All over the place

I seriously think that I am losing control of myself. There are moments, like this morning, when it is very difficult to imagine moving or really just being awake in genral- tiredness takes over. Then there are moments, like right now- when I have succeeded in accomplishing many tasks and feel like I can do it all. Then there are moments, like on my way to the grocery store when I had Bruno in the front seat (trust me- this is a little ridiculous) and Hunter in the back and I managed to get Bruno to the groomers without anyone getting hurt... all this was a great feat- but boy was I super grumpy/cranky carrying it out. NO real reason. Then the property director asks me if I can run an estimate on energy efficient lighting for the first floor and I say- sure! Because I have nothing else on my plate....

At this very current second I do not feel overwhelmed by everything. In about 25 seconds I will most likely be so overwhelmed as to be paralyzed by it. What the heck is wrong with me? I'm either pregnant or PMSing- and quite frankly, I'm a little annoyed by both. I had a random thought on the way to the grocery store- it was kind of along the lines of Jason's blog "Pooping Out my Brain" when he talks about a series of stream-of-conscious thought that run through his head. I thought about hormones and PMS and all those things that add up to make a woman feel crazy. Then I thought- wow- back in the "old days" women didn't have birth control pills or whatever to help simmer some of this down- being a woman really is sometimes medically the equivalent of being crazy. How is this fair? It's not. So maybe the curse on Eve was not painful childbirth- but rather all the freaky hormones that go into the process of getting or not getting pregnant. Childbirth is the easy part- it's the before and after that sucks.

As you may be able to tell from my post- I am all over the place these days. Heard a girl on the radio station that sounded eerily like a girl from our church. She was being exploited- sort of a special needs person with social issues- and here they are using her awkwardness to entertain the thousands. I couldn't listen to it anymore. My skin is getting thinner by the minute and I can't even imagine what happens to me when someone makes fun of Hunter for the first time or I hear bad things through the grapevine about Jason. SO- in case you were thinking about it- you should probably keep your insensitive remarks about me and my family to yourself until I get a handle on this. ; )

Processing Grandmother's move- it isn't going all that well. All that I've come up with is that my life is going to look different and she is going to be gone and I'm going to need a project when she leaves. I talked about this with Jason- and while he is very helpful and wonderful as a husband- he tends to be solutions oriented. So when I decided I should use this new time to work on a writing project- maybe centered around my findings from Grandmother's collection of letters and ptotos- I could tell Jason felt like this was the answer to my issues. Maybe not the answer- but good enough. But it's not. Not good enough.

I have always wanted to write, and always wanted to actually have something worth writing- so this feels good to me... but there is still a missing piece. There is still this sense of unfulfilled calling. I don't know what it is or where it is. Saying that I'm going to write a book about Grandmother doesn't seem to cut it for me. Reorganizing my house- not enough. Raising Hunter- not the only call I have. Having another baby (if and when that happens)- still not enough.

Guess I'll steal a line from U2- I still haven't found what I'm looking for... and I'll add a line- I still don't know what the hell I'm looking for.