Stubborn =

Hunter. So stubborn is he that instead of napping, after crying himself exhausted- he is sleeping standing up. Arms folded over the crib's edge, blanket under his cheek- dozing off while standing. When he jerks awake, he grabs a different soft thing to rest his head on. Does he lie down so he can take a real nap? No, God forbid it.

These are the moments when I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I mean really. Lie down and go to sleep. Why am I the only one in the house that understands this simple concept? If I was given the chance to lie down and go to sleep- I would take it in a heartbeat. But no- I get to watch two babies who seem to hate sleep- one must be vibrated and swung to stay asleep- the other just refuses to put his head down- like the mattress is made of crusty vomit.

I am in what I like to call a "I hate everyone" mood. No one in particular- just kind of want to take a vacation all by myself to a cave. I got a speeding ticket on the way home from Nashville. This is where the mood started. I was supposedly going 78 in a 65, which confused me because I usually only set my cruise for about 8 over the limit- so I thought the cop clocked me wrong- then I realized it must have been a speed trap and the speed limit must have just changed from 70 (which it was more the majority of our 13 hour drive) to 65. No warning- just a ticket. Why? Because the state needs money and cops are just another version of tax collectors. At least it feels like that. I cried. SO angry. SO tired. Of course I didn't let the cop see that- but it wouldn't have made any difference if I was Mother Theresa with a 2 year old. I swore off driving and people after that- and so far it hasn't been successful. I haven't driven since then- but apparently we're making a trip to the in-laws this weekend. I really hope I'm nice to them. I don't feel nice.

Even in the midst of my I hate everyone mood- I managed to think of a fun non-profit idea... called "Making Cents" - where I'll figure out a way for people to donate their gift cards with a stupid amount of money left on it (29 cents) and with companies' help- I'll turn those cents into dollars and cash and donate them to charities. Was thinking of starting small- like with Children's Hospital or something, then going further. Here's the problem- I've got all sorts of great ideas. I just don't know how to make them happen.

OK- while Hunter is "resting" and so is Lily- I'm going to at least rest. I hope I'll get my act back together, start liking ppl and write more in my blog about happy things.

Going Home

Starting my homeward trek tomorrow- kind of excited about being home- but really sad to leave Nashville. I think if I didn't live in Fairfax- I would have to live here. Can't write much tonight because I need my sleep before the long haul... but I've got good stuff to write about so stay tuned! Sorry to be such a loser about this whole blog this week! : )

Oh my Lord

I haven't blogged in 6 days, was just about to sit down (well, I am sitting down) to write a blog finally (well, I am doing it) when Hunter decided to start crying- after I put him to bed- for no reason- at ALL. I am in Nashville because I'm obsessive about seeing my family when I get a chance and the last time I saw my niece Lucy was May and the next time I would see her is December. So I'm here because my nannying gig was given a wed-sunday hiatus.

And Hunter is crying. He didn't take a nap today (scratch that- he slept a measly 30 minutes in the car on the way back from the library and ice cream stop). So USUALLY that means night time is a done deal easy peasy. Unless of course I am by myself in parenting and 10 hours from home and tired. Then of course Hunter will decide to cry. For freaking real.

I am ignoring.

So. What's been keeping me from blogging? A couple days where the babies (Lily and Hunter) didn't coordinate their schedules for me, so naturally they didn't sleep for two seconds at the same time. I was at the in-laws for the weekend, and there isn't a whole lot of time to say "hey- I'm going to go blog while you guys bond." Then I was driving back and forth to a few things...like an impromptu Nashville visit... Then there is the tiredness that comes will all of the mentioned things that causes it to be less motivating to go blog.

OK- he's still crying. I'm going to check it out. Arg. There's my blog. That's what I've been up to. Managing crying babies.

