Today was the memorial day cook out at the Snow residence. Fun- too much food, and a kiddie pool that rocked like a chocolate fountain.
I, we, they, are all exhausted. It was only a high of 95 outside as we pulled the utility fan from the basement to fan our guests. My friend Amanda came with her 3 day over-due preggo belly. Lots of fun. There was fun with cousin Annie who Hunter incidentally did not push. (now I think maybe Lucy and Becca have golden cars in their ears that Hunter is trying to get to- as they are the only 2 kids he pushes around) We had only 1 time-out today. A cute baby came and rolled around on my floor. (with a blanket underneath of course) New friends and old friends. Ladder ball.
yes- i am listing what is coming to my mind with out making sense of it. I didn't want to go two days in a row without posting... but I am really tired. So good night. Let's hope Hunter sleeps in again. 730 this morning! woot woot! Who knew I would get so excited about that being "late." All you parents who have teenagers that sleep in- do you remember this stage? Why are you complaining??
Monday, May 31, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
DC, Dinosaurs, and dented heads
This should be the title for my friend Megan's DC trip. She and her husband travelled from Pennsylvania to see the sights while they are still in driving distance. They move to Nashville this summer. This was my chance to get to see the whole family and introduce them to an older Hunter.
The following are the events that unfolded:
I knock on the door of their hotel suite and Ben the husband opens the door. You can tell it's been a long day of sight-seeing for them. Enter Anna (2.5yrs) and Jack (almost 4)- two very energetic and happy children who are super excited to see me and especially Hunter. Ben moves past his exhaustion and makes nice conversation as Anna climbs the couch, kicks the cushions down and practices crash landings. Jack joins in and squeezes his thin frame between the couch and the wall. Meanwhile Ben is telling me that Anna outweighs her older brother and that they broke the hotel lamp earlier today. Hunter is in awe. He's sitting and staring at the climbers, as well as the mountain of cars and trains that Jack has unloaded into his lap. Jack was very enthusiastic about sharing. So enthusiastic, that at one point Hunter had a backpack leaning against his head. ALL of Jacks things were deposited in Hunter's lap. Megan and Ben were concerned it was a little much for Hunter- but I could tell he was loving the attention. Oh yea- Megan was out getting food and walked in a few minutes later. Both Anna and Jack dismounted the couch to see her and introduced her to Hunter.
Dinner was awesome. Not so much the food (which was fine) but watching Anna eat it. She was stripped down to a diaper by Megan for her mealtime- and I thought- oh Megan- she cares about keeping the clothes nice. Then Anna proceeded to inadvertently smear fettuccini alfredo all over her body, on the table, the chair, ad the floor. She also ate a decent amount. In fact- she ate a lot and it was her fervor for eating that made her so sloppy. I understood the naked baby for dinner then. Jack ate a slice of pizza and then started ricocheting off the walls. Hunter looked at me and said "down"- which I translated to mean- "that looks like way more fun than eating pizza and fruit." I made him at a few more bites and then released him to stare at Jack.
Then came the dent. The girls are finishing their dinner when we hear Jack crying- Ben went to pick him up- assuming it was no big deal- but then we heard "oh wow" and noticed Jack had a pretty good sized cut on his head. So- bathroom, tissues, washcloths, discussion of to stitch or not to stitch, calling all medical friends, deciding to stay home and watching tv while cuddling. Hunter during all this: playing with his cars and the looking at me every now and then to make sure everything was still ok for him. Anna came and asked me not to cry. ha. Megan and Ben were fairly level-headed through the whole thing and even laughing at how I must be so glad that I came for this crazy night.
Yes- I am totally glad I came! Dents, Anna lifting her butt for Megan to slide the diaper underneath, Hunter lavished with cars and trains- it was fabulous. Watching Megan and Ben deal with a crisis and being able to laugh about it- impressive.
We might see them at the zoo tomorrow- what adventures will we find there? : )
PS- I mowed the lawn today. It looks amazing. I am amazing. : )
The following are the events that unfolded:
I knock on the door of their hotel suite and Ben the husband opens the door. You can tell it's been a long day of sight-seeing for them. Enter Anna (2.5yrs) and Jack (almost 4)- two very energetic and happy children who are super excited to see me and especially Hunter. Ben moves past his exhaustion and makes nice conversation as Anna climbs the couch, kicks the cushions down and practices crash landings. Jack joins in and squeezes his thin frame between the couch and the wall. Meanwhile Ben is telling me that Anna outweighs her older brother and that they broke the hotel lamp earlier today. Hunter is in awe. He's sitting and staring at the climbers, as well as the mountain of cars and trains that Jack has unloaded into his lap. Jack was very enthusiastic about sharing. So enthusiastic, that at one point Hunter had a backpack leaning against his head. ALL of Jacks things were deposited in Hunter's lap. Megan and Ben were concerned it was a little much for Hunter- but I could tell he was loving the attention. Oh yea- Megan was out getting food and walked in a few minutes later. Both Anna and Jack dismounted the couch to see her and introduced her to Hunter.
Dinner was awesome. Not so much the food (which was fine) but watching Anna eat it. She was stripped down to a diaper by Megan for her mealtime- and I thought- oh Megan- she cares about keeping the clothes nice. Then Anna proceeded to inadvertently smear fettuccini alfredo all over her body, on the table, the chair, ad the floor. She also ate a decent amount. In fact- she ate a lot and it was her fervor for eating that made her so sloppy. I understood the naked baby for dinner then. Jack ate a slice of pizza and then started ricocheting off the walls. Hunter looked at me and said "down"- which I translated to mean- "that looks like way more fun than eating pizza and fruit." I made him at a few more bites and then released him to stare at Jack.
Then came the dent. The girls are finishing their dinner when we hear Jack crying- Ben went to pick him up- assuming it was no big deal- but then we heard "oh wow" and noticed Jack had a pretty good sized cut on his head. So- bathroom, tissues, washcloths, discussion of to stitch or not to stitch, calling all medical friends, deciding to stay home and watching tv while cuddling. Hunter during all this: playing with his cars and the looking at me every now and then to make sure everything was still ok for him. Anna came and asked me not to cry. ha. Megan and Ben were fairly level-headed through the whole thing and even laughing at how I must be so glad that I came for this crazy night.
Yes- I am totally glad I came! Dents, Anna lifting her butt for Megan to slide the diaper underneath, Hunter lavished with cars and trains- it was fabulous. Watching Megan and Ben deal with a crisis and being able to laugh about it- impressive.
We might see them at the zoo tomorrow- what adventures will we find there? : )
PS- I mowed the lawn today. It looks amazing. I am amazing. : )
Friday, May 28, 2010
I saved a worm
There was a worm crawling into my basement. I told it that although it felt nice and wet and moldy down here- it would not end well. So I tossed it into the grass and told it to take cover- 'cause I'm mowing tomorrow. : )
I have slipped into every other day of blogging- trying to get back on the bandwagon- but I don't feel I've failed. I'm still consistently blogging. Not sure if anyone reads (besides my sister and best friend) but still... it's really all about me. :)
I am going to write about... not worms tonight... how about we write about no- not black exterior basement walls... hmmm- looking around for inspiration. Let's go with Hunter tonight. He's cute. Remember the crying stage? Yea- we're still in it- but we're making progress. Tonight he cried for 20 minutes and fell asleep before I went in to rock him- before it was 30 minutes and at least two rocks. SO - I'm kind of excited. I half expect him to be normal tomorrow. I decided today that when things happen- like your child who got excited about going to sleep all of a sudden crying for an hour about it- you have to make shit up. What I mean is- the thing driving me most batty was not as much that Hunter was doing it- but that I had no idea WHY. (let's keep this in the present tense- he's still doing it and I'm still batty) So I decided that I simply needed to figure out a reason that seemed logical enough and come up with a solution that assumed that my made up reason was 100% correct. This basically buys you about 1 week of sanity until the child all of a sudden decides to do something different. You hope better, and you hope it happens within the week. Here's the kicker- you NEVER know if you were right or your solution helped. I'm voting now for myself that I will heretofore assume all my figurings and solutions are accurate and effective- which will make me an awesome Mom. The more I think I'm awesome- the more I might actually act awesome. Then like maybe Aristotle said (I can't get my philosophers straight) by practicing (faking it) awesomeness, I will soon find that I become truly awesome (making it).
Don't you agree? I feel a little more awesome already. I have figured out the problem and my solution is already working. : )
Ok- I'm going to go to bed because Mr. Awesome needs me to mow the lawn tomorrow before it rains. (and before you ladies out there start getting southern belle on me- Jason is allergic to every grass in existence and I'm pretty sure our jungle yard has a fair selection... and I get to mow by myself... nobody helps. This is a good thing. :))
I have slipped into every other day of blogging- trying to get back on the bandwagon- but I don't feel I've failed. I'm still consistently blogging. Not sure if anyone reads (besides my sister and best friend) but still... it's really all about me. :)
I am going to write about... not worms tonight... how about we write about no- not black exterior basement walls... hmmm- looking around for inspiration. Let's go with Hunter tonight. He's cute. Remember the crying stage? Yea- we're still in it- but we're making progress. Tonight he cried for 20 minutes and fell asleep before I went in to rock him- before it was 30 minutes and at least two rocks. SO - I'm kind of excited. I half expect him to be normal tomorrow. I decided today that when things happen- like your child who got excited about going to sleep all of a sudden crying for an hour about it- you have to make shit up. What I mean is- the thing driving me most batty was not as much that Hunter was doing it- but that I had no idea WHY. (let's keep this in the present tense- he's still doing it and I'm still batty) So I decided that I simply needed to figure out a reason that seemed logical enough and come up with a solution that assumed that my made up reason was 100% correct. This basically buys you about 1 week of sanity until the child all of a sudden decides to do something different. You hope better, and you hope it happens within the week. Here's the kicker- you NEVER know if you were right or your solution helped. I'm voting now for myself that I will heretofore assume all my figurings and solutions are accurate and effective- which will make me an awesome Mom. The more I think I'm awesome- the more I might actually act awesome. Then like maybe Aristotle said (I can't get my philosophers straight) by practicing (faking it) awesomeness, I will soon find that I become truly awesome (making it).
