jobs if they can!

Jason and I are doing well and horribly on our new budget. We've probably spent about 3/4 of our budget already, but we're also getting in more money. We're sticking to our guns about eating out- both of us have only eaten out once in the last two weeks- and both for "business" reasons. Jason has his wedding this weekend- so that should bring in about $200 hopefully. We've been good about eating leftovers, etc- and I think (hope) our food will last longer. So we may have spent a fortune at the grocery store, but it might last us a while and my hope is that some of the "base ingredients" will last for a long while and our first grocery trip can be seen as an investment... a large one. : )

Ok- so this was a first: Hunter came up to me and said "poopy," then started walking towards his room and saying "change a diaper!" Wow. So I hopped to it! Maybe potty training isn't that far away! : )

One last thing, then I'm signing off... My house is disgusting. Dirty. Messy. Gross. This is the shittiest thing about our new budget: no cleaning folks. Unfortunately we really are bare bones, or I'd skip a meal or something to get them back. I told my older sister Kelly that I envied her cleaning gene. I didn't get it. Jason didn't get it- so here we are living in our mess with little skill and motivation to deal with it. We will- but in the meantime I'm going to whine about it and fantasize about winning just enough money to justify getting that crew back in here.

School

I love school. Not just for myself- but now for my son. No- he's not in kindergarten- he's just wearing their clothes. He's part of a mother's day out program that is freaking fantastic. He goes on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 930-130 and eats lunch there! He loves it. Here's how I know why: this morning I told him he was going to school- and he seemed glad, but the true excitement showed up in his actions. After I got him dressed- I ran and put on some jeans and a tshirt (no shower yet) to be presentable enough to drop him off. I figured he would run and play with his train table- but I didn't hear him, so I went to look for him before I made his lunch. There he was- at the door- one hand on the door and one hand on his backback. It was so so cute. Of course he stood there the whole time I was making his lunch- so we left early and played around at the entrance before we could go in. He strolled right into his classroom- with his rolly-bag backback rolling behind him (he loves pulling his backpack around). No turning back- no goodbye - certainly no tears. Love it.

Ah. Another random note- inspired by a church friend- I am going to plant a winter garden! Kale, collards, lettuce, spinach- exciting! Then maybe we can eat fresh from our garden! How much better does it get? Hopefully I can succeed. I'm going to do it this Saturday- maybe Hunter will enjoy it.

Oh yea- so during Hunter's morning out- I had a mother's morning in. I got absolutely nothing done, but I feel like a human being. Worth every wasted second. I took a bath (I haven't done that in months). I shaved my legs (let's just say I was due). I washed and did my hair (blowdry, straighten- with more than 15 minutes- I made myself look nice!) I even read a chapter and a half of The Wealthy Barber. This is an actually enjoyable financial planning book- on loan from my father. : ) I put on a dress that didn't make me feel fat and put a little make up on and voila- human. Attractive even!

Now I'm going to mail for my college transcript so that I can be a substitute! And I'm going to send my Grandmother a letter- Thursday is my day! : )

Life Plan

Yes, so I have one. Sort of. I don't know about other people, but I have an innate need to plan my life out. I know for a fact that 95% of these plans are changed or altered or completely ignored. I don't care. I just need a path, a plan, an idea.

So here's my current road: I'm doing the vegan thing for food. That's going ok- I have cheated but I'll write more about that later when I unpack this whole vegan process. Needless to say- it has shifted my focus onto much better food- and that is successful enough for now. I did feel horrible when I screwed up the timing of dinner and forgot that I was working childcare at the church last night- so basically no dinner was made and we did a quicky soup heat up. Jason was starving and ran out and got "vegan" popsicles (with no nutritional value) and "vegan" cookies (although upon a closer look they weren't) and we ate our "vegan" weight in both. So yea- make dinner filling. Another day another try.

So we've covered food. Job- this is kind of huge and I owe my recent revelation to my good friend Nancy who has an uncanny way of seeing truth, logic, and the "duh" and is happy to share it if you give her room. So she did- and it really was a "duh" moment for me. I was telling her how I had a contact in the working world and was holding off on applying to be a substitute (in the local school system, of which half the administration and teaching faculty seem to attend our church). Nancy said the first logical thing, which was essentially "why are you holding back on an open door? You have to chase every lead!" She was right. Then even she discovered just how right she was. I mentioned that 2 things were in my mind: 1) We could be pregnant at any point now, and 2) We could move. In my mind- I wanted a job that would give me some benefits through paid maternity leave and also one that wouldn't be totally mad if I moved. Nancy then pointed out the obvious: most places don't pay your maternity leave until you work there at least a year, if that, so don't count on that benefit ever- AND if I do have a baby AND move within the year- why am I trying to get a "real" job? Do I really want to go back to work when the baby is 4 weeks old?