The child that never sleeps

This is the child
this is the child
this is the child that never sleeps

Seriously. This child is a very good baby- but has a knack for not allowing herself to sleep. Example (keep in mind she is 2.5 months old- and can roll over already btw)... she has been here since 11am, she has slept a total of 30 minutes. It is now 3pm. I guess you can add 20 minutes if you count the sleepy state she drank her bottle in. I usually don't count that- she does. Right now she is in a vibrating swing that seems to be losing its magic and she is really trying hard not to sleep. I think he just might sleep- but wow. Even if you include the sleepy drinking time- that is 40 minutes in the span of 4 hours. For those of you not familiar with infants- this is a little strange. For those of you who had a baby like mine- it borders on alien. She's doing what I like to call the 7 mile stare right now... there is hope that she'll sleep!

heavy eyes...

Stare...

well I'll move on and let you know when I have success. So I had breakfast this morning with the "lead" pastor (he prefers that to senior- which is fine, but it's semantics to me)... it was nice. He's a bit ADHD but in the friendly I still actually remember your name way. It's so different for me to feel comfortable talking to my pastor much less making fun of him.

She's crying... fussing really- because this is the child that never sleeps. She's pissed because she's so damn tired. GO TO SLEEP.

Staring again...

Heavy eyes...

Back to the lead pastor... so I talked to him too much about the whole struggle of my calling/jobs/meaning that seems to circle me like a gnat on a hot summer day. It just won't leave me alone. I can't forget about it and for some reason I feel compelled to tell every listening soul about it at one point or another. Obnoxious.

droopy eyes...

So the lead pastor tells me the obvious stuff- get what you need to be ordained/become a chaplain/ whatever. This isn't particularly helpful because if it were that easy- I'd be on it. But instead I am a woman- who went to grad school too young- got married - had a baby- got invested in her husband's church and is completely invested in this methodist community that I want nothing to do with as far as careers go (meaning- I don't want to be ordained in the methodist church- I don't fit). And I have no current denomination or money or time. So that makes things a bit difficult. Not impossible- but difficult.

Asleep. Fi-na-lly.

So I tried to explain to a motivated white male in his 50s what it was like to be a scared responsbility-laden woman in her 20s (for at least this last year until I enter the more responsible 30s). He didn't completely get it- but they never do- but he did change his MO. This makes me sound a littlel immature- I don't mean to say that this man does not have family responsibilities or has no fear of risk-taking. I do mean to say that the tracks are generally much more clear for the men in this world (forget about ministry) and they don't have to physically give up their bodies for nearly 2 years to accomplish having a baby. Oh and they don't have to regain their body after those 2 years and think about doing it all over again (don't get me wrong- pregnant is one of the best I've ever felt- but it takes its toll).

OK- back to the conversation- he basically said (this is condensing a bit): create your own job in the church. He was thinking more hodpodge I believe (start a yoga cass, start a respite care program)... but it got me thinking. And now I have a google document (don't you just love gmail?) that is basically my lead pastor inspired, coffee high driven proposal for myself as an outreach coordinator for the church. I've worked myself up to full time now. I actually have staffing needs.

Here's the deal. I'm excited and feeling ridiculous at the same time. Do I really think I can accomplish all of this (or at least coordinate others to accomplish things)? I mean seriously- my list is a revolution. It's kind of like I assume that having created this job for myself suddenly gives me motivation and sure success. Success in things that people in the church have tried- maybe not hard- but tried. I'm banking on volunteers in my revolutionary list... and I had the hardest time recruiting volunteers when I was on staff before. I'm assuming to know more than I do, to have more energy than I do- and to meet with unconditional success. And meanwhile I'm going to start a spanish-speaking service that will be so wildly successful that we have a spanish-speaking pastor appointed here and buy the used car lot below us on rt. 50 to start a sister church. This is what I'm talking about- these are the galaxies I am shooting for- and while I know it is possible- I have an almost impossible time believing it is possible with me. And yes I know- all things are possible with God- blah blah blah- no disrespecting- what I mean is- God uses us- and sure- God is awesome at it and great things have been accomplished. I'm just not sure my drain-pipe plan for a self-made career to do all the things I think the church should do is necessarily going to be completely ordained or supported by God. And even if it is supported by God (which at least on the level of the vision I have- I hope so)- then I still find it impossible to believe I am the one to carry it out.

So there ya have it. I have a hugemongous fear of failure. Self-sabotaging fear. And that's that.

Still sleeping. Thank God. At least I can do this.