Don't you agree? I feel a little more awesome already. I have figured out the problem and my solution is already working. : )
Ok- I'm going to go to bed because Mr. Awesome needs me to mow the lawn tomorrow before it rains. (and before you ladies out there start getting southern belle on me- Jason is allergic to every grass in existence and I'm pretty sure our jungle yard has a fair selection... and I get to mow by myself... nobody helps. This is a good thing. :))
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Basement Mold, Crying Child and Pie
These are some of the things on my mind these days. One of the things I am trying to retain as learned from my days under depression is that it isn't healthy to think of everything at once, and certainly not to assume responsibility for the solution of everything at once. This takes extreme discipline for me. I am sitting downstairs in a chair that is smooshed next to a coffee table, directly slid alongside a desk. Everything is out of place from our little "water management" construction. Long story short- the front of our basement is mostly underground which means it is susceptible to water drainage issues. Since the house was built in the 50s- the water management system was not so effective. Now we have a concrete path along the wall all the way into the laundry room leading right up to our new underground sump-pump. This was intended to be a 2 day project. They found mold- all along the wall- so naturally- the wall is gone. Our laundry room is also pushed to one side for the concrete to finish drying. Apparently concrete takes 10 days to dry. You know what takes longer to dry? According to the mold and mildew expert: wet moldy walls. So the house is drying out- weeks it will take. THEN they can put up a new wall (more wood paneling- only I get to paint this time- super excited)- THEN we can put all the furniture back- THEN we can dust- THEN the basement might not smell like a cave.
But I'm trying not to think about all the steps in one day. I'm also trying not to think about how when it rains it still generates enough mud to start a new creation. I know money doesn't equal happiness- but it sure as hell can buy some free time and space in my head.
OK- NOT going to think about home improvement projects in a house I don't even own.
Now- Crying child. Hunter has started a new phase- it came alongside whining and testing. He now has decided (after months of perfected sleeping habits) to cry every time we put him to sleep. This is like- so 6 months old. I'm over it. Ready for him to be over it. He didn't even take a nap today- so when he cried 25 straight minutes tonight to go to bed when I knew for a fact he was exhausted- I went in and rocked him- to sleep- like put him down gently and snuck out asleep. This also has not occured since perhaps 6 months of age. Really? Why this on top of what looks to be the onslaught of early terrible twos? More about that later.
But- in the determined effort to be happy, paint joy and write light- I must talk about pie. Forget my bulging belly from tonight's dinner and shared dessert (and fun iced drink)- tomorrow we go to Leesburg in search of pie. There is a place- Heider's Country Store- just before Leesburg- that has fruit, veggies, plants, jams- yadda yadda-- but most of all: P I E. This is better than your Grandma's pie. Really. What fruit? All of them. What do you want? Special order it. I love this place- all 15 summer pie pounds of it. So- we're going to go for a day trip- see the countryside and buy pie. I'm bringing home a pie for a pregnant lady due on Friday - it's like a special ops mission. Pie before Baby.
Let's see what else... I missed yesterday's post bc I was too busy watching the latest Harry Potter movie. I do not apologize. I love Harry. I can't wait to go visit the village and drink butterbeer.
Oh- almost forgot- Hunter had a petting zoo at his mother's day out place today. It was fun- for him. Me too- but apparently gnats are normal in swarms outside during the summer. I guess I never bothered to stay outside in 90 degree weather to find out. Sooo- those were gross. But- Hunter following the farmer and his pony around the pen and sticking his finger up a goat's nose: worth it. : ) Ok- that's it for today.
But I'm trying not to think about all the steps in one day. I'm also trying not to think about how when it rains it still generates enough mud to start a new creation. I know money doesn't equal happiness- but it sure as hell can buy some free time and space in my head.
OK- NOT going to think about home improvement projects in a house I don't even own.
Now- Crying child. Hunter has started a new phase- it came alongside whining and testing. He now has decided (after months of perfected sleeping habits) to cry every time we put him to sleep. This is like- so 6 months old. I'm over it. Ready for him to be over it. He didn't even take a nap today- so when he cried 25 straight minutes tonight to go to bed when I knew for a fact he was exhausted- I went in and rocked him- to sleep- like put him down gently and snuck out asleep. This also has not occured since perhaps 6 months of age. Really? Why this on top of what looks to be the onslaught of early terrible twos? More about that later.
But- in the determined effort to be happy, paint joy and write light- I must talk about pie. Forget my bulging belly from tonight's dinner and shared dessert (and fun iced drink)- tomorrow we go to Leesburg in search of pie. There is a place- Heider's Country Store- just before Leesburg- that has fruit, veggies, plants, jams- yadda yadda-- but most of all: P I E. This is better than your Grandma's pie. Really. What fruit? All of them. What do you want? Special order it. I love this place- all 15 summer pie pounds of it. So- we're going to go for a day trip- see the countryside and buy pie. I'm bringing home a pie for a pregnant lady due on Friday - it's like a special ops mission. Pie before Baby.
Let's see what else... I missed yesterday's post bc I was too busy watching the latest Harry Potter movie. I do not apologize. I love Harry. I can't wait to go visit the village and drink butterbeer.
Oh- almost forgot- Hunter had a petting zoo at his mother's day out place today. It was fun- for him. Me too- but apparently gnats are normal in swarms outside during the summer. I guess I never bothered to stay outside in 90 degree weather to find out. Sooo- those were gross. But- Hunter following the farmer and his pony around the pen and sticking his finger up a goat's nose: worth it. : ) Ok- that's it for today.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Machine Guns and other things
I'm writing this blog in the waiting room of a Honda dealership that is undergoing some construction. Let's just say it sounds like machine gun target practice upstairs. It's actually a little bit nice because all the phone calls I was supposed to make are now not possible, so I get to write in my blog without thinking about what I should be doing instead.
Ok- recap. Thursday when Jessa left- basically at least once or four times a day since then, Hunter looks at me and asks "Jessa?" He loves his aunt Jessa. Kind of adorable. Friday- was our last full day at the lake - it rained but it was kind of nice. Hunter was a little stir-crazy, but we managed a walk and fish-feeding in between rain showers. When Hunter went down for the night- he was upset and couldn't get to sleep- finally after rocking him for the 3rd time, I realized he probably noticed the suitcases and packing and might be a little nervous about who would be there in the morning. I assured him Mama would be there. 10 minutes later he was crying- then I realized when he looked at me and said "Nonna?" he needed to know that Nonna, Papa, and Mama would be there. After that chat he fell asleep. There is a chance he was just that exhausted, but I'd like to think that he needed my explanations and understood. He seemed to. It is kind of amazing to watch his developing understanding- as it speeds much faster than I thought it could. He is taking it all in... I need to really pay attention to what I'm saying! This is when you confront the part of yourself that you thought was inherently good and you realize you are actually teaching your child to be a pain in the ass. Or maybe it's not that bad- I hope not.
Ok- Saturday was the 10 hour drive from Georgia to Virginia. I would like to go ahead and put it out there that I am amazing. So is the portable DVD player we invested in. So is the movie Cars and Thomas the train (or boo-ah) Here are some highlights from the drive: when we got gas at the beginning of the trip- my precious Dad filled my tank and cleaned my windows. Once a Dad, always a Dad. Hunter slept for 2 hours in the morning drive (his nap is usually in the afternoon- but 2 hours is a long time for him to sleep in the car anytime!) So the poor kid was exhausted from all his fun at the lake. We stopped at Arby's for lunch- they had no changing station- so I changed Hunter in the booth. Oh well. You need to provide or we will find other ways! : ) Later when Hunter and I both needed an ice cream break- I fought the temptation to wait for a chick fil a and found a McDonalds near Harrisonburg. I get off the exit and find that the McD's is 0.9 miles down the street. This is a no-no in my long-range travel rules, but I break it for the ice cream and Hunter. We get there- and there was one of those slippery floor signs practically blocking the doorway- which was just welcoming. I manage to make it to the register and they tell me these fatal words: "there's no ice cream" In my mind- as a McDonald's- you should just close your doors after that. What is the point? I was devastated- and told the guy behind the counter that he was breaking my heart and I drove the entire 0.9 miles just to get ice cream. Of course he didn't seem to understand the weight of what I was telling him. We ordered a parfait instead which HUnter ate most of- and milk- which Hunter downed. Then we went to the bathroom so I could pee, and there on the floor was as pile of french fries - which I didn't think much about until when I turned around after washing my hands I noticed Hunter leaning down to grab a yummy treat- I yelled- NO! and luckily he stepped away as I apologized and cleaned his hands. It was then that I noticed the broken glass among the french fries. Dangerous!! Then Hunter slipped on the slippery floor. That was it- I picked him up and got the hell out of that horrid place! No ice cream, glassy french fries and soapy floors. It was toddler hell.
So- side note. I just got a free oil change because of the loud construction! Woohoo! Is it bad that the first thing that came to my mind was- yea- well it's about time I got a free oil change after paying so much every time! It probably is bad- but it's true. I was grateful- but honestly more entitled feeling than anything else- and it had nothing to do with the machine gun construction. I strongly feel that loyal customers deserve a break. : )
OK- so Saturday night we get in- Hunter eats, goes to bed- house isn't too horrible and we have friends over for dinner (yea- I'm crazy) and we talk and laugh til midnight!
Sunday- church- I dropped Hunter off in childcare in the morning for SUnday school- but I never made it to Sunday School- instead I was in the resource room chatting it up about shooting stars and sun tans. I did, however, do childcare from 12-2pm with what started out as 8 children and slowly whittled to a much more manageable 5. There were 3 adults total- but 8 kids was scary. I now know I don't want to be an elementary school teacher. Many of these kids were boys- and once the 8 became I was able to stop wishing Hunter never got older- but there was a serious moment of "Oh Shit- what have I gotten myself into?" Boys are weird. I thought they would be hard for me to understand at 12- but turns out the weirdness occurs even as soon as 5. Not ready for that. Hunter of course will be an angel- but still. Scared.
