Death

Why not tackle a big one, eh? Hunter just went down for his nap without a fuss- so I'm feeling brave. Of course I have a list of things that I should be doing, but it's raining, Hunter is sleeping and I have a cup of coffee that needs to be finished.

Death is on my mind for various reasons. The most obvious one being that I went to a funeral today. Death is so incredibly weird. It is ridiculously final and has no second chance. Death is rare and plentiful at the same time. Many people die but everyone only gets 1 shot at it. I don't think it would be fair to say I have come to terms with my own mortality- but I am coming to terms with the reality of death in general. People die - unfortunately without much control or influence from me on timing. My Grandfather (Opa) died in December of 2001 when the world was still reeling from 9/11. His graveside service was held in Arlington National Cemetary, in the shadows of the pentagon's damage. We literally stood on a hill overlooking the great dent of the pentagon while hearing the taps for Opa. Papaush- my other grandfather- died the week before bike week in Daytona Beach, FL. So when I drove to attend his funeral- I fought traffic and was flashed the bird everytime I dared to change lanes between biker groups. Memaush died the Friday before Thanksgiving, making Thanksgiving last year a strange and beautiful family reunion.

Death is not a person or a thing, not a tool or a calling- it is actually so "nothing" as to be the most far from intimate that you can get. Dying is different from death- but I'll talk about that later after a few rainbow posts. Death is final and it feels so very impersonal...so nonchalant to the things we care about. I can't watch movies that are too violent or horror scary movies because I just don't sit well with gobs of death. Call me a wuss or whatever- but I don't have it in me. Death is the opposite of life, the antithesis of a person, and it leaves no farewell letter, no post script, just nothingness. And we have no idea what happens after we die.

We have ideas maybe- but we don't KNOW what happens. We hear about ghosts, we read about the presence of people with us, we learn about saints and demons, we think about angels and we pray about heaven. I don't know about all those things, but my faith and my relationship with God tells me that there is a heaven. Heaven to me is simply home. One of the bible verses read in the funeral service today was Jesus talking to his disciples about going to prepare a place for them- do not let your hearts me troubled, do not fear- he basically says to them- I will come and get you and take you home.

That is beautiful to me. Jesus- and I don't mean the icky scary bloody judgy Jesus that some people have been introduced to- no I mean Jesus- our friend and companion- will come get us when we're done- I don't know how- but I'm going with it, going with Jesus when I see him. Then we get to go home. Home may be more a feeling than a space... We will be home. We will feel love in the air like the humdity in July. We will drink joy and breathe belonging. Home- like we long for here on earth- and heaven is on earth you know- there are these twinkling moments when we catch a glimpse of what God is working on, planning for, believing in.

I don't believe in hell. There you go. I may be so wrong it's ridiculous- and I am fine with that- but for right now- with the mind I have and the God I have gotten to know- I can't believe in a lake of firey torment. If I have feelings of mercy for people- than I believe my God can outdo me in mercy. What about justice? What about crazy evil people like the token Hitler? I wonder if maybe this home doesn't feel heavenly at first for some people. Maybe a mass-murderer has to face the people whose lives he snuffed every day for eternity until finally he allows God to clean his heart and soul. I don't know. It's hard to think in terms of Hitler, even the lowly normal generally not perfect people like myself- Maybe when we are home with God- we see the truth and it hurts and frees us all at the same time. Maybe we all experience some forms of hell, heaven and purgatory when we're Home. I don't know. Maybe this life is all we have- I can't think in those terms right now because it seems too precious, too tiny to make sense... maybe heaven is our way of giving ourselves more time to learn. I don't know. I haven't worked out the details mainly because I haven't had to. My faith and my heart tells me that the only thing I neeed to know is that I am with God- today and tomorrow and forever. If I can trust that- then I can wait for Jesus to come and get me, I can go home to the place prepared for me and I can go from there- if it hurts, I trust God to get me to the redemption. I feel like that's where God is going most of the time anyway.

Selfishly, I need heaven. Death is so final and impersonal that I need my God to have the last, personal word. That's what all of this talk is from Jesus about his own death and resurrection- death no longer has its sting, victory no longer goes to the silent black hole. I need that, crave that, and put my faith in that. Death cannot be the last line. What does life after death look like? Beats me- I just hope it's home with God and after that- we'll figure it out.

So death- it sucks and it's normal. But with all my heart I believe the last words are not done, nothing, void- but rather life, fullness, love, truth, freedom, home.