Good point.

And here's what made me able to hear this logic: A) Jason and I recently reworked our budget and are trying to see if we can live on his salary- it'll be really tight, but if we know we can do that- than anything I make is insurance! B) I really really really don't want to leave a 4 week old baby at home. C) I have a long-term goal- so we can make the short term work to get what I want.

What do I want? (other than to be rich and not worry about this at all- and happily pay more taxes) I want to be home with my newborn- whenever that is. I want to have the flexibility to take a sick day or a vacation without it counting against me. I want to have the ability to make some money and feel like I am contributing to my family and my community. I want to be able to work towards a long-term goal without exhausting myself with the short-term survival method. Substituting just might be the ultimate answer! So there's that.

What's my long term goal? Other than being a famous author (yea- I should make a plan for that)... I am looking into chaplaincy. I hesitate even to say I want to be one, because I don't know if I can give myself that much credit yet. Chaplaincy is hard! In order to become a chaplain- I basically have to do 2 major things: Get ordained and take 4 units of CPE. Translation for those who are not surrounded my seminarians (ppl who went to divinity school)- I need to do a boatload of hours as an intern as a hospital chaplain (by boatload I mean maybe up to 4 years!). I need to pick a denomination, then attend, then join, then start the process of ordination- and this could take 2-4 years as well.

I have: attended a UCC church (United church of Christ- the cool progressive people who don't hate gay people and believe that God is still speaking in this world). I chose this denomination because I've been infatuated with them since I was in seminary. Some cool facts: they were the first denomination to ordain women, african-americans, gay people, and they have often been in the front of the line of churches when figuring out social justice issues (for example, they figured out that slavery was bad long before many other denominations). I was inspired to become a part of a group that seems to have a knack for getting it.

So last week I went to a teeny tiny church with maybe 15 people and it was totally great and scary. The tiny part makes me nervous- because to be involved means to be completely visible and not able to hide. Cool points: there were at least 4 different races, all ages and gay and straight- this diverse demographic represented in just 15-20 people! Our church of 2000 barely accomplishes that! This week I'm going to another UCC church that is a little more established and big- so I'll let you know how that goes.

Ok- I'm exhausted and I'm sure you're bored. There's my life plan. Soon I will tell you how I feel about it. ; )

Success and Rest

Today Hunter has his first day of Mother's Day Out- I'm trying to call it school so he gets used to the idea and connects the positive experiences to the term. Hunter didn't even bother to say goodbye. I dropped him off and the teacher said "Hi Hunter, are you going to play with us today?" He promptly responded "Yesth." and ran right in. Love it. I am also taking this week off of nannying because Lily's grandma is in town and Jason and I are trying to live under his salary alone (at least in budget) to see if it's possible. I believe it is possible- but what we have to discern is if it is worth it. The job search is on and I will take what comes along if it works.

In other news, my first true new vegan recipe last night was a success! I may have overdone the garlic (is that possible?) because I woke up this morning with a garlic taste in my mouth. Vampires, away! Here are the ingredients: brown rice, asparagus, garbanzo beans (or chickpeas is another name for it), onions, olive oil, garlic, sea salt, a homemade tahini sauce with tahini, garlic, lemon zest and juice (I threw the exhausted lemons down the garbage disposal which took care of some weird smell that was lingering), and... olive oil. Super yummy- have enough to feed the whole family two more times. Jason enjoyed it minus the tahini sauce plus soy sauce, I enjoyed it much, Hunter even grabbed a couple finger fulls of rice and even stomached a couple pieces of asparagus by accident! It was a success! And I was full for the entire evening.

It's almost time for me to turn around and head back to get Hunter. I'll close with this thought: IT IS REALLY NICE OUTSIDE! love love love fall.

Starve

No, Jason and I are not starving with our new vegan diet- although we've barely begun. Instead- we (I should say Jason, since I'm outside blogging) are putting up decorations for the fall. Jason and I enjoy our seasonal decorations. Jason puts them up most of the time because it overwhelms me to think of all the stuff we have in our attic. Anyway- we purchase things on clearance if we really like them (so much for simplifying- which I really do want to do)- so each year there is usually one thing to add to the mix, and we kind of rediscover it as we unpack the boxes. This year's surprise was a collection of blocks in the autumn motif that spelled what we thought was "give thanks." We ran out of letters and then came up with an extra that didn't fit- so we had "--ve tha--s" then the superfluous R that really threw us off. I kept looking for more letters and when I looked up- Jason had arranged the letters to spell "starve"- which really really made us laugh. He had the "h" in his hand and I said- "Harvest!" Which made starve even funnier. Then we made it "stharve" for the lisp. Then at last we changed it to harvest- but entertained the idea of leaving it "starve."