Ok- I'm parked outside a Panera to finish this before I head off to Grandmother's- I should go. But you're somewhat caught up now on things that I think about. Don't let me forget to write about my vision for our church, the mold downstairs and my big head about the fact that people are still talking about my sermon! I'm kind of a big deal (you know- from Anchorman?). I'm not- but it still feels good. :)
ok- we're done for now.
Ok- recap. Thursday when Jessa left- basically at least once or four times a day since then, Hunter looks at me and asks "Jessa?" He loves his aunt Jessa. Kind of adorable. Friday- was our last full day at the lake - it rained but it was kind of nice. Hunter was a little stir-crazy, but we managed a walk and fish-feeding in between rain showers. When Hunter went down for the night- he was upset and couldn't get to sleep- finally after rocking him for the 3rd time, I realized he probably noticed the suitcases and packing and might be a little nervous about who would be there in the morning. I assured him Mama would be there. 10 minutes later he was crying- then I realized when he looked at me and said "Nonna?" he needed to know that Nonna, Papa, and Mama would be there. After that chat he fell asleep. There is a chance he was just that exhausted, but I'd like to think that he needed my explanations and understood. He seemed to. It is kind of amazing to watch his developing understanding- as it speeds much faster than I thought it could. He is taking it all in... I need to really pay attention to what I'm saying! This is when you confront the part of yourself that you thought was inherently good and you realize you are actually teaching your child to be a pain in the ass. Or maybe it's not that bad- I hope not.
Ok- Saturday was the 10 hour drive from Georgia to Virginia. I would like to go ahead and put it out there that I am amazing. So is the portable DVD player we invested in. So is the movie Cars and Thomas the train (or boo-ah) Here are some highlights from the drive: when we got gas at the beginning of the trip- my precious Dad filled my tank and cleaned my windows. Once a Dad, always a Dad. Hunter slept for 2 hours in the morning drive (his nap is usually in the afternoon- but 2 hours is a long time for him to sleep in the car anytime!) So the poor kid was exhausted from all his fun at the lake. We stopped at Arby's for lunch- they had no changing station- so I changed Hunter in the booth. Oh well. You need to provide or we will find other ways! : ) Later when Hunter and I both needed an ice cream break- I fought the temptation to wait for a chick fil a and found a McDonalds near Harrisonburg. I get off the exit and find that the McD's is 0.9 miles down the street. This is a no-no in my long-range travel rules, but I break it for the ice cream and Hunter. We get there- and there was one of those slippery floor signs practically blocking the doorway- which was just welcoming. I manage to make it to the register and they tell me these fatal words: "there's no ice cream" In my mind- as a McDonald's- you should just close your doors after that. What is the point? I was devastated- and told the guy behind the counter that he was breaking my heart and I drove the entire 0.9 miles just to get ice cream. Of course he didn't seem to understand the weight of what I was telling him. We ordered a parfait instead which HUnter ate most of- and milk- which Hunter downed. Then we went to the bathroom so I could pee, and there on the floor was as pile of french fries - which I didn't think much about until when I turned around after washing my hands I noticed Hunter leaning down to grab a yummy treat- I yelled- NO! and luckily he stepped away as I apologized and cleaned his hands. It was then that I noticed the broken glass among the french fries. Dangerous!! Then Hunter slipped on the slippery floor. That was it- I picked him up and got the hell out of that horrid place! No ice cream, glassy french fries and soapy floors. It was toddler hell.
So- side note. I just got a free oil change because of the loud construction! Woohoo! Is it bad that the first thing that came to my mind was- yea- well it's about time I got a free oil change after paying so much every time! It probably is bad- but it's true. I was grateful- but honestly more entitled feeling than anything else- and it had nothing to do with the machine gun construction. I strongly feel that loyal customers deserve a break. : )
OK- so Saturday night we get in- Hunter eats, goes to bed- house isn't too horrible and we have friends over for dinner (yea- I'm crazy) and we talk and laugh til midnight!
Sunday- church- I dropped Hunter off in childcare in the morning for SUnday school- but I never made it to Sunday School- instead I was in the resource room chatting it up about shooting stars and sun tans. I did, however, do childcare from 12-2pm with what started out as 8 children and slowly whittled to a much more manageable 5. There were 3 adults total- but 8 kids was scary. I now know I don't want to be an elementary school teacher. Many of these kids were boys- and once the 8 became I was able to stop wishing Hunter never got older- but there was a serious moment of "Oh Shit- what have I gotten myself into?" Boys are weird. I thought they would be hard for me to understand at 12- but turns out the weirdness occurs even as soon as 5. Not ready for that. Hunter of course will be an angel- but still. Scared.
Ok- I'm parked outside a Panera to finish this before I head off to Grandmother's- I should go. But you're somewhat caught up now on things that I think about. Don't let me forget to write about my vision for our church, the mold downstairs and my big head about the fact that people are still talking about my sermon! I'm kind of a big deal (you know- from Anchorman?). I'm not- but it still feels good. :)
ok- we're done for now.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Traveling Mercies
So- I was without the internet on Friday and Saturday I drove 10 hours. I could have made the blog thing work, but I didn't. Oh well- traveling mercies please! I will make it up by posting two more times today- once about Fridayand once about Saturday. Stay tuned! Meanwhile it is a hazy rainy day- the kind that makes you want to curl up with a book or sleep an exra hour. But vacation is over... bummer.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
All by myself...
Jessa and her boy Jason are leaving today. This is my last shot at posting on jason's iPhone. I am sad because my sister is leaving and then it will just be us. Hunter and me with the pArents. Family vacation is slowly winding down.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
So long, farewell
We had to say goodbye to Kelly, Jeff, and Lucy today. Really sad. Kelly and I made the realization that we had no official plans to see each other until her baby was born or even Christmas. Seriously, not cool. Our lives are about to get a little less flexible. I'll be taking a nanny job, Kelly works two days a week and then she's pregnant and saving for her vacation time. Jessa is going to grad school. It's just going to get hard to see family after this. Which really sucks. Tomorrow jessa is leaving. Saaad.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Manicure
Kelly and I got to treat ourselves to a manicure today. It wasn't the best manicure I've had, but it was worth the quality time and getting out of the house. Kelly and I revisited an old conversation that gets repeated often in our times together... The wish that our family was geographically closer. As we get older, the reasons for our family to live closely exponentially increase. It is very difficult not to envy someone who has had the support and physical help of a family close by. I'm talking about nonna
taking the babies for a day, the sister's having face to face pow-wows when things are hard, a coffee break, a dinner together. These are the things that families who all live within 4 square miles of each other take for granted. Kelly and I preach the choir when we list the reasons one by one that prove our point. The problem is that we both are faced with the realities of jobs and opportunity and the other side of the family to keep in mind. It's hard to be in such a transient global community when you know deep down inside, the best thing for you now is to have your own village with your family in it. Your family doesn't charge for mother's day out. How do you bridge the gap between freedom of opportunity and independence to safety of family connection and support? It's a really hard question for my family. It's tradition to ask it every family vacation-" how do we get together?"
taking the babies for a day, the sister's having face to face pow-wows when things are hard, a coffee break, a dinner together. These are the things that families who all live within 4 square miles of each other take for granted. Kelly and I preach the choir when we list the reasons one by one that prove our point. The problem is that we both are faced with the realities of jobs and opportunity and the other side of the family to keep in mind. It's hard to be in such a transient global community when you know deep down inside, the best thing for you now is to have your own village with your family in it. Your family doesn't charge for mother's day out. How do you bridge the gap between freedom of opportunity and independence to safety of family connection and support? It's a really hard question for my family. It's tradition to ask it every family vacation-" how do we get together?"
Monday, May 17, 2010
Boo-ahs
Hunter calls trains booahs. It's kind of adorable. Today was another great day. I got lots of sun-maybe too much. My mom took hunter in the morning and let me sleep til 10am! Amazing. There ismuch to write about, but i'm exhausted. Booah.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Music class and coconut rum
These are the two highlights of today. Hunter watched and then enthusiastically participated with Kelly and lucy as they danced their demonstration of music class. Kelly takes Lucy once a week to this class and they dance and sing and do crazy hand motions. It's kind of adorable. Especially when hunter dances, twirls, and giggles as he runs around and hops in jessa's lap. So fun, and we will now hold music class nightly.
Coconut rum. Do I really need to expand on that? Kelly said it smelled like drinking suntan lotion. Exactly. : )
Coconut rum. Do I really need to expand on that? Kelly said it smelled like drinking suntan lotion. Exactly. : )
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Family vaca!
I am dictating this to Jason, my sister's boyfriend, who is typing this on his iPad, iPhone- whatever the he'll this is. It's great because it has Internet and the house on family vaca does not. It is great to be with family and relax on the lake. The sad part is... Jason my husband had to leave today to go home for work and class. Since I am dictating this to an iPhone user, my post will be short. I'll be enjoying my family as good therapy this week! Ok, that's good... post.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Congratulations Jessa!
Jessa just graduated from Auburn Unversity! WAR EAGLE! I can't believe the last of the Doeppner girls have graduated from Auburn! It was so great to watch her bouncing across the aisle to grab her diploma. We shall go to Shogun's for lunch and then off to family vaca!!!
woohoo!
woohoo!
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Comfort Suites
I am not a hotel snob or a frequent stayer- but I will say- it was a comfort to stay at Comfort Suites in Salisbury, NC. It may have had more to do with the North Carolina part- but it was comfy and the breakfast was good... and the two most important things: the front desk lady was nice and the bathroom was big enough to fit a pack and play. Yes- we put Hunter in the bathroom. And he slept til 740am. : )
So here I am using the easy to use free wifi (no crazy passwords)- and doing my daily blog entry before we head to...
AUBURN UNIVERSITY!