Harry Potter

How do I love thee. I just got done watching the latest movie (I borrowed it from a friend a while ago and was delighted to see that I had not returned it). Now I kind of want to watch another one. The only justification that I have is that I quite possibly might do laundry. I was supposed to during the last one but dinner and the plot got in the way. I really really really love Harry Potter. I mean- I'm not one to be obsessive- but this book series is like an awakening for literature. Seriously. I stand by this comment.

So- today I had Lily again and she was pretty good- she still needs a lot of help sleeping, but hey- that's what vibrating swings are for. I need to make sure I have battery back-up. : ) We went outside and organized my sun room a little bit. Nothing like some fresh air, plants and a broom to improve the mood. The day before yesterday I was kind of in a funk- actually- maybe it was yesterday- either way- it continued until today when my Husband and Harry helped snap me out of it. I'm not saying I won't slip back- but let's just say that a little Harry goes a long way. That and an encouraging phone call from my husband.

I'm trying to be good and pick up and organize more- but my steam is kind of out. I did our room. And it looks good. But that's basically it. I need to pick up a little bit before the cleaning people get here tomorrow (that's right- remember- my sanity?) but other than that I'm done.

Two thoughts: 1) I'm going to have to kiss my sanity goodbye (the cleaning people) because although many of you out there probably made the assumption that my husband and I as a pastor and nanny are rolling in the dough- strangely we aren't. And now that my Grandmother isn't nearby and I'm not getting paid to take care of her- I'm going to have to cut back.... a lot. Granted- we are not frivolous people. We do not have cable. I don't make it a habit to get my nails done or hair cut unless I'm at my parent's house or looking like rag doll. I cut Jason's hair. We own our cars- so no payments there. We don't pay rent because we live in the church-owned parsonage. Our main luxuries are eating out occasionally and movies or date night with the nice expense of babysitters. In a moment of insanity (or sanity depending on how you look at it) I told Jason that we would have to never go out to eat or the movies, and stop eating meat every meal. How I came up with the meat part I'm not sure. But yea- in comes sensible Jason calming me down and encouraging me. Here's the kicker- I can probably give up most of our "luxuries" - but I am super duper bummed about the cleaning. This to me is my therapy bill. I did not inherit the same clean-gene that my older sister got, nor the energy level that my little sister got. And I married a.... well.... moderate slob. He's not bad- but he's no neat freak either.

So yea. I'm going to go watch some more Harry Potter. Drown all my worries in Potter. Who's with me?

I just realized I was supposed to have a second thought. Um. The economy sucks and Northern Virginia is freakin expensive. Ok- that's 3 total thoughts for you there.

The H was L

So- I had lukewarm heat yesterday. It was fine- I got some stuff done, but two things got in the way of full on ON: 1) Baby- of course, 2) The AC was broken upstairs, which means the heat was actually steadily rising- but not in my ablity to get stuff done, but rather I experienced the slow-down effect that happens when it is muggy hot in your house. I moved in slow motion... which is probably why all schools waste a gazillion dollars a year on the most frigid setting in air conditioning... cold also has the same effect on me- so they lost me either way.

Right now I'm watching Lily in the monitor as she is DEtermined NOT to sleep. She isn't crying (yet) but she's jerking her body around- flailing her feet and knocking her head against the mattress- just in case she may be fooled into going to sleep. These are the times when I wish rational conversation worked on infants: "Sweetheart- you're 2.5 months old- you're supposed to sleep a lot- now would be one of those optimal times to try it out." Or maybe peer pressure: "Lily, dear- every other 2.5 month old is sleeping right now." But no- she has to do it her way- which is very like her mother (it's true, Amanda!). So yea- here I am to coax her into doing the right thing, and writing a blog until she has decided once and for all whether she will listen or not.

Meanwhile the air conditioner was indeed fixed this morning- so the AC is back on upstairs (yea), giving me no excuse to be slow. I was supposed to do dinner with a friend at 5 this afternoon, but she called sick and is taking a rain-check. So now I have the evening (at least until Liz comes over) and no excuses. GOT to get stuff done.

Seriously, she's still squirming. persistent little bugger.

