I'm not watching them, but I can hear them- and I guess that's a little pathetic, but I'm grumpy and not in an awe-inspiring fireworks kind of mood. Too pretty for me right now. I know this mood of grumpiness has become a recurring theme over the last few days- and quite frankly I'm as annoyed with it as you are. But here it is, and I'm working on it. For the most part I do well- but there's something about the end of the day when everything you've been thinking about or avoiding finds a place to rest in the front of your eyes. I guess I'm just a little worried or concerned with too many things. Maybe I shouldn't say too many things- but rather more than my feeble brain and soul can sift through. Hence the grumpy evenings. I didn't get all my thinking done- so it sits and taunts me into introspection, which only makes matters worse.
On the other side of my grumpy mood- I have now a total of 20 large trash bags full of Grandmother's items to donate. Add to that 8-10 boxes (can't remember) in various sizes full of various things- all in the truck. Good job us! Jason was the maid today while I was the donator/inventory girl. Jason joined my camp when he got tired of cleaning and I cleaned a few things when I got tired of inventory-ing. So we got stuff done. Miles to go before we sleep- or at least rest I should say. 2 very different things.
I cried when I packed my Grandfather's (Opa) swim trunks into the donation bag- he was an avid swimmer. It sort of brought him back for a minute as a live memory. I cried when I heard my other Grandfather's (Papaush) voice on a random tape cassette that we found in the midst of operas and books on tape. It has been so long since I've heard his voice that I had almost forgotten it. I still so greatly mourn the loss of each of my Grandparents- Memaush being the most recent and difficult to do. When Grandmother says things like "I feel like I'm attending my own funeral" as I pack up her things and as I go through her stuff and check her pockets and throw them in the bag to be donated- I can't help but agree with her... I do feel like somehow this move makes me feel like she died or is dying. I don't know why- but I also feel responsible for it. I feel like I'm forcing this pre-funeral on her.
I texted my Dad about my grand donations compilation feat today and he responded: great, what charity? I know he cares. i KNOW he cares. But to me- (and my grumpy mood) that text could just as well have said: I don't give a shit. This is what my brain is doing to me. I can't win. I want to feel good about getting so much accomplished with Grandmother- but I feel bad about that because it means I'm working extra hard at moving her away.
And also- Hunter really really loves his Dada. So much that it is making me feel like I could leave for 6 months and he really wouldn't notice. I'm talking- constant choosing Jason over me- crying when Jason leaves, not upset when I leave. Real live favoritism here. And it makes me feel like a bad mother. I mean - the one thing I had going for me- scratched.
So I don't really believe everything I have written here about myself- but there are moments when I let it get too true- and maybe the best way to deal with it is to write it down so it's outside and I can look at it and say- that's stupid, Sarah- you're a good Mom, a good daughter, and a good granddaughter- and you do have callings in your life and you will find the next one- and all will be well...all shall be well, and all manner of things will be well.
I love you.
ReplyDeleteYou are doing an amazing thing for your Grandmother, preparing her for her move to FL where she will be close to even more family who is committed to her care and ensuring that she lives out the wonderful life she began and that you have continued to ensure her throughout the past couple of years.
I know this has all been tough for you, but do know that you impact people's lives in ways that you do not even know, and maybe you don't realize it yet but perhaps that is your calling. To help pave a path for those who are blessed enough to meet/know you and to know the richness that you bring to their lives. I know you have changed my life already in many ways, and I have only known you two months!!! I already cannot go more than a day or two without hearing from you!
You are searching and I am searching. For what??? Only God knows. But I know that you are headed in the right direction and the thing you are looking for is going to appear in front of you in the place you least expect it. You are amazing, Sarah, and have amazing gifts to give this world. And maybe, just maybe, for now, you can continue to give those gifts to the world in every way you are capable (like you are doing now), and no matter what the world will be better for it.
And, like we have talked about before, every stay-at-home mom has the same experience...the child gravitates toward the parent they spend the least amount of time with. My parents divorced when I was 9 months old, and though my mother and step-father raised, clothed, and loved me like no other, when my father came to town I ran to him like an unloved orphan. Hunter does and will always adore you. You are his mother and his lifeline. Trust that you are giving him everything he needs for the development of an unbelievably cool child and if he favors his Daddy right now, no worries...you will always be his one and only Mama who gave him the blessed life that he has. Don't you ever forget that. It would be a completely different situation if Jason spent more time with him and you were working and spending less time with him...he would gravitate toward you. But you would never want that. So think - how freaking awesome is it that you get to be the one to spend so much time with him, shaping and molding him into a wonderful little boy? You would certainly, I know in my heart of hearts, not give that up for anything.
And if I didn't already say it (although I know I did)...I love you.
I love you.
ReplyDeleteYou are doing an amazing thing for your Grandmother, preparing her for her move to FL where she will be close to even more family who is committed to her care and ensuring that she lives out the wonderful life she began and that you have continued to ensure her throughout the past couple of years.
I know this has all been tough for you, but do know that you impact people's lives in ways that you do not even know, and maybe you don't realize it yet but perhaps that is your calling. To help pave a path for those who are blessed enough to meet/know you and to know the richness that you bring to their lives. I know you have changed my life already in many ways, and I have only known you two months!!! I already cannot go more than a day or two without hearing from you!
You are searching and I am searching. For what??? Only God knows. But I know that you are headed in the right direction and the thing you are looking for is going to appear in front of you in the place you least expect it. You are amazing, Sarah, and have amazing gifts to give this world. And maybe, just maybe, for now, you can continue to give those gifts to the world in every way you are capable (like you are doing now), and no matter what the world will be better for it.
And, like we have talked about before, every stay-at-home mom has the same experience...the child gravitates toward the parent they spend the least amount of time with. My parents divorced when I was 9 months old, and though my mother and step-father raised, clothed, and loved me like no other, when my father came to town I ran to him like an unloved orphan. Hunter does and will always adore you. You are his mother and his lifeline. Trust that you are giving him everything he needs for the development of an unbelievably cool child and if he favors his Daddy right now, no worries...you will always be his one and only Mama who gave him the blessed life that he has. Don't you ever forget that. It would be a completely different situation if Jason spent more time with him and you were working and spending less time with him...he would gravitate toward you. But you would never want that. So think - how freaking awesome is it that you get to be the one to spend so much time with him, shaping and molding him into a wonderful little boy? You would certainly, I know in my heart of hearts, not give that up for anything.
And if I didn't already say it (although I know I did)...I love you.
xoxoxox
ReplyDelete