:)
ok we should go now.
So here I am using the easy to use free wifi (no crazy passwords)- and doing my daily blog entry before we head to...
AUBURN UNIVERSITY!
:)
ok we should go now.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
On the road again
Good lord, we're going on the road again.
if i knew the words to this song I could come up with a nice little parody here, but I don't. So... we're leaving on a jet plane.... bags arent so much fully packed... we should stay and rest because we're sick now- but we're gonna go now...
ok I'm done. Jason and I decided to split up our trip to Auburn with a snotty day today and a snotty day tomorrow rather than an even more miserable snotty all-nighter.
Yea for Auburn graduation!
boo for snot in my head.
Pray for our journey!
if i knew the words to this song I could come up with a nice little parody here, but I don't. So... we're leaving on a jet plane.... bags arent so much fully packed... we should stay and rest because we're sick now- but we're gonna go now...
ok I'm done. Jason and I decided to split up our trip to Auburn with a snotty day today and a snotty day tomorrow rather than an even more miserable snotty all-nighter.
Yea for Auburn graduation!
boo for snot in my head.
Pray for our journey!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Snotty McSnotterson
That's my new name. I now know why Nancy was asking for a head transplant- ugh. I'm watching Beverly Hills Ninja- because if I'm going to transplant my head- it doesn't matter what I watch. : )
Monday, May 10, 2010
Resting
I got the sinus crud that seems to be running around our house. Unfortunately, we gave it to all of our house guests last week (sorry Nancy, John and especially Becca!). I'm trying to be good and rest when I can so my body can get over this junk. We have Jessa's graduation and family vacation coming up soon and I want to be clear and sick-free for it!
Speaking of Jessa - a little shout out to my little sister. She is some kind of awesome. It's tough being the youngest - especially by 6 and 10 years. Kelly and I have always acted more like aunts or moms rather than sisters to her. Recently Jessa has been really intentional about calling us and checking in- sharing her life with us and letting us share our lives. It's been really nice to connect with her and develop this adult relationship with her. She really is a grown-up. As much as I've resisted that- I can honestly say it now. She's an adult some kind of awesome. She'll always be Jessa with her long pony tail swinging from side to side because that's just the way she walks- but now I don't worry about her. She's got her stuff together. Probably more so than I did at that age.
Jessa rocks- and I'm so proud of her graduating from Auburn University Summa Cum Laude! : )
Speaking of Jessa - a little shout out to my little sister. She is some kind of awesome. It's tough being the youngest - especially by 6 and 10 years. Kelly and I have always acted more like aunts or moms rather than sisters to her. Recently Jessa has been really intentional about calling us and checking in- sharing her life with us and letting us share our lives. It's been really nice to connect with her and develop this adult relationship with her. She really is a grown-up. As much as I've resisted that- I can honestly say it now. She's an adult some kind of awesome. She'll always be Jessa with her long pony tail swinging from side to side because that's just the way she walks- but now I don't worry about her. She's got her stuff together. Probably more so than I did at that age.
Jessa rocks- and I'm so proud of her graduating from Auburn University Summa Cum Laude! : )
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Figured it out- or some nerd somewhere did- Thank you!
Here is my sermon!
Gracious God,
make me sensitive to all the evidence of your goodness;
and may I, trusting in you,
free myself from the terror of death,
and feel free to live intensely and happily
the life you have given me. Amen.
Joy
2 samuel 6:16-22
16 As the ark of the Lord came into the city of David, Michal daughter of Saul looked out of the window, and saw King David leaping and dancing before the Lord; and she despised him in her heart.
17 They brought in the ark of the Lord, and set it in its place, inside the tent that David had pitched for it; and David offered burnt-offerings and offerings of well-being before the Lord. 18When David had finished offering the burnt-offerings and the offerings of well-being, he blessed the people in the name of the Lord of hosts, 19and distributed food among all the people, the whole multitude of Israel, both men and women, to each a cake of bread, a portion of meat,* and a cake of raisins. Then all the people went back to their homes.
20 David returned to bless his household. But Michal the daughter of Saul came out to meet David, and said, ‘How the king of Israel honoured himself today, uncovering himself today before the eyes of his servants’ maids, as any vulgar fellow might shamelessly uncover himself!’ 21David said to Michal, ‘It was before the Lord, who chose me in place of your father and all his household, to appoint me as prince over Israel, the people of the Lord, that I have danced before the Lord. 22I will make myself yet more contemptible than this, and I will be abased in my own eyes; but by the maids of whom you have spoken, by them I shall be held in honour.’
Revelation 3:15-16
15 ‘I know your works; you are neither cold nor hot. I wish that you were either cold or hot. 16So, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I am about to spit you out of my mouth.
I've got joy down in my heart, deep deep down in my heart. Jesus put it there, and no one else can dare destroy-stroy! Did you sing that as a youth? I remember when we sang it as loud as we could- jumping around- we were acting out the joy of the song. It was so silly- but it really was a joyful time! I feel like it was easier to feel joy then, easier to get caught up in that moment of joy and excitement. It was acceptable to sing your heart out and dance around. I also remember the songs that I connected with the not so joyful times. One song by Lucinda Williams- I heard for the first time with my sister after she had just broken up with Whit the Twit- well- that's what I called him anyway. The chorus went like this: (play song or read words)- You took my joy and I want it back, you took my joy and I want it back... This was a perfect song for the time because Whit really was a twit- he sucked the joy out of my sister's life- making her feel small and unworthy of love. Her joy had been stolen. There are times when we don't feel joyful- but we remember what it felt like- taste it and see it as we search for it to come back. That can be the most frustrating search. The movie Under the Tuscan Sun has this wonderful character who is full of life and words of wisdom. She tells a story of searching as a child for ladybugs, she searched for hours and didn't find a single one. Finally she fell asleep in the field, and when she woke up- the ladybugs were crawling all over her. Joy can be just as elusive when we search for it in the midst of sorrow.
I know it is mother's day and united methodist women's day and I'm standing here talking about joy and sorrow instead of babies and strong women- but if I may make the connection- joy has been on my mind recently as a direct result of babies and strong women. My son Hunter is my absolute favorite person in the world, with my husband Jason as a close second. I am a stay at home mom who spends a lot of time with her baby- so to say that it gets a little tiring after a while is to admit that though I am strong and hear me roar kind of woman- I have moments of absolute exhaustion, who knew that this would take so much energy? However, this exhausting endeavor of motherhood brings me great joy- if I allow myself to embrace and live out those moments. I recently lost a very special strong woman in my life- my Grandmother who we called Memaush, died last November. As I smell her pillows that I brought home from her house- I am filled with the powerful emotions of joyous remembrance and sorrowful grief. I am also helping to care for my Grandmother who lives here in Virginia. She has alzheimer's and though she is struggling with memory loss- it gives me so much joy to watch her sing a tune to Hunter or hold his hand as we cross the street. The combination of these responsibilities and losses and gains in my life have led me ultimately to a point where I need to talk about joy.
I have had the privilege to walk with many of you- if just for a few steps- in your journeys of joy and sorrow. I have cried for your losses and laughed with your joys. I have been to funerals for your loved ones, celebrated the births of your children and grandchildren. I have mourned the loss of your pregnancies, the loss of your friendships and marriages, the loss of your freedoms that come with age, the losses of your spouses and friends. I have celebrated the beginnings of your marriages and the beginnings of new friendships. In this very room- there are hundreds of beautiful life stories with joy and sorrow wrapped up together like a bouqet of flowers. There is a poem that I have shared with some of you in part or whole that I'd like to read now: it is by the author Kahlil Gibran:
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
and how else can it be?
the deeper sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
I love this poem. It gives us the perspective that joy and sorrow are not far removed from each other. It helps me to put images to the mystery of the ups and downs in life. It helps me to embrace both the joys and sorrows that surround us. I put this poem right next to the text from Revelation that we read this morning and it helped me understand it a little better. I used to read this scripture as a judgement on being anything but hot. I never understood why cold was better than lukewarm. In my Baptist roots- I was taught to equate these temperature readings with my own fervor for God. God would rather me be an enemy than on the fence, God would rather me be completely loyal than on the fence. It made sense to me that way- and it can still make sense. But after some of my life experiences, and after reading this poem- I wonder if the spirit can lead us down another path with this revelation text. Maybe we can think about hot and cold as joy and sorrow. Maybe we can understand that there will be times in our up and down lives when we will experience both emotions, both temperatures. Maybe God is saying to us: "I desire to be in honest relationship with you so much it hurts- I want you to love one another as yourself, and the mere thought that you would need to hide your life from me or from your community- it makes me sick." Maybe we can go deeper with this text from revelation and make the connection that joy and sorrow are not sinful. Joy is not pride and sorrow is not doubt. God accepts both and in fact wants both. Our joy is our enjoyment, our gratitude for that which we have come to love. Our sorrow is grief over losing that which gave us joy. Maybe in revelation John is speaking God's heart to a community that is being torn by persecution. John is telling the followers of Christ to keep together- keep confessing to each other and to God- confess not just your shortcomings but your joys. Confess not just your victories but your failures. Let this acceptance of the hot and cold give us a new strength to be unified in community. Let us refuse to be lukewarm to one another and to God so that we don't grow distant and complacent. Joy and sorrow are not only connected, but they are connecting for those who share them. What a challenge and necessity it must have been for these communities to band together in these tough times of persecution and fear.
We speak a lot about sorrow and lament in the Lenten season (especially here at Open Doors this lent as we journeyed through the Psalms together). Lent is a perfect time to face our mortality, face our sin, face our sorrow. This confrontation with the darker side of things often results in a little weeping and gnashing of teeth. I don't think that people really get the right image when they hear this phrase- so often coupled with images of the end of the world as we know it. Instead I see it as our best ancient description of expressing sorrow. Physical weeping and gnashing of teeth- it's what happens when you stub your toe on the sharpest corner in your house- absolute agony and astonishment at how much pain your toe could feel. When our souls weep and gnash- it is when we stub our hearts on the sharpest wedge in the universe- and that looks different for everyone.