So- the reason I am so determined to get things done is because A) I'm all by myself and it is SO much easier to get things accomplished this way and B) Jason is always Mr. Accomplishment when I leave (of course he gets weekends- but still)... so I feel like I have to live up to these weird expectations that no real person except myself has put on me.

So I think she's asleep. I'm calling it at 11:45. She better sleep longer than 20 minutes. We're in sleep training mood. Well- I am.

So I had a lovely dinner with a friend of mine last night- and it reminded me how simple friendships are really kind of nice and should be nurtured. That seems weird to say- but I grew up in the military so my theory on friendship was/is a little skewed. Basically friends are there in each place and are nice to hang out with and enjoy. When (not if, when) you move- there's a significant chance that you'll lose touch with most of your friends- so it's not really wise to be heavily invested in them. The investment time needs to go towards your family. This is what I was taught- through experience and my parent's repetition that we'll always have our family (sometimes this was seen as a threat). So- I was bad at investing in friendships. I still am. I enjoy hanging out with people- but as an introvert, military brat whose best friends are her husband and two sisters- it's kind of like I have my quota for friends satisfied. BUT- then again- I have those handful of friends that somehow I decided was worth keeping in touch with- and they have been treasures. I have maybe 2-3 friends from college and 2-3 friends from seminary that I am still invested in. And they really are wonderful- and I forget that too easily. So- friendships are worth the time. I won't say that I'm going to go try to invest in 700 new friendships- but it's a perspective I need to hang on to.

My older sister wrote a post on her new blog about attachment (she's a therapist) about this whole concept of the human need to be delighted in. As basic as the need for air and water. I never really thought about it that way before. At the end of her post, she posed the question to her readers: when was the last time you asked to be delighted in, felt delighted in? I think this goes beyond the obvious sexual answer (although that is not a bad answer)- but it made me think about how sometimes we take our family's delight in us for granted. Or maybe we are so used to it that we don't recognize it anymore. Perhaps this is something that friendships can kindle in you- a renewed sense of being delighted it- a different perspective. All your jokes are new to a new friend. : )

So there ya go- enjoy your friendships - appreciate the delight- and... I'm going to go fix lunch while the baby's sleeping. : )

The H is O

Today is the day I shall clean with fury. Lily is coming over and I will entertain her by dancing around and organizing in each room. Hopefully this will work. If not- the H is Off. But- I will have tried. I'm really thinking it will work though- so I'm trying to gear myself up- put on a little "eye of the tiger" and get ready to rumble. Yea.

So I talked to Jason this morning and a funny thing happened last night- Hunter climbed out of his pack and play and took a few steps down the stairs before Jason woke up to see our little almost 2 yr old staring at him from the top of the stairs at 2:30 in the morning. (remember- they are at Jason's parent's house) Not what he expected. So basically the rest of the night was spent with Jason finally convincing him to go back to sleep in the bed with him. I'm a little nervous that our crib/pack n play days are nearing their end. If I remember correctly, my parents had to put a lock on the outside of my door to keep me from leaving my bedroom at night. I was that persistent... A little worried that we've been enjoying the calm of regular schedule too much and forgot that there is a next challenge. My intuition says that as long as Hunter is going to sleep in the crib at home- we need to enforce that everywhere (so- Jason letting him sleep in the bed needs to be a one-hit-wonder)... and eventually we need to transfer Hunter to a bed- but seriously- he's not even 2 yet! How long are you allowed to leave them in the crib? Craziness.

OK- Lily will be here soon so I need to go grab some yogurt and granola so I can be energized for the day! woot woot!

The H is O.

All By MYself, really love being...All BY MYSeeelf

Ok- so here I am. In my house. With no baby. I kind of love it. My hubby and son went to his parent's house for the week while I stay at home and continue my nanny gig during the day and takin care of BUSINESS during the night. By that I mean organizing the shit out of everything I see. Or throwing stuff away. That kind of business. I'm also privy to quite the social plans for the week. I can't go and be by myself for real people!