It's good to have a belly, tears rolling laugh every now and then!

Ok, for real this time

I'm going to get back in he saddle again. Remember when I wasn't travelling anymore? Well I meant after the trip to Florida. So- we went to Florida for the last free flight for Hunter. He turned 2 on September 16th- wow! And we will no longer be flying anywhere- because it's too damn expensive.

So- we went to Florida and did all the Florida things: boat ride, beach trip, walk on the pier, ate seafood, pool time, sun time, you name it. It was so nice and relaxing. It was also so different from most of my recent trips to Florida. I didn't realize how many times Hunter and I had made the trek to Florida by ourselves. Until of course Jason noticed all the updates my parents had made on the house, starting 3 years ago. We have all seen each other multiple times, but Jason had not physically been inside my parents house in nearly 3 years. That is pathetic- and it made for such a nice difference this time around. It's nice to vacation with your husband.

Hunter celebrated his 2nd birthday in two places: Palmyra, Va and Palm City, Florida. Not a bad life! The whole Snow family joined together for a labor day weekend birthday celebration- which was super nice. Then my family (parents and Grandmother) joined on Hunter's actual birthday to celebrate. You know what is really nice about all this? It was all very low key. Just a couple presents- no big icing cake (my Mom made almond cake which is super yummy, and Jason's Mom put candles on muffins because we needed to celebrate in the morning before Uncle Mikey left). It was just really chill and nice. Jason and I still need to make our "big purchase" which is simply our fun gift idea for Hunter: a fish. Hunter is obsessed with Nemo lately, and no- we're not getting a clown fish, we're going to get one of those big, pretty beta fishes that require very little care. : )

In other news: Jason and I are going vegan. You read right - V e g a n. Why? Well- why the hell not? But really- it sort of solves a lot of our issues. For example: cholesterol- we both have fairly high cholesterol for young adults- not dangerous medicine high, but it could get that way if we stay on our current path. So apparently cholesterol is only found in animal products/byproducts. So it seems simple enough- avoid that and you'll be in good shape cholesterol-wise. Ok, we need to have more energy- according to almost everything we see and hear- a healthy diet comprised mostly of grains, fruits and vegetables will do that for us. So- ok- these are good to eat. We have been trying to be more environmentally savvy- to include the concept of being good stewards (and consumers) of the earth. So- we all know that the meat industry is a little sketchy with what they feed animals, the antibiotics and all that jazz. I'm not getting preachy- I'm just a little sketched out by the practices. So what should I do if I'm sketched out and want to be a good steward? Either I buy organic/free range meat or I avoid meat altogether. The cheaper option- avoid meat. So- we're going to try it out. We'll cheat, we'll eat a burger at a friend's house, but we're going to try to just set some clear guidelines for how we want to eat. I think it might be easier than we think it will be. Jason will miss milk. I will miss cheese. Those will be our points of cheating occassionally I bet. Better to cheat with milk and cheese than soda and chips! The hardest part: learning new recipes and handling the sure to come ridicule from our families. We're going oh so hippy. But if we lose weight- feel freakin awesome and raise a kid on fruits and veggies- it may not be such a bad thing!

Ok- So Hunter has continued to be back to normal on napping - even with the vacation. So grateful.

I'm still looking for jobs. I have some leads though. I'm still wishing someone else could clean my house (that was the first luxury to go- as much as I talked about it being my sanity and therapy all wrapped up in one... I may want the job mostly so I can go back to this therapy.) I am feeling good about life even though everything is sort of up in the air.

And hopefully I will get back to blogging everyday. Because now I have 10 followers! : )

Gawgeius

That's what the weather is. Gorgeous is too plain. Hunter and I spent nearly two hours playing with cars and balls in the church courtyard. Actually- I did not do much else but sit there and watch the boy play with his own imagination- really fun to see.

And where is the boy now? Sleeping. Like a champ. Another day, another nap, another blog. I'm feeling better today too- so I got all sorts of things done. Deposited a check, looked for jobs, freshened the resume, emailed some contacts etc.