If Lent is confronting the darker side of ourselves to include our own mortality- then I suppose Lent started for me in November when Memaush died- Thanksgiving was a blur. The funeral was the day after Thanksgiving and Hunter spiked a 102 fever that afternoon. We drove the next day from Florida back home to Virginia. The morning after we arrived home, I got a phone call at 630 in the morning that my other Grandmother was in the hospital. I could barely get up in the morning the pain of everything that had happened burdened me so much. I could barely feel emotion because I had no time to process any of it- no time to even weep and gnash as I explained each day to my Grandmother where she was and why she was there. I had no time to weep when I had to firmly advocate for my grandmother in the hospital and rehab place. I had no time to gnash my teeth when I had to give Hunter a bath with barely enough energy to make it past his bed time. I met sorrow face to face, but I didn't have the energy to do anything with it. In February, Jason and I took a class on the psalms- it was a great space for me to process some of what had happened in the last few months. Our teacher encouraged us to embrace the ugly side of the psalms, the dark sides that wept and gnashed loudly. I needed that- I needed to hear that and I needed to cry. I was depressed- emotion of any sort was sort of unavailable, numbness replaced my grief and exhaustion. Nothing was overly important. I lost my sorrow and my joy in one deep dive off the emotional cliffs. But Lent was a good thing. Through the classes, through support from my husband, family, through counseling and through God's open embrace of all my weeping and gnashing- I found my voice again. My voice was sorrowful but it was better than nothingness, better than being numb. Then came the spring, when the trees bloomed and the sun shone. Then came my sister telling me she was pregnant, then came a few trips to Florida to gather some of Memaush's things and bring them back so that it seems she is always with me. Then came my Grandmother's acceptance to move to Florida to be close to my Dad and Mom. Then came hope. Then at last, like witnessing my first sunrise- came joy. I had been frantically searching for it- and suddenly it just dawned on me- it was crawling all over me and I embraced it. As much we talked in lent about being able to name our sadness, being freed to express our anger and depression within the safety of a church community- I realized we also need to fight for a space to express our joy.
We could take lessons on expression from the great king David. I found David dancing with joy in the Old Testament text of 2 Samuel. Saul's daughter Michal was trying to rain on David's parade, but he didn't let her. He had no apologies for leaping and dancing before the Lord. He had joy before the Lord and showed it. David had reason for joy. David was bringing the ark of the covenant into the holy city of Jerusalem. The ark of the covenant was basically the container of the ten commandments that Moses brought down from Mt. Sinai- thought to be written by God. This was a big deal. The Isaelites had the understanding that where ever the ark was- there was God. God was pretty picky about where his presence would reside. So when David was given permission to bring God home- it was kind of a big deal. Like dancing a little naked in the street big deal.
Can you imagine if a great world leader did that? Just went dancing down the street? The criticism would come from every corner and every side- but I'd like to think I would appreciate it. Can you imagine if someone found a cure for cancer? They should dance- like- a lot. But you know what- I bet they wouldn't get the chance. They'd be too worried with how to reproduce the cure for maximum benefit, they'd be answering questions about side affects, the ethics of the research, the next project- of course once you've cured cancer- inevitably you must cure another disease. This is just a hypothetical situation- but you can see it playing out can't you? Even on a smaller scale this happens: when someone finds out they are getting promoted- they have to keep it down so that no one will think they are boasting. When you find out you are cancer free- you can't get too excited for fear that it'll return. When you find out you are pregnant, depending on your history- you have fear blocking your joy. When you arrive safely home from a vacation- instead of reflecting on the trip or being glad to be home- you start thinking right away about that pesty list of things to do and kick yourself for forgetting to turn the thermostat down. We don't allow ourselves the space to dance for joy. We have had some rough times lately- this world could use some victory dances. Why is expression of joy seen as indecent or irresponsible? Who have we become? Who took our child-like joy? As a mother I can say that there is no lukewarm in children- have you ever noticed that? Through Hunter I have seen joy.
Pure- out there joy. I get to witness it when Hunter sees his Daddy after a day of work- or after 30 seconds of absence. Children are good at joy. It comes easily before the pause of caution and conscious enters the brain. Growing up means losing some of that freedom to be completely abandoned to our emotions. I once heard a comedian talk about what might happen if he behaved like his newborn infant and broke down in tears anytime he didn't get what he wanted. We are taught at a young age that it is inappropriate to be overcome with emotion- and the lesson is understandable, but when is the last time you were just completely and utterly overcome with joy? When is the last time you danced with joy like David? Do we even allow ourselves to feel it like that anymore? I remember moments of childhood when I would swing on the swing set so high I thought if I let go I might just fly to the tops of the trees. I can remember watching the sunlight trickle down through the leaves to warm my face. I had joy- I often sang at the top of my lungs the song from the musical Oklahoma- "oh what a beautiful morning"- and I have a horrible voice! I'm glad I didn't think about who might have heard me. I embraced that joy and expressed it. My question this morning to everyone- including myself is this: Do we have the space, here in this church, to express that deep deep down in our heart kind of joy? When is the last time people in church saw how you were really feeling?
My older sister is a therapist and she has a special interest in counseling children using the method of play therapy. Many children feel freed and safe in a room full of toys and a sandbox- such that they will tell you infinitely more in that setting than any other. The other day she excitedly told me of her office expanding to have a big play room that was devoted entirely to games and toys. A space for children to play and express their true emotions. Adults often lose that safe place. Our playgrounds are abandoned for more proper ways to pass time. Our play room is empty. We often shut out that space to express our joy and play.
We are a cautious people, that is why the Samuel text makes us a little uncomfortable. It's a little awkward. We are taught to think that David is an absolute nutcase when he does the electric slide in front of the whole kingdom... forget his lack of clothing. We are a cautious people, we are taught to mute ourselves, don't draw too much attention to yourself. This is especially an issue for women who are taught not to be too aggressive or domineering. Men are taught not to cry- even tears of joy-because it isn't manly to cry. David- a man after God's own heart- throws his tunic in the face of these muted lives. These gifts of joy are not bottled or manufactured- these are moments that last only in glimpses and flickers. Feel them! Sing them! Smile all the way! Wave all the way! Hug all the way! Cry all the way- let those ugly tears come out and make you look contorted. Embrace the joy and let us feel it with you. Did you get a job promotion when it seems everyone around you is losing their jobs? May God give us the grace to share your joy! Did you just find out you were pregnant when your best friend can't get pregnant? May she wrap you with her tears of joy and sorrow intermingled. Are you depressed and any effort of showing emotion leaves you exhausted? Don't lose hope! You will not be like this forever. You will have joy. Did you spend too much on your flower arrangements for that party? Then you better enjoy those flowers! My Grandmother just confessed to me last week that as the youngest and only girl in her family- she was spoiled. But then she followed it with "But I enjoyed it, if you're going to be spoiled- may as well enjoy it!"
This freedom to have life and live it abundantly is not something God takes lightly. These gifts of joy are not little tokens of appreciation that God gives us for suffering through life. The freedom we are given from easter is not just from sin and death but FOR life. And God wants us to live it! So go ahead and weep and gnash those teeth when you are there in the depths, and when you are the mountain top: shout! Don't mute, don't store it for a more appropriate time- live it.
My Grandmother who died in November, Memaush, was a live and let live kind of woman. She had an opinion about everything- she had no filter and she was loud and gregarious and she smelled wonderful. She told stories and talked about people, she would get attached to characters on soap operas and in her romance novels like they were real people. She joined the red hat society because she loved going out to eat and wearing an obnoxious red hat. She befriended and learned the life story of every nurse in the hospital and rehab and assisted living facility, and lastly the hospice. She told them how she felt and whether it was their fault or not. She squeezed my hand the day she died. I miss her so much. She was real. She had joy and sorrow and we knew it. She taught me to be me and not to apologize for it. So in honor of Memaush- go feel that joy. Embrace it- squeeze someone's hand and give them a big unhindered smile. It's scary being that vulnerable, it's scary dancing in front of a crowd- but at least you won't be lukewarm. Have joy. Amen.
Gracious God,
make me sensitive to all the evidence of your goodness;
and may I, trusting in you,
free myself from the terror of death,
and feel free to live intensely and happily
the life you have given me. Amen.
Joy
2 samuel 6:16-22
16 As the ark of the Lord came into the city of David, Michal daughter of Saul looked out of the window, and saw King David leaping and dancing before the Lord; and she despised him in her heart.
17 They brought in the ark of the Lord, and set it in its place, inside the tent that David had pitched for it; and David offered burnt-offerings and offerings of well-being before the Lord. 18When David had finished offering the burnt-offerings and the offerings of well-being, he blessed the people in the name of the Lord of hosts, 19and distributed food among all the people, the whole multitude of Israel, both men and women, to each a cake of bread, a portion of meat,* and a cake of raisins. Then all the people went back to their homes.
20 David returned to bless his household. But Michal the daughter of Saul came out to meet David, and said, ‘How the king of Israel honoured himself today, uncovering himself today before the eyes of his servants’ maids, as any vulgar fellow might shamelessly uncover himself!’ 21David said to Michal, ‘It was before the Lord, who chose me in place of your father and all his household, to appoint me as prince over Israel, the people of the Lord, that I have danced before the Lord. 22I will make myself yet more contemptible than this, and I will be abased in my own eyes; but by the maids of whom you have spoken, by them I shall be held in honour.’
Revelation 3:15-16
15 ‘I know your works; you are neither cold nor hot. I wish that you were either cold or hot. 16So, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I am about to spit you out of my mouth.