Here is the honest truth. I have not been by myself in .. at least two years. Seriously. Jason and I have gone away a couple of times for the weekend, Hunter and I have gone away a few times for a week or two. But this is my debut as the bachelorette in her pad- with no one. I don't know how to celebrate best: loud music, bathtime with no definite end, sleep in a little, watch Harry Potter, hang out with friends, go see a movie whenever I want... so fun. The problem is that this "week" is really 5 days with a job in it. I'm going to meet up at Jason's parents' this weekend, so really it's not that long of a freedom march. But I will take it and run with it. or walk, very slowly.

I feel bad about how good this feels. But- what are you going to do really- lie about it? No. I feel awesome. So awesome, that I wish it was longer. I wish I didn't have yoga tonight so I could enjoy my long night even more... ooh- maybe I'll skip yoga- I can do whatever I want! HA!

So my post needs to be more than this, yes, I need to wax eloquent about something.

like solitude.
like silence.
like rest.
like baths.
like not cooking dinner.
like not coaxing food.
like ...

hmmm. I'm in a purging mood. I see thingss I want to get rid of. Jason is a closet hoarder. He'll hoard as long as it fits in a closet. (hilarious- I know it- I am HIlarious) So- maybe this is my chance, take a truck load to goodwill so that when he gets back we live a simple life with half the shit and everything has a place and a half. Maybe not that much- but I do think I should take advantage of this mood- go fix myself a salad with waluts, turkey, goat cheese, feta cheese (can you have too much cheese?) and dried peppers and rock this house! Or throw away junk we don' need.

By the way- I saw something the other day that I think is a slap in the face: volunteer jobs listed under real job listings- like you scroll along the jobs advertised and you see a job that's unpaid. Really? Does anyone look for volunteers in the help wanted ads? I guess it's a way to sneak it in- but wow- these people need money. My current thought on that matter.

Grandmother's Birthday

Today my Grandmother is 88 yrs old! I called to wish her happy birthday and that was just about all she could hear- but she did hear that. Wow- 88. I'm impressed with her. All that transition seems to be going well. Grandmother seems to be happy, she's spending lots of time with my parents and she getting adjusted to her new place. I talked to a couple of her friends and they mentioned that she seemed a little confused- but mainly because she had no concept of distance and was eager for Norah and Audry to come see her new apartment. This did not worry me because she hasn't understood distance for a while. She was never that surprised when family came to visit- in fact I think she always wondered why they didn't pop in more often. So- if that's the most of our worries- then I am happy. Happy Birthday, Grandmother!

So- in other news... the ants are dead. Courtesy of Jason and by way of Jeremy's ant spray. Dead, dead, dead. I am supremely excited about that.

OK...and we're going to dinner tonight at a couple's house. This couple is from church snd their daughter is our go-to for babysitting, except she goes to college in the fall and gets a camp job in the summer. But when Grandmother was in the hospital and rehab- Kelly was with Hunter all day every day and she still loves him. We love her. So I'm excited about dinner just because it's a night out with people I like. You know the feeling. : ) I even spritzed a little perfume.

And... what else. I just saw an ant. An ant had the balls to show up. I just killed it with an entire paper towel. Seems like overkill, but he's dead.

So- another note and I will close... I wrote out a note for the babysitter and realized that all of us mothers do this. We write a note and then we tell the babysitter everything that we put on the note. It's kinda ridiculous- but it's unavoidable. OK- bye!

Borrowed Time

Both babies are asleep- mine and the borrowed one (the one I nanny) and it's such a miracle that I hate to even utter the words because as soon as I say- whew- one will wake up.

So I'm writing this blog on borrowed time... which it seems is what every mother does with her time once they have more than one child- or a needy 1st one. Either way- it's kind of a crappy way to view it- but there it is- I'm stealing time. That feels more rebellious. :)

I don't know what to write about- the time is so precious, the clock is audibly ticking. I did talk to my good friend Nancy- which was nice- we both had to steal time for it- but it'd been a while since we talked and was totally worth the punishment- although Becca definitely was the harsher judge- Nancy's daughter Becca screamed for the last 2 minutes of the car ride home before she abruptly stopped- leading Nancy to believe she must have stabbed herself. But no- she just decided she was over it. Or maybe she recognized the street home.

