Home

It is amazing how quickly I got home. I'm here. I slept last night, although I admit even though we went to bed early, 730am still came too soon. The anxious feeling in my stomach ebbs and flows. I need to call my Grandmother, call my Mom, etc. Check in. Still not completely gone from what is going on in Florida either. I am going to see my sisters this weekend- which will be another form of therapy for me. I am going to drive forever to get there- because I'm not the world's best planner.

The house looks great- Jason has been doing and overseeing some big projects. Among them are the new wall and paint in the basement (heavenly), the back walkway has been cleaned out and powerwashed, the yard shrubs have been trimmed and cut back where needed, the lawn was mowed although thanks to rain it looks like it needs it again, the house was clean, the files were moved to more convenient spots, the laundry room was back to its original form. I'm sure there's more- but this was pretty amazing enough. We have more inherited things distributed throughout the house.

So now here I am. Sitting in Hunter's room blogging while he plays with all his toys that feel new to him. And I'm back. Same routine, same morning, and I bet same afternoon. Weird how we fall right back into place. The only thing is- instead of taking comfort in the familiarity of all these things- I am slightly disoriented by the sameness. My life has completely changed and I have nothing to show for it. How do you show absence? How do you ritualize a loss that isn't really gone, just moved? How do you represent a career change when you never really had a career to begin with? How do you search for your next sacred call when you just discovered you were follwing your last one?

Mourning absence and change is really weird.

A friend wants me to eat breakfast with her. On the double! I'll save processing for later.