I've got joy down in my heart, deep deep down in my heart. Jesus put it there, and no one else can dare destroy-stroy! Did you sing that as a youth? I remember when we sang it as loud as we could- jumping around- we were acting out the joy of the song. It was so silly- but it really was a joyful time! I feel like it was easier to feel joy then, easier to get caught up in that moment of joy and excitement. It was acceptable to sing your heart out and dance around. I also remember the songs that I connected with the not so joyful times. One song by Lucinda Williams- I heard for the first time with my sister after she had just broken up with Whit the Twit- well- that's what I called him anyway. The chorus went like this: (play song or read words)- You took my joy and I want it back, you took my joy and I want it back... This was a perfect song for the time because Whit really was a twit- he sucked the joy out of my sister's life- making her feel small and unworthy of love. Her joy had been stolen. There are times when we don't feel joyful- but we remember what it felt like- taste it and see it as we search for it to come back. That can be the most frustrating search. The movie Under the Tuscan Sun has this wonderful character who is full of life and words of wisdom. She tells a story of searching as a child for ladybugs, she searched for hours and didn't find a single one. Finally she fell asleep in the field, and when she woke up- the ladybugs were crawling all over her. Joy can be just as elusive when we search for it in the midst of sorrow.
I know it is mother's day and united methodist women's day and I'm standing here talking about joy and sorrow instead of babies and strong women- but if I may make the connection- joy has been on my mind recently as a direct result of babies and strong women. My son Hunter is my absolute favorite person in the world, with my husband Jason as a close second. I am a stay at home mom who spends a lot of time with her baby- so to say that it gets a little tiring after a while is to admit that though I am strong and hear me roar kind of woman- I have moments of absolute exhaustion, who knew that this would take so much energy? However, this exhausting endeavor of motherhood brings me great joy- if I allow myself to embrace and live out those moments. I recently lost a very special strong woman in my life- my Grandmother who we called Memaush, died last November. As I smell her pillows that I brought home from her house- I am filled with the powerful emotions of joyous remembrance and sorrowful grief. I am also helping to care for my Grandmother who lives here in Virginia. She has alzheimer's and though she is struggling with memory loss- it gives me so much joy to watch her sing a tune to Hunter or hold his hand as we cross the street. The combination of these responsibilities and losses and gains in my life have led me ultimately to a point where I need to talk about joy.
I have had the privilege to walk with many of you- if just for a few steps- in your journeys of joy and sorrow. I have cried for your losses and laughed with your joys. I have been to funerals for your loved ones, celebrated the births of your children and grandchildren. I have mourned the loss of your pregnancies, the loss of your friendships and marriages, the loss of your freedoms that come with age, the losses of your spouses and friends. I have celebrated the beginnings of your marriages and the beginnings of new friendships. In this very room- there are hundreds of beautiful life stories with joy and sorrow wrapped up together like a bouqet of flowers. There is a poem that I have shared with some of you in part or whole that I'd like to read now: it is by the author Kahlil Gibran:
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
and how else can it be?
the deeper sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
I love this poem. It gives us the perspective that joy and sorrow are not far removed from each other. It helps me to put images to the mystery of the ups and downs in life. It helps me to embrace both the joys and sorrows that surround us. I put this poem right next to the text from Revelation that we read this morning and it helped me understand it a little better. I used to read this scripture as a judgement on being anything but hot. I never understood why cold was better than lukewarm. In my Baptist roots- I was taught to equate these temperature readings with my own fervor for God. God would rather me be an enemy than on the fence, God would rather me be completely loyal than on the fence. It made sense to me that way- and it can still make sense. But after some of my life experiences, and after reading this poem- I wonder if the spirit can lead us down another path with this revelation text. Maybe we can think about hot and cold as joy and sorrow. Maybe we can understand that there will be times in our up and down lives when we will experience both emotions, both temperatures. Maybe God is saying to us: "I desire to be in honest relationship with you so much it hurts- I want you to love one another as yourself, and the mere thought that you would need to hide your life from me or from your community- it makes me sick." Maybe we can go deeper with this text from revelation and make the connection that joy and sorrow are not sinful. Joy is not pride and sorrow is not doubt. God accepts both and in fact wants both. Our joy is our enjoyment, our gratitude for that which we have come to love. Our sorrow is grief over losing that which gave us joy. Maybe in revelation John is speaking God's heart to a community that is being torn by persecution. John is telling the followers of Christ to keep together- keep confessing to each other and to God- confess not just your shortcomings but your joys. Confess not just your victories but your failures. Let this acceptance of the hot and cold give us a new strength to be unified in community. Let us refuse to be lukewarm to one another and to God so that we don't grow distant and complacent. Joy and sorrow are not only connected, but they are connecting for those who share them. What a challenge and necessity it must have been for these communities to band together in these tough times of persecution and fear.
We speak a lot about sorrow and lament in the Lenten season (especially here at Open Doors this lent as we journeyed through the Psalms together). Lent is a perfect time to face our mortality, face our sin, face our sorrow. This confrontation with the darker side of things often results in a little weeping and gnashing of teeth. I don't think that people really get the right image when they hear this phrase- so often coupled with images of the end of the world as we know it. Instead I see it as our best ancient description of expressing sorrow. Physical weeping and gnashing of teeth- it's what happens when you stub your toe on the sharpest corner in your house- absolute agony and astonishment at how much pain your toe could feel. When our souls weep and gnash- it is when we stub our hearts on the sharpest wedge in the universe- and that looks different for everyone.
If Lent is confronting the darker side of ourselves to include our own mortality- then I suppose Lent started for me in November when Memaush died- Thanksgiving was a blur. The funeral was the day after Thanksgiving and Hunter spiked a 102 fever that afternoon. We drove the next day from Florida back home to Virginia. The morning after we arrived home, I got a phone call at 630 in the morning that my other Grandmother was in the hospital. I could barely get up in the morning the pain of everything that had happened burdened me so much. I could barely feel emotion because I had no time to process any of it- no time to even weep and gnash as I explained each day to my Grandmother where she was and why she was there. I had no time to weep when I had to firmly advocate for my grandmother in the hospital and rehab place. I had no time to gnash my teeth when I had to give Hunter a bath with barely enough energy to make it past his bed time. I met sorrow face to face, but I didn't have the energy to do anything with it. In February, Jason and I took a class on the psalms- it was a great space for me to process some of what had happened in the last few months. Our teacher encouraged us to embrace the ugly side of the psalms, the dark sides that wept and gnashed loudly. I needed that- I needed to hear that and I needed to cry. I was depressed- emotion of any sort was sort of unavailable, numbness replaced my grief and exhaustion. Nothing was overly important. I lost my sorrow and my joy in one deep dive off the emotional cliffs. But Lent was a good thing. Through the classes, through support from my husband, family, through counseling and through God's open embrace of all my weeping and gnashing- I found my voice again. My voice was sorrowful but it was better than nothingness, better than being numb. Then came the spring, when the trees bloomed and the sun shone. Then came my sister telling me she was pregnant, then came a few trips to Florida to gather some of Memaush's things and bring them back so that it seems she is always with me. Then came my Grandmother's acceptance to move to Florida to be close to my Dad and Mom. Then came hope. Then at last, like witnessing my first sunrise- came joy. I had been frantically searching for it- and suddenly it just dawned on me- it was crawling all over me and I embraced it. As much we talked in lent about being able to name our sadness, being freed to express our anger and depression within the safety of a church community- I realized we also need to fight for a space to express our joy.
We could take lessons on expression from the great king David. I found David dancing with joy in the Old Testament text of 2 Samuel. Saul's daughter Michal was trying to rain on David's parade, but he didn't let her. He had no apologies for leaping and dancing before the Lord. He had joy before the Lord and showed it. David had reason for joy. David was bringing the ark of the covenant into the holy city of Jerusalem. The ark of the covenant was basically the container of the ten commandments that Moses brought down from Mt. Sinai- thought to be written by God. This was a big deal. The Isaelites had the understanding that where ever the ark was- there was God. God was pretty picky about where his presence would reside. So when David was given permission to bring God home- it was kind of a big deal. Like dancing a little naked in the street big deal.
Can you imagine if a great world leader did that? Just went dancing down the street? The criticism would come from every corner and every side- but I'd like to think I would appreciate it. Can you imagine if someone found a cure for cancer? They should dance- like- a lot. But you know what- I bet they wouldn't get the chance. They'd be too worried with how to reproduce the cure for maximum benefit, they'd be answering questions about side affects, the ethics of the research, the next project- of course once you've cured cancer- inevitably you must cure another disease. This is just a hypothetical situation- but you can see it playing out can't you? Even on a smaller scale this happens: when someone finds out they are getting promoted- they have to keep it down so that no one will think they are boasting. When you find out you are cancer free- you can't get too excited for fear that it'll return. When you find out you are pregnant, depending on your history- you have fear blocking your joy. When you arrive safely home from a vacation- instead of reflecting on the trip or being glad to be home- you start thinking right away about that pesty list of things to do and kick yourself for forgetting to turn the thermostat down. We don't allow ourselves the space to dance for joy. We have had some rough times lately- this world could use some victory dances. Why is expression of joy seen as indecent or irresponsible? Who have we become? Who took our child-like joy? As a mother I can say that there is no lukewarm in children- have you ever noticed that? Through Hunter I have seen joy.
Pure- out there joy. I get to witness it when Hunter sees his Daddy after a day of work- or after 30 seconds of absence. Children are good at joy. It comes easily before the pause of caution and conscious enters the brain. Growing up means losing some of that freedom to be completely abandoned to our emotions. I once heard a comedian talk about what might happen if he behaved like his newborn infant and broke down in tears anytime he didn't get what he wanted. We are taught at a young age that it is inappropriate to be overcome with emotion- and the lesson is understandable, but when is the last time you were just completely and utterly overcome with joy? When is the last time you danced with joy like David? Do we even allow ourselves to feel it like that anymore? I remember moments of childhood when I would swing on the swing set so high I thought if I let go I might just fly to the tops of the trees. I can remember watching the sunlight trickle down through the leaves to warm my face. I had joy- I often sang at the top of my lungs the song from the musical Oklahoma- "oh what a beautiful morning"- and I have a horrible voice! I'm glad I didn't think about who might have heard me. I embraced that joy and expressed it. My question this morning to everyone- including myself is this: Do we have the space, here in this church, to express that deep deep down in our heart kind of joy? When is the last time people in church saw how you were really feeling?
