The child that never sleeps

This is the child
this is the child
this is the child that never sleeps

Seriously. This child is a very good baby- but has a knack for not allowing herself to sleep. Example (keep in mind she is 2.5 months old- and can roll over already btw)... she has been here since 11am, she has slept a total of 30 minutes. It is now 3pm. I guess you can add 20 minutes if you count the sleepy state she drank her bottle in. I usually don't count that- she does. Right now she is in a vibrating swing that seems to be losing its magic and she is really trying hard not to sleep. I think he just might sleep- but wow. Even if you include the sleepy drinking time- that is 40 minutes in the span of 4 hours. For those of you not familiar with infants- this is a little strange. For those of you who had a baby like mine- it borders on alien. She's doing what I like to call the 7 mile stare right now... there is hope that she'll sleep!

heavy eyes...

Stare...

well I'll move on and let you know when I have success. So I had breakfast this morning with the "lead" pastor (he prefers that to senior- which is fine, but it's semantics to me)... it was nice. He's a bit ADHD but in the friendly I still actually remember your name way. It's so different for me to feel comfortable talking to my pastor much less making fun of him.

She's crying... fussing really- because this is the child that never sleeps. She's pissed because she's so damn tired. GO TO SLEEP.

Staring again...

Heavy eyes...

Back to the lead pastor... so I talked to him too much about the whole struggle of my calling/jobs/meaning that seems to circle me like a gnat on a hot summer day. It just won't leave me alone. I can't forget about it and for some reason I feel compelled to tell every listening soul about it at one point or another. Obnoxious.

droopy eyes...

So the lead pastor tells me the obvious stuff- get what you need to be ordained/become a chaplain/ whatever. This isn't particularly helpful because if it were that easy- I'd be on it. But instead I am a woman- who went to grad school too young- got married - had a baby- got invested in her husband's church and is completely invested in this methodist community that I want nothing to do with as far as careers go (meaning- I don't want to be ordained in the methodist church- I don't fit). And I have no current denomination or money or time. So that makes things a bit difficult. Not impossible- but difficult.

Asleep. Fi-na-lly.

So I tried to explain to a motivated white male in his 50s what it was like to be a scared responsbility-laden woman in her 20s (for at least this last year until I enter the more responsible 30s). He didn't completely get it- but they never do- but he did change his MO. This makes me sound a littlel immature- I don't mean to say that this man does not have family responsibilities or has no fear of risk-taking. I do mean to say that the tracks are generally much more clear for the men in this world (forget about ministry) and they don't have to physically give up their bodies for nearly 2 years to accomplish having a baby. Oh and they don't have to regain their body after those 2 years and think about doing it all over again (don't get me wrong- pregnant is one of the best I've ever felt- but it takes its toll).

OK- back to the conversation- he basically said (this is condensing a bit): create your own job in the church. He was thinking more hodpodge I believe (start a yoga cass, start a respite care program)... but it got me thinking. And now I have a google document (don't you just love gmail?) that is basically my lead pastor inspired, coffee high driven proposal for myself as an outreach coordinator for the church. I've worked myself up to full time now. I actually have staffing needs.

Here's the deal. I'm excited and feeling ridiculous at the same time. Do I really think I can accomplish all of this (or at least coordinate others to accomplish things)? I mean seriously- my list is a revolution. It's kind of like I assume that having created this job for myself suddenly gives me motivation and sure success. Success in things that people in the church have tried- maybe not hard- but tried. I'm banking on volunteers in my revolutionary list... and I had the hardest time recruiting volunteers when I was on staff before. I'm assuming to know more than I do, to have more energy than I do- and to meet with unconditional success. And meanwhile I'm going to start a spanish-speaking service that will be so wildly successful that we have a spanish-speaking pastor appointed here and buy the used car lot below us on rt. 50 to start a sister church. This is what I'm talking about- these are the galaxies I am shooting for- and while I know it is possible- I have an almost impossible time believing it is possible with me. And yes I know- all things are possible with God- blah blah blah- no disrespecting- what I mean is- God uses us- and sure- God is awesome at it and great things have been accomplished. I'm just not sure my drain-pipe plan for a self-made career to do all the things I think the church should do is necessarily going to be completely ordained or supported by God. And even if it is supported by God (which at least on the level of the vision I have- I hope so)- then I still find it impossible to believe I am the one to carry it out.

So there ya have it. I have a hugemongous fear of failure. Self-sabotaging fear. And that's that.

Still sleeping. Thank God. At least I can do this.