Ants

There are ants on my kitchen counter- those little sugar ants. And it makes me literally want to dismantle the kitchen. Never mind the fact that these little critters are simply heading towards a food source, telling their friends and enjoying a ready-supply survival kit. Never mind that I am a gazillion times their size. Never mind that I can simply contain their food source and spray some stuff into their nooks and crannies and be rid of them. I feel personally attacked. We never had ant problems before- why now? We don't always immediately clean the dishes- why is it discovered now? What bothers me is that these little ants are like fleas in my shirt- I will feel them imaginarily on me until they are gone- but if I do the deed- then I will really feel them- even dream about them for much longer.

So I'm going to make Jason do it.

Now that that's off my chest. So- a little note to my readers- I am trying to get pregnant- for many good reasons, none of them entirely logical (is it ever?) and I have discovered something about this getting pregnant game. It's just that- a weird game. And depending on how invested or aloof you are- it can drive you crazy or you can be totally unaware that you're playing. When we got pregnant with Hunter (on the second try)- we were surprised- shocked- thought it would take at least 6 months so we weren't even thinking about it. The game was the surprise.

This time around, because we know what we are "capable" of- and because both my sister and sister-in-law are pregnant- there's a little more of an edge... a little competition. The game is no longer surprise- but what the hell does a woman's body do after she has already had a baby- had an IUD and then goes "all natural" except that nothing is the same or feels natural? Let me tell you- and all you men and women need to know this: Having a baby alters the woman's body. One of the coolest things I ever did was have a baby- and it came with a price. Don't let any woman fool you- she is messed up inside if she had a baby... For a good amount of time, our hormones for one thing are completely out of our control- and I never thought I would say this- but we really lose it. The whole birth control thing is a chemical dodging of cliffs and daggers- trying to find the right balance between insanity and sanity- which doesn't exist (remember my post on crazy mothers). All birth control is really about is having a normal head- with the bonus of preventing conception. So- when you want to get pregnant again for said illogical reasons, and you relieve yourself from whatever form of birth control you were on- the "natural" woman comes out. She's freakin insane. There is nothing natural about it. Something about having a baby makes the woman's body absolutely PISSED when she has a period. It takes at least another two or three months for things to start averaging out- unless you get pregnant. If you don't- then you get to enjoy the game of "when do I start." And again- apologies to the male audience- but this is good to know- I promise. Because here's the most hilarious part of the game. God decided to make the symptoms for pregnancy and for periods to be virtually identical. Basically so that you can go crazy before you just start testing- you get to feel stupid, hopeful, cynical, and stupid in one big merry go round. All of this while waiting to bleed. Sorry to be graphic- but how strikingly simple and crude is that? That's the game. Do I or don't I. Will I or won't I. If I do- is it for real? If I don't- should I wait a little longer? And your body is like a black hole for secrets- she isn't telling you a damn thing.

So you take 2-3 pregnancy tests a month, you forget you were trying, you calculate sex days, you get pregnant on accident, you take drugs to get pregnant, you take drugs not to get pregnant- and none of it ultimately guarantees you one single thing.

God is soooo funny.

Let's see what else. Oh- the author of that book American Savior is Roland Merullo- no wonder I couldn't remember it.

I really am antsy tonight.