Painting and sticks

Apparently when I do a "work day" with Grandmother I forget to post on my blog. Oh well. I had a lovely time painting tonight with a friend of mine- the color was fabulous and the company super fun.

Unfortunately, I came home and kind of got grumpy- one mis-laid comment, a sideways glance at my diplomas hanging awkwardly on the wall and an email from my uncle about whether or not to bring his porsche to my Grandmother's move.... and now I'm just grumpy. I'm getting a little tired and feeling like I'm rushing toward this Grandmother move to Florida so fast that I'm about to be in a tailspin of emotion and not know what hit me. I thought I was processing the whole Grandmother move- but glancing at the diplomas gave me a weird feeling that sort of surprised me: Bitterness. I looked at my degrees and felt them almost laughing at me- like- what are you doing with all that junk? All that junk? In your trunk? no- not that - they were asking me what I was doing with my education my superior masters knowledge, my fabulous ability to do a whole lot of nothing. I am so "accomplished" by cleaning out Grandmother's stuff, helping organize all sorts of things- but it dawned on me- nobody really gives a shit. I mean- to an extent they do- but ultimately- it's just not that big a deal. Soon Grandmother will move. My Mom will take over in my stead, and I will be done, retired, finished with that "job." I will start nannying the cutest little baby (Lily!) and yet I will feel like a failure- again. Because this is what I do to myself.

When Grandmother leaves, I will no longer be doing anything that only I can do. I poured my heart into helping my Grandmother out- and I still missed some cues, but that's ok. What I'm having a hard time with is the fact that there doesn't seem to be anything else only I can do. Sure I can mother my child- but I can't be so consumed with Hunter that he's the only investment I have. It'll smother him and it won't work for me.

Maybe part of the conversation I had with my friend Kelly tonight opened the window in my brain to this calling issue I have- I like to shut it down, but I guess we left it cracked open. So when I came home and Jason mentioned something about work and I didn't react well- it all kind of spiraled from there. And now it's 1145 and I am tired and need to go to bed.

grr. grr. grr.