Ah- Hunter is awake. Nice 2 hour nap though! Lily is swinging in the chair- which put her back to sleep 3 times- but she really needed a good nap. So she's sleeping a little over an hour now- which is huge. It beats today's previous record of a 20 minute nap and last time's 45 minutes. It feels like cheating- but I think when you have an almost 2 year old and you're nannying for a 2.5 month old- you're allowed to cheat. So cheat I will with the vibrating swing. : )

OK- I'm going to stop stealing time. Maybe I'll write later tonight- but most likely not. : )

Ants

There are ants on my kitchen counter- those little sugar ants. And it makes me literally want to dismantle the kitchen. Never mind the fact that these little critters are simply heading towards a food source, telling their friends and enjoying a ready-supply survival kit. Never mind that I am a gazillion times their size. Never mind that I can simply contain their food source and spray some stuff into their nooks and crannies and be rid of them. I feel personally attacked. We never had ant problems before- why now? We don't always immediately clean the dishes- why is it discovered now? What bothers me is that these little ants are like fleas in my shirt- I will feel them imaginarily on me until they are gone- but if I do the deed- then I will really feel them- even dream about them for much longer.

So I'm going to make Jason do it.

Now that that's off my chest. So- a little note to my readers- I am trying to get pregnant- for many good reasons, none of them entirely logical (is it ever?) and I have discovered something about this getting pregnant game. It's just that- a weird game. And depending on how invested or aloof you are- it can drive you crazy or you can be totally unaware that you're playing. When we got pregnant with Hunter (on the second try)- we were surprised- shocked- thought it would take at least 6 months so we weren't even thinking about it. The game was the surprise.

This time around, because we know what we are "capable" of- and because both my sister and sister-in-law are pregnant- there's a little more of an edge... a little competition. The game is no longer surprise- but what the hell does a woman's body do after she has already had a baby- had an IUD and then goes "all natural" except that nothing is the same or feels natural? Let me tell you- and all you men and women need to know this: Having a baby alters the woman's body. One of the coolest things I ever did was have a baby- and it came with a price. Don't let any woman fool you- she is messed up inside if she had a baby... For a good amount of time, our hormones for one thing are completely out of our control- and I never thought I would say this- but we really lose it. The whole birth control thing is a chemical dodging of cliffs and daggers- trying to find the right balance between insanity and sanity- which doesn't exist (remember my post on crazy mothers). All birth control is really about is having a normal head- with the bonus of preventing conception. So- when you want to get pregnant again for said illogical reasons, and you relieve yourself from whatever form of birth control you were on- the "natural" woman comes out. She's freakin insane. There is nothing natural about it. Something about having a baby makes the woman's body absolutely PISSED when she has a period. It takes at least another two or three months for things to start averaging out- unless you get pregnant. If you don't- then you get to enjoy the game of "when do I start." And again- apologies to the male audience- but this is good to know- I promise. Because here's the most hilarious part of the game. God decided to make the symptoms for pregnancy and for periods to be virtually identical. Basically so that you can go crazy before you just start testing- you get to feel stupid, hopeful, cynical, and stupid in one big merry go round. All of this while waiting to bleed. Sorry to be graphic- but how strikingly simple and crude is that? That's the game. Do I or don't I. Will I or won't I. If I do- is it for real? If I don't- should I wait a little longer? And your body is like a black hole for secrets- she isn't telling you a damn thing.

So you take 2-3 pregnancy tests a month, you forget you were trying, you calculate sex days, you get pregnant on accident, you take drugs to get pregnant, you take drugs not to get pregnant- and none of it ultimately guarantees you one single thing.

God is soooo funny.

Let's see what else. Oh- the author of that book American Savior is Roland Merullo- no wonder I couldn't remember it.

I really am antsy tonight.

Such a slacker

That is me. I don't have great excuses- except that I started a nannying job yesterday, my son woke up coughing this morning- and I'm exhausted and trying not to come down with anything myself (again).