It's really weird being in a place of no power. Let me rephrase that- it's weird being in a place where I need something, rather than where I am offering or giving something. I am emailing these people who are friends, members of the church- letting them know of my job search and asking them to let me know if they know of anything I should be applying for. It feels weird. I'm "networking" with friends and it feels awkward. I really view it as- hey- these people are in positions that give them better knowledge about things that may be helpful to me, I would do the same if the roles were reversed. Not- these people are high up and I need them to get my foot in the door. Awkward- because those two statements could mean the same thing- but I've never seen myself in need of networking to get my foot in the door. What happened to the good old days when you applied for a job- were qualified- they liked you in the interview and so you were hired? You know what happened- nothing. Those days never existed. It's always been about who you know- sometimes it's just a little more subtle. You get into the family business, your church hires you, you move up and down in the company that gave you the first break, you know a friend who lets you know about a certain job opening... you see where I'm going. I guess I just have to remind myself that being aware and reaching out to my social network does not make me a job moocher- it makes me normal. I was just lucky that it was always more subtle for me.

So another day in the life of a mother, nanny, preacher's wife, and most recently- Job seeker.

The spell is broken

The nap strike is tentatively over. Hunter went to sleep today with no complaints, no extra work on my part- like the good ol times. I am simply elated- with my fingers crossed that this doesn't go away.

Here is my unfortunate discovery/worry. I believe the no-nap thing is all about the competition. Let me illustrate. The napping strike began when a certain little someone started coming to my house (Lily)...it continued when Jason and Hunter travelled to his parent's house for a week (and slowly worsened) where... Annie (cousin 3 months his elder) was. Then it peaked at home (back to Lily) and still was a struggle in Nashville (Lucy this time, cousin 4 months younger)...then back to home (lily), back to Jason's parents (annie again). The last 2 days when I have had the easiest time getting the boy to nap- guess who was here? That's right- just Mama. I haven't been feeling awesome and Lily's grandma is in town- so these past couple of days have been just the boy and mama. I've uncovered his secret. He won't sleep if there's someone else who could be getting my attention while he's sleeping. Or something like that. Ridiculous boy.

So the weather. Swift change (of subject and weather)- it is freakin gorgeous outside and I am so excited to go outside and enjoy it (once I feel better). Fall is coming. I am reminded that 2 years ago today was my due date for Hunter- he was a full 6 days late- but I think the weather was getting nicer then too- and I was a full grown whale at that point- grateful for a breeze.

My train of thought is really weird today. Did you know that I am still looking for a job? Yes- shameless plug. I'm seriously going to call my Dad today and see if he's got any fancy work from home jobs in his company (he just got promoted- he should be important enough by now, right?). Not that working from home is a requirement- he just happens to live and work in Florida- and I'd kind of like to continue living in the church parsonage for free up here in Virginia. And stay with my husband, but free house first people.

So- I'm trying to get back into blogging- and now I'm realizing how often I blogged during Hunter's nap. Without it- I've been sort of awful at keeping this up.

I just realized I let Bruno out a while ago and haven't heard his barking in a while. That silence usually means about the same thing it does from any grouping of children from 2-22. Hoping he's still out there and just enjoying the weather...

take care- and keep me in mind when you see the words "hiring" or "paid position" or things like that. : )

I am not missing...

Just not in action... Whew. So to give a few examples of what I've been up to: driving to Nashville and back, driving to the in-laws and back, nannying, nannying, and sleeping. When I can. Hunter took a nap at home today for the first time in 3.5 weeks. He was on a nap strike. He was tricked into napping at my sisters (singing, rocking, total darkness and a bathroom fan were involved) and he was tricked at Grammy's house (Grammy magic). We tried Grammy magic yesterday- no work. Today by miracle of God and to my greatest pleasure- it worked.

Jason is transitioning back into the fall schedule, which means meetings nearly every night. Joy. On the plus side - I think Hunter is starting to like me. This may seem strange to say- but Jason has been the obvious favorite for quite some time- to the extent that I was really starting to worry about (to steal a word of my older sister's) my attachment to Hunter. Well- lately it's all me at night, and I've been trying to be intentional with the other baby around- although there are definite moments that to me feel like I am totally neglecting the boy- but he has surprised me by being more "mama" oriented. He asks both mama and dada to read, climbs up in both of our laps, etc. Seriously- before- he would be blind to me if Dada were in the room. So I'm feeling encouraged by that.