My older sister is a therapist and she has a special interest in counseling children using the method of play therapy. Many children feel freed and safe in a room full of toys and a sandbox- such that they will tell you infinitely more in that setting than any other. The other day she excitedly told me of her office expanding to have a big play room that was devoted entirely to games and toys. A space for children to play and express their true emotions. Adults often lose that safe place. Our playgrounds are abandoned for more proper ways to pass time. Our play room is empty. We often shut out that space to express our joy and play.
We are a cautious people, that is why the Samuel text makes us a little uncomfortable. It's a little awkward. We are taught to think that David is an absolute nutcase when he does the electric slide in front of the whole kingdom... forget his lack of clothing. We are a cautious people, we are taught to mute ourselves, don't draw too much attention to yourself. This is especially an issue for women who are taught not to be too aggressive or domineering. Men are taught not to cry- even tears of joy-because it isn't manly to cry. David- a man after God's own heart- throws his tunic in the face of these muted lives. These gifts of joy are not bottled or manufactured- these are moments that last only in glimpses and flickers. Feel them! Sing them! Smile all the way! Wave all the way! Hug all the way! Cry all the way- let those ugly tears come out and make you look contorted. Embrace the joy and let us feel it with you. Did you get a job promotion when it seems everyone around you is losing their jobs? May God give us the grace to share your joy! Did you just find out you were pregnant when your best friend can't get pregnant? May she wrap you with her tears of joy and sorrow intermingled. Are you depressed and any effort of showing emotion leaves you exhausted? Don't lose hope! You will not be like this forever. You will have joy. Did you spend too much on your flower arrangements for that party? Then you better enjoy those flowers! My Grandmother just confessed to me last week that as the youngest and only girl in her family- she was spoiled. But then she followed it with "But I enjoyed it, if you're going to be spoiled- may as well enjoy it!"
This freedom to have life and live it abundantly is not something God takes lightly. These gifts of joy are not little tokens of appreciation that God gives us for suffering through life. The freedom we are given from easter is not just from sin and death but FOR life. And God wants us to live it! So go ahead and weep and gnash those teeth when you are there in the depths, and when you are the mountain top: shout! Don't mute, don't store it for a more appropriate time- live it.
My Grandmother who died in November, Memaush, was a live and let live kind of woman. She had an opinion about everything- she had no filter and she was loud and gregarious and she smelled wonderful. She told stories and talked about people, she would get attached to characters on soap operas and in her romance novels like they were real people. She joined the red hat society because she loved going out to eat and wearing an obnoxious red hat. She befriended and learned the life story of every nurse in the hospital and rehab and assisted living facility, and lastly the hospice. She told them how she felt and whether it was their fault or not. She squeezed my hand the day she died. I miss her so much. She was real. She had joy and sorrow and we knew it. She taught me to be me and not to apologize for it. So in honor of Memaush- go feel that joy. Embrace it- squeeze someone's hand and give them a big unhindered smile. It's scary being that vulnerable, it's scary dancing in front of a crowd- but at least you won't be lukewarm. Have joy. Amen.
Sermon Success
Yea! I preached 3 services this morning and have one more to go this afternoon. I am copying the sermon. I will say I felt inspired by God- many people told me I wrote the sermon just for them- which tells me that God was moving in my heart when I felt compelled to preach on joy. The senior pastor said something that I'm going to have to mull over later... he said I had a gift for preaching and with that came responsibilities- and that I should think about what to do with that gift. Shoot- I was happy with the yearly shot I got at preaching. Now I have to think about it. Deep thoughts aside- I feel good about it- feel good about the sermon and the day. Here it is!
ok- dang it. for some reason I can't cut and paste- does anyone know a way around this?
ok- dang it. for some reason I can't cut and paste- does anyone know a way around this?
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Sermon Writing...
Ok- so tomorrow's post will most likely be my final version of my sermon and perhaps some reflection on it being spoken out loud. In the meantime- let me offer up a few words on what I'm doing and ask for your prayers.
I'm being kind of vulnerable in this sermon. For a purpose- I'm sort of "coming out" with my struggle with depression. Not in the "woe is me, my life sucks" way- but more in the- "hot damn, I found joy and so can you!" way. I won't say damn in the sermon though. Not on purpose anyway. I'll let you read the sermon tomorrow and find out for yourself if it was worth preaching- but in the meantime, prayers are requested. There is something holy about being given the opportunity to speak in front of 400 people about what God is and can be doing. It sort of gives me happy shivers every time. I love preaching- even when it scares me. More because of this moment right when I step up to the pulpit and say that prayer that consecrates my gift of words to be used by God, for God, and for the community in Christ.
I found a prayer in the United Methodist Hymnal that speaks to what I am trying to say...
Gracious God,
make me sensitive to all the evidence of your goodness;
and may I, trusting in you,
free myself from the terror of death,
and feel free to live intensely and happily
the life you have given me. Amen.
I'm being kind of vulnerable in this sermon. For a purpose- I'm sort of "coming out" with my struggle with depression. Not in the "woe is me, my life sucks" way- but more in the- "hot damn, I found joy and so can you!" way. I won't say damn in the sermon though. Not on purpose anyway. I'll let you read the sermon tomorrow and find out for yourself if it was worth preaching- but in the meantime, prayers are requested. There is something holy about being given the opportunity to speak in front of 400 people about what God is and can be doing. It sort of gives me happy shivers every time. I love preaching- even when it scares me. More because of this moment right when I step up to the pulpit and say that prayer that consecrates my gift of words to be used by God, for God, and for the community in Christ.
I found a prayer in the United Methodist Hymnal that speaks to what I am trying to say...
Gracious God,
make me sensitive to all the evidence of your goodness;
and may I, trusting in you,
free myself from the terror of death,
and feel free to live intensely and happily
the life you have given me. Amen.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Tired Mama
Today someone said happy Mother's Day (it was at Grandmother's place)- and it really rang genuine for me. He was a maintenance guy holding the elevator open for me and Hunter, (who was independently walking into the elevator as I pushed a vacant stroller in) and made sure Grandmother got in behind me. I think he loves his mama, and maybe his wife is a mama- because he seemed to get it. And he didn't mind that Hunter practically walked between his legs to get in the elevator.
Today made me a tired but happy woman. Jason and I have been going to counseling- more on the dealing with my depression front, and to make sure we stopped the cycle of me being awful and Jason feeling awful and then me feeling awful- before it became really bad. So I'd like to think we took a good marriage and refreshed it. That was made clear on days like today. Jason has been working on his paper that was due for class (he's working on his Doctor of Ministry), and stayed up til 345am doing it. I woke up with Hunter this morning at 7pm, knowing the kind of night Jason had- and I lasted for about 1 hour- then I just started feeling really bad- like nauseous and headache bad. I'm not pregnant- my body just finished proving to me that I am not pregnant. So, I woke Jason up and asked if he could watch Hunter just for a little bit so I could lay down and hopefully get this yuckiness to pass. He let me sleep 2 hours. My heart is overwhelmed right now with the kind of generosity that required of him- he had no sleep and still wasn't done with the paper. And- he was concerned for ME! I willed myself to feel better- took some advil, took a shower and headed off to Grandmother's house for lunch. I knew that Jason needed us to get out of the house so he could get his work done. This is success. We were on the same side of survival today. 6 months ago today would have looked drastically different.
Hooray for being on the same team! Hooray for amazing marriages! Have I mentioned I love my husband? Oh and Hunter was a good boy today. So good I let him have a cookie and a half at lunch- plus he said "peeaase." I don't care who you are - that's cute and he deserves a cookie.
Today made me a tired but happy woman. Jason and I have been going to counseling- more on the dealing with my depression front, and to make sure we stopped the cycle of me being awful and Jason feeling awful and then me feeling awful- before it became really bad. So I'd like to think we took a good marriage and refreshed it. That was made clear on days like today. Jason has been working on his paper that was due for class (he's working on his Doctor of Ministry), and stayed up til 345am doing it. I woke up with Hunter this morning at 7pm, knowing the kind of night Jason had- and I lasted for about 1 hour- then I just started feeling really bad- like nauseous and headache bad. I'm not pregnant- my body just finished proving to me that I am not pregnant. So, I woke Jason up and asked if he could watch Hunter just for a little bit so I could lay down and hopefully get this yuckiness to pass. He let me sleep 2 hours. My heart is overwhelmed right now with the kind of generosity that required of him- he had no sleep and still wasn't done with the paper. And- he was concerned for ME! I willed myself to feel better- took some advil, took a shower and headed off to Grandmother's house for lunch. I knew that Jason needed us to get out of the house so he could get his work done. This is success. We were on the same side of survival today. 6 months ago today would have looked drastically different.
Hooray for being on the same team! Hooray for amazing marriages! Have I mentioned I love my husband? Oh and Hunter was a good boy today. So good I let him have a cookie and a half at lunch- plus he said "peeaase." I don't care who you are - that's cute and he deserves a cookie.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Priorities
I just spent the majority of Hunter's wonderfully long nap talking to my sister on the phone. I was supposed to use that time to do laundry and blog. Right now I'm stealing minutes as Hunter happily chats himself awake to make my daily post. My post is to say that I have my priorities straight. Talking to Kelly was what I really wanted to do. So there. : )
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Zoo
The National Zoo in DC is fabulous. Driving to and from it- not so fabulous. I have not been there or back the same way ever. Each time I go I end up going a different way, and even in the same day on the way back- a uniquely new way. We went today (2 new ways)- John, Nancy, Becca, Jason, Hunter and I. The best part- I love the pandas and sloth bears. The pandas were particularly cute today- not because they were acting cute, but because Hunter said "PANDA" every time he saw a panda- and that includes pictures. If you have been to the Panda exhibit- you know that Hunter was nearly out of breath when we left- there are panda pictures everywhere! It was funny. Also- our good friend Amanda he calls Panda (or badah)- so I thought she would have enjoyed his practice of her name. : ) The sloth bears I love because they exude laziness- just their physical stature alone tells me they are tired. It's hilarious. They slouch when they sit, and laying down on their belly or side is absolutely silly- they lay on a hill, belly up and paws sprawled. Love it.