Nannying- not so bad, although it reminds me of how easy we had it with Hunter. Don't get me wrong- this baby is freakin awesome and VERY easy to read. She basically hates having a dirty diaper. That's pretty much the only reason she cries- that and hungry, but I try not to push that envelope too much. The thing that is different about her is that she stays awake. Like- she eats and then is awake- for like an hour or more. If you look through the first three months of Hunter's life- you'll see him sleeping. Through it all. I woke him up to feed him. (On many occasions, so that it became almost a joke- someone in the family would say: "Nehvah wake a sleeeeping BayBee!") Well- I don't have to worry about that with Lily. And with Hunter running around- I'm kind of wondering why people have more than 2 children. It seems physically impossible.

I just finished reading a very interesting book- American Savior- oh and I can't think of the author- I'll get it to you later. It is based on a very clever idea that Jesus comes back as an American and runs for president. His mother is a navajo indian and his dad is some random coal miner. I loved it- probably because I could imagine myself writing the same book. The author did a good job at riding the line between absurd and believable- for minutes it seemed very normal for me that Jesus Christ was running for president and that I should vote for him. The story is "told" by an ex-reporter with insecurity issues who was hand-picked by Jesus to be in charge of security detail. It's just a clever book. I wouldn't lean on it theologically, but I will say it could hold a lot of weight. I kinda wish I had written it. Thanks Jeremy who recommended it!

And... let's see. It's almost 11pm and I really should go to bed.

There is more stuff in my head, but I'm too pooped to write it out. How's that for slackin!?

yea. ok. good night all. The Jesus in my book says love one another- actually- all the Jesus books say that. : )

Trains and Tracks!

Hunter says these two words on a regular, repetitive and loud basis. Trains and TRAACKS!

Just now Hunter opened the seat of his big, ridable train and pulled out a toothbrush and toothpaste. We've been looking for those. : )

It's the day after my birthday. Jason and I went to dinner and a movie at the drive-in, which was super fun and super-late. We got in around 2am. We can't do that anymore. My amazingly giving husband woke up this morning to a crying baby at 6:30AM (his diaper was a little awry and he was soaked- he usually sleeps an hour later). Not only did husband let me sleep through that- but when I woke up at 8 and then fell back to sleep- he let me. I woke up at 1030am! Jason took Hunter to the playground, put bananas in the dehydrator, and now he's resting... as he should. Hunter is playing with his trains and tracks! We'll do lunch and then I'll put him down and go get the truck that we left at the dealership.

So there's the day in boring detail.

SO- I started this blog yesterday and finished it yesterday- and lost it yesterday. So- it was fun and now it's gone. And now I've lost my train of thought. I am watching a very strange movie now and not folding laundry.

SO I'll call it a rest day- and sorry about the boring post. : )

Today is my birthday!

da na na na na na....

Or some version of that song. Ok- i have to write quick because I am going on a birthday date soon (yea!).

Quick recap of my birthday:

Bruno pooped on the floor, but...

I had a good morning with Hunter, took the truck to get its oil changed (yes- I'm excited about that), had great conversations with members of my family - I freakin love my family. I get to see my bro and sister in-laws, I am going to a drive-in movie theatre tonight (fun!), I'm drinking a glass of wine (because I can), I got some laundry done (yes- good moods make for efficient Sarah) and.... I think that's it- but it's been a good day! I've been sick so when I woke up this morning and it only took one nose blow to breathe somewhat normally- I was kinda pumped.

Yea for birthdays!

Yea for me!

Thank you God for creating me. Seriously. :)

All Mothers are Crazy

This is something my sisters and I discovered this past weekend. I revisited the concept yesterday to a critical Jason, but I still stand by it. My sisters and I were sharing in a story about a friend of mine whose mother is crazy. Then we ventured into other crazy mother stories. At last we realized- no one is unaffected. Even now, the crazy mother disease grips my older sister and me. You cannot escape. Think of one mother in your life that you would not be able to assign the words "a little crazy" to. I'll bet you have a hard time coming up with one. Being a mother seems to be the presenting condition for crazy. Name one completely normal mother. You can't.

I'm sick for the second day in a row- but much less so today than yesterday. I can sit up and even blog. Quite an improvement from yesterday. I hate being sick. I feel so useless and on top of that sick. The American culture does not leave much room for being sick- we don't know how to do it. Not that we should want to do it- but I think a lot of us suck at being sick. I'm not horrible at it, but I know a few less guilty thoughts would be appropriate.

