Patience

Is not something I have a huge amount of. I consider myself an average patience person in the grand scale of things. I don't honk my horn unless it really is necessary, I can handle waiting in line. I don't flick people off who cut me off in traffic..(I might give them a dirty look)... point is- I'm not horribly impatient. but then again maybe I am.

I am sick of waiting. I was talking to my sister about searching for that calling and feeing a little lost in the transition of Grandmother's move. She wisely told me she knew that there was something out there and that I would find it and I had gifts to offer the world. But, she used a word I don't like so much: wait. I shouldn't rush into the next suitor just because I'm looking, but I should wait and see where I am lead. Well that's all fine and good but I feel like I have been waiting forever. I guess I still have some part of me that does believe that there is ONE BIG THING that you I can do if I find it and do it. I say that I believe more in a cycle of callings. This would look more like a revolving door of purpose - but not just spinning to spin- you work your gifts in one place and then you transition out of that and work your magic somewhere else. In it God is calling and guiding you along. Here's what I have issues with on that theory (although I still stand by it)- it feels like I just cycle and never fulfill- at least not for any length of time. In my perspective- this cycle of calling could contain as few as 3-7 callings in one lifetime or as many as 2 dozen. I feel like I'm going for the record of a gajillion. I don't feel like I'm soaring in any one thing. I want to do some big things- and that doesn't have to mean it's big in the world's standards- but big in my standards - fully satisfied- passionate and eager to follow- such that it is hard to let go and move on to another call. The way I journey this cycle it's like I can't wait to hop on to the next train. Except for this time- I really would take care of Grandmother as long as it takes- except I really am being called away. I can't be the one that does it. I have a child- want another child- my husband's job could move us away- this is not what Grandmother needs.

So I'm "waiting and seeing" about a lot of things- calling, how Grandmother does in the new place, how quickly I can get pregnant, how much it changes my life, how we can manage on a smaller income, our basement wall, how long it takes my family to live closer together.....

I'm a little done with waiting. I want something. and i want it now.