Now we are all back home and doing our best sloth bear impression as we manage to keep our napped (in the car) children entertained while we rest as well as we can. Fun is a lot of work.
I wore a skirt which seems fancy for animals - but this is the most comfortable skirt I own. It is not tight at all (which is more than I can say for the majority of my clothing right now- no- not pregnant- just fat)- and it is this gauzy cotton fabric that just breezes in the air. There is plenty of... um... circulation- and it was a hot day in need of circulation. I love it.
I am now slowly sliding down my chair . . . i think I'm going to go sit in the recliner.
Oh- random thing on my mind today... I have a meeting tonight (sort of) where I am going to be thanked for my leadership and given a parting gift. I have stepped away from this position of leadership in the church and I feel really awkward accepting this gift and thanks. I stepped out for many reasons- one of which was I just needed a break- but I felt God was calling me out of the ministry- and maybe God didn't use the word failure- but I did. I just felt like a crappy leader and I know for a fact that I didn't do all I should have. So I don't feel genuine about receiving thanks for what I feel was poor leadership. Does that make sense? I understand that I was helpful and formed positive relationships within the group- but what I'm dreading is the moment when they say how wonderful I was and how they appreciate all my hard work. If I believed two words of that- it would be a lot easier. And maybe they won't say all that- but this is a pretty gregarious and grateful group. I imagine they will. I even feel bad about whining about it- because it isn't their fault or problem- I just feel like a failure, and hearing thanks for a job crappily done only makes me feel guilty for accepting it.
ps- i know this is mental. as harry potter and his friends put it.
Now we are all back home and doing our best sloth bear impression as we manage to keep our napped (in the car) children entertained while we rest as well as we can. Fun is a lot of work.
I wore a skirt which seems fancy for animals - but this is the most comfortable skirt I own. It is not tight at all (which is more than I can say for the majority of my clothing right now- no- not pregnant- just fat)- and it is this gauzy cotton fabric that just breezes in the air. There is plenty of... um... circulation- and it was a hot day in need of circulation. I love it.
I am now slowly sliding down my chair . . . i think I'm going to go sit in the recliner.
Oh- random thing on my mind today... I have a meeting tonight (sort of) where I am going to be thanked for my leadership and given a parting gift. I have stepped away from this position of leadership in the church and I feel really awkward accepting this gift and thanks. I stepped out for many reasons- one of which was I just needed a break- but I felt God was calling me out of the ministry- and maybe God didn't use the word failure- but I did. I just felt like a crappy leader and I know for a fact that I didn't do all I should have. So I don't feel genuine about receiving thanks for what I feel was poor leadership. Does that make sense? I understand that I was helpful and formed positive relationships within the group- but what I'm dreading is the moment when they say how wonderful I was and how they appreciate all my hard work. If I believed two words of that- it would be a lot easier. And maybe they won't say all that- but this is a pretty gregarious and grateful group. I imagine they will. I even feel bad about whining about it- because it isn't their fault or problem- I just feel like a failure, and hearing thanks for a job crappily done only makes me feel guilty for accepting it.
ps- i know this is mental. as harry potter and his friends put it.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Early Mornings
Jason is nice. Hunter woke up at 530 this morning for no reason and spent the morning whining- most likely because he was up early and cranky. These are the days you wish you could reason with a child, "if you sleep in, you will be happier." Jason let me sleep until 8am because he knew I basically wouldn't be able to get up and deal with a cranky Hunter. Nice man. Hunter is currently in the crib enjoying some alone time. He is not asleep- but he seems perfectly content hanging out there. Who am I to disturb him? I'm drinking a cup of coffee- trying to wake up enough to handle more than 3 different noise sources. In the morning- even one person talking to me can be a little more than I can do.
One of the things I learned in the whole depression journey is that you really have to take care of yourself- which is actually sometimes more annoying and frustrating than it is helpful and empowering. Example- I'm a better person with a good amount of sleep and good food in my body. With any trial of depression- you are not only just a little grumpy when these elemental needs aren't met- you are downright horrific. So- it's a little obnoxious when something like sleep is out of your complete control or at least you try to do something fun (date night) and your child wakes up at 530am. Good food- well that's just a struggle because I have to do two things that don't come naturally or enjoyable: plan and shop. I have gotten better at all these things- but here's the rub- today I'm a little grumpy- because we have friends in town and I've been staying up late to have fun and eating a little less healthy. It's a little inconvenient.
and now Hunter has moved from content talking to intermittent whining talking today he has Mother's Day out- soooo... I'm passing the buck today. Poor kid. My hope is that he'll start feeling a little better and sleeping better. : )
One of the things I learned in the whole depression journey is that you really have to take care of yourself- which is actually sometimes more annoying and frustrating than it is helpful and empowering. Example- I'm a better person with a good amount of sleep and good food in my body. With any trial of depression- you are not only just a little grumpy when these elemental needs aren't met- you are downright horrific. So- it's a little obnoxious when something like sleep is out of your complete control or at least you try to do something fun (date night) and your child wakes up at 530am. Good food- well that's just a struggle because I have to do two things that don't come naturally or enjoyable: plan and shop. I have gotten better at all these things- but here's the rub- today I'm a little grumpy- because we have friends in town and I've been staying up late to have fun and eating a little less healthy. It's a little inconvenient.
and now Hunter has moved from content talking to intermittent whining talking today he has Mother's Day out- soooo... I'm passing the buck today. Poor kid. My hope is that he'll start feeling a little better and sleeping better. : )
Monday, May 3, 2010
Selfish Ambitions
My dear brother in law wrote the comment on the post yesterday about me posting pictures and such- of course, understandably, since his daughter is missing from the archives. I really do want to post all sorts of new pictures and things on my blog. The problem is- it's not easy for me to do. Our computer is a little slow and so am I. I have selfish ambitions. I care more about posting to fulfill my goal of writing every day for a year, rather than pictures. So- just to clarify- this isn't going to be one of those blogs where you catch every recent photo of my family or milestones in Hunter's life- unless of course that is what strikes me to write about that day. I shouldn't feel this way- but when I got my first comment- I was excited- like- yea- someone is going to support me in my writing endeavor- my healing journey- my ............ yea- someone wants pictures. Of course- and for good reason (sorry Jeff- I do love you).
Don't worry- you will get pictures and cute stories- like the fact that Hunter can say like a hundred million words now- and still when he says Mama- it's the sweetest sound. And when we go to family vacation after Jessa's graduation from Auburn University- we will very likely take pictures of our ridiculously adorable children (Hunter and our beautiful redheaded niece, Lucy)- and I will see if Jason can post them up here. I'll try. : )
But- don't expect this to be a normal Mom blog. 'Cause I have selfish ambitions here. : )
Don't worry- you will get pictures and cute stories- like the fact that Hunter can say like a hundred million words now- and still when he says Mama- it's the sweetest sound. And when we go to family vacation after Jessa's graduation from Auburn University- we will very likely take pictures of our ridiculously adorable children (Hunter and our beautiful redheaded niece, Lucy)- and I will see if Jason can post them up here. I'll try. : )
But- don't expect this to be a normal Mom blog. 'Cause I have selfish ambitions here. : )
Sunday, May 2, 2010
people overload
I love people, I really do. I also love quiet moments and being by myself. I went to church this morning- which as a pastor's wife is close to hosting a party every time you go. I went to Sunday School, socialized during the half hour between Sunday school and church, then went to church. I dropped off and picked up Hunter at child care. The average church goer may speak to two or three people in the halls, the childcare giver and the handful of people in their class and maybe a couple of people and the pastor on their way out of "big church." I was kissed at least twice (not by my husband, and not that I minded- I love the old people who kiss me), I was told of a dream that involved me and my future baby girl (no- I'm not pregnant), I was hugged by numerous people, I asked about someone who is dying, and I made a business connection for a friend. That was a slow Sunday. Usually I'm pretty good with it all- but I think between the baby shower Saturday and church today- I'm overloaded on people. I even got annoyed at lunch today with the waiter- mostly because he was just another person talking to me.
The good thing is that some people in my life don't count as people- and I mean that in a good way. They are the kind of people that when I want to be alone- if they are in the room- I'm still able to have my peaceful moments. (of course there are those emergecy situations when even I am a person that needs to go away- so naps or quiet zoning out work for those days.) Jason is one of those delightful non-people people (my husband), y friends John and Nancy from seminary are alos not people. They are in town this week- which is super fun. Ok - now I need to go spend some time with my non-people people.
The good thing is that some people in my life don't count as people- and I mean that in a good way. They are the kind of people that when I want to be alone- if they are in the room- I'm still able to have my peaceful moments. (of course there are those emergecy situations when even I am a person that needs to go away- so naps or quiet zoning out work for those days.) Jason is one of those delightful non-people people (my husband), y friends John and Nancy from seminary are alos not people. They are in town this week- which is super fun. Ok - now I need to go spend some time with my non-people people.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Success!
Baby shower- complete. Other than the girl who had to get drugged up before she came so she could face the lilies (she is allergic)- it went without a hitch! : ) I am exhausted. I love people and love being hospitable, but being an introvert - 3 hours of people makes me worn out.
We have leftover Chick Fil A, there isn't much better than that. It truly was a pleasure using them to cater the shower. They give you plates, cups, ice, sauces, etc. Seriously a good deal!
I am too tired for deep today- so here is my entry. Food, fun and lilies was a success- it was good to treat a dear friend to a nice party. : )
We have leftover Chick Fil A, there isn't much better than that. It truly was a pleasure using them to cater the shower. They give you plates, cups, ice, sauces, etc. Seriously a good deal!
I am too tired for deep today- so here is my entry. Food, fun and lilies was a success- it was good to treat a dear friend to a nice party. : )
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)