I'm trying to put my calendar in place, follow up on emails, check about my finances and make sure all is in order. It could be the sickness or culture shock- but I'm just not feeling so motivated. I'm still caught in la-la land of vocational discernment that I forget that there is a present reality that I need to come to grips with.

In other more positive news, Jason, my husband, is a rock star. He grilled a super-yummy chicken meal yesterday- with bacon and a side salad. He grilled some more meat for tonight and all we'll have to do is microwave it. He made me a yummy sandwich today with asiago cheese on turkey and a side salad. Hunter ate his weight in blueberries and watermelon, and managed to shovel down a good amount of sandwich too. Jason has always been shy about cooking- not because he thinks I should do it, but more because he isn't confident in his ability. He got himself a book on grilling and now has vowed to do dinner twice a week so he can experiment! I think Greg rubbed off on him. Greg and Bronwyn lived here for a month with their cutie Henry (15 month old baby). Greg was chef/waiter/maid for most of the time- he just does it. Joyfully so. Not too shabby. So- Jason learned a few things. Also not too shabby. I like it when Jason gets a kick and runs with it. He's also been using our dehydrator to make stuff like banana chips, dried peppers, etc. This makes for healthy snacks and super flavorful salads. What a man. Meanwhile, he's massaging my head because it hurts. And I did nothing for his birthday. Got to rectify that. I sent him to work during Hunter's nap- hopefully he'll be able to catch up a little (he took yesterday off and this morning bc of my sick). I'm hoping by tomorrow I'll be 100% again. Colds in August are silly.

I have a sweet picture of Lucy in my calendar now- Kelly gave me a wallet-sized, although I think it's a little longer than wallet - either way it is perfect and precious and I love looking at it. I need to get one of Hunter and Annie- then I'll have the three sweet faces on my calendar. I can see Kelly in Lucy's eyes. And it isn't a resemblance thing- it's a spirit thing.

Apparently I'm in the rambling mood. I am missing Jessa much too- wishing we could bond some more- like we need to make up for all the years she was a baby sister. Jessa is awesome.

OK- it's time to get back to this present reality I'm avoiding. In the meantime- try to think of a mother that isn't crazy... and I think the disease is easiest to detect in over 45-year olds.

Home, for real

I'm home. And solidly so this time. No big trip in the near future. No exotic plans, no parties, nothing. And I'm kind of ok with that. Even right now I feel a little peace. Hunter is napping and the house is quiet. Our Grandfather's clock that Grandmother gave me is chiming the hour and things are busy outside. But in here, quietness save the soothing clock chimes.

Our guests of the month left today- they were wonderful guests- I'm sure they're ready to be home. We'll miss their fabulous tendency to do all the dishes for us. I will admit though- I'm excited about not having to worry about walking down the hall naked. : )

Sister weekend was nice and therapeutic. Lots of bonding and eating. I'm going to have to skip a week's worth of meals to make up for the eating we did. I won't- but it would be nice if that worked. It was funny for me, because I would have been content if we stayed huddled on the bed all weekend, talking, laughing, analyzing, giggling, and drinking wine. We kind of did that all weekend- with a few trips out to eat and shop. I think Kelly and Jessa needed to get out of the hotel room- and I probably did too- but I didn't need to get out that badly. :) It is fun to be three sisters- each very different and yet with so man similarities. The best part of this trip was that we were more connected, on the same plane. Jessa is an adult, and of course she is- but this might have been the first sister gathering where she felt like one.

I need to take the truck for a oil change, clean up the house a bit, organize the finances (I haven't really looked at everything since before the Florida trip) and figure out the little projects Jason and I want to work on over the next couple of months. I need to get the baby stuff out, fill my calendar with new dates and put Hunter's birthday party on the calendar. I need to read my sister's loaned 1-2-3 magic book so I can get Hunter's but in gear. I need to plan out when to go to the make-up yoga sessions.

But right now- Hunter is fussing. He didn't take a very long nap- so I'm not quite sure what woke him up... and he is crying- which means he didn't get the kind of sleep he needed. Life with a toddler is no walk in the park. ok- gotta go.