It's a Girl!

My sister's baby is a girl!!! Yea! So now we can look forward to a little girl joining our family around Thanksgiving and Kelly, Jessa and I will appreciate the relationship that little baby girl will have with her sister Lucy. So fun.

My sister (in-law) that is also pregnant- Kelly- is a pooper and not going to find out what the sex of the baby is so that it can be a surprise. Kelly and JR really like that element of surprise... That's all fine and good- but what about what I want? : )

Then there is me. S A R A H. She's clueless- doesn't know what the hell she's up to. She's struggling with purpose and all that cliche stuff that feels especially cliche coming from a woman and mother. I mean seriously- can't we women figure this OUT? Apparently not.

Here's the stream of conscience thought this afternoon before dinner when I decided I couldn't possibly summon up the energy or more aptly- the desire to make dinner. Jason whipped us up a nice little tossed salad with some feta and turkey. Ok- back to thought process- this is all wrapped up in the slow-ass processing of Grandmother's move- which I need to write a little about a couple of things she said today that were hilarious or depressing. So I thought about how my grandmothers both worked- oddly, they were both preschool teachers. Grandmother literally built the program at her church from the ground up. SO- yea. They make me feel like a slacker. Then there's the whole calling fulfillment thing- I feel like I need to be doing something worthwhile. I also feel like I need to be bringing in more "bacon" and then there's the whole resentment that it has to be so hard- I can't just job search and find something that fits nicely and then morph into other things. Jason says (in a nicer way) that I want to have my cake and eat it too.... which makes no sense as a saying because why wouldn't you eat your cake? ANyway- but I kind of resent that- because the sacrifices that I am less inclined to make are not about me as much as they are about my family. I don't want to work all the time because I want to be present at home. I don't want to have a stressful job because it's not worth it to me. I don't want to have to worry endlessly about vacation time (within reason- I know) because I want to see my family and be able to be there when it matters.

SO. Apparently I'm asking too much and I'll never get what I want- which is fine, because as we mentioned before I don't know what I want.

Crap- Hunter is crying. Jason made too much noise doing the dishes.

Random hilarious interaction wih Grandmother today at lunch:
G: My doctor would fuss at me when I was pregnant to gain weight! He said he had to fuss at women to keep their weight down, but I needed to gain! I'm sure the doctor didn't have to fuss at you either way.
Me: Not really- the doctor was pretty happy with my weight gain- I didn't seem to gain too much.
G: You were just right- that's good. Hunter was a big boy when he was born, wasn't he?
Me: 9lbs, 6 ozs!
G: Oh my, that is big!
Me: yea, when I weighed myself after coming home from the hospital, I had lost 17 lbs!
G: Oh my goodness! 17 pounds! Did you gain any of it back?
(this is when I realized Grandmother was probably assuming I had gained 10 pounds for the pregnancy)
Me: no, actually- I kept it off and lost some more, I'm about 5 pounds under my pre-pregnancy weight, but things still don't fit right.
G: I think you're fine just the way you are, you don't need to gain or lose any weight.
Me: Thank you Grandmother.
(At which point I realized that this compliment was coming from a woman who weighed 85 lbs.)

This is the depressing conversation:
The setting: I'm throwing away her dozens of unread, dusty magazines.
G: I feel like I'm attending my own funeral!
(This is perhaps the 7th time she's said this)
Me: Grandmother- we're just tossing old magazines! You're making feel bad!

What Me wanted to say: We're just trashing your crap that you should have tossed a while ago- you're making me feel like shit - for the 7th time!

that's all I got tonight.