Quick recap on the job search: shitty. I have been so exhausted with everything and not motivated to look back onine at the big black hole of jobs that are not viable- that the job search is pretty pitiful right now. I know it will turn around, or at least I will get motivated to get back in the saddle again- but at this current second I'm planning ways to become independently wealthy. Not a sure-fire plan, but the most positive one I've come up with. I have a whole week's worth of blogs to write about concerning wants and needs and fears and hopes and dreams and ... yea- when it comes to becoming a working mom. The ideal of somehow having the benefits of being a stay at home mom and having a rewarding career - well- it almost doesn't exist. Now that Hunter likes me- I hate to leave him for 8 hours a day. I do envy my sister, who I am convinced has it perfect. She works 2 days a week as a therapist- she works other hours from home during her daughter's nap and her husband has the baby for one of the days she works. So basically Lucy is in childcare with a Grammy-type lady for 1 day a week. Stay at home meets career. Of course Kelly would have figured it out.

OK- jason's home from his meeting. We're going to go watch an episode of arrested development on netflix instant - because it's fun. : )

Support vs. Investment

My husband and I had a "discussion" on the way home from his parents house tonight (a nice two hour drive). It involved my defining the difference between support and investment. Let's just say I'm getting a little crazy about the job search and general life plans. I go through these phases (not the job search- that is very specific to now, but the life plans)... when I come up with the "now", "5 year plan" "10 year plan" and "fantasy never going to happen but wouldn't it be nice plan." My husband is only starting to catch on to my weird ways. With my "help" he will soon learn how to respond. But- I felt this particular distinction between support and investment was something worth mentioning to the general public.

My main frustration occured when a plan I had conversed with my husband about was for lack of better terms- kind of forgotten. It was not completely on purpose or ill-meaning, but it opened the door to this talk. I made the point that support is the general and easy affirmation in the moment of whatever it is that I am saying- that requires no real conversation or memory afterwards. Investment is asking questions, making plans, and remembering to mention them later- hopefully with excitement.

It's simple- but kind of a big deal.

Ok- I need to go to bed, but thought I'd send a little word out there before I get too delinquent in my blogging.

I am Job

I may have titled a blog entry this before- but who cares- this scene from Mrs. Doubtfire still makes me laugh.

SO- the truth is out of the bag, I am looking for a job. Yes, I currently work as a nanny for my dear friend, but I am learning (with the rest of the world) that it just isn't enough. It's not enough pay (not that my friend doesn't love me enough- nanny rates just aren't lucrative), it's pretty tiring and unfortunately, the skills I have from it are lost on the business world. SO- I need to get back in the saddle again- be employed in the great American business system again and get a salary I can count on to pay for the basics and let me make the selfish decision to eat out every now and then without wondering if it means peanut butter and jelly for the next month.

I am realizing a few things. I am really blessed- I know this is odd to say in light of what I just said- but when I feel "poor" and turn my nose up at possibilities like working two wage jobs to fill in the gaps- I realize even then that I am spoiled to even think I have the ability to choose. I may not- but many people focus on survival, when I am hoping to be able to be free from heavy financial stress.

That said- I'm also learning a thing or two about the job market. It really does suck, it really is all who you know, and the unemployment rate probably does not take into account all those looking for jobs that have been stay at home moms or didn't have to work for whatever reason. I need to work. I want to work. I am not alone- and that's actually less comforting.

I am smart, friendly, have many gifts and skills. Most of this does not translate well on paper. I have served as a caregiver for an 88 year old, an infant, and a 2 year old. These don't look that impressive- but I have learned more in those experiences than I ever imagined I could. I can navigate hospital red tape, advocate for patients, have patience, purchase medical equipment, participate in forming a care plan and solve very difficult puzzles. I can do it all and take you out to ice cream.

I have also had "real" jobs- from which I have learned very much. Unfortunately for me- it seems I left the world of responsibility 2 years ago to disappear into a hole (motherhood and companion for Grandmother- which requires no responsibility of course). I was the youth director when a former youth died of leukemia, I assisted two pastors in pastoral care for nearly two years and developed several wonderful caring relationships. I can preach. I can't sing. I can write. I can learn anything on the computer and am willing to try. I don't lie. I don't cheat. It is difficult for me to do something or represent something I'm not proud of - the things that I do care about- I will walk through fire for. I hope for respectful colleagues and supervisors with integrity.

I read (skimmed in the doctor's office) an article that talked about how to create jobs without depending on taxpayer's money. I don't know the politics of that statement- but I'd like to think it was just a grouping of cheap ideas to jumpstart some corners of the economy. One was talking about supporting entrepreneurs. I have to say- I agree with that a bit. I heard from someone how hard it was to get a business loan. I don't know if I have what it takes to be a true entrepreneur- but I've had some good ideas and it would be nice if I felt like it was worth working at least one of them out.

OK- about time for Lily to have a bottle. Back to my day job. : )

So all you folks out there- job seekers, job havers, job givers- let me know how it's treating you. And if you're hiring- be sure to let me know!